Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[no-no]

Thank you. She's end of life and lonely and in pain so I can't completely detach. But it's interfering with my life too much!

Will practise getting my head space back.

Is she living independently?

I think the way you try and deal with the guilt trips is to remind yourself you are your own person and entitled to do what you want, not what is expected of you. You’re usually an extension of them in their eyes so their responses are not normal. It’s easier said than done, I'm currently feeling guilty as my mum assumes I’ll go and sit in hers whenever I have free time. I told her I want to chill in my own home this weekend after a hard week at work. She treats it as being snubbed but doesn’t see how unreasonable (and weird) it is for a grown woman to be expected to spend so much time with their mother.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

This is so relatable to me! Recently had an argument with my dad where I sent a very long message explaining how he makes me feel and in that message mentioned his dog. The only thing he replied with is the part about the dog 'he has a name'. The mind boggles
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My dad is diagnosed with EUPD but my therapist mentioned narc traits too. He has been heavily dependent on me for the past 10 years since my parents marriage broke down. He has a very limited social group due to his behaviours pushing people away. The reliance on me has just grown and grown. Recently I told him I couldn't see him for the next few weeks and he blew up on me. Tried to turn my sister against me, saying really hurtful things such as my late nan that I thought the world of, didn't think much of me. My sister told me this so I confronted him and we had a huge argument. I've asked for an apology before I speak to him again and he isn't willing to give one so he's been giving the silent treatment. Since then I'm riddled with anxiety and low mood. Anxiety as he has no one else and his mental health is so unstable and he has made threats to harm himself. Rationally I know this is all manipulation but I am struggling to manage the emotional side of this. Cant help thinking what if we don't talk before Christmas, do I let him spend it alone, do I buy presents, I feel completely stuck

Just a suggestion, but if he isn’t under your local mental health services it’s worth exploring what options for support they can offer him. Sounds like such a difficult position to ge in, but please remember that how someone else feels/chooses to act is not your responsibility to carry, even if that is a close relative. Sending hugs x

 

[AlwaysSummer]

Thank you, @cee-bee, this is super helpful and I really appreciate your personal experience and feedback. It’s really interesting what you say about noticing manifestations of learned responses from your childhood in your current relationships.

I’ve read up quite a bit and more and more inclined to seek professional support to help me deal with maladaptive responses learned through childhood. On an intellectual level I can see where my triggers are but often I’d go back to responding in an automatic way which then I get frustrated about when I have time to analyse it. I have been trying to take time and give myself space before responding which def works.

I recently read Narcissistic Mothers by Caroline Foster which I found really insightful and it talked a lot about complex PTSD. It’s only a short book, I def recommend it. She describes one of the roles given to children of narc mums as the invisible child which I’ve not come across previously and I felt I’ve had a lightbulb moment as this totally fits my experience.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

Hi everyone,
So me and my mum had a falling out a few weeks ago after she blew up at me over something really stupid- this sounds so pathetic but she literally had a go at me in the supermarket for “pissing her off for being like that” when I was merely standing with a trolley. Apparently I was being inpatient? For merely standing waiting for her to put things in the trolley? Bear in mind, I’m in my thirties, she practically yelled at me in a busy supermarket which was embarrassing enough with people staring at us. It came out of nowhere and was so ridiculous. As a family, we are all under a lot of stress at the moment and I genuinely think it was more a culmination of all that stress but on reflection she does have a habit of taking stress out on me.

I have anxiety and depression so I don’t call her out on it, we just have these arguments and she never apologises. I just let it go and we carry on like it never happened.

Until we had another argument less than a week after trolley gate and now I’ve just reached my limit- it’s literally the straw the has broke the camels back. As a result, I’ve shut myself off. I’ve read about the grey rock technique so I’ve literally shut down. Im not talking to her, I’m keeping out of her way. I’m just completely done. For my own mental health, this has really rocked me. i’m just looking after myself. I’m not bothering anyone, I’m not carrying anything on. I’m just completely done. All she needs to do is apologise but she won’t as she never has. We’ve not spoken for three weeks now.

So now, because I’m not giving her any response she’s been in my brothers ear. So this morning he has now blown up at me for being in a mood and telling me to fuck off and snap out of it. He has no idea what our arguments were about. All she has to do is apologise and we can move on. But then I know that she’ll only apologise in words only and not actually mean it so what’s the point?

Not sure what else to do. Not sure why I’m writing this all here really. I’m determined to stick to grey rocking as she has really upset me but i just don’t know what to do now.

Keep doing what you are doing, preserving your sanity. The grey rock approach is a good way to be (I use it with my mother). Your brother is being used by your mother as a mouthpiece. You are only answerable to yourself. Keep going, lots of people on this thread will have had the same experiences.

 

[screamqueen]

for me it was gradual, which reached a bit of a tipping point.I’m not quite NC but I’m very very low contact. I barley speak or text to them and haven’t seen my narc parents in years.

I knew as a child my dad was “off” and I never bonded with him or had much of a relationship. When I moved to uni I didn’t cut contact conciously, but I was having fun and enjoying for life for the first time, and just never wanted to call or text him. It was like I was just high on this new life without this toxic presence in it. If I had a good relationship with him, id have missed him. But I didn’t. He raged and had a go at me for a while but… I was overseas and he was powerless to do much about it. I think he eventually just accepted that was how it was going to be. He was horrendous to me at my grandfathers funeral and I didn’t talk to him for a year after that. I only spoke to him at my grandmothers insistence. As time has gone on I’ve called and text less and less often, I rarely visit home.

my mother was a lot more covert than my dad. I knew as a child there was something off with her too, but she was much better at hiding it and much, much more manipulative. Her behaviour after the death of a relative a few years ago was the eye opener I needed. I didn’t speak to her for about ayear after it happened but again, a grandparent intervened and begged me to talk to her. (If you go NC or LC be prepared for their enablers - who might be people who are good and who you love - to be weaponised against you.) I rarely go home for visits and I’ll reply to her texts occasionally but rarely answer the phone to her and I’ve got her messages on WhatsApp archived so I can chose if I want to look. Unlike with my dad, I told her why I was reducing contact. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it. She argued with me, gaslit me. As expected, took zero responsibility. She threatened to turn my brother against me.

telling them you’re cutting ties doesn’t really have much of a positive effect IME - it just enrages them and they’ll pull out all their manipulative tactics. They aren’t sad to lose you, it’s just that their ego can’t handle being rejected that way. They’ll never say sorry, never accept your decision. They’ll never accept responsibility for their part in that decision, they will try and force you to change your mind etc etc. There’s just nothing t be gained from telling them.

I dread hearing from her now because when she goes on one of her rants, it still hurts. The unfairness of it hurts bitterly. Similarly, my dad shows favouritism to my siblings (think significant cash gifts while i was left to financial struggle) as a way to hurt me. They *will* try and find a way to hurt you in retaliation.

I don’t speak with them or text them and when I do I Grey rock. I’ll send Christmas/birthday cards to appease them.

I was surprised as how little I miss either of them. I grieve frequently for the parents I never had, and feel like I’ve missed out on that loving relationship. It often makes me feel alone in the world. But I have a new family now - I’m close to my fiancé’s parents, I have solid friendships.

BUT I definitely feel happier and lighter now compared to a few years ago.

the guilt and shame I was subjected to for years, it’s hard to explain but it’s what narcs use to keep you under the thumb and they still use it against me, and it’s still something I have to battle with. I’m constantly reminding myself there’s no shame in cutting off toxic family, that I don’t owe my parents anything. I’ve felt able to open up to other people about how narcissistic my parents are, something I hid for years out of shame, which has been hugely healing for me.

so for me, it was kinda gradual for years but also prompted by an event at the same time. My life has improved since and it’s helped me start to heal.

so in summary, telling them you’re going NC will result in a huge wave of abuse IM. Going LC gradually and then maybe NC will still result in backlash but not at the same level.

I don’t think I couldve managed to go as LC as I have if I didn’t have a good support network, but when you distance yourself and have a chance to gain perspective, the manipulations and abuse because much clearer and it’s the only way to truly heal IMO.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, and I’m so sorry you had such a horrid experience hope you’re doing okay.

Your insight to enablers being weaponised is what I feel has started. I’ve always had a great relationship with her siblings, but they’ve gone completely ghost since April which has surprised me, but also, hasn’t really.

The LC has been a weight lifted that’s for sure, but with Christmas coming up there’s the thought of feeling obliged to send a card as I know the backlash that will occur if I don’t. It was interesting to hear your experience with cards to appease them, so I may take the same approach.

Again, so appreciate your insight and experience so Thankyou again, and take care xx

 

[cee-bee]

I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for your kind words and advice. I don’t really have anyone who I can talk to about it all other than my partner but sometimes I just don’t want to burden him with it. SO wish I had people like you guys in my life.
I asked if she could ask her dad for some help as I’m just a nervous wreck incase his family was to turn up at her house. She said she would and that she doesn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable position. Followed by “But they won’t turn up” “If they turn up, your auntie will be straight round” “Your grandad will be straight round” “My neighbours will be straight out” I don’t understand how after everything I still just feel nothing but guilt

honestly, those feelings of guilt are a common theme on this thread.

growing up having your feelings and experiences invalidated or ignored, it’s not surprising. Putting ourselves first feels selfish, because we’ve been conditioned to think that way. Boundaries feel uncomfortable because we’ve become accustomed to not having them.

the guilt and shame feels horrible but.. we owe it to ourselves to sit through those uncomfortable feelings and do what’s best for ourselves. It’s never selfish to take care of yourself.

 

[cee-bee]

The LC to no contact is where I am now. I’ve decided not to mention things or talk about plans or ideas. You can’t tell them anything. It will be twisted to suit a narrative and used against you.
I just feel so sorry for you. Like me I don’t have much of a support network. I feel totally ‘alone’ even though I’m not alone but I do feel like it’s me against an uncertain scary world. I think they’ve brought me up to be dependent on them. Really unhealthy. I don’t feel very independent or strong.

It’s odd how as a small child I used to see and hear things and think ‘that’s not right/normal’. I guess the innocence could see the wrongs in there “always right”.
I remember an aunt had a baby and I was so excited to see the new baby. The way my NM reacted was as if she’s brought home a disease! I remember thinking “why are you not happy about this!?” It was so odd. I guess it’s my first lightbulb moment. I wasn’t allowed to see my new baby cousin. I thought it was because I was bad or something? It stays with you. Turns out she had a “fancier pram” and NM didn’t like that. She was seething.

When I’m away I feel so free. It’s like I’m a different person. I feel so free. I feel relaxed. I feel calm. I don’t think about NM at all.
I wish you well for the future.

likewise! It’s funny how gut instinct kicks in as a kid. Even though you don’t know why it’s off, you just know it is.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I'm always plagued by the thought that I'm imaging the behaviour of my parents towards me over the years, I've just found a document on my laptop of my birth experience with my youngest. He's 7 this week, so I'm feeling all nostalgic, however its just proved to me that all my thoughts about my parents behaviour are true. But why do I doubt myself when there are these reminders everywhere.

Basically what I was wanting to say is that its bloody hard feeling like you're just not enough, and when I walked away, they didn't stop me, and never did stop me. My heart is breaking all over again, even though I'm no contact I still have to see them, I feel some latent responsibility to go and see them still, and maybe I'm hoping somewhere that they'll be pleased to see me. Quite often i'm not and I'm left destroyed for a few days. I'm visiting my Dad tomorrow, and dreading it.

 

[Nadia Vulvokov]

Apologies this might be long!
Me and my mum have always had an up & down relationship and I think it comes down to the fact we are complete opposites on literally anything. I moved out of the family home aged 22 and it was the best thing for everyone and we actually got along better since then. But in the last few months I’ve really come to the realisation that she has always been selfish, as a child I remember never feeling wanted and never being put first. My emotions/feelings were always belittled and I wasn’t allowed a say in want I wanted. And she only ever does things when it suits her or makes her look good.
I have children now and I think that’s what has made me look back at my own childhood more.
As it’s nearly Mother’s Day there are 2 mothers days that stick out in my mind. The first one I was probably around 8? Some argument had occurred or I had misbehaved/cried (u know like normal 8 year olds!) and she got in my face and tore up the card I’d made her and threw it all in pieces in the bin. I remember feeling SO upset and the time. Another time I must have been a bit older I’d got her a mug for Mother’s Day (bare in mind we weren’t in the financial position for me to get pocket money so I’d saved my Xmas/birthday money to buy something for Mother’s Day) And I heard her later on the phone that day to a friend saying “oh yeah all I got was a lousy mug”..
which brings me to what’s happened today. She came to see me and my children for the day. And I’m sure she tries to get a reaction on purpose? She kept asking my son for a hug and at one point even pretended to cry (wtf) and he clearly said no more than once. So I then politely said he doesn’t have too and he’s said no… in other words don’t try and guilt trip him. She said god what’s with all these rules nowadays I said my children my rules end of.
Then my eldest was having a bit of a tantrum in the kitchen but then I gave him a cuddle and sorted it. Her first comment to him was “have you stopped making all that silly noise now” which I know doesn’t sound like much but I felt like she said it to try and set him off again, and also it’s not a “silly noise” it’s my child expressing emotion (She calls me a snowflake parent because my approach is much more gentle than her own parenting style back in the day lol) She then said she’s leaving as she feels like she can’t say anything in my home and walked out with saying bye to them causing upset. She also left her Mother’s Day card (for tomorrow) on the table. I’m now the one sat here feeling terrible and that I should’ve stayed quiet and that maybe I’m too sensitive

That sounds tough, sorry you've had a rough day but you did the right thing sticking to your guns. You shouldn't feel bad as hard as I know it is, as they get under your skin. Have you any nice plans for tomorrow? What about this evening? Have a glass of wine and some nice food, put your feet up and celebrate being a kind, gentle mother and you are most definitely not a snowflake! I hate that expression it's just a passive aggressive way of saying someone is weak and it's shitty.
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My mother has never cared about mothers day or expected a card or anything. I've not spoken to her for the last few weeks as she's gone too far in a text message and really upset me, and I thought that no reaction was the best plan.
I'll be happy when it's all over, I can't stand all the adverts and everything.
Do you absolutely have to meet her tomorrow, can you feign illness or that you are too busy? Easy for me to say when I'm here feeling so guilty, will she be outraged if you don't get her a card, gift and see her?

Last time I saw my mum in person, she stayed over for Christmas and I had to demand that she went home early as she was causing that much stress and had taken over the entire house. As a result she's barely spoken to me since. I got her lots of Christmas presents and she didn't get me anything and not even a card for my birthday earlier this year. I'm done with setting myself on fire to keep her warm.

I won't get away with not seeing her now without her having a full blown tantrum. She's in full controlling mode. My sister (who gets as much shit as I do and we stick together so have each other) has had covid, so has my niece, but we are all being summoned! I've had texts and missed calls about it today. I'll play the daughter role tomorrow and this afternoon I'm having my own mini mother's day. How soon can I open the wine

 

[HitnMiss]

Thank you for saying that! I do think he is deeply unhappy or at the very least, frustrated with his own life, and I have compassion for that. I know he's a hard worker whose life just hasn't turned out the way he wanted and now that he's in his 60s, he is unlikely to get there. It's just hard to walk away even though I know it's the logical thing to do. I think the fact that I don't usually live near him helps a lot. When I come home during the holidays for short periods of time, he can actually be quite pleasant. But we decided to live near family as a result of the pandemic and it's been a dreadful experience with him moaning and yelling constantly. I worry the most for my mum, who lives with him and am afraid has to deal with the brunt of his negativity.


Thank you for your kindness and insight! That definitely describes my father to a T! To be clear, we don't care if he's the most successful or rich man on the block, but it's been made very clear to us all that he had a different vision for how his professional life should've turned out and he's quite


I'm so sorry to hear that. In what world is that kind of behaviour acceptable? Is your mother enabling this, because she should say something! Although if she's a narc like you've mentioned previously, I'm not sure if she'd be able to do something about it, at least not in a way that's fair to you.

Yep she's enabling him, she's always been his enabler. It's not acceptable behaviour at all. I wish I didn't have to deal with this again.

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

With golden child sibling, it's been mostly a painful relationship as she's so blind to the ignoring / neglect I get vs her enmeshed relationship with my mum. My folks are getting more needier with her now in their old age, and I know it frustrates her. She defaults to my mother's opinion / beliefs on things in her own life in a way that is so foreign and weird to me. "I could never do X, mum would kill me" kind of thing. "Mum said this, mom would love that" and she's well into her 30s now. She also says "MY mom" when she's in conversation with me, her sister, regularly which I find quite telling. She talks to my mom constantly, sees her multiple times a week, goes to her for advice etc. I can go months without hearing from the same mother.

As I get older I can appreciate that her relationship with them is equally emotionally neglectful and she's not a happy woman, is a serial monogamist that can't be alone for 5 minutes and is probably BPD. She's struggled to maintain relationships and goes from idolising people to discarding them. I've fallen into this pattern with her and been cut out by her for months at a time for arbitrary reasons. Like my mother she's never at fault, others are jealous of her or inferior to her if things go wrong in relationships, there's little self reflection.

I know she's been doing therapy in recent years so am hopeful someday she'll see things as they are and not as she's been brainwashed to see them. I've given up on talking about our childhood with her though as the triangulation, gossiping and smear campaigns are bad for my health.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

@lime, sorry you are going through this seemingly with next to no opportunity to discuss with the people who are meant to be closest to you. It seems your mum and brother are so preoccupied with their own lives, they are not ready to hear you out. This must feel so hard to live with while worrying about bumping into your dad. For what it’s worth you come across as a thoughtful, kind and lovely person. Sending hugs x

 

[Maid22]

I've just tried reaching out to an old 'friend' who knows the background to my life, they're too busy, they'll maybe catch up with me end of the week, why do I bother

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My dad put a note through my door at lunchtime which is TELLING me to sign something meaning I have power over his will if he becomes mentally incapacitated. He wrote that I MUST sign it in black ink and that he will collect when ive signed it. My dad is mentally absolutely fine apart from being a completed control freak obvs. I'm literally trembling which is the effect he has on me.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I've been ruminating on this overnight. I'm at the end of my narcissistic parent relationship as my mother died in July aged 77. I'm 50 now. All I can say is that things never got any better. In fact things got progressively worse over time. For many years I continued to fool myself that things might change and she would quit it with the toxic behaviour, particularly during key events. When my first child was born I ignored my instincts and believed having a grandchild would change things dramatically. This is despite the fact when I announced I was pregnant, my child was repeatedly referred to as "this baby" and when I told her what his name would be she made a crass joke about the name. That should have told me everything I needed to know. I should have trusted my instincts. The reality was she went into one of her massive narc rages less than 24 hours after he was born and made an absolute scene. I couldn’t even attempt to list all the terrible things that happened, I'd be here forever, but I can say that even in her death, she remained resolutely vile. In the last week or so, she wrote lots of little nasty notes, mostly about my husband who had been nothing but tolerant and kind to her, particularly given he had absolutely no requirement to do so. I found them amongst her belongings at the nursing home. I guess I thought that if someone's life is literally ebbing away, they would want to put aside any grievances they had and make amends, but no. She became more and more embittered.
I sincerely hope everyone on here is able to find peace, whether that’s by building a health relationship or by setting themselves free of them. Just trust your instincts.

My sympathies to you. My mother has terminal cancer. I am trying to do “the next right thing “. She hasn’t changed one little bit, still bitter and taking every opportunity to make nasty remarks. Leopards can’t change their spots . This site is a great place for support.

 

[Nonah]

I had lots of talking therapy which helped me work through a lot of issues with my parents. I actually started going after the death of my MIL because I missed so much having a mother in my life. My therapist was great and I was with her for over 18 months. I completely recommend therapy to air and organise all your thoughts and feelings.

 

[Definitely Maybe]

@Mollywobbles it IS abuse, emotional abuse, and can be more damaging than physical abuse .

 

[ItsDatCuw]

So bit of a weird one but does anyone else’s mother triangulate (?) you with her dog??

To give some context, my mother has always used one of her children against the other. So for example, she would “boast” about my sister to me in a deliberately comparative and smug way, and then she would do the exact same thing (about me) to my sister. She would make us believe that the other child was the golden child and we’d actually end up resenting each other because each of us believed that the other was being treated better than us, except it was all false and orchestrated. My mother did this for years and seemed to enjoy - with a smirk - seeing us “jealous” of each other. When I started studying at uni, she said “I’m going to tell your sister that you’re actually lecturing there and have your own office!” (all lies). She also used to do this with my dad - she would put him down constantly and her goal seemed to be to make it obvious to him that she preferred her children. So my dad and I would be talking happily and she’d interrupt him and say, for instance: “ItsDatCuw doesn’t want to hear your crap. Apologise to her for talking such rubbish.”

Ever since my dad passed away three years ago, she’s been doing exactly this to me with that same intensity…except the other “golden” party is now her dog. So it’s the constant and very obvious/dramatic ways of letting me know that the dog is her favourite and her priority. Since I was offered a job at uni, she’s gotten worse. At first, she was all “proud” (for her own benefit obviously) and acting almost high, but a couple of days later she started being extremely cool with me and starting making a huge effort to praise the dog while I was there. So it’s (in a dull tone with a sigh): “Oh hi ItsDatCuw”, and immediately afterwards (in a happy tone to the dog): “Hello my boy! Hello baaaaaaaaby! (If he’s in the next room) I’ll be with you in a minute, love. Good boooooy! Who’s the best boy? Who’s mammy’s favourite? Lovely doggyyyyyyy.”

She will also say to me at random:

“I didn’t get you a birthday present because I had to get one for the dog. I LOVE that dog!”

“Sometimes I call him BABY!”

“If anything happened to him, I’d be LOST!”

“He (the dog) was your dad’s favourite child!”

The funny thing is that before my dad passed, she’d barely acknowledge the dog at all. It’s as though she needs two victims at all times: one to devalue and one to use to make the devaluation of the other seem worse? Wtf? It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic and weird.

 

[AlwaysSummer]

Right I would like to post as a parent having just fallen out with our daughter.
History hubby was an alcoholic ( 16 years dry now ) and both my kids did not have a great upbringing ( I tried as hard as I could but should have ended the marriage and walked away )
Our son got a scholarship and went to a private school which did cost us quite a bit. We never considered it for our daughter ( a decision I deeply regret ) and it was the start of things going down hill with our finances and our ability to treat our children fairly
Daughter has dyslexia ( late diagnosis ) and recently diagnosed with adhd. She has built a cleaning company of which we are very proud and lives in a beautiful large home with her husband and 7 year old daughter. We have always helped with the grandaughter as our son lives 4 hours away with his wife and 2 children and we only occasionally are called there for babysitting duties.
Hubby is always boasting about sons education even though he knows it upsets her and that’s what led to todays row. He walks their dogs every day and she’s told us to stay away for now. She’s in therapy and I realise her therapist has been trying to help with her problems. I know my hubby is a narcissist and am not sure about me.
I’ve always worked hard and over the last 10 years managed to pay off all our debts and mortgage. My health is not great and I’m waiting a shoulder replacement and have severe anxiety since the menopause and can’t seem to get help.
I have been trying recently to leave my daughter and her family in peace but hubby insists on going there twice a day to walk the dogs and see out grandaughter. Daughter is now talking about moving away as I know she doesn’t want to be responsible for us in our old age ( as I was for my parents for 10 years and it took a toll on me mentally and physically)
Maybe distance from us is what is needed as I told her I love her and want the best for her
Also I do her payroll and tax for her business but that can all be done over the phone
Am I a narcissist ? I know I didn’t treat her as well as I should have in the past

Bless you- your distress comes across strongly. For all it’s worth you do not sound remotely like a person who is a narc. The fact you are able to weigh up how you could have possibly disadvantaged or mistreated your daughter, even without meaning to, is something a narc is simply unable to do. Even questioning you could possible be a narc is a sign your are most likely not one. Sending hugs and hope your family situation improves.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I've just found this thread, and I'm so glad. My friends are incredibly support, but they have healthy and stable relationships with their parents, so they don't understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. I believe she's a communal narcissist; I could be wrong about that, but she's definitely a narcissist nevertheless.

My mum is disabled, so I always feel conflicted and broken as she heavily relies on me.

This happened earlier; it's not necessarily a major thing, but I think it shows that no matter what, she believes she can never do anything wrong. She can never mistakes, and everything is always my fault

Her car's MOT test was originally booked to take place 2 weeks ago, to allow adequate time for faults to be rectified before its expiration tomorrow. And just because it's best to get it done as early as possible. Mum decided to cancel it as an extended family member passed away, so she decided to support the family etc. It was blatantly obvious she supported them purely so she could make herself look good. I hadn't realised until last week that she had cancelled the test, so I rebooked it. Many places in our area are fully booked until October, luckily the council's MOT centre just about managed to squeeze it in for this morning. The car failed its MOT. That centre don't do the work required, so it has to be taken elsewhere and brought back for a retest within 10 working days.

She's struggling to find a garage with availability for that timeframe. If she can't tShe is adamant that it's all my fault, and that the centre's standards are unachievable as it's linked to the council, so it would've passed if she took it elsewhere. That's blatantly false - MOT pass standards are set by the UK government. She will not accept that she doesn't do basic maintenance on her vehicle, that she would've had plenty of time to get it sorted if she made it a priority and hadn't stupidly cancelled. She keeps going on about how I'm such a selfish bitch as she can't use her car until the defects have been sorted and re-tested. And that I'll be responsible for paying as I've caused such an inconvenience, She's just awful. I can't win. If I hadn't rebooked the test, she would've got fined for driving without a valid MOT, and she would've blamed me for not sorting it out. I would've been damned either way.

I'm sorry for rambling. This post ispathetic, I'm probably being a pussy over such a minor issue . I just needed to let it all out, and I'm tired of not being believed. I haven't even scratched the surface with what she's like. She's hellbent on turning my boyfriend against me, but that's a story for another time...

Your post is not pathetic. Your mother sounds manipulative and nasty towards you. Can you let her get on with sorting out the car problems herself? Being disabled is not a free pass to treating you like dirt!