Yes she's still with him. I've been made aware of a few things by mutual friends since she stopped speaking to me that makes me wonder if she was ever the person I thought she was. Everyone seen her as being such a caring and kind person but from things I've heard, it makes me question what I can and can't believe. I struggle from time to time because I don't feel like I've had closure. There's so many things I want to say to her but feel like I should just get over it but it's easier said than done. To have someone in your life for that long and for them to just be gone is upsetting. I imagine you feel the same.Thats exactly how I feel. I was the godmother of her two children and we were like sisters too.
Is she still with the guy? I hope she gets out for her sake and the babies.
As far as Im aware my friends still with her guy, shes been seen with L plates on her car so I assume shes teaching him to drive
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My mum is definitely a narcissist. She never showed me any affection growing up, would constantly put me down about everything particularly the way I looked/dressed, never once admitted she was wrong or apologised for anything, would always gaslight me into thinking that my version of things was made up, and she judges pretty much everybody for being inferior to her in some way. I think I received the brunt of it vs siblings because I was the oldest and definitely didn’t turn out to be the daughter she expected me to be, an easy scapegoat perhaps. I haven’t cut her out of my life and I don’t intend to because she’s slightly easier to get on with now I’m an adult who doesn’t live with her, and I don’t want to affect my relationships with the rest of my family - but I’m very careful to make sure I don’t spend more than a few days at a time with her anymore. Family holidays in particular used to be awful growing up, just 24/7 her belittling me in front of the rest of my family and nowhere to escape. What scares me the most is that I worry I’ll turn out the same because I never had certain behaviours modelled to be as a child eg. apologising, but I try to reassure myself that just being aware of her crappy traits should be enough to identify and stop them in myself.
I imagine like me you were a threat to him. My ex best friend is still friends with other old friends but she only saw them once a month if that so they weren't a threat where as she saw me every week, we text daily ect and I knew her kids like the back of my hand and he hated that.
It is so upsetting and faustraiting. I hope one say we do get to speak again but I dont want the friendship to be anything like it was, the trust is gone.
I remember once going to her home to clean as since he'd been around, her mental health had gone to tit & her housework was suffering as he'd taken over, I cleaned her entire house as he was treating it like a pigsty while she swore she wasn't going near him again, consoled her for hours for him to be back there the same night and her house back to how it was a week later. There's only so much you can do to help someone. She said many things about him like she'd had to get the police involved and that social services had become involved as she was pregnant and that she'd been told by them she had to leave him otherwise she was at risk of losing her child yet she's now with him playing happy families. I wonder what's true and what's not. My other friends have also been disowned by her, her close ones anyway. It is very upsetting, as I said, it's like you're grieving someone whose still here. She still has my phone number, she's not removed me off Facebook but she just won't speak to me. I gave up trying months ago. Like you, it would be very difficult to trust her ever again.
Youre a bigger person than me as Ive deleted my friend from Facebook. After I text her to wish her happy birthday and dropped pressies off for the kids birthdays and didn't even get so much as a thank you, I didnt think she deserved the right to know what was going on in my life.
I hope for everyone's sake the kid on your ex-friends relationship is okay. Its always the kids that end up suffering. I was like family to my friends two and now nothing.
He was so creepy around them though especially the girl, 2nd time he met them they dropped them off at mine and he was hugging her and kissing her, that was the first red flag to me. There has been many many more since.
Youre right though it is like grieving and its even worse because you know that person is still alive, you could talk to them if they just reached out.
Yes thank god for lockdown I say (because she stopped coming around) that then gave me the distance I needed to evaluate our relationship.
I think the turning point came when I realised that I was married to a full on narcissist.
I thought about my life (I am 43) and honestly I felt almost as if I'd been groomed by her and conditioned to accept mind games gaslighting and lack of love.
So when I met my husband (and it all happened very quickly a whirlwind romance) I got that immediate connection and sense of familiarity....you feel like you're known them all your life?
That's because you have!
He is frighteningly similar to her controlling yet evasive money obsessed and greedy never appreciates anything...yet stingy with others..fake what I would call insincere charm that at the same time draws people in because they both know how to read people and discover their vulnerabilities?
Neither of them is ever responsible or accountable for anything it's always someone elses fault (usually mine because I fitted that role and was desperate for validation).
So during lockdown when I had zero help from either of them and full on responsibility and getting so tired and frustrated that I'd end up constantly ill (which of course was my fault because I am weak) I decided that the one thing I could do was to deal with the actual source the original pyschic vampire my mother.
When I finally got the courage (on my birthday) to tell her my husband was abusive she listened and betrayed no emotion and then rang up my husband behind my back and started the same old dialogue that she always does and pretends to be worried and frames me as the problem.
What are we going to do about ######
So that was it my heart calcified....I decided then that I would cut her out one way or another....
We had one last meeting....she just walked into my house unannounced my body straight away feel very nauseous....
So that was it the feeling was too intense to ignore (thank god for my body finally giving me the push needed).
Since then she's tried writing letters sending gifts phoning my husband crying and sending text messages but I don't respond (I think I've gone cold turkey) and tbh I never will.
I don't want someone in my life who makes me feel ill.
Dealing with my husband is bad enough sometimes although the good thing is that he works long hours and I don't have to see him much!
He is like a (as I said before) lightweight version of her but more childish (I think narcissists are immature people) and condescending...(sometimes inwardly I just laugh at him because he can be so pompous).
I find yoga and meditation help to reclaim my headspace and create that all important distance?
One thing at a time one step at a time...I realise I don't have the relationships to people that I would like or a first for me (deserve) but I try to remind myself that I'm not to blame.
I got caught in the narcissists net....they can actually brain wash you into accepting their version of reality so that you see the world as a hostile almost dangerous place that isn't safe.
How is it safe when all your boundaries have been smashed to pieces? Or worse you were never really allowed to develop them in the first place?
So if your even considering cutting her out I would say do it narcissists never really contribute anything they only take and drain you.
Also as I found out to my cost she never really fancied being a grandmother it cramped her style and reminded her she was old (there again the narcs inner child the one that doesn't want to grow up and lose the sense of being the centre of the universe) so she never helped out.
Would occasionally grace us with her presence talk down to my children (as if from a great height) never took them out or babysat or played with them or related to them as people.
Just sat there expecting to be fawned over....so my children have never really had a grandmother and well it's the same as me never really having a mother...
As you probably know they just wreck havoc and cause discord.... I have never had a normal life and my grief has hit me very badly especially this week that to a certain extent my children haven't had a normal or comfortable or secure life either.
This is despite me bending over backwards to try to compensate....which didn't work.
Just ask yourself is it really worth it?
Also the horror that happens when as I did you get a sense of history repaying itself?
Break the cycle if you can I broke at least part of it and yes i grieved for it and yes I've felt so lonely and lost but the way I see it once you open your eyes to what is going on you can never really fully close them again....?
Unless delusion is a place you are comfortable with? Or constant numbness or a feeling of cognitive dissonance.....
No one deserves to be reduced to that to feel so crazy or fragile that they can't even trust themselves anymore (and I had moments like that) but I always came back to reality.
I won't let them win (or at least not completely) and I want a better example for my children.
So take care do what you can listen to your instincts
and intuition find the inner voice that can hopefully help you to get in touch with what your really feeling (And not just what they want you to feel) and try to trust yourself and do what you can?
I wish you well sorry about the long post or if I'm oversharing too much but I kept all this hidden away from people because she turned my family (growing up) against me and I could never tell people how bad she made me feel or get them to believe me?
That's because she was daddy's little girl and doted on and spoilt and vain and domineering and yet they all hung on her every word she ruled from a young age....and has expected to ever since.....
Great for her but terrible for me who was always consigned to the shadows.....and that's literally all I was just a shadow projection her own inner demons and darkness that she never admitted to but would I gladly play that part?
I had no choice....and I have spent most of my life almost as a lurker too afraid to be seen or heard finding myself in various degrees repulsive and unlovable and repugnant...I still feel like I have that shame.....but it lifts occasionally and I catch a glimpse of a different possibility?
One that doesn't involve self hatred....
I am reading You're not broken....by Christopher Michael Duncan it's giving me solace and I repeat that phrase to myself whenever I feel threatened which is quite often (my nerves can play up) and it helps....it soothes....it's a rejection of maternal brainwashing (my father was just her enabler another sychophant).....
I know at least I've taken the first steps (often the hardest) if any of this speaks to you know that you can do the same if you feel that you either need or want to....
I don't consider myself an example to others or especially unique or interesting or brave but I do know that anyone can be pushed to their limits when enough really is enough....it's best not to leave it to get to that point but sometimes we get so consumed by something or someone that it's hard to break free.
So be gentle with yourself do not judge yourself hey judge them instead! (,It's a great temporary release) and most of all listen to your body.
If you feel in any way like I did that your in the presence of a predator then either create distance or if like me that isn't enough cut her out?
She will most likely try to hoover you back in or bring out the flying monkeys (as I said she even got my husband to do her bidding).....
At least forewarned is forearmed.....
Good luck I hope I've been helpful and I wish you all the best.
I hope you don't mind me brain dumping here but I honestly just need some sane input. Bit of background my Mum and Dad were very abusive both physically and emotionally when I was growing up. I wasted years of my twenties acting as their unpaid therapist and go between. Constantly trying to get them to go to relate or therapy. I myself have been in therapy for years now and have been diagnosed with ptsd. When I was pregnant I decided to finally put some boundaries in place after a particularly bad bout of parental behaviour. My baby was probably 2 days old and very poorly when my Mum send me over 30 messages about how awful my Dad was and wanted me to call and speak to him and tell him he'd upset her and needed therapy... I've been mainly ok at keeping them at arms length emotionally but my Mum is now very ill. Potentially terminally and the pressure is getting worse. Today I received a string of 20+ messages about their relationship and I replied at first with some basic suggestions and asked her to speak to her friends instead (stupid I know). She replied to say the stress of it would give her friends a heart attack and sent about another 15 messages with intimate details of a recent argument she'd had with my Dad. I replied with: For my own health and wellbeing I can't engage with this conversation. So I am going to need to leave it at this and would recommend you contact a therapist or a friend to discuss this.
I know that reads incredibly coldly but anything else wouldn't get through. I wish I could copy the whole reply I got here but it's like a James Joyce epic. Full of "casting my Mother out" and how she's "facing her end" and will have to die alone in a hospice. I took my own advice and text my therapist for an appointment but in advance and in lieu of screaming into the abyss I found this thread
Any tips for not being dragged into the emotional games and conflicts very welcome. I find no contact hard with the guilt but haven't replied to her and don't plan to. I also find it very hard to parent myself when this happens because I get so anxious and find myself remembering my childhood. Sorry this is very long and rambling 
I haven't proof read it so hopefully it makes some sense!
I know that reads incredibly coldly but anything else wouldn't get through. I wish I could copy the whole reply I got here but it's like a James Joyce epic. Full of "casting my Mother out" and how she's "facing her end" and will have to die alone in a hospice. I took my own advice and text my therapist for an appointment but in advance and in lieu of screaming into the abyss I found this thread
Any tips for not being dragged into the emotional games and conflicts very welcome. I find no contact hard with the guilt but haven't replied to her and don't plan to. I also find it very hard to parent myself when this happens because I get so anxious and find myself remembering my childhood. Sorry this is very long and rambling I haven't proof read it so hopefully it makes some sense!
I’m sorry to hear yours and @Misbehaving experiences, but thank you both for sharing, you will be helping others by being so open and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve said.I hope you don't mind me brain dumping here but I honestly just need some sane input. Bit of background my Mum and Dad were very abusive both physically and emotionally when I was growing up. I wasted years of my twenties acting as their unpaid therapist and go between. Constantly trying to get them to go to relate or therapy. I myself have been in therapy for years now and have been diagnosed with ptsd. When I was pregnant I decided to finally put some boundaries in place after a particularly bad bout of parental behaviour. My baby was probably 2 days old and very poorly when my Mum send me over 30 messages about how awful my Dad was and wanted me to call and speak to him and tell him he'd upset her and needed therapy... I've been mainly ok at keeping them at arms length emotionally but my Mum is now very ill. Potentially terminally and the pressure is getting worse. Today I received a string of 20+ messages about their relationship and I replied at first with some basic suggestions and asked her to speak to her friends instead (stupid I know). She replied to say the stress of it would give her friends a heart attack and sent about another 15 messages with intimate details of a recent argument she'd had with my Dad. I replied with: For my own health and wellbeing I can't engage with this conversation. So I am going to need to leave it at this and would recommend you contact a therapist or a friend to discuss this.
I know that reads incredibly coldly but anything else wouldn't get through. I wish I could copy the whole reply I got here but it's like a James Joyce epic. Full of "casting my Mother out" and how she's "facing her end" and will have to die alone in a hospice. I took my own advice and text my therapist for an appointment but in advance and in lieu of screaming into the abyss I found this thread
The thing that resonated most for me was a simple saying I heard recently regarding narcissistic relationships… “if you lose your peace, you lose your power”. It blew my mind. So simple and so true. Narcissists thrive on you being off-balance, do everything in your power to maintain your inner-peace.
Look at the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram and Lisa A. Romano:
Just had to write something on this thread because only people who have had narcissistic mothers will understand and not think I’m a cruel hag. My mum is in her 70s and is quite frail and as she says lonely. Back when she was in her 60s she said she wouldn’t help me with my kids as I’d made my bed (single mum after leaving an abusive marriage) and so I should lie in it. Now with her being lonely I bet she’d love my kids around her now and me. It feels like karma.
I was raised by a narcissistic parent (mother) and ended up in a long term relationship with another narcissistic person. For many years I thought that was normal and just got on with it.
I am now free as that relationship ended and in regards of my mother, I am well far from her and she knows the bare minimum about my life.
I am now making some progress and my panic attacks are less frequent. Some days I even feel happy and light.
All I wanted to say is, getting away from someone disgusting like a narcissist is possible. It won't be easy but it will worth.
If someone needs a chat, I am always here
I am now free as that relationship ended and in regards of my mother, I am well far from her and she knows the bare minimum about my life.
I am now making some progress and my panic attacks are less frequent. Some days I even feel happy and light.
All I wanted to say is, getting away from someone disgusting like a narcissist is possible. It won't be easy but it will worth.
If someone needs a chat, I am always here
My dad is a gaslighting narc. Hasn’t done anything for a while until yesterday when I mentioned something and due to him having no recollection of it it couldn’t have possibly happened. Made me feel so small and took me back to my younger years. He has the audacity to do it in my house and refuse to leave when asked. Spent a lot of yesterday upset.
Him and my mum came back for round 2 in the afternoon and pounced while my Oh popped outside for 30 seconds, the change in their behaviour when he came back in was fascinating.
My dad will pick on me and my sister because he can. We aren’t treated like adults even though we are both in our 30s. If I said the sky is blue he will say it’s pink and then a few weeks later he will work out the sky is blue. It’s very wearing and we are both sick of it.
Him and my mum came back for round 2 in the afternoon and pounced while my Oh popped outside for 30 seconds, the change in their behaviour when he came back in was fascinating.
My dad will pick on me and my sister because he can. We aren’t treated like adults even though we are both in our 30s. If I said the sky is blue he will say it’s pink and then a few weeks later he will work out the sky is blue. It’s very wearing and we are both sick of it.
I posted a few weeks/months ago and ended up deleting it because I felt really guilty to admit/address it. However I just wanted to say prior to Christmas I raised some incidents with my therapist (namely being called a parasite by my boyfriend) who was there to support me and help me work through my thoughts. I've had a further session with her again and we discussed the narcissist behaviour of my partner. The more I think about it and the more reading I do it's becoming even more evident and how long this has been happening for. It started with comments about my weight and how I should be going to the gym, to then being called horrible names (i.e. stupid, weak, witch, 'empowered feminist' etc.) and making me feel bad to say how they made me feel. After a few years into our relationship, I suffered very badly with anxiety which made me isolate him from his friends and it's something I regret every day - but I sought help and noticed the cycle which I've been working on since. But I've noticed the cycle of behaviour too from the not paying him much attention and not being intimate, to the silent treatment and how this goes over and over, on and on. He said he wants to see a couple's therapist so I'm arranging to see a male counsellor and I'm not quite sure how that will go.
I'm not sure what the point of my post is, but I just wanted to give an update to say if anyone else is feeling scared or nervous to reach out to a professional - please do, I feel so much weight off my shoulders and even though it's draining and confusing and you may feel bad for opening up, it's the first step to healing.
I'm not sure what the point of my post is, but I just wanted to give an update to say if anyone else is feeling scared or nervous to reach out to a professional - please do, I feel so much weight off my shoulders and even though it's draining and confusing and you may feel bad for opening up, it's the first step to healing.
My dad is the same (not to make it all about me but sometimes it's nice to know you're not the only one in a world full of people with loving fathers).
My dad used to pounce when my husband wasn't around. Eventually he started doing in front of my husband and eventually tried to get my husband to join in. That was the last time I saw him and I never want to see him again.
I kept saying yesterday I wish I had recorded the conversation. Well today I remembered that I had! We’ve got a camera set up in our lounge, cat kept weeing on the carpet and we trying to catch her (don’t ask
) So I’ve know got a nice little recording of what I said and what he said.
My ex has officially moved on to his new supply as he’s blocked me after months of stalking so he can change his WhatsApp pic to one of them both. There’s still a petty side of me but 
she did me a solid one. Seems like a narc herself. Good luck to them 
she did me a solid one. Seems like a narc herself. Good luck to them 
I've had too much time on my hands over the past couple of days which is a dangerous thing for me, as I find myself mulling over events of the past.
I don't know if anyone else has experienced these sorts of things? It'd be helpful to know I'm not alone. In all cases, the subject is my narcissistic mother.
(You might want to go and grab a cup of tea, as this is a long read!).
It's hard because she is in her late 70s and alone ... but whenever I do try and do nice things for her (e.g., grocery shops which I pay for), she'll pick fault ... "I don't eat this sort of food" (normal food!). No good deed ever goes unpunished with her, that's for sure.
A friend volunteers at a retirement village, organising their quiz nights. She said it is amazing how many miserable people live there, who moan about having no visitors, who she's convinced are all narcs who've tried ruining their families' lives. I think she's right - she's had a number of complaints about her dress style (perfectly normal), tattoos (one, on her hand, covering a scar), and attitude (positive!). The village management love her, as do a lot of the normal residents.
I don't know if anyone else has experienced these sorts of things? It'd be helpful to know I'm not alone. In all cases, the subject is my narcissistic mother.
(You might want to go and grab a cup of tea, as this is a long read!).
- When seeing extended family - who I haven't seen in many years - she goes quiet - sulks. Won't engage in conversation and spends most of the time looking into the distance, and giving one-word responses. Loves it when people ask what is wrong, to which she says "nothing" in a way that she wants people to keep probing.
- Despite asking her not to - she doesn't have the money and I don't share the same taste - she gifts me things that I just would never, ever choose of my own accord - animated solar lights, weird bed linen with abstract patterns ... someone might be reading this and thinking how ungrateful I sound, but I am extremely fussy about the energy of things - which she knows full well - and I don't like to introduce clutter or things without purpose into my home. I have all the things I need - that I've chosen, that I've paid for. I don't want her junk!
- For my birthday, she made a huge deal about how she was gifting me one of her serving platters "from her collection" - it came complete with the very old-style price tag and the box was was dirty and smelt really bad ... it was years old. I politely returned it and said I don't need anymore platters and I'd rather she keep it. She complained to everyone who'd listen about how that upset her. One of my aunts pointed out to her that if it was part of her collection, then surely she'd be happy to have it back if I didn't want it?. She also gifted me cash - which I know she can't afford to do - so I gave it back to her. I asked my aunt if she'd mentioned that ... of course she didn't. (To add: she is a pack rat hoarder. She used to have a major spending addiction, filling all her cupboards with linen and homewares that she just did not need, and this is where that platter came from. She does not have a "collection" [other than of hoarded stuff]).
- A few years ago, she called me at work and asked if I had time to call in on my way home from work; I told her no, as I was sneaking off early for the day to meet up with friends for drinks and dinner. She actually called my boss to report me! (And declined doing so, but he told me and thought it was hilarious as I'd specifically sought his approval to do so beforehand).
- Another time, I told her that I'd been having trouble with my new-ish vacuum cleaner (in that it lost its suction fairly quickly), and I was going to take it back to the store as I'd heard through a friend that they had a no-questions-asked return policy. Lo and behold, when I got to the store a couple of days later, the man said he'd been alerted to this scam and he refused to even look at it. I swear she called him and told him! (And no, it was not a scam - the cleaner didn't work after a period. I did manage to contact their Head Office, who arranged for it to be serviced at their expense, but the point here is that my mother clearly phoned him). Of course, when I told my mother what had happened, she acted all surprised, but I could tell she was lying.
- She was meant to come and stay with us after having major surgery - we turned my home office into a bedroom, bought new furniture, changed the paint colour, installed a TV ... only for her to say at the 11th hour that she didn't want to. A few days later, I received a call from an aunt who I cannot stand, to say that she didn't want to come because she's scared of one of my dogs, and if I could rid of him ... of course, I told her where to stick her advice.
- I've lost count at the number of times that she's cried about something she hasn't wanted me to do, only for me to relent and then catch her out the corner of my eye with a cunning little 'gotcha!' expression.
- We had a pool installed a few years back and someone from the Council came to see us, unannounced, as someone had reported us for non-compliance - I think it was her! (It was, and always has been, fully compliant and we use our own water source from our rural bore to fill it ... the Council guy was majorly peeved that he'd been called out unnecessarily and couldn't stop apologising). I'm sure it was her, as very few people know it's here (aside from all the relatives that she tells, who keep hinting at wanting to use it). She also asked sometime after the Council man's visit, if we'd had any issues with the Council.
- We bought a secondhand trampoline a few years back. I've always wanted one! I find it to be a great way to keep fit and really love it. My mother came to visit one day and her face went white when she saw it. I think she was jealous! A couple of years later, my cousin bought one for her kids. She said to me - very cheerfully - that my cousin's was a far superior model as it came with a net. I pointed out to her that most come with nets nowadays, and that ours was ripped, so we don't use it. She was miffed at that, and even more so at my response to her question asking what size it is (bigger than my cousin's). I think she'd rather that ours was smaller and inferior! (It's definitely older, but it's a good one and would've cost a fair bit new).
- Oh, and I cannot forget this - when I went for my very first interview - working as an Office Junior straight out of school, my mother actually called the man who interviewed me, to say she'd be better suited for the job as she'd worked as a secretary in her 20s. What sort of "mother" does that?!!! She also used to turn up unannounced at my work which was a really stuffy corporate and definitely not the sort of place where pop-ins were welcome ...
It's hard because she is in her late 70s and alone ... but whenever I do try and do nice things for her (e.g., grocery shops which I pay for), she'll pick fault ... "I don't eat this sort of food" (normal food!). No good deed ever goes unpunished with her, that's for sure.
Yep, karma at its finest!
A friend volunteers at a retirement village, organising their quiz nights. She said it is amazing how many miserable people live there, who moan about having no visitors, who she's convinced are all narcs who've tried ruining their families' lives. I think she's right - she's had a number of complaints about her dress style (perfectly normal), tattoos (one, on her hand, covering a scar), and attitude (positive!). The village management love her, as do a lot of the normal residents.
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I'm currently in the process of escaping. He has moved out so that's something but he's moved on to the ruining my life stage. Smear campaigns, refusal to have the children whilst I work etc.
If I stand back I can see what he's doing but it's really hard to stay calm when faced with the onslaught. I don't know how to explain it. It's as if he believes what he's saying. He twists everything. He's telling people all sorts and to an extent I can say "this isn't true" but having to accept that people believe the stuff he says is really hard.
I'm removed enough to know that this push pull aspect is part of it (it's happened before but I stayed) and I have the experience of watching him play out similar scenes with other people in his life over the years but it's still difficult.
If anyone has been through this, is it enough to expect friends to 'know' you, to know the malicious version isn't true? Or do I just need to let go of most people? I do have family and some friends back up.
Also, do these people get bored and go away in this scenario? The things I've experienced with him have been work things so even though they dragged on, they did end. This feel like it could be infinite.
I just need some reassurance I think.
If I stand back I can see what he's doing but it's really hard to stay calm when faced with the onslaught. I don't know how to explain it. It's as if he believes what he's saying. He twists everything. He's telling people all sorts and to an extent I can say "this isn't true" but having to accept that people believe the stuff he says is really hard.
I'm removed enough to know that this push pull aspect is part of it (it's happened before but I stayed) and I have the experience of watching him play out similar scenes with other people in his life over the years but it's still difficult.
If anyone has been through this, is it enough to expect friends to 'know' you, to know the malicious version isn't true? Or do I just need to let go of most people? I do have family and some friends back up.
Also, do these people get bored and go away in this scenario? The things I've experienced with him have been work things so even though they dragged on, they did end. This feel like it could be infinite.
I just need some reassurance I think.
It’s harder with children involved but I would say make sure you’re documenting everything so only communicate with a record via text/email etc. so they can’t skew the truth. If people want to believe his smear, unfortunately that’s out of your control. Their smear campaigns are nothing short of confessionals. Try and keep focus on what is in your control. Don’t engage or feel the need to prove you’re the opposite of what he’s saying, people worth their salt will see through the lies. Everyone’s different and he may lose interest when he’s got new supply, but try and educate yourself on triangulation etc as much as you can.
Thank you. The majority of our communication is via email currently. His twist on reality in some of them is astounding to read. Sometimes it's so ridiculous it's laughable but other things make me feel like I might hyperventilate in a corner. I do however have an excellent divorce lawyer, who I have every confidence in so that's something!
That’s good to hear! Keep on putting everything in writing. I don’t have experience where children are involved but have watched a lot of content that included mothers dealing with narc exes and it sounds like you’re doing the sensible things. I remember one where they had an agreement about sports day and he collected them early on his day off to make the mum look like she hadn’t showed
but she had the emails 
I’m glad you have a good lawyer. They’re miserable to the core and will never be happy, they do believe they’re the wronged party and nothing will change that. I’m sorry for you and everyone else that got tangled up with one. Even if he continues with his drama, over time you’ll get more resilient.