My biggest fear when having children was that I’d turn out just like my mother. I always strive to have an open and honest relationship with my children and love on them as much as I can, to show them the warmth that was lacking in my own relationship with my parents. I never want them to grow up feeling as worthless as I have/still do.
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I could've written this.
Another thing I know that if I did have kids and I introduced them to my dad, if he was horrible to them like he was to me then I would cut contact immediately obviously. But what if he was nice to them? Treated them like little people deserve to be treated? Honestly I couldn't watch that, I just wouldn't be able to deal with the thought of why not me then?
And again its like well of course he'll love them and be nice to them they're his grandchildren! But why was he a monster when I was a kid? Am I so much worse than grandkids? Trying to explain this to someone 'normal'? No way not even going to try.
You sound like a fantastic mother. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to have a different approach and are able to love and nurture your children like they deserve
What a great thread idea!
I still struggle greatly with this. My father used to beat my brother and I daily. He would put us in the bath, kneel on our chests, shove socks in our mouths and put the shower in our faces. He still insists his behaviour was normal and thats how you teach discipline.
My mother would also join in by belting us or getting the slipper out but when i bring this up to her she seems to have no recollection...like its completely blocked from her memory.
My brother and I both have the same mental health issues, I rebelled when I was about 15, took loads of drugs, partied constantly with older people, slept around and somehow all of these experiences made me open up more...my brother stayed in the house until he was about 25 and never tried rebelling and hes still stuck in a pit of depression and schizophrenia. My dad takes no blame for my brother and Is health conditions.
I feel i have my life on track now and I feel like i am a good person and i would never hurt anybody emotionally or physically. I have found trust and love in other human beings and understand how my father treated us was not normal...
But...
Why do I have such resentment for my mum? Is it because she wont acknowledge all of this? Or because she didnt get us out of a toxic environment?
I dont know.
I dont hate my dad. He still scares me....but i cant stand being around my mum.
I feel awful because in the grand scheme of things, she was never the bad parent.
I still struggle greatly with this. My father used to beat my brother and I daily. He would put us in the bath, kneel on our chests, shove socks in our mouths and put the shower in our faces. He still insists his behaviour was normal and thats how you teach discipline.
My mother would also join in by belting us or getting the slipper out but when i bring this up to her she seems to have no recollection...like its completely blocked from her memory.
My brother and I both have the same mental health issues, I rebelled when I was about 15, took loads of drugs, partied constantly with older people, slept around and somehow all of these experiences made me open up more...my brother stayed in the house until he was about 25 and never tried rebelling and hes still stuck in a pit of depression and schizophrenia. My dad takes no blame for my brother and Is health conditions.
I feel i have my life on track now and I feel like i am a good person and i would never hurt anybody emotionally or physically. I have found trust and love in other human beings and understand how my father treated us was not normal...
But...
Why do I have such resentment for my mum? Is it because she wont acknowledge all of this? Or because she didnt get us out of a toxic environment?
I dont know.
I dont hate my dad. He still scares me....but i cant stand being around my mum.
I feel awful because in the grand scheme of things, she was never the bad parent.
I'm so sorry to hear that that's one of the worst stories I've ever heard
I think with your mum it's that she was an enabler. She enabled the violence from your dad. She had the job of keeping you safe which she didn't do. I really don't blame you for resenting her at all.
I hope you can distance yourself from them and make a happy, healthy life for yourself without them and their toxic influence.
Wow, really?I'm so sorry to hear that that's one of the worst stories I've ever heard
I think with your mum it's that she was an enabler. She enabled the violence from your dad. She had the job of keeping you safe which she didn't do. I really don't blame you for resenting her at all.
I hope you can distance yourself from them and make a happy, healthy life for yourself without them and their toxic influence.
To me, it's not AWFUL because im so aware of so many other kids going through the same things. I am aware it's bad...
My abuse was mainly verbal and emotional, with regular beatings thrown in but no water was never involved that's so far past the line of what's acceptable parenting that it's honestly shocked me and I thought I had heard just about everything.Wow, really?
To me, it's not AWFUL because im so aware of so many other kids going through the same things. I am aware it's bad...
I really am so sorry that you had to go through that and like we've said on this thread that stuff I guess is normal to us so that's why you're surprised at my reaction.
The shower thing only happened to me once, but to my brother many times. I would get beaten though my brother got it worse than I did. I tried to speak to my dad on several occasions about his behaviour and it took so much courage but each time it's been shot down because "you did great at school and your teachers always told me to keep doing what im doing as im clearly a great parent"... he thinks im a good person now due to his discipline but I'm only a good person because i know how NOT to treat others, thanks to him.
It's a weird one.
I still defend him constantly and feel really odd when people point out what a bleep he is. I feel like I'm the only person allowed to badmouth him. I guess its stockholm syndrome
.Thanks for your response though, it always makes me realise how actually wrong it was when people react like you did.
This is a really interesting thread and has certainly made me feel less alone. Both of my parents were alcoholics, I think my dad may have been narcissistic or might have had borderline or bipolar. I feel awful saying this but my mum was just really bitter and spiteful. There was a lot of abuse towards me and my brother which is still hard for me to admit to but I see it now. We both have severe mental health issues and struggle so much as adults. I only realised in the past 6 months or so that we weren’t just abused as children but have been abused right up into our 30’s. I genuinely don’t know whether they loved me or not.
I’m having therapy but some days I can’t imagine that I will ever be able to live or function like a normal person I feel so damaged. One thing that I feel differs a bit for me though is that I love my parents so much. I didn’t like them but since they passed I have got into this weird place of putting them on some kind of pedestal. I feel like I forgive them pretty much everything because I understand what it’s like to hate yourself so much and be so unhappy that you lash out and can’t cope. One of many reasons that I won’t have children because I’m scared that I’ll turn into my mum. I sat by both of their coffins and told them that I love them and forgive them. Before my mum passed I asked her if she loved me and her reply was that it’s been hard. I decided not to push it I felt it was more important that she knew I loved her because she was dying but that will always scar me I think that she couldn’t say yes of course I love you.
I’m having therapy but some days I can’t imagine that I will ever be able to live or function like a normal person I feel so damaged. One thing that I feel differs a bit for me though is that I love my parents so much. I didn’t like them but since they passed I have got into this weird place of putting them on some kind of pedestal. I feel like I forgive them pretty much everything because I understand what it’s like to hate yourself so much and be so unhappy that you lash out and can’t cope. One of many reasons that I won’t have children because I’m scared that I’ll turn into my mum. I sat by both of their coffins and told them that I love them and forgive them. Before my mum passed I asked her if she loved me and her reply was that it’s been hard. I decided not to push it I felt it was more important that she knew I loved her because she was dying but that will always scar me I think that she couldn’t say yes of course I love you.
You sound like a really beautiful person.
The fact you forgave and loved your mother even though she couldn't say it back says a whole lot about the kind of person you are.
I think you'd make an amazing mum, don't let that idea of turning into her put you off. You wont be her.
You have just wrote everything that relates to my life. I was scared of being a parent because I felt like I wouldn't treat my kid right because I'm so deeply damaged but I have a 6month old now and I feel the best I ever have.
I now have someone to bring up and teach about how the world should be, how we should treat one another and what love is and should feel like.
I have gone through my life never feeling much of anything for anyone and feeling as though nobody feels anything for me but I understand now that some people are just....not nice. And unfortunately for you, I and many others - these people were/are our parents.
The fact we can see now the way we were treated was incorrect means we've become stronger and there's nothing stopping us now. We can treat everyone we meet how we love to be treated and make this world a better place so people dont end up like our parents.
I hope you're feeling happier now.
Thank you that’s so kind of you. I do try to be as good a person as I can as I know what it’s like to feel hurt and rejected. I don’t always get things right but I do try, I am determined not to let my experience make me bitter. It’s still really early days for me, mum passed last year and dad just a few months before and I have realised that this is the time in my life where I won’t have all the negativity and put downs, they never made me feel good about myself, in fact I never liked myself when I was around my mum. My therapist is great and I’m working really hard on trying to change the abusive negative self talk that goes around my head all day. It’s one step at a time. Unfortunately I don’t see children in my future for many reasons but I think I have made peace with that but I love hearing how your baby has brought so much joy to your life. It sounds like you have got your head in the right place and will bring your child up the right way, what a lucky child. I’m sure you pour all the affection on them you can. I wish you nothing but love and happiness xxx
hey Gembo. I just want to say that it appears you were forced into an adult role way too young. You’ve probably read/heard about “parentification” which is essentially a kind of role reversal where a child is forced to take on the psychological, emotional or physical tasks that should be carried out by their parents. This dynamic is often seen with alcoholic, addict, and narcissistic parents.
your story about your mum’s death bed is such a horrific and sad example of parentification. Even at the end of her life you were sacrificing your own feelings to protect her. You took on the role of caregiver and parent, whereas your mum was free to say what she wanted no matter the harm to you. Have you ever felt like a cared for child, soothed by your parents? I haven’t.
I hope you don’t mind me saying all this. I’ve really identified with your story. I don’t forgive my mum. I have spent my whole life feeling sorry for her and seeing her as a victim of mental health, addiction, poverty etc. it’s only in the last year that I’ve really realised that she was a bad parent and I needed basic care and protection as a child. I’ve started to hold her accountable for her actions, which I have never done. I’ve accepted who she is now, but I don’t “forgive” in thetraditional sense because if I do I know it will open the door to the guilt and pity I’ve felt all my life for her which has just allowed her to behave however she wants.
sorry for the essay!
jesus I’m so sorry. The abuse you suffered from your dad is so deeply cruel.
my mom wasn’t an alcoholic but she was a drug addict, though she’d never admit this. She would also be in bed all day, there was never food in the house, she never cooked. The electricity would often be switched off and I’d be sat in the dark in my room. She always made sure she had cigarettes though.
For years I actually saw my mom as a victim of circumstance. I did so much for her and until last year I ordered and had delivered her weekly food shop. I spent a lot of money each week. My therapist helped me realise that I was enabling her bad behaviour by always picking up after her and so I stopped. This past year has been a big wake up call.
I really relate to wanting a nice, normal family. One of my favourite things to do now as an adult is the weekly grocery shop. I love the domestic routine, and the fact I have money to look after our household and make it homely and pleasant. Second to that, I love doing the washing! I love having clean clothes and feeling safe and secure in my house. I’ve often said that growing up was the best thing to happen to me. I can’t imagine wanting to be a child again.
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My mum is a complete narcissist. Eg :If someone dies it's all about her, she was the closest to them, she has the only memories etc
When I told her I was pregnant she continued her conversation with her bullshit story and didn't congratulation us.
She announced the sex of my baby before me on fb
I tell her nothing anymore because she will make it about herself.
When I told her I was pregnant she continued her conversation with her bullshit story and didn't congratulation us.
She announced the sex of my baby before me on fb
I tell her nothing anymore because she will make it about herself.
I moved away also, I was very ill in my last pregnancy and literally went from work to bed and back, my mother sent me Google directions to her house thinking she was being funny
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I have a thing about the washing too, my husband isn't allowed near the washing machine. I've been so happy with WFH now, genuinely I feel the happiest when the sun is out and I am hanging washing out on the line. I count in my head the loads of washing for the week and I love getting them done. I know that's not normal tho.
I also feel like I'm very controlling with groceries but every time i ask my husband puts his hands up and says hey it makes my life easier so carry on (he is a bit on the lazy side). I do all our shopping, like he will sometimes say can you get X, Y or Z but I plan and get all the shopping in, he cooks so I decide what we will eat and get him the ingredients. I just can't let go of this and it's ridiculous we've lived together for 10 years almost and I still shop like I'm single on my own! I guess its a control thing, I need to feel like I'm in control and during the pandemic we have been set because i have a bad hoarding habit I always have TP, pasta, tins, cereal like boxes and boxes full of food and household items. Again I never had security in my life so now I'm in charge and I won't ever have us go without anything.
I totally understand. I don’t think it’s abnormal to take pride and comfort in the washing - I am grateful that I enjoy the small things in life that most people hate. I’m like you - nothing makes me happier than the smell of fresh washing.
luckily my OH is also very homely and domestic, we were once stood in the supermarket deliberating over two different types of fabric softener. It then dawned on us we could buy both, so we did! We loved getting home and getting the washing on after that shop. So ridiculous and sounds so so sad but as I kid I had no home comforts so now I really do take joy in the tiniest of things.
I also understand the control thing. If we don’t have all of our weekly shopping in I start to feel really anxious. Knowing the fridge is full makes me calm.
I remember when my sister had her first child my Mum just adored him. I saw a loving caring side of her that we had never seen before. My Mum and sister had a falling out and became estranged for a few years. My Mum was devastated that she couldn't see her Grandson but didn't care a jot about not seeing my sister. During that time my sister had her second child. When they tried to reconcile my Mum was awful to the second child (a girl). My Sister cut her off over that and they now haven't spoken for around 16 years. A leopard never changes its spots.
A few years after my sister cut my Mum off she bumped into her in the street. My sister had her youngest child with her who my Mum ignored. My sister told me my Mum spoke to her like she hardly knew her. What a way to treat your own daughter. Some people just shouldn't have children.
A few years after my sister cut my Mum off she bumped into her in the street. My sister had her youngest child with her who my Mum ignored. My sister told me my Mum spoke to her like she hardly knew her. What a way to treat your own daughter. Some people just shouldn't have children.
Parents and grandparents should never play favourites. I can’t stand it either but it happens all through my family. I’ve made it crystal clear that my kids be treated equally and not pit against each other. Your sister was right to cut her off, it’s very harmful for the child(ren).
Hello, sorry for my slow reply. No, I’ve never felt cared for or soothed by my parents. Maybe it happened when I was really young but certainly not in my teens upwards. I had a lot of problems, I was bullied at school and developed eating problems and was told I wasn’t allowed to talk about the bullying anymore as it was bringing negativity into the house, my dad actually shouted at me and said he didn’t want to hear about it ever again. This was severe bullying too that involved the school and the police as I was attacked and threatened with a knife. I think my parents just didn’t know what to do so didn’t want to deal with it.
with my eating problems I was under the mental health team at the hospital and was struggling with binging and sometimes vomiting afterwards and we had a meeting which my mum was at and she was asked to limit the trigger foods she bought into the house or to hide them. To this day I swear that not only did she buy more but she put them right at the front of the cupboard. I also took an overdose when I was 18. My parents took me to the hospital but went home & left me there. When I came home it was never talked about. I could go on and on. I’m struggling to make sense of it all because my mum was always telling me I was ungrateful and she’d suffered so much because of me and so I’ve always kind of felt like that must be true. I could only acknowledge just how abused I’d been when my parents divorced and I went to the solicitor to the mum and all the abuse she told her about from my dad I had suffered from them both. And even then it took me seeing them do it to my brother and the effect it had on him to fully get it. Yet I still don’t feel I full get it. Honestly my heads still spinning since they died. I can reel off a long list of things they said and did, the sadness and fear I felt yet I struggle to believe I grew up in a house like that. I think some of it is because for many years my parents worked and appeared normal to everyone else, they put on a decent enough show & people liked them and it’s all just so confusing to me.
God sorry I’m going on, I think I just talk about it whenever I can as a way to process. I don’t think it’s bad that you don’t forgive your mum. I think it’s strong and brave and makes sense. I actually sometimes hate myself because I feel like I’m such a pushover. Even right at the end my dad wrote me out of his will because I wouldn’t do something he wanted and yet I still sat by his bedside holding him and talking to him and trying to make sure he went in peace (Turned out he hadn’t signed it but I didn’t know that at the time). I made a promise to both of them before their funerals that I forgave, I’m scared that one day I will feel rage. I do feel messed up and I think it will take me years to recover.
You shouldn't apologise for "going on". You have had a very traumatic childhood and suffered badly. The fact that you forgave both of them and survived your eating disorder is to be congratulated. You are a strong and forgiving person. I understand that you are worried that you might one day feel the full rage for what has happened to you. I'm not sure what to suggest - perhaps some therapy. I found reading books on the subject and other people's experience of having difficult parents very helpful. I also liked writing my thoughts down without any censure. Just go for it. Let those feelings out - it's not good to hold them in. I've heard it said that eating disorders are a form of depression or anger which finds this as its outlet instead of full blown rage.
Good luck to you.
Thank you very much, I do appreciate your words. I am having therapy and the past few days I’ve been feeling a lot more optimistic after a really long period of just thinking I will never be ok and that it’s not ok to be happy when they weren’t. That’s something I really wrestle with but I will get there I hope. And it really helps to read other peoples experiences, this and the alcoholism thread have been great. You grow up feeling so alone and not being allowed to talk about what goes on at home so you feel like you’re the only one. There are some very strong people in this thread and I’ve taken a lot from it
xx
I was blessed to grow up with amazing parents but my partner's parents divorced when he was quite young. They don't have the best relationship (his mother remarried almost immediately after the divorce and had a child with her new husband, and I think there are suspicions to this day that she cheated but no evidence, while his father never remarried or had a long term partner since). My partner is a good man but he definitely has some abandonment issues, and general distrust of women. The early days of our relationship were very difficult and I can't help but feel like his parents' relationship and his father's devastation/bitterness at the divorce (which is still somewhat present to this day) has impacted him greatly. They're not bad people by any means but I do think the influence has been toxic on my partner, and has played a negative and not insignificant part of our relationship as a result.
We're currently engaged and no kids yet but sometimes, I do worry if he or his father will pass on those beliefs to our future children. Not sure what I could do about it.
We're currently engaged and no kids yet but sometimes, I do worry if he or his father will pass on those beliefs to our future children. Not sure what I could do about it.
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