Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

Good Egg · Apr 29, 2022

TheGlossy said:
My mom again ... I think I mentioned earlier that I was bending over & backwards for her following my dad's death (handling estate affairs, paying some of their debts, playing psychologist with her) when she's not shown an ounce of emotional support (body shamed me within 5 minutes of seeing me after 6 years of estrangement, complained about how things are not moving fast enough etc...).

More recently, I opened up to her about how exhausted I have been with all the estate stuff on top of my job and she dismissed me saying: "My friend texted saying they're coming over in an hour or two, so if I cut the conversation short in a little why, you know why". She didn't even acknowledged what I said at all. When I told her I didn't appreciate her response, she burst into tears saying nothing will ever replace my dad anyways (not sure what it has to do with what I was saying). Every single time I speak about my grief or pain, she dismisses me and turns the subject back to her. She keeps saying she's the only parent we have left. Quite frankly, I've never had a connection with her and whatever emotional tie I had to her died 6 years ago when I cut her off. I never wanted to reconnect with her and thus was imposed upon me after my dad's death.

I haven't spoken to her since the above episode two weeks ago. She knows full well I broke my phone and can't Facetime, so I have to pay to call her which is crazy expensive. I told her countless times I can't call until I get a proper phone because of how expensive it is and she keeps asking me to call to talk nonsense for two hours (what she ate or cooked, dismissing my emotions etc). I don't want to talk to her. I'm drained enough as it is.

Anyways, today my sister sent me an email today at 4pm while I was at work saying: "Mom asked you to call her to just talk, but she has a cold, so she doesn't have the strength to talk".

First of all, I don't appreciate being pestered during business hours for a non-urgent thing. Secondly, she knows I haven't bought a phone, so I'm not paying another €50 just to call her for 2 hours. Thirdly, what is this emotional manipulation of asking my sister to tell me she doesn't have the strength to talk because she has a cold, but asks me to call nonetheless? She thinks I'm suddenly going to panic and saying "she's the only parent we have left, so I better call her now because she has a cold". She has a cold, so what? She didn't feel sorry for me when I told her I was experiencing a severe burnout and ended up bedridden the following week. Why would I feel sorry a healthy 62 year old woman has a cold?

I've decided not to respond and when I respond, I'll just say I don't have a proper working phone still (which is true) and I'm busy at the moment. The emotional manipulation to get me to call has reached another level.

Last time she asked me to call her, she dismissed my feelings and drained me for two hours. Where is this friend of hers now? It's harsh, but I need to set strict boundaries. I don't appreciate getting pestered when I'm at work and her instilling fear by saying she has a cold so she doesn't have the strength is something else. She thinks now that we lost my dad, I'm suddenly going to live with the fear that she might pass too. Hum, no. It may be harsh, but I can't do this anymore for my own sanity.

They are always dying. They are always so very ill. It’s a hoovering tactic to guilt trip you into helping.
Stay strong - don’t give in. You sound stronger than me.

I am having another dip in my mental health today, infact this week. I’ve hardly done anything. Not washed or brushed my hair. Slept most of today.

When things are bad I overeat. Anything really. I try and block it all out.

It’s the rage I find hard to deal with. When she stomps, goes in my face, screams and yells or leaves the most awful voicemails or a million missed calls (not even joking) I feel like the 3year old i once was having to deal with the rage then as a small child yet I’m a forty something adult? Go figure that one? How did I survive it then?

I jump at the most smallest of sounds. At work a lad shouted at someone else, banter between lads I jumped so much (!!) it’s like when it happens I freeze, everything goes slow and for some split second it feels like I’m dreaming or imagining it? This is where my OCD mind steps in. It’s like you are living the moment through a tv screen. I cannot move or speak. It terrifies me.

For now it is peace. The phone is off the hook, mobile switched off. I’m safe. This has been my life. All my life. I sympathise with everyone reading or writing in this thread. The solution isn’t simple. It is hell.

TheGlossy · Apr 29, 2022

@Good Egg I'm really sorry to hear about the impact your mother has on you. I can completely relate. It is tough to deal with someone who has a strong power over you. The guilt is real and as you said, they use guilt or fear to manipulate you.

I still haven't answered my sister's email about my mom asking me to call. Since my dad died, I have developed a habit of calling her as soon as she asks, but then I quickly realized her ways have not changed. Those 6 years of estrangement did nothing to her and she has gotten far worse now that my dad has died. I noticed the impact she has on my mental health when I speak to her - I basically hit a new low each time because of the way she is. So when she asked me to call yesterday, I remembered the low I experienced after I last spoke to her and realized I don't want to experience this again because it's gotten to the point where it derails me for days. Yes, she is grieving my dad and I don't like kicking a person when they're down, but she done nothing but hurt my feelings repeatedly.

You need to learn to protect yourself. I always think of what they say on airplanes about taking care of your own oxygen mask because you tend to someone else's. This is exactly the principle you need to apply. If your mother has such a negative impact on your mental health, learn to stand your ground and limits calls to what is absolutely necessary. It is easier said than done certainly, but you turning off your phone is a good first step. Learn not to be at someone's beck and call when all they do is take from you and give nothing in return. They feed off of your energy and you wind up drained with no energy left for you.

Good Egg · Apr 29, 2022

TheGlossy said:
@Good Egg I'm really sorry to hear about the impact your mother has on you. I can completely relate. It is tough to deal with someone who has a strong power over you. The guilt is real and as you said, they use guilt or fear to manipulate you.

I still haven't answered my sister's email about my mom asking me to call. Since my dad died, I have developed a habit of calling her as soon as she asks, but then I quickly realized her ways have not changed. Those 6 years of estrangement did nothing to her and she has gotten far worse now that my dad has died. I noticed the impact she has on my mental health when I speak to her - I basically hit a new low each time because of the way she is. So when she asked me to call yesterday, I remembered the low I experienced after I last spoke to her and realized I don't want to experience this again because it's gotten to the point where it derails me for days. Yes, she is grieving my dad and I don't like kicking a person when they're down, but she done nothing but hurt my feelings repeatedly.

You need to learn to protect yourself. I always think of what they say on airplanes about taking care of your own oxygen mask because you tend to someone else's. This is exactly the principle you need to apply. If your mother has such a negative impact on your mental health, learn to stand your ground and limits calls to what is absolutely necessary. It is easier said than done certainly, but you turning off your phone is a good first step. Learn not to be at someone's beck and call when all they do is take from you and give nothing in return. They feed off of your energy and you wind up drained with no energy left for you.

Thank you for your kind words

Good Egg · Apr 30, 2022

TheGlossy said:
@Good Egg I'm really sorry to hear about the impact your mother has on you. I can completely relate. It is tough to deal with someone who has a strong power over you. The guilt is real and as you said, they use guilt or fear to manipulate you.

I still haven't answered my sister's email about my mom asking me to call. Since my dad died, I have developed a habit of calling her as soon as she asks, but then I quickly realized her ways have not changed. Those 6 years of estrangement did nothing to her and she has gotten far worse now that my dad has died. I noticed the impact she has on my mental health when I speak to her - I basically hit a new low each time because of the way she is. So when she asked me to call yesterday, I remembered the low I experienced after I last spoke to her and realized I don't want to experience this again because it's gotten to the point where it derails me for days. Yes, she is grieving my dad and I don't like kicking a person when they're down, but she done nothing but hurt my feelings repeatedly.

You need to learn to protect yourself. I always think of what they say on airplanes about taking care of your own oxygen mask because you tend to someone else's. This is exactly the principle you need to apply. If your mother has such a negative impact on your mental health, learn to stand your ground and limits calls to what is absolutely necessary. It is easier said than done certainly, but you turning off your phone is a good first step. Learn not to be at someone's beck and call when all they do is take from you and give nothing in return. They feed off of your energy and you wind up drained with no energy left for you.

Just wanted to say I’m sorry for what you are going through and likewise I understand the hitting the lows after being in contact.

I did quickly reply yesterday to your post. I must apologise for the quick response. I hardly slept last night and when I did eventually fall asleep it was time to wake up again.

What strikes me the most from your post is the responsibility seems to lie heavy all on your shoulders. Ok so your mum is grieving your Dad. But YOU are grieving YOUR Dad too? You also deserve the same level of respect and time and space to grieve your Dad?

100% putting boundaries in place is so important. I understand wholeheartedly what you are saying with regards to that. What happens is I put boundaries in place and the narrative changes and for a while things feel ‘normal’. Until, of course it implodes again and I think what am I doing (a bit like you they learn nothing). It’s neverending!
I hope your day has gone well so far. I’m contemplating doing a supermarket shop... I did get dressed and ready today so that is good

TheGlossy · Apr 30, 2022

@Good Egg

Thank you for your kind words. No problem at all. I completely understand your point about being tired and drained to the point where you don't have the energy to even type on your keyboard. I'm there myself too. Some days even reading as much as a simple text is too much. I'm glad to hear you managed to get dressed and contemplating getting some fresh air. You need to clear your head, even if it's just a small trip to the supermarket. These people eat up so much of your mental energy that it translates into your physical health as well.

It's a vicious circle. As you said, you set boundaries, things seem to operate somewhat normally, then they suddenly push the envelope and things implode again only to get back to square one. No matter how many times you set boundaries, they never seem to respect them. It's a never ending cycle, but the only person getting drained here is their victim not them. They are living their lives with no care in the world as to how much of an impact their toxicity has on people, meanwhile, we are here picking ourselves up on a daily basis to regain the oxygen they stole from us.

Exactly. I need some respect and more importantly, space. I ended up telling my sister to tell her I'm too busy and cannot speak to my mom at the moment. My sister said "No worries, I know, that's why I didn't want to pester you when you didn't respond right away". Well, I don't know where they're getting this idea from that they're doing me a favour by not pestering me if I don't respond right away. I have no obligation to respond, let alone right away. Me reconnecting with my mother is something that was forced into my life, not something I actively consented to. For now, I'm manoeuvring the estate processes, but once all is finalized, I think I will move on and limit contact. I was not given a choice to welcome her back into my life, but once the estate is sorted, then I will have a choice to leave the door open or close it, but based on her track record thus far, the decision is already made.

a.pain · Apr 30, 2022

The thing that always gets me is the guilt. My mum and I haven’t spoken since Easter Sunday when she stormed out of my house, apart from texting me a week later saying she wanted to come over and sort things out and then cancelling when I said yes. Not heard from her since. Why am I sitting here feeling crippling guilt that she isn’t seeing her grandchildren, that I am somehow ostracising her? My husband witnessed everything and said I did nothing wrong and she was massively unreasonable and should be apologising to me. Every time this happens I end up trying to fix things with her out of guilt and always am the one apologising for ‘reacting angrily’ or ‘raising my voice’ or whatever it is I’ve done in response to her unreasonable or hurtful action. I doubt she is sitting at home feeling guilty for not being the mother I deserve or even a passable one. I don’t understand how hard it is to just support your child in their lives when things go wrong or through major life events without trying to knock them down at every turn. What’s it like to be able to go to your mum when you’re upset or need help? If I did that I’d be blamed for whatever it was that happened and criticised relentlessly. I remember once my brother asked her if she would lend him a small sum of money for the week end or whatever and she went on and on at him for managing his finances poorly, the irony being that my mother is in hideous debt and is borrowing money off us both at every chance. If we dare to say something about it then you’re slammed for ‘trying to make her feel shitty’. Can’t see her own flaws through everyone else’s. Surely if she cared that much about being on speaking terms with me and seeing the children she claims are her sole reason for living she would apologise to me. She is incapable of true apology. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly get over this. It’s just all consuming sometimes and I can’t see a way out.

shhh1712 · May 1, 2022

Hello! Haven’t been on this thread in a while but need a place to put my thoughts down.
In the last 6 or so months my Mum has messaged my fiancé a few times when drunk, we’ve laughed it off and my fiancé finds it weird but will just say ‘that’s your Mum all over’. Anyway tonight she has sent him a voice note saying how much she loves him and that he is the best son in law etc etc. she has then sent me a message saying I love you so much and all this drunk crap. The voice note has made me feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed for her. I said to my fiancé that I feel like she is in love with him I know he felt really uncomfortable even listening to it. it’s just really odd behaviour and I don’t know how to move forward or whether I should say something. I’ve ignored her message as right now I just cba to respond to her as I find it highly embarrassing, my fiancé won’t respond to her either.

Wophie · May 2, 2022

Wophie said:
Not sure really how to begin with this, but I feel really confused about my dad. He ticks all the boxes for being a narcissist, but he has never been OBVIOUSLY abusive (physical/calling nasty names) which makes me doubt everything.

My mum and dad are now divorced, but when they were together he constantly belittled her and wore her down to have no confidence. Her self esteem was so low and she wasn't able to be assertive in situations. She suffered from social anxiety and depression, and still does today, even though she eventually got out. I unfortunately suffer all of the above and I can only see my dad as the common denominator.

It started when I was about 10. I'd come home from school with a shining report apart from PE. He would never congratulate me, but instead make me spend my weekend throwing a ball in the garden over and over to become "perfect".

It got much worse as a teen. He would constantly belittle me for my choice in college course, telling me what I should do instead. I was studying special effects makeup but he wanted me to be a paramedic (huge respect to them, but it's no interest to me). I would get upset and feel like a failure, and he'd tell me I was being over sensitive and to grow up. He'd also tell me that the reason a couple of boyfriend's I'd had in school would dump me was because I was too emotional and "nobody likes that".
I was never allowed to express my opinion or explain myself in any way. He would always shout over me and not let me speak, resulting in me crying and him telling me to stop being so sensitive.
He could never be wrong. My grandma even told me she has only ever once managed to get him to admit he was wrong, and this was as a 10 year old.
I had my first daughter a few years ago, and in the later weeks of pregnancy I was becoming anxious at how I would get to the hospital once labour began as we do not drive. I asked him that IF he was available, could he please take me there (note, it was a big IF, I wasn't asking him to book time off work). He simply replied "book a taxi".
Once my daughter was born he made minimal attempts to see her. He would smugly as how I was because he said he KNOWS all about PND. He "knows" because his second wife had it severely and he still uses it against her and to make her appear incapable to this day - 16 years on.
He lives 2 miles from me and has only see my daughter about 5 times in the two years she has been alive. I know there has been a pandemic, but my in-laws have seen her double that and they live a 3 hour drive away. They just jumped at the opportunity when we had brief periods of lockdown easing.

The icing on the cake which has pushed me to actually connect the dots with all of this and realise what is happening to me is father's Day. I already hadn't seen him since a brief 2 minute doorstep chat in December. Two weeks before father's Day I put the feelers out and said if he'd like to meet up we can, but not until later afternoon as we would be busy in the day. He said he wanted to see me but refused to commit to a time.
Fathers day comes and at 11am I text to ask when he would be coming to our town. 5 hours later he gives me 1 hours notice to meet him at a local pub. I was currently bathing my daughter and needed to sort her tea out too, so asked if we could delay an hour. That's when he told me I was being difficult, didn't want to see him and was creating obstacles. I told him he's more than welcome to come to my house for a bit until my daughter is sorted then we can head out. He continued to tell me I was being difficult, all because I wouldn't do exactly as he wanted.
I was getting annoyed and upset at him refering to my daughter as an "obstacle", so I called him instead to talk. Well that did a lot of good because he said I'd also caused an obstacle by not.just being free for him all day long, and that taking my husband out for a meal was me causing yet again another obstacle.
I'm not proud but I had an emotional meltdown and shouted at him down the phone. I told him he's a shit dad and to fuck off. Then the rest of the night I got abusive messages telling me that I am immature, I only contact him when I want something (not true), I am inconsiderate and basically everything is my fault. He also said "well.im.sorry your highness I was sorting the boys [my brother's] out" in response to not letting me know when he wanted to meet up until an hour before. Also said that my stepmum is in hospital which has ruined his day and now I had totally ruined his chances of salvaging a good father's day. I tried to get out of him why my stepmum is in hospital and hoped she was ok, but that was ignored

Later on in the evening because I'm a fucking mug I messaged him to say sorry for shouting and swearing but I wish he'd make more of an effort with my daughter and I.

Did he respond? Did he fuck. Because my empathy got the better of me and I fell into his trap of being the one to say sorry.

Anyway this is the longest post I've ever made, so nobody has to read it. It was very therapeutic getting it all out and written down at least.

I'm sorry to quote my post especially almost a year on, but I realised reading back my old post that things got a lot worse since last year.

I miscarried at 10 weeks in October last year following the argument with my dad. I still hadn't heard from him at all despite sending birthday cards to him and my brother's. Nor had I to wish my daughter a happy birthday. I actually ended up posting on my Facebook about my miscarriage... I did so as I never got to announce that I was pregnant and I wanted to acknowledge that my baby has existed. I also want to break the taboo around pregnancy loss and as this was my second loss I went on to start doing fund raisers to raise money for pregnancy loss charities. So as my dad has me on Facebook and is on there regularly, he saw all this. But he didn't reach out once to check how I was doing. That hurt me so so much.

Then Christmas... I didn't know what to do. He usually would let us know his work schedule and what day he would like us round about a week before Christmas. I didn't want to be the bad person who got an invite and turned up empty handed. I look back and feel a mug for even holding on hope I'd get an invite. I didn't, but I'd bought the presents so I sent them with my sister who did get an invite. I didn't get a thanks or even merry Christmas. He did buy my daughter a present from her Amazon list that he has access to via family however.

Fast forward a few months to my birthday. Nothing. No card or text to wish me a happy birthday.

I am now 5 months pregnant due in August. Due to my anxiety about my previous losses I haven't actually publicly announced this pregnancy. Close friends and family know but that's it. Until my sister accidentally let slip two days ago, so now he knows. Still nothing.

I know I should be able to move on but it hurts so much. I live in fear that he will pop up just after the birth when I'm most vulnerable and feel unable to enforce boundaries. I'm scared he will turn up at my house and try to push his way back into my life. I'm equally scared I won't hear from him after yet another massive life event.

it’s not been changed?! · May 2, 2022

I always feel guilty after venting on here, but I need to do it somewhere where I’ll get some understanding!

I got a text from my mum asking what I was doing yesterday and long story short, I ended up going over to visit her. I was an hour later than when I would usually go and I could tell that had annoyed her. She was quiet and being “funny” with me, but the Less time spent at her house, the better. I become on edge when I go to hers as it was a very fraught environment when I lived there before I bought my own place.
We have nothing to talk about, all she does is bitch about her friends. There is one friend in particular who is moving house with her boyfriend and we were chatting about it because my mum is considering selling up it (but she flits between what part of England she wants to live in and when you call her out on it, she gets in a huff because one minute she wants to stay in the same town and then she wants to move to the other end of the country) so yesterday, my mum was looking at other properties for sale in the same area and came across one that she admired previously where her friend’s old house used to be. Yes, it was a nice house and also on the market for a lot more than her friends new house, but then for some strange reason she said “I’m going to send ****** the link to this house and ask her if it’s a flood risk area, because I’m thinking about putting an offer in” then she looked at me and said “That will really annoy ******”. Wtaf. No, it wouldn’t annoy your friend because isn’t the kind of property she would want to buy. And why lie to your friend about pretending to be interested in putting an offer in?! Honestly, it’s so petty and bizarre. She must be a deeply unhappy 60 year old?! Arghhh

Keikochan · May 2, 2022

it’s not been changed?! said:
I always feel guilty after venting on here, but I need to do it somewhere where I’ll get some understanding!

I got a text from my mum asking what I was doing yesterday and long story short, I ended up going over to visit her. I was an hour later than when I would usually go and I could tell that had annoyed her. She was quiet and being “funny” with me, but the Less time spent at her house, the better. I become on edge when I go to hers as it was a very fraught environment when I lived there before I bought my own place.
We have nothing to talk about, all she does is bitch about her friends. There is one friend in particular who is moving house with her boyfriend and we were chatting about it because my mum is considering selling up it (but she flits between what part of England she wants to live in and when you call her out on it, she gets in a huff because one minute she wants to stay in the same town and then she wants to move to the other end of the country) so yesterday, my mum was looking at other properties for sale in the same area and came across one that she admired previously where her friend’s old house used to be. Yes, it was a nice house and also on the market for a lot more than her friends new house, but then for some strange reason she said “I’m going to send ****** the link to this house and ask her if it’s a flood risk area, because I’m thinking about putting an offer in” then she looked at me and said “That will really annoy ******”. Wtaf. No, it wouldn’t annoy your friend because isn’t the kind of property she would want to buy. And why lie to your friend about pretending to be interested in putting an offer in?! Honestly, it’s so petty and bizarre. She must be a deeply unhappy 60 year old?! Arghhh

Hi, tbh this sounds so familiar, I can't figure out what to call it, petty & bizarre are goods words though like you said. How do some people have the energy to be like this though
Could she possibly mean it might annoy her friend cos your mum is saying she might buy a similar house nearby her friends old house but wouldn't buy the friends house. With an extra stinger cos this current house is more expensive so she is covertly showing off what she can afford & it is more then her friend could afford.
It honestly may be that I am just reading too much into these kinds of things as I have experienced similar so much & I am just trying to make sense of things. Even though the sense I get from them is just meanness.

it’s not been changed?! · May 3, 2022

Keikochan said:
Hi, tbh this sounds so familiar, I can't figure out what to call it, petty & bizarre are goods words though like you said. How do some people have the energy to be like this though
Could she possibly mean it might annoy her friend cos your mum is saying she might buy a similar house nearby her friends old house but wouldn't buy the friends house. With an extra stinger cos this current house is more expensive so she is covertly showing off what she can afford & it is more then her friend could afford.
It honestly may be that I am just reading too much into these kinds of things as I have experienced similar so much & I am just trying to make sense of things. Even though the sense I get from them is just meanness.

Both women are financially well off, both took early retirement. So I don’t think it’s a case of my mum showing off that she could buy a property that is more than the one her friend is buying. She’s just weird. She’s meant to one of her best friends, but she just bitches about her… but will occasionally back peddle and then say things like “… but she does do a lot for me…”

Good Egg · May 4, 2022

Has anybody experienced them causing conflicts between you and your children? I have a good relationship with my own kids but she likes to plant doubt in both our minds about how we are raising our kids or cause arguments? It’s making me ill.
I think I need therapy? Where do I find a decent therapist for myself who has knowledge of this?

Northern northener · May 4, 2022

Good Egg said:
Has anybody experienced them causing conflicts between you and your children? I have a good relationship with my own kids but she likes to plant doubt in both our minds about how we are raising our kids or cause arguments? It’s making me ill.
I think I need therapy? Where do I find a decent therapist for myself who has knowledge of this?

I found a very good therapist via pyschology today website. You go to 'find a therapist' type in your area and see if anyone specializes in narcissistic abuse and cptsd. I also emailed her first to make sure she was well versed in what narc abuse looks like.

Yes. She was always trying to drive a wedge between me and my daughter from the age she could hold a conversation with her. Poor you your mummy is mean, I wish your mummy wouldn't do that, she shouldn't do that. Mummy says no but I will always say yes. You don't have to say thank you to me, silly mummy. I don't care what your mummy says have another biscuit. ....you get the gist.

My biggest shame is not being the grown up there and protect her from this manipulation. She was about 7 or 8 before I drastically reduced contact then pretty much no contact when she was a teenager. I felt awful but it was eventually the right thing to do. After 6 years she still sends cards with a lot of money in it. I wish she wouldn't but it's the same tactic of trying to make me look like the baddy. Thankfully my daughter is grown now and ALL other grand children have cut her off so she gets it. Narcissists use children as weapons and the only way to disarm them is to take the weapon away from them. It's hard though isn't it?

Wophie · May 4, 2022

Good Egg said:
Has anybody experienced them causing conflicts between you and your children? I have a good relationship with my own kids but she likes to plant doubt in both our minds about how we are raising our kids or cause arguments? It’s making me ill.
I think I need therapy? Where do I find a decent therapist for myself who has knowledge of this?

My dad doesn't make an effort with my daughter at all so I haven't found that to be a problem so far. I do worry about what will happen as she gets older/in the future though. She's 2.5 years old and he hasn't seen her (his call) since her first birthday

Sheabutter · May 9, 2022

Today was Mother’s Day here. It was so awkward!! I just wanted to keep my head down and pretend it wasn’t happening. Instead, my mother made a comment that on her birthday and Mother’s Day she shouldn’t have to be the one doing the calling. Lol wat. She’s one to talk. My birthday is the beginning of November and sometime in mid December she decided she wanted to give me a gift. I never expect a gift but if we’re pointing fingers over doing things in a timely fashion

I mean why couldn’t she be born today so I could get this over with in one shot lol. I recovered recently from the yearly damage my parents do on my birthday. They’re both consumed with their birthdays that fall eleven days before my own. My dad travels abroad on my birthday and my mother is normally hating me for not even trying to buy her a gift. The first odd thing I ever noticed about her was that she never appreciated gifts that people gave her. Over the years, I realized it’s a complete waste of money to try and figure her tastes out. The only thing she has from me are old perfumes I tried to get rid of. They remind me of my awkward youth (Ralph by Ralph Lauren and Happy by Clinique). She was never appreciative of the perfumes that my dad bought for her but this teeny-bopper’s cast offs she’s down with?! It creeps me out. Just ffs why can’t she be normal Anyway, sorry, I bet this all sounds whiny and insane. I wish they would just get rid of the day. I’m very much not grateful for the childhood she provided!

Wophie · May 12, 2022

Sheabutter said:
Today was Mother’s Day here. It was so awkward!! I just wanted to keep my head down and pretend it wasn’t happening. Instead, my mother made a comment that on her birthday and Mother’s Day she shouldn’t have to be the one doing the calling. Lol wat. She’s one to talk. My birthday is the beginning of November and sometime in mid December she decided she wanted to give me a gift. I never expect a gift but if we’re pointing fingers over doing things in a timely fashion
I mean why couldn’t she be born today so I could get this over with in one shot lol. I recovered recently from the yearly damage my parents do on my birthday. They’re both consumed with their birthdays that fall eleven days before my own. My dad travels abroad on my birthday and my mother is normally hating me for not even trying to buy her a gift. The first odd thing I ever noticed about her was that she never appreciated gifts that people gave her. Over the years, I realized it’s a complete waste of money to try and figure her tastes out. The only thing she has from me are old perfumes I tried to get rid of. They remind me of my awkward youth (Ralph by Ralph Lauren and Happy by Clinique). She was never appreciative of the perfumes that my dad bought for her but this teeny-bopper’s cast offs she’s down with?! It creeps me out. Just ffs why can’t she be normal Anyway, sorry, I bet this all sounds whiny and insane. I wish they would just get rid of the day. I’m very much not grateful for the childhood she provided!

The ungratefulness with gifts sounds familiar. My dad is the same. For years I would try my hardest to buy something he would like. If I bought clothes, they wouldn't be worn. If I bought books they wouldn't be read. One year I bought a pasta making set with book, cutters etc and we did make pasta together... once before it was shoved on top of the cupboard. A lot of the time I'd buy something and months later see it not even opened shoved under a load of shit in his car boot. The worst ones were a cinema gift bundle - 2x adult tickets, 2x large popcorn and drinks, plus an IOU a night of babysitting my brother (20 year age difference). Never exchanged, again found shoved in the boot of his car. For his 50th I went halves with my sister on a spa day for 2 for him and his wife. Never exchanged. It was really expensive. I could have done with that spa day after the shit he's put me through the last few years especially.

Nothing is good enough for a narcissist, no matter how hard you try.

This year for his birthday he will be lucky if I send him a dog shit in a box, first class signed for delivery of course.

Sheabutter · May 13, 2022

Mother’s Day has triggered my father. He’s been clingy af this week and sent a confrontational message that I’m avoiding him. FFS. He had sent me photos of his deceased mother. I never met her. I feel like a weird vending machine that my parents hit up for emotions.

I’m upset because instead of just coming out with it he asked if it was okay to give away something I own and have been keeping at his. It’s been there maybe a year. He sent that message to get a reaction out of me. I’m so tired.

Sheabutter · May 13, 2022

Sheabutter said:
Mother’s Day has triggered my father. He’s been clingy af this week and sent a confrontational message that I’m avoiding him. FFS. He had sent me photos of his deceased mother. I never met her. I feel like a weird vending machine that my parents hit up for emotions.

I’m upset because instead of just coming out with it he asked if it was okay to give away something I own and have been keeping at his. It’s been there maybe a year. He sent that message to get a reaction out of me. I’m so tired.

Me again, sorry
I feel I need to explain that he has a lovely girlfriend. I have wished so many times she could have been my mom she’s honestly so great. My dad gets jealous though when she goes to see her grandchildren. I can’t help him there. I send him ideas all the time for new things for him to do with his girlfriend and it’s not like I have gone no contact. I just don’t jump to do everything he asks of me. He behaves like we’re living under the same roof. Half the things he wants from me he can search for on Google or YouTube. I know that mostly he’s upset because I didn’t make time to go for lunch with him this week. I’m depressed and I don’t feel up to it right now. I don’t get a lot out of sitting down to a meal with him. He will talk for forty minutes straight and it’s all stories I’ve heard already. It feels like he just wants to be able to tell himself but mostly other people that he spent time with one of his kids.
I’m going no contact for a little while. I have spoken to him on the phone 3x in the last month but he pretends like it’s nothing & that message about giving away my possessions was not the first time he’s done something like that. He’ll send a similar type of message that’s meant to make me worry every few months. I kind of feel like snapping at him because I’m mad at this point. It won’t do anything productive but it does feel nice to acknowledge the impulse.

HitnMiss · May 14, 2022

Don't be sorry @Sheabutter. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think giving yourself some space is a good idea. Take care of you x

Sheabutter · May 14, 2022

HitnMiss said:
Don't be sorry @Sheabutter. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think giving yourself some space is a good idea. Take care of you x

I needed to hear this - thank you

Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

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