This is such great adviceAre you financially independent from him. Do you have any ties?
Pack an emergency bag and keep in your car. Collect ALL important documents NOW. Keep them in a safe place either with a trusted friend of YOURS or with your Mum.
Just leave.
Delete your search history on your phone/tablet/computer so he cannot trace you have been talking here.
Seriously plan your escape and leave.
He will never change. He will never be ‘normal’. He will never treat you right. Narcissistic personality disorder is one hell of a battle. Trust me when I say you are better off leaving him and not telling him where you are going. Just disappear.
Can you talk to your mum about this? Survive has some useful information. This isn’t healthy. The fact you have to even question a conversation you’ve had in your head are red flagslet alone silent treatment etc etc.
I feel so sorry for you. My situation is different but not too dissimilar (narc is a family member)
It literally knocks the soul out of you. You need to escape to hun. Do you have anyone who you can talk to? Confide in? Help you?
You know - there is help for you too.
This doesn’t have to be your life. It doesn’t have to be mine either.
Fear, obligation and guilt have been my life for over forty years. I’ve not really lived, just existed day to day. I’m lucky in the sense I can go low contact but it’s a painfully lonely existence at times. Outsiders ‘don’t get it’ not really.
I wish you strength and energy. Thinking of you x
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Not them, they have plenty of social media but they make you delete them because why do you need them? You have kids, you don't need social media or I don't like them messaging you. And the rows are not worth it so you give in... Sad unfortunately as an adult that someone has control over that much of your existence
Hey @Lana.lee, I'm doing okay thanks. I've been away on that girly trip which I enjoyed so much. It felt so great to explore somewhere new and I just felt so alive! I got back earlier this week and he's been off with me since returning and I'm not sure if he's just super stressed with work, but his answers are short and it feels like there is such a distance. It struck me earlier how lovely and charming he sounded on a work call, and then when I started speaking to him it was short/direct and quite cold answers. I've only been out once this week and I've just been existing at home. Over the past year I have been studying for a diploma (as a little side gig) and I finally passed, so I've put some bubbles in the fridge to celebrate with later but I feel like I'll just be celebrating by myself this evening (or maybe with the Kardashians on the TV for a little guilty pleasure!). Hope you are having a good week and thank you for reaching out.
Hi @Good Egg, we own a house together and I feel like it's such a minefield in understanding what happens if/when you break up and how it all works. I own the majority as I put down a bigger deposit but I'd have to look into my paperwork. Aside from that, we don't have any children and unfortunately I don't drive. As we've been together for several years, he knows where my family live and I don't feel I could just get up and leave. In some weird way, I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do so which just shows how little self-respect/confidence/belief I have in myself.Are you financially independent from him. Do you have any ties?
Pack an emergency bag and keep in your car. Collect ALL important documents NOW. Keep them in a safe place either with a trusted friend of YOURS or with your Mum.
Just leave.
Delete your search history on your phone/tablet/computer so he cannot trace you have been talking here.
Seriously plan your escape and leave.
He will never change. He will never be ‘normal’. He will never treat you right. Narcissistic personality disorder is one hell of a battle. Trust me when I say you are better off leaving him and not telling him where you are going. Just disappear.
Can you talk to your mum about this? Survive has some useful information. This isn’t healthy. The fact you have to even question a conversation you’ve had in your head are red flags
Advice I got from my therapist when I discussed my narcissistic family member was. She said there are 2 options, either go no contact or remain contact but accept their behaviour but set boundaries because they will never change.
My life changed dramatically when I went no contact, I found myself pining for "the good old days" with them. But soon realised they were days filled with manipulation, bullying and inappropriate behaviour. Remember narcissism is in the same relm as sociopath/psychopath tendencies. I could write a book about my family member and honestly 99% of people would think it is fiction. It is way too out there to be true, but it was true and I lived it for 33 years.
Does anyone else blame their parents a little for how their family member turned out? Looking into it, their brain can be framed a lot in early childhood nature v nurture. I know my parents wouldn't have been the best parents initially as they were so young.
My life changed dramatically when I went no contact, I found myself pining for "the good old days" with them. But soon realised they were days filled with manipulation, bullying and inappropriate behaviour. Remember narcissism is in the same relm as sociopath/psychopath tendencies. I could write a book about my family member and honestly 99% of people would think it is fiction. It is way too out there to be true, but it was true and I lived it for 33 years.
Does anyone else blame their parents a little for how their family member turned out? Looking into it, their brain can be framed a lot in early childhood nature v nurture. I know my parents wouldn't have been the best parents initially as they were so young.
Absolutely same here as you, could also write a book and it could be made into a film, so much of it is spine tinglingly scary and also unbelievable.
I think from memory from the other thread we are both no contact with our narc sisters?
Noone believes the stories I tell them and I don't blame them, I wish the insane crap wasn't true either.
Yeah just over 5 years no contact now! Did you always know they were a narc or did you have the realisation late in life? I think I always knew something wasn't right about them, but put it down to them being v smart/ a genius. She has also got munchousen syndrome on herself (by proxy on her animals) which is a whole other level of crazy!!
I ended a thirty year friendship with a narcissist psycho. She presented herself as the person who would do anything for you, drop things for you. But from the beginning all she did was copy me and rip me down. When I applied for university back in the day, she completely lost it. And so while I was away I dropped her.(no mobiles or social media then). Then years later she sort of inveigled her way into my life again. There were many red flags but I ignored them. She was struggling. Everything was a problem, her work, family, house, she was absolutely filthy, everyone was against her. I propped her up for years. Then I got marrried, she wasn’t invited to the wedding. Not only did she show up, wearing jeans, she demanded food bec ause she was hungry, and we had already had the wedding dinner. She was loud and aggressive. A few years pass and one day in my living room she opens a letter from the fertility service on my coffee table, when I catch her, she waves it at me angrily and says when we’re you going to tell me you were trying for a baby? Comple missing the point she opened my Mail. She had had an abortion six months before. She wasn’t able to keep a relationship going. She got knocked up by a Turkish man who wouldn’t let her in his house they had to have sex in the car. He didn’t want her so she aborted the baby. Within three months of finding out about me trying for a baby she got pregnant again. This time she kept it. Her boyfriend was a man who was a different religion and culture from her, he refused to tell his parents they had a baby on the way. On the night his first son was born he walked into his home and told no one. Then he called me, she had asked him to tell me the time and weight of their son. Then he threatened me. He said if his parents find out about his son he will know I told them and my house would be burned down. I immediately stopped all contact with her. Totally. About three years later I bumped into her in town, she now had three kids by him. I went back to her house. Filth. She literally didn’t throw anything away, or wash anything, or hoover. It was a cesspit. I spent 8 hours cleaning it. Then I was back in her life, contanstly showing up at my house uninvited. Could I make something for the boys they haven’t eaten today. She lied on a school form and put my address down so her kids could go to the same school as mine. I’m not exaggerating, they ate at my house three if not five times a week, no thank yous. She ploughed from one disaster to another. But she was fond of putting me down. If I mentioned university she would sneer and say, you didn’t go to Cambridge love. I couldn’t tell her anything personal or worrying because she would roll it up and use it like a newspaper to hit me with. The silliest things. I bought three packs of vipers cutlery in tk max. She chided me and told me I was greedy and I should’ve only bought one, and left the others for other people. Yet she was a hoarder who bought everything in bulk and it remained unused. I got to the point with her that when she rolled into my house I sat in silence looking at the tv while she wittered on. She crossed a line a fewtimes and I asked her to get out of my house and life. Then one of her children died in an accident. I propped her up through that. Paid her house bills, fags, petrol for the car, all expenses. Cleaned the house. All thankless but I was trying to help her. I talked her partner into telling his parents about his secret family, that their grandchild they’d never met had died. Their response. They sent him back to Pakistan and forced him to marry a cousin and bring her back to the U.K. His parents wanted someone tolook after them. She visited my home every day. Deman to know if I was going out. She rang constantly, texted, facebooked. I didn’t have six hours of peace in a day, she was full on. I couldn’t help her and I was drowning. I failed to recognise myself. Then about two years ago she rang me at 6 in the morning. Full attack on how I was lying to her about having breakfast in town and not inviting her, and was I going today. So I was honest. I said , I like to sit in my own company sometimes when the kids are at school. She went full attack, how I was stupid, her sons believed I had won some money on the lottery a few months ago and not told her. I had won £750 a few years back. I gave her 250 and then she wangled another 250 out of me for a sofa. I said I haven’t won the lotto and not told you. So my sons are liars are they? Her sons by this time were going off the rails. One had got his gridirons pregnant at 14, the other stole his mums car and wrote it off. I had been deliberately extricating myself from her life in the year, the boys weren’t interested in coming to my house. I didn’t want them round my kids to be honest. She screamed. I told her shut up. And I hung up. I blocked her everywhere, even locked mutual friends. Wouldn’t respons]d to her texts. She even showed up at my parents house, she was told to go. It’s been heavenly. I will never allow her back. Last year I got chatting to one of my dads neighbours. She was friendly and asked for my phone number so we could have coffee, I lied and said I didn’t remember of it. I felt tense at the thought of making a new friend.
Oh my god. That sounds horrific and she seems incredibly unstable. I'm glad you're out of now that, and hope you don't let her back in again. Why would you even have to answer to her.
I always knew there was something, same as you say, but definitely only realised properly into my adulthood. She is 4 years older than me and its only the 2 of us siblings, we were a really close family, and actually my sister and I did have some great times growing up, but it was always on her terms, and I was always on eggshells around her. I've basically been the scapegoat for her my entire life with her getting all the power. I've had to go no contact a few times but always gave in for my parents/and to be able to continue to see her kids. But then I had my own kids and it changed everything. She has munchausen by proxy on her kids in fact. My parents are her enablers/her flying monkeys because they are scared of her. And they know I'm the pushover that will give in because I hate confrontation (I'm a hsp/empath) and just want everything to be ok /people pleaser plus I have zero boundaries. It is only very very recently I have realised my mum is also a narc. She makes everything worse.
This time I have been nc with my sister for the longest yet which is 2 years now.
It’s weird because talking about writing a book because the stories sound so unbelievable is so true.
Do you find it’s hard to confide in someone about what’s really going on behind closed doors because it sounds so insane you worry they’ll think the issue is with you?
A big fear is the issue is down to me. It’s me with the problem. I navigate that theory a lot. I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s so unbelievably hard.
I’m glad I found this place as I’ve posted in a few threads on here about this topic. To the ‘unknown’ or ‘outsiders’ they have no clue. They will never understand the true extent of the fear, and the guilt they make you feel.
I feel like I cannot share what’s really going on. I have supportive friends. They have no idea. One friend often says “are you OK you look a bit down?” I often think about confiding in him but once the issue has passed and I think about it I decide against it, I think it’ll make me look crazy. So I internalise it.
Sometimes I find it hard to cry. It’s so strange because it’s like a numb feeling behind my eyes. The tears will not fall - and yet weeks or months later, someone might say something kind to me, or something might happen (really insignificant) and I’ll sob uncontrollably.
A a child crying was seen as being weak. I held a lot of tears in. I used to pinch myself or bite my tongue so I wouldn’t cry.
In the future I will need therapy. I admit this. I’m broken. In the meantime I’ll wait it out. It’s so bloody hard.
Big hugs to you all facing the same. xxx
Do you find it’s hard to confide in someone about what’s really going on behind closed doors because it sounds so insane you worry they’ll think the issue is with you?
A big fear is the issue is down to me. It’s me with the problem. I navigate that theory a lot. I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s so unbelievably hard.
I’m glad I found this place as I’ve posted in a few threads on here about this topic. To the ‘unknown’ or ‘outsiders’ they have no clue. They will never understand the true extent of the fear, and the guilt they make you feel.
I feel like I cannot share what’s really going on. I have supportive friends. They have no idea. One friend often says “are you OK you look a bit down?” I often think about confiding in him but once the issue has passed and I think about it I decide against it, I think it’ll make me look crazy. So I internalise it.
Sometimes I find it hard to cry. It’s so strange because it’s like a numb feeling behind my eyes. The tears will not fall - and yet weeks or months later, someone might say something kind to me, or something might happen (really insignificant) and I’ll sob uncontrollably.
A a child crying was seen as being weak. I held a lot of tears in. I used to pinch myself or bite my tongue so I wouldn’t cry.
In the future I will need therapy. I admit this. I’m broken. In the meantime I’ll wait it out. It’s so bloody hard.
Big hugs to you all facing the same. xxx
Oh my God - what a sad, sad story.
Well done to you - for not only trying and trying to help and support her but also having the strength to cut her out of your life
Fortunately/unfortunately almost all of my close friends has a narc family member. We talk about it a lot, which can be actually more painful and hard to enjoy life when we are all so traumatised!
Maybe you should try and have therapy sooner rather than later, time and finances allowing
I think I do fear I am seen as the common denominator and not the perpetrators, the narc. When I was at the peak of my issues with my sibling I was also working closely in work with a narc. So I just had a breakdown as I couldn't cope with it at home and in work.
I don't confide too much in non close friends as it is just too outlandish and I don't want to sound necrotic.
I got goosepimples when you mentioned walking on eggs shells and the great times. It is such a contrast, the fun was always on their terms. She could light up a room in seconds, but also drain the room of every bit of fun also.
I never suffered her narc rage but my now husband did. She tried to DESTROY him and our relationship. She created fake FB accounts to lure my husband into catfish situations. He never replied to the messages obviously but it was 100% her. She also tried to poison people's head against our relationship, divulging private bedroom things I told her TO MY PARENTS!! She made it out to be seedy and vile when it was perfectly normal.
I am so glad she never had kids, she did consider fostering and I intended telling the board who deals with fostering that she is dangerous. Thankfully she got bored of that idea.
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Hi @Good Egg I'd highly suggest speaking to your GP and/or getting onto a therapy waiting list. It will help more than you can imagine and I wish I had spoken up or sought help sooner. Try to prioritise something to help with your wellbeing/self-care everyday - whether it's going for a walk, listening to your favourite song, doing something you enjoy. Hope you're okay.
Random question, but do people with NPD get jealous of animals? My reason for asking is because my bf has an issue with my family dog. Yes I like to spend time with her because she makes me really happy, and yes perhaps my family and I treat her like a little puppy (I mean, she is and always will be!), but some comments he makes is like he's jealous of the attention I'm giving her. I've grown up with animals and would love a dog myself, but he also says I'd prefer to never have kids and to just have a dog (untrue - I'd love both!). I can't even go on Facetime with his parents while being with the dog as they think I prefer dogs over children and I'm the most terrible person in the world for that - they've never had a family dog other than one which was previously used as a guard-dog and lived outside. It's beyond bizarre. Earlier today (hence why I'm posting because it's been on my mind since) I gave her a bath after she got very muddy on her walk and he just rolls his eyes at the action of caring for her and brought up again how I'd be a bad mum because my priorities are wrong?! I'm fed up of having to justify or show him examples of other people loving their animals. In fact when visiting a friend he kept making the point about how we'll never have kids because all I want is a dog and how I act with them - but then his friend said but surely that's a good thing because she's caring?! It hurts because my family dog (and the one prior) have helped me through so much and they never fail to make me smile. As I said it's so bizarre and I was wondering if anyone else's partner has said similar stuff?
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Surviving but not thriving at the minute. Trying to make sure I go the gym, eat well, keep up with work, clear debt etc. but it’s hard because I’m so isolated and have nothing planned (don’t need any suggestions, just venting). I hate my job and feel very “nice guy finishes last”. My ex is lovebombing the new supply hard (they’re engaged after 5 months) and I know I shouldn’t look but I have cut it down so know I’ll stop eventually.
I’m just trying to remind myself it’s a marathon not a sprint. My mum is also hard to be around, so self-indulgent. Spoke to her before and she had visitors for a change. She awkwardly hung up on me then called me back when they’d left making minimal conversation and yawning a lot. Going to have an early night.
I’m just trying to remind myself it’s a marathon not a sprint. My mum is also hard to be around, so self-indulgent. Spoke to her before and she had visitors for a change. She awkwardly hung up on me then called me back when they’d left making minimal conversation and yawning a lot. Going to have an early night.
Looking for advice please?
Long story short, I’ve been narc free now for 7 months and no contact for about 3. We have a child together but contact stopped 3 months ago. Since we’ve been split, every few days he is trying to get in to my email. By getting in to my emails he could gain access of my social media, which I think is his plan to try and see what I’m doing. He knows nothing about my life at the moment, I lay very low abs don’t even have any public photos up of myself or our child.
I want to stop him from doing the email stuff, but he is using a VPN to try and access my account which hides his IP address (this lie that influencers spread explained here) and location. I was just wondering if I went to the police about this, would they be able to track down where it’s coming from, or is there anyone else I can contact that could help with this kind of stuff? Sick of feeling nervous, and on edge. He did this kind of thing with his ex whilst he was with me, it went on for years (although he denied it) stalked her on social media and continuously tried to get in to her emails. Don’t want to feel like I’m on egg shells forever
Long story short, I’ve been narc free now for 7 months and no contact for about 3. We have a child together but contact stopped 3 months ago. Since we’ve been split, every few days he is trying to get in to my email. By getting in to my emails he could gain access of my social media, which I think is his plan to try and see what I’m doing. He knows nothing about my life at the moment, I lay very low abs don’t even have any public photos up of myself or our child.
I want to stop him from doing the email stuff, but he is using a VPN to try and access my account which hides his IP address (this lie that influencers spread explained here) and location. I was just wondering if I went to the police about this, would they be able to track down where it’s coming from, or is there anyone else I can contact that could help with this kind of stuff? Sick of feeling nervous, and on edge. He did this kind of thing with his ex whilst he was with me, it went on for years (although he denied it) stalked her on social media and continuously tried to get in to her emails. Don’t want to feel like I’m on egg shells forever
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I’d advise you to contact the police.. this is so out of order and he is invading your privacy. I had to shut down all my social media due to my ex harassing me, I’d block numerous accounts, I even had him get a mutual friend (never found out who it was) to screen shot anything I posted. What your dealing with is him being obsessive, and from my experience they don’t tire of it. The police can track pretty much anything from phones these days, it’s brilliant what they can do. I hope your ok, and you do right not posting anything. I can never have social media again and although it’s unfair he’s done me a favour cos I haven’t missed it!Looking for advice please?
Long story short, I’ve been narc free now for 7 months and no contact for about 3. We have a child together but contact stopped 3 months ago. Since we’ve been split, every few days he is trying to get in to my email. By getting in to my emails he could gain access of my social media, which I think is his plan to try and see what I’m doing. He knows nothing about my life at the moment, I lay very low abs don’t even have any public photos up of myself or our child.
I want to stop him from doing the email stuff, but he is using a VPN to try and access my account which hides his IP address (this lie that influencers spread explained here) and location. I was just wondering if I went to the police about this, would they be able to track down where it’s coming from, or is there anyone else I can contact that could help with this kind of stuff? Sick of feeling nervous, and on edge. He did this kind of thing with his ex whilst he was with me, it went on for years (although he denied it) stalked her on social media and continuously tried to get in to her emails. Don’t want to feel like I’m on egg shells forever
When I see these statements written down, this is so obviously my ex SIL. I knew she was a narcissist for a long time and told my parents so. They didn’t really know what it meant but when I explained it to them, they agreed that she ticks a lot of the boxes. That was when she and my sibling first got together over 10 years ago. Since then, she has isolated my sibling from us and their own friends, abused them mentally, financially and physically amongst other things. My sibling finally left her around 6 months ago - I’m so thankful.
Sorry you’ve been through this feeling
it makes me anxious that he’s trying numerous passwords and I’m worried eventually he might get in. I do have two step notifications though and I’m pretty sure he would need a code that only gets sent to my number, but in previous splits he has still actually got in somehow. I have nothing to hide. I’m literally keeping my head down getting on with life as best I can looking after our child and running my business, the last I actually heard from him was that he had a new partner, but from experience I know he won’t stop trying to find out what I’m doing, he did the same with the ex before me. I will contact the police today, hopefully they can put a stop to it but I just don’t know if they’ll be able to trace it since he’s using software that hides his location
I have a public business page so I don’t think it would make any difference sadly, so much associated to the email address as well it would take me forever trying to change everything.
I’m just not sure what he’s looking for.
He abused me. I’m healing. He’s with someone else. Leave me alone!