Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Chandler Bing]

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry that you have this too and I just cannot get my head around how a father can be so flippant about you coming home covered in bruises. Making light of your illness is just another example of him silencing you or brushing anything you go through under the carpet.

Do you mind me asking how you deal with him?

I moved hundreds of miles away when I was 21, that's how (mid-thirties now)!

We're not close, never have been. He calls me about once a month and mainly talks about the weather etc, it's completely superficial. I never contact him. I see him usually about once a year, twice max, when I visit my old home town but due to Covid it's been 18 months since I've last seen him.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I moved hundreds of miles away when I was 21, that's how (mid-thirties now)!

We're not close, never have been. He calls me about once a month and mainly talks about the weather etc, it's completely superficial. I never contact him. I see him usually about once a year, twice max, when I visit my old home town but due to Covid it's been 18 months since I've last seen him.

Ah that's great you have the distance. I moved to be near my dad when my mum died - big mistake!

 

[Chandler Bing]

Ah that's great you have the distance. I moved to be near my dad when my mum died - big mistake!

Yeah I find that distance helps so much. I don't know how I would cope if I lived locally to him and was expected to see him more often. With so many miles between us there is no expectation.

Would you move further away again?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Yeah I find that distance helps so much. I don't know how I would cope if I lived locally to him and was expected to see him more often. With so many miles between us there is no expectation.

Would you move further away again?

My kids are happy at school and husband happy with his job so I wouldn't move for those reasons. We live opposite ends of town at least and never bump into each other, if I stopped contacting him he'd probably only contact me to ask after the kids anyway.

 

[Chandler Bing]

My kids are happy at school and husband happy with his job so I wouldn't move for those reasons. We live opposite ends of town at least and never bump into each other, if I stopped contacting him he'd probably only contact me to ask after the kids anyway.

Yes fair enough with your family settled its not so easy to leave.

Perhaps just try contacting him a bit less? For your own sanity. I'm always here if you need a chat, I know how hard it is with a dad like that.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Yes fair enough with your family settled its not so easy to leave.

Perhaps just try contacting him a bit less? For your own sanity. I'm always here if you need a chat, I know how hard it is with a dad like that.

Thanks so much

 

[Thank(space)you]

May I ask what it is you are frightened of?

I'm just scared of her. I guess inside I'm still that child who tried desperately to get mum to love her, and to make her happy, to avoid another beating

I don't even think she loves me, but can narcs truly love anyone other than themselves?

I've seen how badly she talks about the family that have cut her out/severely restricted contact. We live in a small town and she knows a lot of people, she can make my name mud and make life very difficult for me.

I'd love to just up and leave and move hundreds of miles away but my ex (daughter's dad) won't let me

 

[Thank(space)you]

Things came to a head last night. Asked my narc mum if she loved me, she refused to answer. Told me she was too busy watching telly. I told her some home truths about herself. Now I feel so guilty, but for the first time in weeks I didn't have nightmares last night

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Things came to a head last night. Asked my narc mum if she loved me, she refused to answer. Told me she was too busy watching telly. I told her some home truths about herself. Now I feel so guilty, but for the first time in weeks I didn't have nightmares last night

I'm sorry you had to go through that last night. Its not your fault, why should you have to even ask that! I'm the same constantly wanting my dads love or even just approval would be nice but we are never going to get it.

Very brave of you to offer some home truths

 

[Icing _on_ the_cake]

Covert narc mum and an enabling Dad.

Moved away for uni at 18 but there's been a few periods where I ended up back there in between jobs. Each time was awful.

I now live quite far away from them. The plus side of that was that I could go several months without seeing them, but the minus side of that is when they did visit it was really full on.

Several years ago I sought therapy out about it. I felt my feelings of anger and hatred towards my mum were my fault and I needed to get them sorted out. What I ended up realising was that my mum was jealous, paranoid, entitled, that she treats my dad in ways that are quite abusive, that she's jealous of weirdly obsessed with me in a sexual way (not SA as far as I'm aware, but always quite creepily intrusive about trying to find out about my sex life).

I'm now trying to maintain a no-contact situation with my mum, but it's difficult because my dad is basically being her 'flying monkey.' He's always guilting me, saying that I'm hurting her and that she's sad and that she can't be all bad, that what happened wasn't really that bad, that I'm to blame as well.

Sometimes when it's not been overtly physical or sexual - and I don't want to demean people who have had very obvious overt abuse because of course that's traumatic - but when it's insidious and covert it's harder to realise what's happened and why you feel the way you do. It's harder to explain to other people because it's lots and lots of little things that build and build. I saw somewhere the phrase of 'death by a thousand paper cuts' and that's what it feels like.

 

[Icing _on_ the_cake]

I think my dad was a narccisist, he died in 2019 and i love and miss him. But the more im thinking about stuff, the more i think he was. I have my own mental health issues- BPD, Bipolar 2, etc etc. And from when i was little everyone used to say how similar me and my dad were, and i hated it! Because he was so moody, and he was absolutely 'the boss', my mum was scared of him and he absolutely controlled everything!! I remember being so scared of him, and he used to joke about how he didnt have to say anything to us all he did was point his finger upstairs and we ran upstairs and were grounded. What he said went and we were not allowed opinions or anything that challenged his way of thinking. I remember my mum had an affair (with his best friend!!) and all i could think about was " i dont blame her and i hope she leaves him and we live a happy life" and i was 12/13 at this time! I was also there when he punched her, and i heard him rape her as well. It was awful.

We all lived walking on egg shells. If he was in a good mood then everyone else HAD to also be in a good mood, and if he was in a bad mood then bloody hell did we know about it! He would always make jokes at our expense, and if we reacted then we would be accused of overreacting. He was so embarrasing as well! Always trying to be the funny one, when really it was just embarrasing. And everything he did, we all had to tell him it was perfect! If we dared say anything other than it was perfect then he would argue and shout. And this went on through out my life! He, i think was secretly dissapointed in me not having the career that he wanted me to have. I did my BA in History and Criminology and i didnt know what to do. He tried to push me into politics but i didnt want to. I decided to do my MA in Social Work and he was really negative about it, even when i got my first social work job he wasnt happy for me!

The other thing i notice on reflection is, he acted like a tough guy with us but he wouldnt say boo to anyone outside of the house! He would be gobby and opiniated with us, but never with anyone outside of the family. So that has made me think he wasnt this strong man that i used to think.

I absolutely think he had mental health issues that had not been diagnosed, and that could explain why i also have mental health issues. But i made a promise to myself and my own children that i would never parent the way he did.

Also i just want to add, if anyone here has been diagnosed with mental health issues; especially Borderline Personality Disorder, then i really hope you dont find the thread upsetting. I myself have BPD, and i have so many brilliant qualities and i know i do the best i can for my children. Also people with BPD have empathy and show remorse, so i do feel like people get BPD confused with other personality disorders. Having BPD doesnt make you a bad person, i actually say its my superpower as i totally own it now

I just wanted to add this due to the talk on the thread about BPD and i dont want anyone getting upset.

Your dad sounds a lot like the dad in the book The Words That Fly Between Us (It's a YA novel about a girl growing up in a home with domestic abuse.)

 

[FriendlyBoa]

Things came to a head last night. Asked my narc mum if she loved me, she refused to answer. Told me she was too busy watching telly. I told her some home truths about herself. Now I feel so guilty, but for the first time in weeks I didn't have nightmares last night

I am so proud of you

 

[Chandler Bing]

Things came to a head last night. Asked my narc mum if she loved me, she refused to answer. Told me she was too busy watching telly. I told her some home truths about herself. Now I feel so guilty, but for the first time in weeks I didn't have nightmares last night

Don't feel guilty! You did nothing wrong. You're so brave

 

[DreamDolly]

It would take far too long to detail just how awful ‘the parents’ were. I grew up in a home without any affection and every slight misdemeanor either real or sometimes imaged by them resulted in extreme violence. I left home at 16 and for revenge my dad killed my dog.
I haven’t seen my dad since 2005 when he publicly ridiculed my 7 stone weight loss at a family event and told everyone I looked ‘a bleeping mess’. I get texts asking me to call and the usual emotional blackmail crap about him being old and sick but I don’t respond.
My mum who was as violent of not more do than my dad, I’ve had an on and off relationship with over the years. She can be very odd with me particularly around achievements. When I get my first degree she accused me of lying about it, and she does a weird thing I can’t explain when I talk about myself or my work, studies etc ... it’s a kind of mmm noise that means she thinks it’s bullshit. The husband thinks I imagine it but I’ve know her 48 years so I think I know what it means by now. I have a rule that I only speak to her once per month and I stick to it.
sometimes I look at other families like my husbands or friends with their own children and I realise that I don’t understand what it is they have. I never experienced a real family so I just don’t get it. Not sure if that makes sense or not but ...

Your story is so sad. I hope you are now in a better space. Have you had an therapy for on going issues linked to your childhood?

 

[Clairer86]

Your dad sounds a lot like the dad in the book The Words That Fly Between Us (It's a YA novel about a girl growing up in a home with domestic abuse.)

I havent heard of that book but i will check it out. Thank you

Just to add- another thing i remember about my dad is how jealous he seemed to be of absolutely everyone! If i ever said i liked a singer, he would automatically say they were tit! And the other thing he used to do was if he ever made /baked something then we were expected to love it and tell him how nice it was. If we ever dared to say it wasnt nice then all hell would play loose. He went through this stage of baking his own bread and it was absolutely disgusting, but because my mum told him it was delicious (i dont see how she found it nice tbh, i think she just told him so he wouldnt kick off) he wouldnt let my mum buy bread from the shops anymore.
The being jealous of everyone else meant i got to the stage i didnt bother to say anything to him because he just seemed so bitter.

He died in September 2020 and my mum misses him like mad, and even now she talks fondly about him and his 'ways' as if they were positive! It takes a lot for me to bite my tongue and not say anything. But i absolutely believe both my mum, and my dad caused some of my own mental health issues. Especially my BPD.

 

[1001 others]

I am really struggling with wanting to tell my elderly, needing help, mother (full-blown narc) to sort herself out as she did to me when I was 17, living in my first flat and so poor I couldn't even afford a loaf of bread (working, but earning next to nothing and most of my pay went towards my rent and bills; she didn't even let me have a spare mattress; I had to sleep on an inflatable air bed for three years and froze every night, despite wearing several layers). But then I think I'll be the bigger person and offer help as I am able to do ... but that's a decision I keep beating myself up over. It's hard!

 

[Lovely_rita]

I emigrated to Australia to get the hell away from my N mother and enabler father. I was always the black sheep of the family. My sister is the hallowed Golden Child and still has a close relationship with them.

In fact, sis has had to move back in with them because she split from her long term partner last year. I strongly suspect her broke up with my sister because he got cold feet about marrying into our family.

They were together a long time, and he put up with my mother for years. He is from a wealthy family, so my social climbing mother used to lick his arse to the point of being creepy. Credit to the guy for dealing with her gracefully.

But my sister was probably talking about marriage and children and he freaked out at the thought of being stuck forever with a crazy witch for a mother in law. And I don't blame him.

I do feel bad for my sister. She will probably struggle to find a man who will put up with my mother enough to marry her. As far as sis is concerned we have an incredible mother and I am just an attention seeking trainwreck. But I have tried to make her see the light, and as she was the Golden Child she rarely saw my mother's vicious and abusive side. Fine. I tried.

I am in a happy relationship with a partner who respects me, his family are lovely and welcomed me into their fold. I have a family for the first time in my life

I will never see my mother again until she is dead, I have vowed that. I will go to the funeral to make sure she is actually gone and can't hurt anyone else ever again, then I will finally feel free of her.

The damage narcissist parents do to children is swept under the rug and often goes unnoticed.

But in a strange way I think I was the lucky one being the Scapegoat. At least I see my mother for who she really is and escaped. My mother has driven away everyone in her life except my dad and sister. And she will need supply so she will turn on them eventually, now I am far away. And it will probably be my sister as N mothers are always jealous of their daughters. Good luck, sis, good luck.

Hugs to all of you here. This is a very supportive thread full of lovely people who were dealt a crappy card for parents. I wish all of you the very best x

 

[Clojo92]

Alcoholic/drug user dad and enabler mother here!

Went NC with dad last summer and partial NC with my mum. I’ve been debating NC with my mum for the last few months though.

Wouldn’t say either parents were narcs, just a toxic home environment and a mother who just allowed it to happen. As soon as I moved out at 21 (as soon as I could) mum wanted to know anything and everything I was doing, which I hate because growing up she never wanted to know as she was too busy dealing with my father. Some stuff is unforgivable, but I can understand why she did some things. I feel stuck in what to do now. I moved far away as I thought I could run away from them but it’s a bit more complicated than that, always is! I’ve been going to therapy for nearly a year now which has been SO helpful but I don’t know what to do with my mum. I feel so guilty sometimes about the boundaries that I’ve put in but then remember what I went through and why I have those boundaries. It’s a never ending cycle!

It’s great to know we are not alone in this. It still feels like such a taboo subject and no one ever understands how we could be estranged from our parents.

 

[lira]

Kind of off topic but how many of you have gone from living with your narc parents to then moving on to a narc partner? I spent 22 years under my dad's regime and now the past 7 years to my husband's. My dad and husband loathe each other by this point, probably because they are similar in many ways. I was completely broken down in the first few years to be built up to become a timid coward who can't say no to him. Why is it that we move on from one painful chapter to another?

 

[FriendlyBoa]

Kind of off topic but how many of you have gone from living with your narc parents to then moving on to a narc partner? I spent 22 years under my dad's regime and now the past 7 years to my husband's. My dad and husband loathe each other by this point, probably because they are similar in many ways. I was completely broken down in the first few years to be built up to become a timid coward who can't say no to him. Why is it that we move on from one painful chapter to another?

I think it is very easy to seek what you already know and transfer that familiarity from a parent to a partner.

It is quite common unfortunately, but with professional help it is a cycle you can break and become empowered from I'm sure xx