Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[LittleMy]

My mum is quite materialistic and throws money at us too/offers to pay for things and that’s her love language I think. She likes to show-off and always flaunts the latest gadgets, cars etc. She is very controlling, has always told me what I should do and compared me to her friends’ daughters (we are polar opposites in life and I’ve always stubbornly refused to change which irritates her). I maybe sometimes played on it a bit just to spite her as an act of rebellion in my teens. Sometimes it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough for her. I fell out with her for a while when I had my firstborn as she was very domineering and kept trying to take over and run the show. When you confront her about a situation, she always finds a way to make you feel like the one in the wrong and will brood about it for ages until you give up and end up apologising for nothing just to end the tension.
She would walk over hot coals for my younger brother, he can do no wrong in her eyes, but is critical of everything I do. I recently told her I was having my little boy evaluated for autism (his brother has a diagnosis which she laughed off at the time) and her response was “What for? There’s nothing wrong with him.” That ended up in an argument because it pissed me off. I never said there was anything “wrong” with him, but you know, given the fact that I’m his mother and I see a lot more of him than anybody else aside from his dad, I think I know what I’m doing. As a child she controlled us with fear and wasn’t slow to raise her hand. I could go on, but you get the general idea.

 

[MaxieMoo]

Just reading all your posts and I see so many similarities to my upbringing. I could write a book of my life. Just completely liberating to be free from these people. I have only really digested and analysed my childhood in the last 5-7 years. I have accepted things were not my fault and nothing could of changed things. I, like many others, were just unlucky to get toxic parents. We cannot let them define us.

 

[Blonde123]

My mum is quite materialistic and throws money at us too/offers to pay for things and that’s her love language I think. She likes to show-off and always flaunts the latest gadgets, cars etc. She is very controlling, has always told me what I should do and compared me to her friends’ daughters (we are polar opposites in life and I’ve always stubbornly refused to change which irritates her). I maybe sometimes played on it a bit just to spite her as an act of rebellion in my teens. Sometimes it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough for her. I fell out with her for a while when I had my firstborn as she was very domineering and kept trying to take over and run the show. When you confront her about a situation, she always finds a way to make you feel like the one in the wrong and will brood about it for ages until you give up and end up apologising for nothing just to end the tension.
She would walk over hot coals for my younger brother, he can do no wrong in her eyes, but is critical of everything I do. I recently told her I was having my little boy evaluated for autism (his brother has a diagnosis which she laughed off at the time) and her response was “What for? There’s nothing wrong with him.” That ended up in an argument because it pissed me off. I never said there was anything “wrong” with him, but you know, given the fact that I’m his mother and I see a lot more of him than anybody else aside from his dad, I think I know what I’m doing. As a child she controlled us with fear and wasn’t slow to raise her hand. I could go on, but you get the general idea.

This sounds so similar to my mum (and dad) and how they behave! I had postnatal depression after my first born, I think largely caused by the pressures I get from my parents. Instead of helping me, my sister In law told me my mum had been slagging me off calling me lazy for hiring a cleaner. I had a miscarriage in between my two children and my dad and I were talking about it in the context of something else and he said “what’s that miscarriage got to do with anything”. When I left hospital with my second child I mention to my mum that it was exactly a year since the miscarriage and she said “time to forget and enjoy your children now”, then no more was said about it (they see it as a very taboo subject). One of my brothers has never met my son despite being invited to (8months ago) but my parents always refuse to hear a bad word against him and see me as the problem. They always make excuses for him not bothering with me or my sons. It often makes me wonder if I am the problem. I’ve had to learn you can’t control what others do, only how you react to them.

 

[jenna.maroney]

How do you all deal with them? My mum has narcissistic tendencies but isn’t cruel enough that I would consider cutting her out. However, she is very manipulative, jealous and incapable of doing any wrong all the while sending out an image to everyone else that she is a compassionate person who would do anything for anyone. I’ve always been seen as the problem and it’s only this past year I’ve come to realise that might not be the case and she is very clever at playing on my triggers. Most recently I’ve achieved something I’m quite proud of. Rather than be happy for me she has been offish and is now bringing up other things that I should be doing/aren’t doing right. And of course, it’s hurtful and sensitive for me therefore I bite and become the problem once again. It’s frustrating.

 

[Barbs89]

I don't know if you've ever read about the family dynamics in narcissistic controlled families, but this is a classic case of golden child and scapegoat. Do some research there are some great resources on Youtube etc and you will be able to understand the situation better and hopefully distance yourself a bit from these people.

I have been reading up on cases like these for a while, and I’m finally glad to have somewhere to discuss my MIL, my husband is the ‘golden child’, friends of the family even call him it sometimes as a joke. He doesn’t behave like a brat or anything, I think that it’s more that he can do no wrong in her eyes. My husband and his dad are very enabling towards her, they ignore her behaviour instead of calling her out for it, as it’s easier than an argument. My sister in law distanced herself around 5 years ago, and has no contact with the 3 of them, which makes contact with her difficult, as she is seen by them as the problem. We have no choice but to live close by and although she isn’t abusive as such, she is very manipulative with myself and my children, the eldest of whom notices her strange behaviour, she guilt trips the kids, plays them off against one another, and is very overbearing. I hope myself and my husband are strong enough to keep it away from the kids, until they can learn that it’s her and not them. My own parents also notice her behaviour but recognise that just keeping a calm head and being there for myself and the children is the best thing, as there is no cure for someone who will never admit that they are wrong.
When I first moved in with my husband and we had our eldest I found the constant interference and controlling unbearable and my husband and I fell out regularly, looking back we can both see what the problem was, and we are very strong together. My FiL, apart fromthe enabling, for an easy life, is an absolute star and I would be lost without him!

 

[LittleMy]

How do you all deal with them? My mum has narcissistic tendencies but isn’t cruel enough that I would consider cutting her out. However, she is very manipulative, jealous and incapable of doing any wrong all the while sending out an image to everyone else that she is a compassionate person who would do anything for anyone. I’ve always been seen as the problem and it’s only this past year I’ve come to realise that might not be the case and she is very clever at playing on my triggers. Most recently I’ve achieved something I’m quite proud of. Rather than be happy for me she has been offish and is now bringing up other things that I should be doing/aren’t doing right. And of course, it’s hurtful and sensitive for me therefore I bite and become the problem once again. It’s frustrating.

I can sympathise so much with this because my mum is the exact same, and I don’t think it’s extreme enough that I could cut her off completely. She always has to rain on my parade and put a dampener on my happiness (all she could talk about was how much weight I needed to lose after I’d just given birth to her first grandchild and expressed nothing but disdain when my now-husband and I got engaged!). I, like you, end up biting and then get made out to be the one in the wrong but if other people knew her like I did they’d see things differently. I have daydreamed of cutting her off so many times, but she does have a good relationship with my sons and I’m not cruel enough to take that away from them. I wish I could offer advice, just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I usually cope by keeping my distance and doing my best to completely ignore her when she starts her shite. As I’ve gotten older and had my own family, it’s become easier. Living with her as a young girl was utter hell at times. I spent most of it in my room or out with friends just to get away from her.

 

[jenna.maroney]

I can sympathise so much with this because my mum is the exact same, and I don’t think it’s extreme enough that I could cut her off completely. She always has to rain on my parade and put a dampener on my happiness (all she could talk about was how much weight I needed to lose after I’d just given birth to her first grandchild and expressed nothing but disdain when my now-husband and I got engaged!). I, like you, end up biting and then get made out to be the one in the wrong but if other people knew her like I did they’d see things differently. I have daydreamed of cutting her off so many times, but she does have a good relationship with my sons and I’m not cruel enough to take that away from them. I wish I could offer advice, just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I usually cope by keeping my distance and doing my best to completely ignore her when she starts her shite. As I’ve gotten older and had my own family, it’s become easier. Living with her as a young girl was utter hell at times. I spent most of it in my room or out with friends just to get away from her.

Thanks so much for replying. It’s scary but relieving to hear what you have to say as it’s almost a mirror image of my thoughts and feelings. This is all relatively new for me to understand and it’s actually only since having my own family that I started to notice that what I thought was normal and ok was actually very damaging. I’ve been having a look on google and found this article really helpful...

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_58f2f864e4b015669722502e/amp

 

[Barbs89]

Thanks so much for replying. It’s scary but relieving to hear what you have to say as it’s almost a mirror image of my thoughts and feelings. This is all relatively new for me to understand and it’s actually only since having my own family that I started to notice that what I thought was normal and ok was actually very damaging. I’ve been having a look on google and found this article really helpful...

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_58f2f864e4b015669722502e/amp

I sent this link to my sil and she was gobsmacked at how spot on it is!

 

[cedarpeach]

I’ve mentioned it before but I can’t recommend the reddit communities r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines enough. I’m convinced my mother has BPD and the raised by borderlines community has been so helpful to me.

 

[openbook1]

I’ve mentioned it before but I can’t recommend the reddit communities r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines enough. I’m convinced my mother has BPD and the raised by borderlines community has been so helpful to me.

JustNoMIL/MildlyNoMIL are good too.

 

[Drea1984]

I lost my mum last year and my father is a narcissist. I would be happy if I never laid eyes on him ever again. I try to keep in mind the Serenity Prayer- essentially, change what you can, accept what you can’t & have the wisdom to know the difference. That said, i will continue to detest the old bastard

 

[cedarpeach]

JustNoMIL/MildlyNoMIL are good too.

there are some absolutely shocking stories on the JustNo threads! Highly recommend sorting by “most popular of all time” and having a binge read.

 

[Bazaar99]

Wow this thread...can't tell you how reassuring it is. I had narcissistic parents in law. I'll have been widowed 3 years this month. Highlights of my mother in laws behaviour include asking me to move to them and have a baby as a single parent (wtaf). She'd literally been looking at house 'i could afford '. Also in the top 3 are telling me because we had the audacity to move away, it was my job to carry the load when my husband was having chemo and brain surgery...they had other commitments. Third was the money thing, constantly thinking gifts would excuse or legitimate their behaviour. Case in point, when she suggested me being a single mum, she had taken me shopping and insisted on buying me Charlotte Tilbury stuff. I can't look at the adverts or any of her things now.
The inevitable meltdown happened a year ago, never did her own dirty work but I am no longer in touch with them and I quite enjoy the fact they've tried and failed to get info on me and what I'm doing because it proves to me that I am in control of my time, who I give it to, and where I can spend my energy best. Family is not an excuse. It takes extreme energy and courage to get these leeches out if your life but fir your own sanity you should. I feel like a huge weight has lifted and that I'm actually living for the first time in 3 years. Onwards and upwards

 

[openbook1]

Wow this thread...can't tell you how reassuring it is. I had narcissistic parents in law. I'll have been widowed 3 years this month. Highlights of my mother in laws behaviour include asking me to move to them and have a baby as a single parent (wtaf). She'd literally been looking at house 'i could afford '. Also in the top 3 are telling me because we had the audacity to move away, it was my job to carry the load when my husband was having chemo and brain surgery...they had other commitments. Third was the money thing, constantly thinking gifts would excuse or legitimate their behaviour. Case in point, when she suggested me being a single mum, she had taken me shopping and insisted on buying me Charlotte Tilbury stuff. I can't look at the adverts or any of her things now.
The inevitable meltdown happened a year ago, never did her own dirty work but I am no longer in touch with them and I quite enjoy the fact they've tried and failed to get info on me and what I'm doing because it proves to me that I am in control of my time, who I give it to, and where I can spend my energy best. Family is not an excuse. It takes extreme energy and courage to get these leeches out if your life but fir your own sanity you should. I feel like a huge weight has lifted and that I'm actually living for the first time in 3 years. Onwards and upwards

Sorry for your loss.

The more time goes on, the less tolerant I am of my MIL. She is a self indulgent, selfish, guilt tripping narcissist. The more this pandemic goes on, the more apparent it becomes. My fil is vulnerable and if he got covid he would die, he's been housebound for years. Meanwhile she goes and sees the grandkids and doesnt distance or wear a mask and is worried they'll "forget" her. She doesn't stop to think about how my fil feels. Every week my husband talks to her it is the same conversation of him getting raging because she can't follow the bare minimum of rules. My SIL has told me before she doesn't like her own mother, she will not buy her a mother's day card but feels obligated to stay in contact.

 

[Bazaar99]

Sorry for your loss.

The more time goes on, the less tolerant I am of my MIL. She is a self indulgent, selfish, guilt tripping narcissist. The more this pandemic goes on, the more apparent it becomes. My fil is vulnerable and if he got covid he would die, he's been housebound for years. Meanwhile she goes and sees the grandkids and doesnt distance or wear a mask and is worried they'll "forget" her. She doesn't stop to think about how my fil feels. Every week my husband talks to her it is the same conversation of him getting raging because she can't follow the bare minimum of rules. My SIL has told me before she doesn't like her own mother, she will not buy her a mother's day card but feels obligated to stay in contact.

Thank you x I completely understand your frustration and anger, and also the problem that if you say she's a nightmare then your other half could get defensive or excuse it because they're embarrassed to admit it's true. I was absolutely expected to fall in line and go fir the easy life and it was unbearable

 

[openbook1]

Thank you x I completely understand your frustration and anger, and also the problem that if you say she's a nightmare then your other half could get defensive or excuse it because they're embarrassed to admit it's true. I was absolutely expected to fall in line and go fir the easy life and it was unbearable

Oh, my husband knows what I think, lol. It is not my place to tell her how I feel though, I don't need that drama. My OH did go NC with her for over a year though which was a great stress reliever for him.

 

[ChloChlo]

I wouldnt say either were narcissistic but my parents were very toxic throughout my childhood.

They catered for their own needs, is the best way of putting it, some may say that could be narcissistic behaviour. They were clearly in one sided marriage, they had got married in their teens after my mum fell pregnant with me, my dad clearly loving my mum alot more, they did party drugs often and although they tried their very best to hide it from us, closing the kitchen door on us just didnt suffice, as we were not daft as kids, if anything we did a better job hiding we knew. There was alot of fighting, as a child and being the eldest I would attempt with my little sparrow legs to break up fights between my parents from as young as I could remember, they were both as violent as eachother and would often remember them chasing eachother with kitchen knives and such.

My mum eventually had an affair with a much younger work colleague, my mum was 30 at the time and the man was only 19, however him and my mum ended up being partners until she died at 44. And we all eventually grew to love him.

My dad grew soft in his old age and is lovely now but seems to have a bit of a selective memory too, but I have grown as a person since some of my mistakes in life, so recognize that he has too and just may be embarrassed by the past and may not wish to relive those times. As a teenager I caught the brunt of my mums affair, I look like my mum, I have her mannerisms and the eldest. My dad took out alot of his anger on me, often saying I'll just end up a tart like my mum. But unlike most break ups, where the ex couple fight over their children. Me and my siblings werent fought over, infact it was a case of which parent got lumbered with us. And trust me, we felt it! And we felt it hard! We were left with my dad bringing us up in the family home and my mum left, just like that. My dad was so depressed after my mum leaving and always in work, getting up at 5am to commute and not coming home until 6pm, trying to provide for all 3 of us kids, we took advantage of this (me and my sister in particular, my brother not so much so, but he is on the spectrum so kept himself in his own routine) we would simply not go to school at all, we would stay out and do whatever we wanted. And as discussed on the creepy/scary thread I got into incredibly sad and horrific situations because of the lack of boundaries.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Both of my parents are very toxic.

My dad never lived with my mum and me, he did spend a fair amount of time with me though as a young child. He always favoured my sister over me and allowed her to bully me even though she was 7 years older. She used to hit me and call me names and he did nothing about it. He would take us out together and buy her stuff and not me...

then when I was about 11 he got a girlfriend who had 3 kids, one being a girl in my year at school. He did everything for them, took them out places, took them to school, went to parents evenings, all things he never did with me... He also bought her daughter(the one in my year) a laptop for Christmas and he bought me a £1 deodorant set from Poundland... his girlfriend once asked him who did he love more, me or his dog, he just replied “well the dog has been there for me for a long time so” so basically the dog! As he clearly didn’t love me!

He never made any effort with me the whole time he was with her and when I was about 18 I had an argument with my sister and he took her side and never spoke to me again... apart from at his mum’s funeral, he acted the doting dad and then blanked me afterwards.

Then there’s my mum. She has really bad depression and is an alcoholic. When I was a child she would sometimes lie in bed all day and I’d have to fend for myself or I’d come home from school with my brother and she would be drunk at 4pm... she always put everything else first, my brother, her work, herself, i never felt like I mattered to her, she was too wrapped up in her own problems. She still hasn’t changed, I do most things for her now that her health is failing and she still makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

there’s so much more I could say, but i just wish I could have had a nice normal family. Neither of my parents were the hugging type, neither would they tell me they loved me or that they’re proud of me.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Hugs to all of you who have shared your stories on this thread. Whilst it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one out there who struggled with this stuff, at the same time it makes me so incredibly sad and angry that you have had to go through this stuff!

I also quite honestly dread clicking to see a new post because I always expect someone to have come on here to say what horrible people we are for speaking of our parents this way I've had that so much in real life that I just expect it now and that's why I never speak of my childhood. This has caused an issue with my husbands family because they just can't understand why I am the way I am. I have been with him for 10 years+ and last week I told him something about my childhood that he had never known before and it broke him. Imagine going through it not just hearing about it 25-30 years later!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Hugs to all of you who have shared your stories on this thread. Whilst it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one out there who struggled with this stuff, at the same time it makes me so incredibly sad and angry that you have had to go through this stuff!

I also quite honestly dread clicking to see a new post because I always expect someone to have come on here to say what horrible people we are for speaking of our parents this way I've had that so much in real life that I just expect it now and that's why I never speak of my childhood. This has caused an issue with my husbands family because they just can't understand why I am the way I am. I have been with him for 10 years+ and last week I told him something about my childhood that he had never known before and it broke him. Imagine going through it not just hearing about it 25-30 years later!

It’s awful isn’t it. My mother in law also has very narcissistic traits and I don’t even bother trying to explain myself now to her as she isn’t interested. I told her a few bits once, but she just tries to play stuff down as she doesn’t like anyone having attention or sympathy... I’ve tried to tell friends in the past and I’ve just been called an attention seeker, I now just keep everything to myself which isn’t helpful at all.

I won’t even have my own children because I’m scared of messing them up the way I was! I can be a good person, but I can also have an awful temper and I can be very selfish and bitter, there’s no way I’m bringing a child into the world when I’m like this!