Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[cosytoes]

So here I am again. Typing my thoughts and posting to a group of people I’ve never met an am unlikely to ever meet. But typing it out stops it going round I’m my head. I’m completely burnt out. And the person that I should be able to go to for support has just screamed at me and put the phone down on me because my daughter didn’t ring her to let her know she was home from her holiday

My daughter went on a make or break holiday with her husband and kids. All was going well until he sneaked off to the casino and blew all their spending money ( my mother knows nothing of this she doesn’t even know that my daughter and her husband have separated and he doesn’t live at home anymore) I received a phone call in the middle of the night with my daughter crying hysterically. I calmed her down and we talked for a while. I transferred her some money and they finished the holiday. But it was the final straw for her and she’s contacting a solicitor on Monday.

My son was sexually assaulted at work by a male colleague. He’s reported it to work and the police but it has really messed with his head. He didn’t react how he feels he should have. He keeps saying I should have punched him but instead he just went into shock and stayed rooted to the spot. He’s having flashbacks and is struggling with his emotions. He’s been offered counselling but there’s a waiting list. In the meantime I’m trying my best to support him.

My job is incredibly stressful at the moment and I’m driving 200-250 miles a day as well as working in between. I’m waiting for my new car but at the moment I’m having to make do with a rental and to be honest it scares the life out of me on the motorway. It has no power and is about as comfortable as sitting on a deck chair I find myself in pain when I try to get out of it. I’m paranoid that I’m going to make a wrong decision at work and that it will end in catastrophe

I’m at the point where I feel like going to the airport and just getting on the next available flight but I know that I’m only going to take my problems with me.

I’m menopausal and my moods are all over the place and I’m currently crying because my mother has made everything about her again. I know that I’m excluding her by not telling her about my childrens problems. But I honestly can’t deal with her I told you so’s.

sorry for the long post but it does help to write it down

how do you guys do the no contact? My husband says I need to be stronger but I acknowledge that I’m a people pleaser. I’m ultra sensitive and my brain just won’t switch off.

Must watch:




They constantly dangle that sense of “I’m going to reject you” and that’s how they keep their power.

It’s the exhaustion of every social interaction feeling like a loss of your sovereignty.

The fact is we are all responsible for our own happiness.

There is no version of this story where you will do enough that’s right for them, so just do what feels right to you.

Thank you for this video I just scrolled back and found it. That lady makes a lot of sense. But I’m not sure if I can personally put it into action yet because I’m still in the doormat stage x

 

[rainbowlemon]

So here I am again. Typing my thoughts and posting to a group of people I’ve never met an am unlikely to ever meet. But typing it out stops it going round I’m my head. I’m completely burnt out. And the person that I should be able to go to for support has just screamed at me and put the phone down on me because my daughter didn’t ring her to let her know she was home from her holiday

My daughter went on a make or break holiday with her husband and kids. All was going well until he sneaked off to the casino and blew all their spending money ( my mother knows nothing of this she doesn’t even know that my daughter and her husband have separated and he doesn’t live at home anymore) I received a phone call in the middle of the night with my daughter crying hysterically. I calmed her down and we talked for a while. I transferred her some money and they finished the holiday. But it was the final straw for her and she’s contacting a solicitor on Monday.

My son was sexually assaulted at work by a male colleague. He’s reported it to work and the police but it has really messed with his head. He didn’t react how he feels he should have. He keeps saying I should have punched him but instead he just went into shock and stayed rooted to the spot. He’s having flashbacks and is struggling with his emotions. He’s been offered counselling but there’s a waiting list. In the meantime I’m trying my best to support him.

My job is incredibly stressful at the moment and I’m driving 200-250 miles a day as well as working in between. I’m waiting for my new car but at the moment I’m having to make do with a rental and to be honest it scares the life out of me on the motorway. It has no power and is about as comfortable as sitting on a deck chair I find myself in pain when I try to get out of it. I’m paranoid that I’m going to make a wrong decision at work and that it will end in catastrophe

I’m at the point where I feel like going to the airport and just getting on the next available flight but I know that I’m only going to take my problems with me.

I’m menopausal and my moods are all over the place and I’m currently crying because my mother has made everything about her again. I know that I’m excluding her by not telling her about my childrens problems. But I honestly can’t deal with her I told you so’s.

sorry for the long post but it does help to write it down

how do you guys do the no contact? My husband says I need to be stronger but I acknowledge that I’m a people pleaser. I’m ultra sensitive and my brain just won’t switch off.


Thank you for this video I just scrolled back and found it. That lady makes a lot of sense. But I’m not sure if I can personally put it into action yet because I’m still in the doormat stage x

I'm sorry your going through this.

You already are being so strong. My therapist told me that people pleasing is a skill we learn to survive. Nothing wrong with being ultra sensitive. I am too. You just need more time to rebalance.

I was no contact with a few of my cousins. I stopped replying and if we were in the same place i would just avoid them. limit my exposure time. You don't have to do it all at once. Phasing them out gradually might make it easier.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself.

 

[cosytoes]

I'm sorry your going through this.

You already are being so strong. My therapist told me that people pleasing is a skill we learn to survive. Nothing wrong with being ultra sensitive. I am too. You just need more time to rebalance.

I was no contact with a few of my cousins. I stopped replying and if we were in the same place i would just avoid them. limit my exposure time. You don't have to do it all at once. Phasing them out gradually might make it easier.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself.

Thank you for responding. Strangers on the internet can often be the most supportive friends. I’m going on holiday with my husband in a couple of weeks. But I know I’ll take all my baggage with me. I wish I could be the kind of person that shrugs things off. But I dwell and then work myself up. Narcissistic mothers have a lot to answer for. I need to cut her off but I feel beholden to her for some strange reason x

 

[rainbowlemon]

Thank you for responding. Strangers on the internet can often be the most supportive friends. I’m going on holiday with my husband in a couple of weeks. But I know I’ll take all my baggage with me. I wish I could be the kind of person that shrugs things off. But I dwell and then work myself up. Narcissistic mothers have a lot to answer for. I need to cut her off but I feel beholden to her for some strange reason x

Try to take it day by day on holiday and try not put too much pressure and expectation on yourself. Accept whatever you're feeling. I also dwell on things and talking to someone and seeking reassurance if i need it helps. Maybe try distracting yourself with a movie for a bit when it's bad or writing even if it's one line a day.

I have the same feelings about my own mother. So you're not alone there.

 

[blossombloss]

So here I am again. Typing my thoughts and posting to a group of people I’ve never met an am unlikely to ever meet. But typing it out stops it going round I’m my head. I’m completely burnt out. And the person that I should be able to go to for support has just screamed at me and put the phone down on me because my daughter didn’t ring her to let her know she was home from her holiday

My daughter went on a make or break holiday with her husband and kids. All was going well until he sneaked off to the casino and blew all their spending money ( my mother knows nothing of this she doesn’t even know that my daughter and her husband have separated and he doesn’t live at home anymore) I received a phone call in the middle of the night with my daughter crying hysterically. I calmed her down and we talked for a while. I transferred her some money and they finished the holiday. But it was the final straw for her and she’s contacting a solicitor on Monday.

My son was sexually assaulted at work by a male colleague. He’s reported it to work and the police but it has really messed with his head. He didn’t react how he feels he should have. He keeps saying I should have punched him but instead he just went into shock and stayed rooted to the spot. He’s having flashbacks and is struggling with his emotions. He’s been offered counselling but there’s a waiting list. In the meantime I’m trying my best to support him.

My job is incredibly stressful at the moment and I’m driving 200-250 miles a day as well as working in between. I’m waiting for my new car but at the moment I’m having to make do with a rental and to be honest it scares the life out of me on the motorway. It has no power and is about as comfortable as sitting on a deck chair I find myself in pain when I try to get out of it. I’m paranoid that I’m going to make a wrong decision at work and that it will end in catastrophe

I’m at the point where I feel like going to the airport and just getting on the next available flight but I know that I’m only going to take my problems with me.

I’m menopausal and my moods are all over the place and I’m currently crying because my mother has made everything about her again. I know that I’m excluding her by not telling her about my childrens problems. But I honestly can’t deal with her I told you so’s.

sorry for the long post but it does help to write it down

how do you guys do the no contact? My husband says I need to be stronger but I acknowledge that I’m a people pleaser. I’m ultra sensitive and my brain just won’t switch off.


Thank you for this video I just scrolled back and found it. That lady makes a lot of sense. But I’m not sure if I can personally put it into action yet because I’m still in the doormat stage x

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to acknowledge this and say I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. And I'm so sorry you can't find support with your mum. You sound like an incredibly and supportive mother though xxx

 

[cosytoes]

Just a quick update. My mother hasn’t been in contact with me at all……. An the radio silence is heaven. She used to collect my 2 little people from school on Monday and Wednesday but I’ve put them into after school club and they love it.

my daughter has spoken to a solicitor and is looking forward to the future and my grandsons don’t appear phased at all (their daddy moved out a couple of months ago) so nothing has changed for them.

The sexual deviant who assaulted my son has been charged with 4 counts of sexual abuse by the police and has been sacked for gross misconduct. My son is still struggling but he’s a strong person and will recover with support (which he’s getting from us and his girlfriend)

my job is still stressful but I’m going away ( just me and mr toes) in a couple of weeks so I’m going to try to unwind.

So it appears that my mother has instigated the no contact and although it’s only been a few days the anxiety that I feel when I see her name on my phone screen isn’t happening. AND ITS HEAVEN. Long May the no contact last. ( she will cave and call me because she just loves buying her grandkids and great grandkids affection.)

Thank you for your support and kind words. They meant so much when I was lost

 

[rainbowlemon]

Im sorry about your son. It’s 100% not his fault not .Just an idea but maybe your son could also get his name on a few other waiting lists too at the same time?

Mainly for london but there’s a few others listed too.

Other affordable options for people on low incomes

Ongoing talking therapy – counselling and psychotherapy – will usually feel like a luxury and out of reach for people on low incomes. The Free Psychotherapy Network is a response to the…

freepsychotherapynetwork.com

Perhaps instead of waiting for her to call you. You could block your mother until you’re ready to talk to her.

Please keep posting if it helps. Even it’s just about other things too. l

Sending you love

 

[Wophie]

I can't believe I'm back here but to vent about my mum this time.

I gave birth just over a week ago to my second living child, who unfortunately had to stay over a week in NICU. This is hard in itself, add on top the hormones, separation anxiety plus the fact I have previous pregnancy losses setting me up for a crap time.
In the pregnancy I was pretty private with what I shared and I wanted to be the same just after birth and slowly let people know baby is here. Even more so once he was taken down to NICU.
A few hours after the birth I video called my mum and then later sent her photos and asked her not to share them yet please.

Two days later I'm back in hospital in A&E with severe swelling, separated from both my new baby and my toddler at home. Oh and my milk was coming in so add the baby blues to that. I get a text from my aunt congratulating me and telling me my mum had shown her photos of my baby. Now I barely speak to my aunt at all and haven't seen her since before covid. So I'm obviously really annoyed with my mum and send her a text. Was my tone crappy? Yes. I may have even called her a cow. She's got a track record of breaking my trust in pregnancies. She contacted the whole family to let them know I was miscarrying before I had it confirm via scan 4 years ago. She told my nan about my pregnancy with my first daughter when I'd asked her not to because I wanted to announce to her on mother's Day. With my second miscarriage she barely even text me to ask how I was and when she saw me in person acted like nothing had happened.

So in response to my texts, my mum told me I am out of order and she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I'm sat in a&e sobbing my eyes out that I'm dealing with this. She was due to visit my son in NICU that day and I told her not to come. I was feeling vulnerable and didn't want to see her after she hurt me. She told me I am nasty and she will never forget how I have treated her.

Days later I got a tit half arsed apology after I tried to calmly explain to her how what she did was wrong and why it hurt me. I also apologised for calling her a cow. She only apologised so she could visit my son in hospital. She had to tag on the end that I have overreacted and really hurt her. I asked her for empathy for my situation and my reactions and she told me it's no excuse for me to treat her like tit.

Like a mug I swept it under the rug. She got her visit and sat there next to me and my baby hooked up to the machines and said "we are friends right?". I said yes... but what was I meant to do sat in NICU around other parents and my baby right there?! I'm so hurt that my mum couldn't have any empathy or understanding towards me as a new mother. She has always been this way... she does something out of line, myself or my sister's react and then we are the bad guy. We end up apologising for reacting to her bad behaviour just to keep the peace.

I'm no contact with my dad too (who has separated from my mum) so honestly I've spent my first week and a bit postpartum feeling very lonely. I am lucky to have a brilliant mother in law and friends because otherwise I think I'd be a rock bottom right now.

 

[cosytoes]

I can't believe I'm back here but to vent about my mum this time.

I gave birth just over a week ago to my second living child, who unfortunately had to stay over a week in NICU. This is hard in itself, add on top the hormones, separation anxiety plus the fact I have previous pregnancy losses setting me up for a crap time.
In the pregnancy I was pretty private with what I shared and I wanted to be the same just after birth and slowly let people know baby is here. Even more so once he was taken down to NICU.
A few hours after the birth I video called my mum and then later sent her photos and asked her not to share them yet please.

Two days later I'm back in hospital in A&E with severe swelling, separated from both my new baby and my toddler at home. Oh and my milk was coming in so add the baby blues to that. I get a text from my aunt congratulating me and telling me my mum had shown her photos of my baby. Now I barely speak to my aunt at all and haven't seen her since before covid. So I'm obviously really annoyed with my mum and send her a text. Was my tone crappy? Yes. I may have even called her a cow. She's got a track record of breaking my trust in pregnancies. She contacted the whole family to let them know I was miscarrying before I had it confirm via scan 4 years ago. She told my nan about my pregnancy with my first daughter when I'd asked her not to because I wanted to announce to her on mother's Day. With my second miscarriage she barely even text me to ask how I was and when she saw me in person acted like nothing had happened.

So in response to my texts, my mum told me I am out of order and she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I'm sat in a&e sobbing my eyes out that I'm dealing with this. She was due to visit my son in NICU that day and I told her not to come. I was feeling vulnerable and didn't want to see her after she hurt me. She told me I am nasty and she will never forget how I have treated her.

Days later I got a tit half arsed apology after I tried to calmly explain to her how what she did was wrong and why it hurt me. I also apologised for calling her a cow. She only apologised so she could visit my son in hospital. She had to tag on the end that I have overreacted and really hurt her. I asked her for empathy for my situation and my reactions and she told me it's no excuse for me to treat her like tit.

Like a mug I swept it under the rug. She got her visit and sat there next to me and my baby hooked up to the machines and said "we are friends right?". I said yes... but what was I meant to do sat in NICU around other parents and my baby right there?! I'm so hurt that my mum couldn't have any empathy or understanding towards me as a new mother. She has always been this way... she does something out of line, myself or my sister's react and then we are the bad guy. We end up apologising for reacting to her bad behaviour just to keep the peace.

I'm no contact with my dad too (who has separated from my mum) so honestly I've spent my first week and a bit postpartum feeling very lonely. I am lucky to have a brilliant mother in law and friends because otherwise I think I'd be a rock bottom right now.

I don’t have any answers for you but I want you to know I’m thinking about you.

Whilst we’re all on here supporting each other I wish that the narcissistic people who cause us to come to an online forum and bare our emotions could just for a minute stop and realise the pain that they cause. But by the very nature of their personalities this isn’t going to happen, because in their eyes they’re always the ones being wronged and they can do no wrong.

My narcissistic mother still hasn’t been in touch and the relief is immense. I’m beginning to see how no contact could work for me. It may be worth try.

Take care of yourself and look for some support from people who you can trust

 

[Bananabadger]

@Wophie - congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you’re both doing well. What you asked your mum for was completely reasonable, and even if she didn’t think so, she should have stuck to it given that he’s your baby and you are going through an incredibly emotional, difficult time.

my own stuff is small fry but today I have to do a particular activity with my mum (unavoidable) which is always super stressful and even if it goes well at the time, she’ll often tell me later all the things which pissed her off. I can’t trust my mum at all because she’ll pretend things are ok long enough that I relax and then later yell down the phone at me. I find it really stressful and traumatic.

 

[Blonde123]

I’ve put some distance between myself and my parents, asking others to babysit etc and it’s been wonderful for my mental health. I’d urge you all to try and do it as well if you can.

 

[rainbowlemon]

@Wophie - congratulations on the birth of your son. I hope you’re both doing well. What you asked your mum for was completely reasonable, and even if she didn’t think so, she should have stuck to it given that he’s your baby and you are going through an incredibly emotional, difficult time.

my own stuff is small fry but today I have to do a particular activity with my mum (unavoidable) which is always super stressful and even if it goes well at the time, she’ll often tell me later all the things which pissed her off. I can’t trust my mum at all because she’ll pretend things are ok long enough that I relax and then later yell down the phone at me. I find it really stressful and traumatic.

I’ve posted this somewhere else too. Pain is pain at the end of the end. Just because someone else is going through a lot doesn’t minimize your stuff. I would suggest after the activity blocking your mother as a contact or turning off your phone so you’re not reachable for a bit . At times I didn’t have to reply just left the phone on whilst they talked and walked away. Then came back and said i had to go.

 

[Bananabadger]

@rainbowlemon -- thank you. She was predictably crazy again earlier today. Tiny creepy pissed-off voice, bombarding me with her anxiety and creating problems which aren't problems. I am choosing to almost feel as cold as possible towards her? Almost nourish the bit of me that doesn't care.

 

[Merpedy]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

This is so true!

 

[cosytoes]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

This is so true. Randomly changing the subject mid conversation to something about themselves. Or playing Tommy Topem is my mum’s favourite game. Everything is a competition with her. Usually bragging about herself or my brother #goldenchild.

The day I got confirmation that I had completed my masters degree I rang mum to tell her and she said “ that’s nice dear. Did you know your brother bought a new car today?” I despair.

I still haven’t heard from her. Although my dad rang while she was out shopping. Him I can cope with although he is her chief enabler.

 

[Snowjoke]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

That is literally so true! No one else is allowed to have any kind of opinion or problem because they are always much worse off

 

[Chandler Bing]

That is literally so true! No one else is allowed to have any kind of opinion or problem because they are always much worse off

I'm not allowed to say anything negative about my job, its not as hard as his was so not allowed to complain. I don't know how easy I have it apparently.

I'm not allowed to say anything negative about my job, its not as hard as his was so not allowed to complain. I don't know how easy I have it apparently.

I should add that he doesn't actually know what it is that I do for a living. He's never bothered to ask or listen to me for long enough to know. All he knows is that it's not as hard as his was, he will not be convinced otherwise.

 

[DLMM4129]

I’ve not had a relationship with my dad for 8 years, he divorced my mum when I was 1 year old and I’m now in my 30s. Not till I had my own children did I realise how much he was not a decent father. My mum recently told me that when I was 5 months old and having an operation he wouldn’t come see me because he couldn’t smoke his weed around the hosp. He’s smoked it as long as I remember and has an alcohol dependence too. Told me I was how biggest waste of decent sperm when I invited him to my wedding as an olive branch. No matter how much time passes this doesn’t get easier

 

[Blonde123]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

I could not agree with this anymore. You’ve hit the nail on the head