Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Kofi Annan]

I didn't get my mum and stepdad a wedding anniversary card and gift ready for when they returned from their luxury cruise, where they had celebrated their anniversary 5 days previously.

Nor had any of my siblings or step-siblings but:
a. Why do I keep bringing others into it?
b. They thought better of me. What a disappointment I have turned out to be.

Haven't spoken to them both for years, for far worse than this, but sometimes I'm reminded of the extremely abusive and narcissistic behaviour of them both.

 

[no-no]

Must watch:




They constantly dangle that sense of “I’m going to reject you” and that’s how they keep their power.

It’s the exhaustion of every social interaction feeling like a loss of your sovereignty.

The fact is we are all responsible for our own happiness.

There is no version of this story where you will do enough that’s right for them, so just do what feels right to you.

 

[RoseRazor]

I’ve been low contact for years with mine but after recent events gone no contact. They’re alcoholics and toxic. Not sure what to class them as anymore. Therapist said ‘dysfunctional’. Another said ‘narcissist’ but I think my grandmother was the real narcissist and my mother the golden child cum new wave narcissist. My father is possibly a sociopath or undiagnosed autistic. Not sure. My brother is autistic and has similar behaviour but isn’t a class A c**t with it. Either way my childhood was appalling and we’ve been tortured way beyond childhood. I got out when I was in my early 20s. My younger brothers remained trapped though and have spent their entire adult lives caring for my parents, cleaning up their pissed pants, mitigating their violence and covering for them at work. They’re absolutely broken. One attempted suicide. I managed to get my elder younger brother out and I’m in the process of helping him find work and his own place. The change in him in just a few weeks of living with us has been remarkable and just goes to show what a hell hole my parents have created. They got a lot worse over lockdown, or at least they blame their behaviour on lockdown. They’re currently trying to bribe him back home with promises of a holiday.

I’ve recently gone no contact after they moaned how me being sexually assaulted at the age of 9 was an ‘inconvenience’ for them and that they were ‘really hurt’ that I dare tell them. Not once addressing what id been through or the other girls who endured much worse, much younger (guy confessed and went to prison). Completely incapable of thinking beyond themselves. It’s not the worse thing they did but it was the last straw.

My now contact involves nothing more then that. I haven’t explained myself, written a letter, told them my plans. I’ve just gone completely radio silent and I will never acknowledge them again. If I see them in public I will ignore them. It actually feels… amazing. I wish Id done this years ago. No longer afraid of what they’re going to do or taint next. No long responsible for their behaviour. No longer need to explain or defend them. No longer need to protect myself or prepare myself mentally to see them.

I feel sad I didn’t have parents. Or much of a childhood. I feel sad I don’t have any experience of parental love or unconditional love or support. I figured life out on my own. No guidance. No help. No hand outs. I’m doing okay despite that but I do wonder what could I have been if my parents actually cared? The relationship I have with my children is completely different. That’s the only blessing that’s come out of this.

The hardest bit was coming to terms with the fact that they would be slagging me off and shredding my reputation behind my back no matter what I did. They are expert manipulators and will be twisting everything I’ve done or they think I’ve done to make themselves the victims and me the villain. They repeatedly refuse to acknowledge let alone apologise for their behaviour. Even the time my mum locked us in the house, cut the phone lines and told us she’d taken an overdose when I was 12! She was lying too. Just to torture us and see how much we cared. But I accept that now. They can destroy me as much as they like in their own world. I’m no longer a part of it and accept there’s nothing I can do toearn their acceptance or approval. They live off conflict and pain. They’re addicted to the adrenaline rush of it all.

For anyone here struggling I just want to send you my admiration and support. It’s hard. Unnaturally hard. But by you even acknowledging it you are a better person then your abusers ten thousand fold. And it IS something you can over come and thrive from regardless. I felt so hindered and held back for YEARS and it all vanished once I let go of them and allowed myself to live when they wanted me to be a mess like them.

Will I care when they die? No. They’ve been dead to me for years. I’ve been mourning for years. Will I care if they sober up, get help? No. I don’t think there’s anything they can do to change and even if they did I can honestly say I’m not even that interested in knowing them as people anymore. I’ve raised myself. They contributed nothing and tried to sabotage me every step of the way (my brothers are proof of that- intelligent skilled men being guilt tripped and bullied into slaves). Theres no room for them in my life. What I do feel bad about is that my children missed out on a relationship with them too. And my parents indulged our children rotten for a while but now I know that was all bribery- no real affection was ever shown so now I need to educate and protect myself on that too, as well as my children. Thankfully my in laws are beautiful people and have taken me in like their own- which my parents HATE. But how can you hate your child being loved? Happy? Successful? A good mother? Why would hate ever come into it?

anyway

Thats my story. Here for you all.

 

[rainbowlemon]

My mother and father have just left the room after both swearing at me, because I refused to go to an overnight religious event. I was actually asleep but was awakened by my father telling to get out of bed.

I fully expected her to hit me, unsurprisingly she didn’t, but she did raise her hand. This time I had decided that I would call the police if she did touch me unlike all the other times before.

I did make a recording just to have proof, because I don’t think I truly would be believed about how bad everything is.

I’m just sad for myself. My new therapist has told me that he’s worried about me and he said he didn’t think I could fully heal until i left. I have some savings but nowhere else to go.

What I’m angry about now that i’ve stopped crying is why did nobody notice at school the cut lip or bruises. The fact that i smelt? Just because it was a private school? Why didn’t social services get involved when the police had been called numerous times before and they could see there were young children at home?

 

[Slaybutter]

My mother and father have just left the room after both swearing at me, because I refused to go to an overnight religious event. I was actually asleep but was awakened by my father telling to get out of bed.

I fully expected her to hit me, unsurprisingly she didn’t, but she did raise her hand. This time I had decided that I would call the police if she did touch me unlike all the other times before.

I did make a recording just to have proof, because I don’t think I truly would be believed about how bad everything is.

I’m just sad for myself. My new therapist has told me that he’s worried about me and he said he didn’t think I could fully heal until i left. I have some savings but nowhere else to go.

What I’m angry about now that i’ve stopped crying is why did nobody notice at school the cut lip or bruises. The fact that i smelt? Just because it was a private school? Why didn’t social services get involved when the police had been called numerous times before and they could see there were young children at home?

I really wish there was something I could do or say to help You should check cities in your country for convents that offer affordable housing. At my local, it sounds like a nice environment - the only requirement is to eventually find a job, there’s no obligation you be religious. Sending lots of love

 

[cosytoes]

I found this thread in the middle of the night when my brain wouldn’t shut down after another drama with my narc mum. I’ve read through a lot of posts and it been incredibly enlightening. I’ve found myself yelling yes yes to so many things people have said. It’s been like I’ve found narnia. So for that I thank you all for sharing your stories and support .

 

[TheGlossy]

Sometimes I wonder how I turned out the way I am with a mother like this...

I was speaking to my 20 year old sister a few days ago regarding my mother's bank accounts (my mom is illiterate, so she cannot manage her accounts). Then my sister told me my 26 year old brother asked my mom for money because his car battery is not longer viable and he needs to replace it. She told me we needed to account for it when doing the accounting on my mom's accounts.

How is she enabling a 26 year old man who lives under her roof and who is not even bothered to look for a job? Her income is very minimal after my dad's death and she on top of this wants to maintain a 26 year old and his car when he could get a job and help out? This is completely absurd.

Meanwhile, I found it she lied to me in April when she claimed she had zero income to pay certain bills, so I politely offered to pay (big mistake of mine, I was estranged from the woman for years beforehand and I was helping out after 2 months of reconnection). I recently checked her accounts and it turns out she had enough to pay for those bills, food etc and even perform transfers to my brother's accounts.

She hasn't mended her ways at all and still lies through her teeth to get me to feel sorry for her. Nope, she didn't think of me at all in all this. She's as entitled as can be very obviously.

I haven't spoken to her in two months and it has been eye-opening.

 

[Maid22]

I haven't posted in here for ages, sending to you all.
It was my bday last week, I fuckin dread and hate it, I've had the worst ones ever, so I ignore it, but my 'mother' who I've have not seen or spoken to in over 11 years always sends a card, noticed over the past few years it doesn't say daughter anymore! She used to sign from her and their dog (not my old man) now it's from her and him, fuckin does my head in, she knows (or actually chooses to 'forget) what happened once, which has affected me big time, i wish they'd both die so I wouldn't have to deal with this tit.

 

[Maid22]

@alwaysdreaming thank you for what you posted tonight.made me cry, in a good way, blimey strangers on the internet have such lovely hearts, especially folks like you xx

 

[Bananabadger]

My parents criticise my marriage and my partner. I am so triggered by my mum that I want to capitulate and appease her — real freeze and fawn response. I still feel like a frightened child. My mother has a real split personality — sometimes well-mannered, fun, cool, and sometimes just this screaming hypersensitive animal. When I was a kid she was controlling, seemed omniscient, could be violent, hugely unpredictable. Friends wondered why because I was such a good kid, nicely behaved, did well at school.

I hate and fear her so much it feels all-consuming.

 

[Curlywurly85]

My parents criticise my marriage and my partner. I am so triggered by my mum that I want to capitulate and appease her — real freeze and fawn response. I still feel like a frightened child. My mother has a real split personality — sometimes well-mannered, fun, cool, and sometimes just this screaming hypersensitive animal. When I was a kid she was controlling, seemed omniscient, could be violent, hugely unpredictable. Friends wondered why because I was such a good kid, nicely behaved, did well at school.

I hate and fear her so much it feels all-consuming.

I could have wrote this! Sending you so much love the best thing I did was going no contact. It’s only been 18 months but I’m a totally different person and so much more peaceful

 

[Bananabadger]

I could have wrote this! Sending you so much love the best thing I did was going no contact. It’s only been 18 months but I’m a totally different person and so much more peaceful

how did you handle going no contact? I don’t think I’m ready for that. Sometimes I think I’m much better about not letting her bother me, and then….

 

[screamqueen]

how did you handle going no contact? I don’t think I’m ready for that. Sometimes I think I’m much better about not letting her bother me, and then….

Would second this.
I’ve not spoken to my mother for about 3/4 months after she sent my siblings and I a message about how crap we are as children 🫠 she acts like she doesn’t know why I’m not speaking with her, and whilst the no-contact has been lovely, I’m not sure how feasible it is long term due to the upset it’ll cause in my wider family. So difficult, isn’t it? Any tips on this would be fab x

 

[pandysbox]

I’m almost no contact and I’d say it took me a good 6 years right even get to this point

i admire those who just cut them off. I’m always concerned about the repercussions

 

[PrincessCharming]

Coming up for 10 years NC. No regrets and life is good.

 

[Eureka]

No contact for many years now and it’s the best thing I ever did. The wider family think I’m the worst human alive but I don’t care. I don’t need to be around those people so what they think of me is none of my business.

I must admit I read some of your stories and I give myself a pat on the back for getting out. I don’t like to think who I would be today if I’d stayed, probably a shell of a person. Abuse is like a slow decay that destroys the person you could be. If you can’t go no contact even keeping interactions to the bare minimum can help. Love to everyone dealing with this xx

 

[cee-bee]

So glad I found this thread. Horrible reading everyone’s stories because no one should have to endure that, especially as a child. But it does make it less lonely. I’ve been limited contact with both parents for a few years now but I’m wedding planning now and it’s so difficult to navigate with two dysfunctional parents.

 

[Curlywurly85]

how did you handle going no contact? I don’t think I’m ready for that. Sometimes I think I’m much better about not letting her bother me, and then….

I’d been grey rocking for a while so there was nothing there. My parents actually stopped speaking to me and I am so glad they did because I’d never have done it otherwise. Usually, I would be the one to make the first move and apologise even though I’d done nothing wrong. I went and got a lot of counselling so there was no going back and in stronger than ever. I blocked them on everything. Only contact I’ve had was an email last October asking if I wanted her sofa as she was getting rid of it I never responded. They also sent Xmas cards but I chucked them in the bin. My brother gets a birthday card, I don’t
She also wrote a card to our dentist saying she wasn’t going anymore as we’d fallen out and she wouldn’t be visiting me anymore (they live around an hour away from me - thank god!) I was so angry as it was super awkward but after a bit I just laughed. I don’t miss them at all and am so thankful for the opportunity I was given and that I took it!

 

[Bananabadger]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking??

My mum is so crazy. My dad enables her and since he's retired it feels even harder to have a separate relationship with him.

 

[bozlem3080]

So glad I’ve found this thread, my mum in particular is just a nasty vile woman, my dad unfortunately just does as he is told, my mum never maternal, never hugged me, never said she loved me, nothing, just kind of chucked money at me, yes I had nice things but love & affection was never given, always told mental health was pathetic & she never suffered with it so why should anyone else? She turned a blind to me at the age of 14/15 dating a man aged 20, didn’t see anything wrong with it, I got pregnant at 16 (not by that man) she was livid, I moved out not long after, in all the yrs I’ve lived with my ex & kids I can count on 1 hand how many times she has been to my house, people say ‘but she is your mum’ hmmm that’s questionable told me I was a selfish witch when I tried to end my life earlier this year, we don’t talk anymore & personally I don’t care, she told me I was a money grabbing witch too, funny really cos if I was I would be at her door begging for forgiveness for being a ‘selfish witch’