Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

TheGlossy · Sep 5, 2023

TheGlossy said:
I’m so hurt today. I honestly cannot believe this.

I already posted on here about the headache my mother has put us through over my dad’s probate. She has 5K tied and has been creating drama since last year over this (refusing to sign mandatory paperwork, asking to change notaries, asking to pay no fees etc).

In an attempt to close this nonsense, I voluntarily suggested that I would pay the 1K notary fee (despite the fact I’ve already spent 1K in travel and previous fees related to this matter). I need to emphasize I’m not getting a penny from this probate. It’s all a write-off for me.

She said she’d think about it (which I knew would lead to her accepting). She came back yesterday saying ‘I am happy with you paying the notary fees as I have the property tax coming up and I still need to refund your brother for the expenses he incurred for your dad’s funeral’.

The 1K was meant to be deducted from the 5K currently tied in probate.

I saw this and my heart sank. My brother is 28 lives under her roof and has no responsibilities! He paid 1K for my dad’s funeral out of pocket, no debt created. Why on God’s green earth does he need to be refunded? It’s what people do when someone die

I cannot believe she’s taking advantage of a very generous offer to benefit my brother.

My brother may have payed 1K for the funeral, but hasn’t done anything since. I’ve incurred at least 4K in travel, administrative and various expenses to help them out since my dad died. Has she ever suggested to reimburse me? Never!!!

I have my own bills and responsibilities to take care of and she couldn’t even acknowledge that. Granted, I made the offer, but it wasn’t for this purpose. I’m speechless this is her response.

I’m speechless a parent would even say something like this. When I had groceries delivered to their house last year, she said ‘it alleviated a burden from my brother as he doesn’t have go to the shop’.

Last year, she claimed she couldn’t pay 80 quid of taxes, so I paid it only for me to find out she had the means to the extent where she even gave my brother a monthly allowance.

Everything I did to help this, she saw as an opportunity for one of my siblings. I was estranged from her for 6 years for a reason and now I’m damning the day I re-allowed her into my life.

Thank you everyone for the kind advice on this matter.

I feel absolutely foolish to have made this offer. Not only did it give them an insight into my financial health, but I also am subjecting myself to voluntarily allowing her to take advantage of me.

This is the same family who did not wish me a happy birthday when my birthday came around last year. After all I’d done for them after my dad died. Not one person texted or emailed me. When I confronted her about it, she said ‘I’m illeterate, I don’t know when your birthday is’.

Right. She sure didn’t forget my brother’s birthday a few months prior.

She wants to refund my brother for my dad’s funeral. If they truly valued my dad, they wouldn’t be engaging in such transactional talks. Paying for a close relative funeral’s is part of what families do. It’s such a disgraceful conversation to even have which goes to shoe their hearts aren’t in the right place.

I didn’t always agree with my dad but if I’d paid for his funeral, I would have seen it as a sign of respect and love because he was our dad. I’d never ask nor expect a penny back as a grown adult no matter what my personal circumstances looked like.

I honestly refuse for my gesture to be dragged into this nonsense.

It reminds me of when they were dead poor and after I had finished college, I couldn’t find a job. I was under their roof for a few months then, being treated like dirt by my mother. I didn’t have a penny to my name and only 20 quid left in cash. It was my baby sister’s 10th birthday and they couldn’t afford as much as a pack of sweets. I used my last 20 quid to buy her a small cake and candles because I didn’t want her to be sad on her birthday. I ended up with nothing in my wallet and bank account at the time with no job in sight then. It wasn’t my responsibility to buy that cake, but I did and never thought of it twice even thought that money could have paid for a bus ticket to go to an job interview or something.

This is the type of person I am. I’m not saying this to make it sound like I’m this amazing person, but just to show my mindset vs theirs.

They (except for the sister whose birthday I mentioned) all feel like strangers to me.
---
I forgot to write - I really appreciate all the advice and support. It really means a lot to be understood

Chandler Bing · Sep 6, 2023

Rose28454 said:
Right I would like to post as a parent having just fallen out with our daughter.
History hubby was an alcoholic ( 16 years dry now ) and both my kids did not have a great upbringing ( I tried as hard as I could but should have ended the marriage and walked away )
Our son got a scholarship and went to a private school which did cost us quite a bit. We never considered it for our daughter ( a decision I deeply regret ) and it was the start of things going down hill with our finances and our ability to treat our children fairly
Daughter has dyslexia ( late diagnosis ) and recently diagnosed with adhd. She has built a cleaning company of which we are very proud and lives in a beautiful large home with her husband and 7 year old daughter. We have always helped with the grandaughter as our son lives 4 hours away with his wife and 2 children and we only occasionally are called there for babysitting duties.
Hubby is always boasting about sons education even though he knows it upsets her and that’s what led to todays row. He walks their dogs every day and she’s told us to stay away for now. She’s in therapy and I realise her therapist has been trying to help with her problems. I know my hubby is a narcissist and am not sure about me.
I’ve always worked hard and over the last 10 years managed to pay off all our debts and mortgage. My health is not great and I’m waiting a shoulder replacement and have severe anxiety since the menopause and can’t seem to get help.
I have been trying recently to leave my daughter and her family in peace but hubby insists on going there twice a day to walk the dogs and see out grandaughter. Daughter is now talking about moving away as I know she doesn’t want to be responsible for us in our old age ( as I was for my parents for 10 years and it took a toll on me mentally and physically)
Maybe distance from us is what is needed as I told her I love her and want the best for her
Also I do her payroll and tax for her business but that can all be done over the phone
Am I a narcissist ? I know I didn’t treat her as well as I should have in the past

You're not a narc (you wouldn't be asking the question if you were), but you are an enabler. You are also a martyr and you talk about money an awful lot (a common weapon used against adult children of narcs and abusers). Really you came to the wrong place if you expected any sympathy for you instead of your daughter.

TaurusWithLove · Sep 6, 2023

I've just found this thread, and I'm so glad. My friends are incredibly support, but they have healthy and stable relationships with their parents, so they don't understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. I believe she's a communal narcissist; I could be wrong about that, but she's definitely a narcissist nevertheless.

My mum is disabled, so I always feel conflicted and broken as she heavily relies on me.

This happened earlier; it's not necessarily a major thing, but I think it shows that no matter what, she believes she can never do anything wrong. She can never mistakes, and everything is always my fault

Her car's MOT test was originally booked to take place 2 weeks ago, to allow adequate time for faults to be rectified before its expiration tomorrow. And just because it's best to get it done as early as possible. Mum decided to cancel it as an extended family member passed away, so she decided to support the family etc. It was blatantly obvious she supported them purely so she could make herself look good. I hadn't realised until last week that she had cancelled the test, so I rebooked it. Many places in our area are fully booked until October, luckily the council's MOT centre just about managed to squeeze it in for this morning. The car failed its MOT. That centre don't do the work required, so it has to be taken elsewhere and brought back for a retest within 10 working days.

She's struggling to find a garage with availability for that timeframe. If she can't tShe is adamant that it's all my fault, and that the centre's standards are unachievable as it's linked to the council, so it would've passed if she took it elsewhere. That's blatantly false - MOT pass standards are set by the UK government. She will not accept that she doesn't do basic maintenance on her vehicle, that she would've had plenty of time to get it sorted if she made it a priority and hadn't stupidly cancelled. She keeps going on about how I'm such a selfish bitch as she can't use her car until the defects have been sorted and re-tested. And that I'll be responsible for paying as I've caused such an inconvenience, She's just awful. I can't win. If I hadn't rebooked the test, she would've got fined for driving without a valid MOT, and she would've blamed me for not sorting it out. I would've been damned either way.

I'm sorry for rambling. This post ispathetic, I'm probably being a pussy over such a minor issue . I just needed to let it all out, and I'm tired of not being believed. I haven't even scratched the surface with what she's like. She's hellbent on turning my boyfriend against me, but that's a story for another time...

Rodneytrotter · Sep 6, 2023

TaurusWithLove said:
I've just found this thread, and I'm so glad. My friends are incredibly support, but they have healthy and stable relationships with their parents, so they don't understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. I believe she's a communal narcissist; I could be wrong about that, but she's definitely a narcissist nevertheless.

My mum is disabled, so I always feel conflicted and broken as she heavily relies on me.

This happened earlier; it's not necessarily a major thing, but I think it shows that no matter what, she believes she can never do anything wrong. She can never mistakes, and everything is always my fault

Her car's MOT test was originally booked to take place 2 weeks ago, to allow adequate time for faults to be rectified before its expiration tomorrow. And just because it's best to get it done as early as possible. Mum decided to cancel it as an extended family member passed away, so she decided to support the family etc. It was blatantly obvious she supported them purely so she could make herself look good. I hadn't realised until last week that she had cancelled the test, so I rebooked it. Many places in our area are fully booked until October, luckily the council's MOT centre just about managed to squeeze it in for this morning. The car failed its MOT. That centre don't do the work required, so it has to be taken elsewhere and brought back for a retest within 10 working days.

She's struggling to find a garage with availability for that timeframe. If she can't tShe is adamant that it's all my fault, and that the centre's standards are unachievable as it's linked to the council, so it would've passed if she took it elsewhere. That's blatantly false - MOT pass standards are set by the UK government. She will not accept that she doesn't do basic maintenance on her vehicle, that she would've had plenty of time to get it sorted if she made it a priority and hadn't stupidly cancelled. She keeps going on about how I'm such a selfish bitch as she can't use her car until the defects have been sorted and re-tested. And that I'll be responsible for paying as I've caused such an inconvenience, She's just awful. I can't win. If I hadn't rebooked the test, she would've got fined for driving without a valid MOT, and she would've blamed me for not sorting it out. I would've been damned either way.

I'm sorry for rambling. This post ispathetic, I'm probably being a pussy over such a minor issue . I just needed to let it all out, and I'm tired of not being believed. I haven't even scratched the surface with what she's like. She's hellbent on turning my boyfriend against me, but that's a story for another time...

Youre not being silly at all. You try to help and still end up being the bad guy

I think part of the problem is that as isolated incidents they do seem minor but when you add everything up it's pretty major. Someone on here said to me that it's like death by 1000 cuts and I think that might ring true for you aswell?

Rose28454 · Sep 6, 2023

Chandler Bing said:
You're not a narc (you wouldn't be asking the question if you were), but you are an enabler. You are also a martyr and you talk about money an awful lot (a common weapon used against adult children of narcs and abusers). Really you came to the wrong place if you expected any sympathy for you instead of your daughter.

Wow that was nasty and I didn’t come to this thread looking for sympathy just sone answers. I am fully aware I am an enabler having stayed with an alcoholic so long. Fully aware I come accress as a martyr that’s what being the child of catholic parents does to you
Anyway my daughter and I had a long chat and a few tears today and have come to some understandings for the future

Rodneytrotter · Sep 7, 2023

Rose28454 said:
Wow that was nasty and I didn’t come to this thread looking for sympathy just sone answers. I am fully aware I am an enabler having stayed with an alcoholic so long. Fully aware I come accress as a martyr that’s what being the child of catholic parents does to you
Anyway my daughter and I had a long chat and a few tears today and have come to some understandings for the future

I wasn't going to comment on your post as I believe in scrolling past if I don't like something and also I dont particularly like confrontation even if it's online.... But when I saw this response i felt i need to say that it's not really fair to call @Chandler Bing nasty, they are a very supportive member of this thread and to be honest what you've said could be quite triggering to members on here. This thread has always been a safe space for those of us with immature/ narc/ abusive parents.

You've come to this thread and stated that you are having a difficult time with your daughter whilst blaming your husband and now your Catholic parents. At the same time you list the things that you do for your daughter for example completing her books, walking the dogs etc. Personally I am used to having 'after all I've done for you' thrown in my face every time I attempt to stand up for myself or even have a mind of my own. You seem more bothered about whether you are a narc or not which is irrelevant as your daughter obviously still has issue with you whatever your label.

I don't wish to discuss your situation or have a back and forth, but I'm wondering if maybe you'd be better of with a thread for parents who are having a difficult time with their adult children? You might find like minded people and advice more suited to your situation.

Rose28454 · Sep 7, 2023

Rodneytrotter said:
I wasn't going to comment on your post as I believe in scrolling past if I don't like something and also I dont particularly like confrontation even if it's online.... But when I saw this response i felt i need to say that it's not really fair to call @Chandler Bing nasty, they are a very supportive member of this thread and to be honest what you've said could be quite triggering to members on here. This thread has always been a safe space for those of us with immature/ narc/ abusive parents.

You've come to this thread and stated that you are having a difficult time with your daughter whilst blaming your husband and now your Catholic parents. At the same time you list the things that you do for your daughter for example completing her books, walking the dogs etc. Personally I am used to having 'after all I've done for you' thrown in my face every time I attempt to stand up for myself or even have a mind of my own. You seem more bothered about whether you are a narc or not which is irrelevant as your daughter obviously still has issue with you whatever your label.

I don't wish to discuss your situation or have a back and forth, but I'm wondering if maybe you'd be better of with a thread for parents who are having a difficult time with their adult children? You might find like minded people and advice more suited to your situation.

Whatever will delete my questions.

FlipFlop0706 · Sep 7, 2023

TaurusWithLove said:
I've just found this thread, and I'm so glad. My friends are incredibly support, but they have healthy and stable relationships with their parents, so they don't understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. I believe she's a communal narcissist; I could be wrong about that, but she's definitely a narcissist nevertheless.

My mum is disabled, so I always feel conflicted and broken as she heavily relies on me.

This happened earlier; it's not necessarily a major thing, but I think it shows that no matter what, she believes she can never do anything wrong. She can never mistakes, and everything is always my fault

Her car's MOT test was originally booked to take place 2 weeks ago, to allow adequate time for faults to be rectified before its expiration tomorrow. And just because it's best to get it done as early as possible. Mum decided to cancel it as an extended family member passed away, so she decided to support the family etc. It was blatantly obvious she supported them purely so she could make herself look good. I hadn't realised until last week that she had cancelled the test, so I rebooked it. Many places in our area are fully booked until October, luckily the council's MOT centre just about managed to squeeze it in for this morning. The car failed its MOT. That centre don't do the work required, so it has to be taken elsewhere and brought back for a retest within 10 working days.

She's struggling to find a garage with availability for that timeframe. If she can't tShe is adamant that it's all my fault, and that the centre's standards are unachievable as it's linked to the council, so it would've passed if she took it elsewhere. That's blatantly false - MOT pass standards are set by the UK government. She will not accept that she doesn't do basic maintenance on her vehicle, that she would've had plenty of time to get it sorted if she made it a priority and hadn't stupidly cancelled. She keeps going on about how I'm such a selfish bitch as she can't use her car until the defects have been sorted and re-tested. And that I'll be responsible for paying as I've caused such an inconvenience, She's just awful. I can't win. If I hadn't rebooked the test, she would've got fined for driving without a valid MOT, and she would've blamed me for not sorting it out. I would've been damned either way.

I'm sorry for rambling. This post ispathetic, I'm probably being a pussy over such a minor issue . I just needed to let it all out, and I'm tired of not being believed. I haven't even scratched the surface with what she's like. She's hellbent on turning my boyfriend against me, but that's a story for another time...

If she can cancel it, then she’s fully capable of sorting her own mess out and getting the car sorted! If she thinks it would have passed then tell her to get her own car down to a garage of her own choosing at her own cost.
Do not pay. Don’t get emotional over it. State the facts. She wants it done then she sorts it out herself. When she fucks it up and realises what a hassle it is then she’ll soon realise the error of her ways!

TaurusWithLove · Sep 10, 2023

FlipFlop0706 said:
If she can cancel it, then she’s fully capable of sorting her own mess out and getting the car sorted! If she thinks it would have passed then tell her to get her own car down to a garage of her own choosing at her own cost.
Do not pay. Don’t get emotional over it. State the facts. She wants it done then she sorts it out herself. When she fucks it up and realises what a hassle it is then she’ll soon realise the error of her ways!

I'm awfully sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for your kindness .

You're right, she has realised the error of her ways. She found a garage who fixed the issues, but the council-run garage don't have any availability until Thursday for the re-test. She won't be able to use her car until then
---

Rodneytrotter said:
Youre not being silly at all. You try to help and still end up being the bad guy

I think part of the problem is that as isolated incidents they do seem minor but when you add everything up it's pretty major. Someone on here said to me that it's like death by 1000 cuts and I think that might ring true for you aswell?

Thank you for your kindness . Omg death by 1000 cuts describes it perfectly! No matter what I do, I'm never good enough. I've been in therapy for 2 years, and she can't stand the fact that I can see through her and call her behaviour out as a result I'm so glad I've found this thread, you all seem so lovely x

TheGlossy · Sep 10, 2023

TheGlossy said:
I’m so hurt today. I honestly cannot believe this.

I already posted on here about the headache my mother has put us through over my dad’s probate. She has 5K tied and has been creating drama since last year over this (refusing to sign mandatory paperwork, asking to change notaries, asking to pay no fees etc).

In an attempt to close this nonsense, I voluntarily suggested that I would pay the 1K notary fee (despite the fact I’ve already spent 1K in travel and previous fees related to this matter). I need to emphasize I’m not getting a penny from this probate. It’s all a write-off for me.

She said she’d think about it (which I knew would lead to her accepting). She came back yesterday saying ‘I am happy with you paying the notary fees as I have the property tax coming up and I still need to refund your brother for the expenses he incurred for your dad’s funeral’.

The 1K was meant to be deducted from the 5K currently tied in probate.

I saw this and my heart sank. My brother is 28 lives under her roof and has no responsibilities! He paid 1K for my dad’s funeral out of pocket, no debt created. Why on God’s green earth does he need to be refunded? It’s what people do when someone die

I cannot believe she’s taking advantage of a very generous offer to benefit my brother.

My brother may have payed 1K for the funeral, but hasn’t done anything since. I’ve incurred at least 4K in travel, administrative and various expenses to help them out since my dad died. Has she ever suggested to reimburse me? Never!!!

I have my own bills and responsibilities to take care of and she couldn’t even acknowledge that. Granted, I made the offer, but it wasn’t for this purpose. I’m speechless this is her response.

I’m speechless a parent would even say something like this. When I had groceries delivered to their house last year, she said ‘it alleviated a burden from my brother as he doesn’t have go to the shop’.

Last year, she claimed she couldn’t pay 80 quid of taxes, so I paid it only for me to find out she had the means to the extent where she even gave my brother a monthly allowance.

Everything I did to help this, she saw as an opportunity for one of my siblings. I was estranged from her for 6 years for a reason and now I’m damning the day I re-allowed her into my life.

Update:

I have not responded to them since the communication about my mother accepting the offer because she had to repay my brother for my dad’s funeral.

It now also hit me that in the same (email) communication it was mentioned that my brother would book the appointment to sign the closure document the following day.., This without even asking me when it would suit me personally (since I’d have to pay the notary fees the same day). They’re acting as if I’m a bank.

I was busy with work this week and I’m still undecided, so I haven’t followed through. Yet, they sure didn’t fail to chase to ask if I received the email where my mother accepted the offer. Chasing me for my own money. The nerve!!! I’m free to respond whenever it suits me/not respond if my money is involved. Not only that but she didn’t even offer to split the costs or contribute a portion.

I paid 200 in fees this exact time last year which they said they’d refund me and I haven’t seen a penny to this day.

FlipFlop0706 · Sep 10, 2023

TheGlossy said:
Update:

I have not responded to them since the communication about my mother accepting the offer because she had to repay my brother for my dad’s funeral.

It now also hit me that in the same (email) communication it was mentioned that my brother would book the appointment to sign the closure document the following day.., This without even asking me when it would suit me personally (since I’d have to pay the notary fees the same day). They’re acting as if I’m a bank.

I was busy with work this week and I’m still undecided, so I haven’t followed through. Yet, they sure didn’t fail to chase to ask if I received the email where my mother accepted the offer. Chasing me for my own money. The nerve!!! I’m free to respond whenever it suits me/not respond if my money is involved. Not only that but she didn’t even offer to split the costs or contribute a portion.

I paid 200 in fees this exact time last year which they said they’d refund me and I haven’t seen a penny to this day.

I hope you don’t pay the fees again if they already owe you from last time! As you said yourself they are treating you like a bank.

By not consulting you about the date to sign the closure document, they have given you a get out here. Simply text a reply and say that the date and time isn’t convenient for you but that you are glad your brother is taking charge now. Therefore he can pay and you can extricate yourself from an ordeal that sounds like it’s caused you nothing but a great deal of time, stress and inconvenience!x

TheGlossy · Sep 10, 2023

FlipFlop0706 said:
I hope you don’t pay the fees again if they already owe you from last time! As you said yourself they are treating you like a bank.

By not consulting you about the date to sign the closure document, they have given you a get out here. Simply text a reply and say that the date and time isn’t convenient for you but that you are glad your brother is taking charge now. Therefore he can pay and you can extricate yourself from an ordeal that sounds like it’s caused you nothing but a great deal of time, stress and inconvenience!x

The thing is … there is nothing to be paid out of pocket for any of them. My mother has 5K stuck in probate for which release is pending signature of the closure document.

The notary fees were meant to be deducted from those 5K but my mother made a whole fuss over this. She essentially didn’t want the notary to be paid at all (which nuts) and the reason why she caused drama by wanting to switch notaries etc.

I made the offer to pay the fees so she could get the full 5K released to her account and close this chapter, but technically, she has zero to pay out of pocket (same for my brother). The notary fee is 1K which is rather standard for this type of process. It’s hardly life changing amounts.

In brief, I essentially made an offer to pay 1K when there was no real need for it. Huge mistake.

Mollywobbles · Sep 10, 2023

TheGlossy said:
The thing is … there is nothing to be paid out of pocket for any of them. My mother has 5K stuck in probate for which release is pending signature of the closure document.

The notary fees were meant to be deducted from those 5K but my mother made a whole fuss over this. She essentially didn’t want the notary to be paid at all (which nuts) and the reason why she caused drama by wanting to switch notaries etc.

I made the offer to pay the fees so she could get the full 5K released to her account and close this chapter, but technically, she has zero to pay out of pocket (same for my brother). The notary fee is 1K which is rather standard for this type of process. It’s hardly life changing amounts.

In brief, I essentially made an offer to pay 1K when there was no real need for it. Huge mistake.

Did you put the offer in writing? If not, tell her she must have imagined it.
Then treat yourself to something nice with the money you have saved.

call.me.coco · Sep 10, 2023

TheGlossy said:
The thing is … there is nothing to be paid out of pocket for any of them. My mother has 5K stuck in probate for which release is pending signature of the closure document.

The notary fees were meant to be deducted from those 5K but my mother made a whole fuss over this. She essentially didn’t want the notary to be paid at all (which nuts) and the reason why she caused drama by wanting to switch notaries etc.

I made the offer to pay the fees so she could get the full 5K released to her account and close this chapter, but technically, she has zero to pay out of pocket (same for my brother). The notary fee is 1K which is rather standard for this type of process. It’s hardly life changing amounts.

In brief, I essentially made an offer to pay 1K when there was no real need for it. Huge mistake.

You can say you have had an unexpected expense and are no longer in a position to pay the £1K.

You have already invested enough money and time into this.

They can sort the rest out themselves.

Readingismyhobby · Sep 10, 2023

TaurusWithLove said:
I've just found this thread, and I'm so glad. My friends are incredibly support, but they have healthy and stable relationships with their parents, so they don't understand what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. I believe she's a communal narcissist; I could be wrong about that, but she's definitely a narcissist nevertheless.

My mum is disabled, so I always feel conflicted and broken as she heavily relies on me.

This happened earlier; it's not necessarily a major thing, but I think it shows that no matter what, she believes she can never do anything wrong. She can never mistakes, and everything is always my fault

Her car's MOT test was originally booked to take place 2 weeks ago, to allow adequate time for faults to be rectified before its expiration tomorrow. And just because it's best to get it done as early as possible. Mum decided to cancel it as an extended family member passed away, so she decided to support the family etc. It was blatantly obvious she supported them purely so she could make herself look good. I hadn't realised until last week that she had cancelled the test, so I rebooked it. Many places in our area are fully booked until October, luckily the council's MOT centre just about managed to squeeze it in for this morning. The car failed its MOT. That centre don't do the work required, so it has to be taken elsewhere and brought back for a retest within 10 working days.

She's struggling to find a garage with availability for that timeframe. If she can't tShe is adamant that it's all my fault, and that the centre's standards are unachievable as it's linked to the council, so it would've passed if she took it elsewhere. That's blatantly false - MOT pass standards are set by the UK government. She will not accept that she doesn't do basic maintenance on her vehicle, that she would've had plenty of time to get it sorted if she made it a priority and hadn't stupidly cancelled. She keeps going on about how I'm such a selfish bitch as she can't use her car until the defects have been sorted and re-tested. And that I'll be responsible for paying as I've caused such an inconvenience, She's just awful. I can't win. If I hadn't rebooked the test, she would've got fined for driving without a valid MOT, and she would've blamed me for not sorting it out. I would've been damned either way.

I'm sorry for rambling. This post ispathetic, I'm probably being a pussy over such a minor issue . I just needed to let it all out, and I'm tired of not being believed. I haven't even scratched the surface with what she's like. She's hellbent on turning my boyfriend against me, but that's a story for another time...

Your post is not pathetic. Your mother sounds manipulative and nasty towards you. Can you let her get on with sorting out the car problems herself? Being disabled is not a free pass to treating you like dirt!

nothanksbabes · Sep 11, 2023

Rose28454 said:
Whatever will delete my questions.

An adult throwing their toys out of the pram when they don't get the answer they want. Very mature.

TheGlossy · Sep 12, 2023

FlipFlop0706 said:
I hope you don’t pay the fees again if they already owe you from last time! As you said yourself they are treating you like a bank.

By not consulting you about the date to sign the closure document, they have given you a get out here. Simply text a reply and say that the date and time isn’t convenient for you but that you are glad your brother is taking charge now. Therefore he can pay and you can extricate yourself from an ordeal that sounds like it’s caused you nothing but a great deal of time, stress and inconvenience!x

In the end, I had to do the above because they reached out to the notary today to book the appointment without telling me.

The notary reached out to me saying ‘your brother has requested an appointment to sign the documents on Friday, will you be able to attend?’.

Excuse me? You’re just taking my money and can’t even be bothered to ask me when it works for me to fork this amount? Heck no.

If you want my money, you gotta work with me. You can’t go things unilaterally and still expect me to give me money in 48h. It’s 1.1K which is a lot of money in this economy.

They couldn’t even be bothered to check or even tell me they booked the appointment. I had to hear it from the notary themselves. They gave me a way out and are not getting a penny from me as a result regardless of whether they move the appointment.

Disgraceful.

FlipFlop0706 · Sep 12, 2023

TheGlossy said:
In the end, I had to do the above because they reached out to the notary today to book the appointment without telling me.

The notary reached out to me saying ‘your brother has requested an appointment to sign the documents on Friday, will you be able to attend?’.

Excuse me? You’re just taking my money and can’t even be bothered to ask me when it works for me to fork this amount? Heck no.

If you want my money, you gotta work with me. You can’t go things unilaterally and still expect me to give me money in 48h. It’s 1.1K which is a lot of money in this economy.

They couldn’t even be bothered to check or even tell me they booked the appointment. I had to hear it from the notary themselves. They gave me a way out and are not getting a penny from me as a result regardless of whether they move the appointment.

Disgraceful.

Just hold out for 48 hours then and then this will all be over! Stand firm and don’t pay a single penny. Simply reply to the notary and say “unfortunately that date does not work for me but going forward please refer to *your brothers name* for all future enquiries and billing.

If he calls, then politely say I am happy for you to take over from here as I have done all I can up until this point. I have provided funds which have not been paid back and I am not in the position or willing to provide more funds to resolve this.

TheGlossy · Sep 12, 2023

FlipFlop0706 said:
Just hold out for 48 hours then and then this will all be over! Stand firm and don’t pay a single penny. Simply reply to the notary and say “unfortunately that date does not work for me but going forward please refer to *your brothers name* for all future enquiries and billing.

If he calls, then politely say I am happy for you to take over from here as I have done all I can up until this point. I have provided funds which have not been paid back and I am not in the position or willing to provide more funds to resolve this.

Thank you - I really appreciate the advice! It is very sound and sensible.

Clearly, my mother is hellbent on having me pay those fees. After I emailed them, apparently my mother asked my sister to relay the following: ‘Tell TheGlossy I apologize and would like to know how long it would take for her to gather the funds. When is the most convenient time for her for this appointment’.

Now, my mother is facing the reality that I won’t pay and she’s trying to backtrack and is trying to do what she should have done in the first place. Please. She was quick to accept taking my money but couldn’t show an ounce of courtesy towards me. They literally acted like I was just there to bankroll them in the background. I had to hear about the appointment from the notary when the notary checked if the time works me too. How embarrassing is that?

I just responded saying ‘Canceling the appointment will make you look bad. Sorry, too late now.’.

I’m not engaging any further. I don’t have any obligation to pay for any of this when I’ve already paid more than what was required of me when my dad died.

FlipFlop0706 · Sep 12, 2023

TheGlossy said:
Thank you - I really appreciate the advice! It is very sound and sensible.

Clearly, my mother is hellbent on having me pay those fees. After I emailed them, apparently my mother asked my sister to relay the following: ‘Tell TheGlossy I apologize and would like to know how long it would take for her to gather the funds. When is the most convenient time for her for this appointment’.

Now, my mother is facing the reality that I won’t pay and she’s trying to backtrack and is trying to do what she should have done in the first place. Please. She was quick to accept taking my money but couldn’t show an ounce of courtesy towards me. They literally acted like I was just there to bankroll them in the background. I had to hear about the appointment from the notary when the notary checked if the time works me too. How embarrassing is that?

I just responded saying ‘Canceling the appointment will make you look bad. Sorry, too late now.’.

I’m not engaging any further. I don’t have any obligation to pay for any of this when I’ve already paid more than what was required of me when my dad died.

Why could she not apologise directly to you? What is she actually apologising for? She hasn’t actually said? Then she’s followed it immediately by basically still wanting you to pay the fees.

The likely tactic now is they will cancel the appointment and blame you for it so I would make it clear to your sister and brother now before the notary appointment that you are not paying the fees so their appointment is theirs and theirs alone to sort out and so they have ample time tomorrow to find the funds amongst themselves. If they don’t attend or pay the fees then it’s entirely on them now. You are free of any obligation. You’ve paid once and done your best, they’ve chosen to make this more difficult than it needed to be and at some point you just have to say enough now and let them get on with it.

Hope you are planning something nice for yourself for when this is finally all over!

Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

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