Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[NotAgain?]

Hi, I've lurked on here a while. It sounds like I have similar issues going on to you guys. I'm not going to add to it as you've all described things way better than I could. Sorry you're all going through it. It's such a burden.

I have found a book, "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Dr Lindsey Gibson, very helpful in explaining a lot of these issues. When you can see its just their personality problems and they aren't unique (theres millions of nutty parents all acting out in similar ways), it hurts a bit less IMO.

Good luck everyone today who's on visiting duties or being visited. Hope it's not too awful and draining.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

I’m a week in to barely talking with my mother after she went off at me on Good Friday over me merely proving that she was wrong about something. It was an innocuous tiff where I was able to prove that she was wrong about something really ridiculous. Then it turned into me apparently disrespecting her because whilst she was ranting at me, I was driving and told her to shut up because I needed to concentrate. I accept that I shouldn’t have said that but I was that taken aback my legs were physically shaking, I felt shaky and I just wanted her to stop so we could get home.

She then said that I’d ruined what was a nice day, how manipulative I am, pointing out all the things she knows I am depressed about. (I have severe social anxiety and depression), gaslight and accused me of doing all things that I hadn’t even done.

Next day, she comes to me and says “come on” to try and resolve the issue and make peace with me. No apologies over what she said. No acceptance that she was wrong. No sorry for saying all the things she knows really really hurt me. I apologised for telling her to shut up. Then asked her simply- do you accept you were wrong? I could have let it go but one of my main issues every time we argue is that she has no accountability for her role. “No because I don’t care”. I don’t care about it either but it’s the narcissism for never saying sorry for the most stupidest of things that I can’t move on from. So I asked her to please leave me alone as I don’t want to argue with her. I’m just done. I don’t have the energy or the headspace for it. She refused and then went off at me again. This time saying “let’s pretend we like each other” which again has really really upset me. She’s my mum- I bloody love her but for her to say that to me has just killed me.

Not sure why I’m putting this here really. Part of me is questioning whether I’m overreacting and should have just made peace when she told me to “come on” but then I don’t think I am? I think the reason it’s upset me so much is that I accessed CBT therapy to help my anxiety and depression and one of the main things I learnt from it was “would a person who cared for you say all of the negative things you think about yourself? Well, my own mother directly said all the things I’m insecure about directly to my face and clearly believes them to be true of me so it’s just affirmed everything I think about myself. I don’t think I can come back from that.

Latest update- I’m now being passive aggressively told that her blood pressure is sky high. Said to my brother whilst making sure I was in earshot. Is this a manipulation tactic? I just ignored it.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Latest update- I’m now being passive aggressively told that her blood pressure is sky high. Said to my brother whilst making sure I was in earshot. Is this a manipulation tactic? I just ignored it.

Oh god, I'm so angry for you! They're so pathetic (not just your mum but my family too). Sending hugs

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Oh god, I'm so angry for you! They're so pathetic (not just your mum but my family too). Sending hugs

Thanks. It’s just so manipulative, trying to guilt trip me into breaking this argument and to use her health and my brother to do it. To be fair, he ignored her too and is staying out of this which I appreciate. It’s like a week has passed and now she knows that she’s gone too far with me so this is the next line of action to get me to back down. So weird though, the longer it goes on the more in control I feel sticking to my guns whilst she’s trying to get a reaction from me. If you were not feeling crappy about this, then you why would you be using these tactics on me?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thanks. It’s just so manipulative, trying to guilt trip me into breaking this argument and to use her health and my brother to do it. To be fair, he ignored her too and is staying out of this which I appreciate. It’s like a week has passed and now she knows that she’s gone too far with me so this is the next line of action to get me to back down. So weird though, the longer it goes on the more in control I feel sticking to my guns whilst she’s trying to get a reaction from me. If you were not feeling crappy about this, then you why would you be using these tactics on me?

Yes stick to your guns. In my experience they try everything to get control back though. I know you can't move out at the moment but is there any way you can put a plan in place to leave? Even if it's a 5 year plan or something.

 

[Drea1984]

I feel so down about my family.
Just like I was at the back of the line when they were giving out family.
My mum was the only good one and she has passed.
It’s so hard when everyone I know seems to have a loving & present family.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I can't do it anymore, I can't hear the stories and lies that I stupidly believed that my dad has told me. I've been so gullible and naive and spent years in therapy over things that weren't even true. He's still doing it now, today on the phone, to the point I nearly raised a safeguarding against his care home. What does he achieve??

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hi all. Its my teenage daughter's birthday next week and she will no doubt receive a card and money from a particular flying monkey (my auntie) that I have issue with.

For context, my gran left me some money in her will but my auntie who is executor and had control over my gran's bank account has kept all of the money.

Should I send the card back or chuck it in the bin? In the past I have let my children have the cards and money but she's crossed the line now and I'm still very raw and angry.

 

[griftalo]

Hi all. Its my teenage daughter's birthday next week and she will no doubt receive a card and money from a particular flying monkey (my auntie) that I have issue with.

For context, my gran left me some money in her will but my auntie who is executor and had control over my gran's bank account has kept all of the money.

Should I send the card back or chuck it in the bin? In the past I have let my children have the cards and money but she's crossed the line now and I'm still very raw and angry.

Is there some place to report this to? I know my mum forged my grandma’s will so everything went to her, but I couldn’t prove it. But if you have the will and no evidence of money isn’t there some regulation? And I’m sorry. She sucks.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Is there some place to report this to? I know my mum forged my grandma’s will so everything went to her, but I couldn’t prove it. But if you have the will and no evidence of money isn’t there some regulation? And I’m sorry. She sucks.

I think the only way is to contact a solicitor for myself which I don't know if I can afford to do.

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I think the only way is to contact a solicitor for myself which I don't know if I can afford to do.

Try the Citizens Advice Bureau, they may be able to help.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Try the Citizens Advice Bureau, they may be able to help.

I've just filled in their online form.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I've just filled in their online form.

I've just contacted a solicitor too

 

[Readingismyhobby]

I have found a very helpful podcast called “In sight - exposing narcissism” by Katie McKenna & Helen Villiers.
I find it difficult to listen to at times because it’s very relevant to my experience. But I have found it very helpful. They are on instagram as well.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

So an update on my auntie keeping my share of my gran's will after she tried to get my narc dad to pressure me to waive my share so that she can keep 100% of it:

Citizen's advice were very nice but I'm not entitled to any sort of legal aid so the only thing is to contact solicitor. Spoke to solicitor's secretary today and they said they will give me a call back by the end of the week with a plan and the cost. Not sure whether I'll be able to afford any of it so I guess I'm no further ahead really.

 

[klarakluckbag]

So an update on my auntie keeping my share of my gran's will after she tried to get my narc dad to pressure me to waive my share so that she can keep 100% of it:

Citizen's advice were very nice but I'm not entitled to any sort of legal aid so the only thing is to contact solicitor. Spoke to solicitor's secretary today and they said they will give me a call back by the end of the week with a plan and the cost. Not sure whether I'll be able to afford any of it so I guess I'm no further ahead really.

@Rodneytrotter ...are you aware of the "Death" board on the MSE website? You'll get free advice, there are often some very helpful posters on there.

Deaths, funerals & probate

Get MoneySaving help at the time of bereavement - discuss wills, inheritance tax, estate planning and more.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com

Have you got a copy of the will? I believe that you can search online to see if probate has been granted...

Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

Search online for a will, grant of representation or probate document for a death in or after 1858

www.gov.uk

I do hope that you are able to fight this and get what is rightfully yours, as intended by your gran.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

@Rodneytrotter ...are you aware of the "Death" board on the MSE website? You'll get free advice, there are often some very helpful posters on there.

Deaths, funerals & probate

Get MoneySaving help at the time of bereavement - discuss wills, inheritance tax, estate planning and more.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com

Have you got a copy of the will? I believe that you can search online to see if probate has been granted...

Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

Search online for a will, grant of representation or probate document for a death in or after 1858

www.gov.uk

I do hope that you are able to fight this and get what is rightfully yours, as intended by your gran.

Ah thank you yes I have a copy of the will and probate was granted in December. It was a few weeks ago I was asked to waive my share so that she could have it all. I have spoken to a solicitor today, they said they will get back to me and let me know a plan and how much it will cost.