Am I ok to post for advice on this thread..?
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Go for it x
Hi! Fellow narc survivor and raised by one too. Still suffering the effects. Relationship was typical at first, all rosey. Then after a year or so I was criticised, told what I couldn’t or could do, made me cut contact with my best friend, accused me of any guy I was friends with I was shagging. I was mocked and tell told I was being too soft. He put me into his debt by buying me the latest iPhones and making faux contracts. I ended up getting the worst anxiety. What woke me up to it was a week in August we were dog sitting for his sister. I was originally going to come a day later because I was wanting to meet a friend who’d come back from Australia after 8 years. But they had to cancel cos they were sick and I did too because I was withdrawing off some medication (changing meds) and when I got there he accused me of lying and made me show the messages confirming we were both sick. Then he said I ruined the week when he was the one complaining about toothache. At that point I’d just mentally shut down. I ended up just going against him. I got my snakebites (I got them at 30 because he wouldn’t let me have them when we started dating at 20). I just cut off his supply by being distant and it seemed to work. To add insult to injury he cheated on me with a 17 year old Filipino. He soon started getting with her as we broke up. Pathetic really. Glad I’m not there anymore. But I am not the same person anymore. I just feel completely dead inside. It sucks
This is the strength and the mindset of the ‘flying monkey.
Absolutely true story.\
I‘d cut ties with my narc vampire money energy draining friend for four years, so far! I went completely’no contact’, made it clear to her, her family and friends. And my own family. She crossed a line with me, even logging into my social media accounts because her son found out my passwords. Even though I was on benefits she drained me of any cash or belongings she could. She even tried to borrow my wedding dress. Anything you lent her was never returned, a special designer bag she begged me to lend her for a date, cardigan I worse on my wedding day. Various clothes, bags jewellery, perfume, money especially. We worked out in one month ahe borrowed on average £150 in drabs and drabs, ciggies, petrol, food, dramas.
‘Anyway one day I had it. She played her usual, ‘I was dumb, and she was superior bull over me, which she did daily. And I screamed down the phone at her and cut her out.
‘Two months ago I found my best friend dead on the floor of his house. He’d been dead a few days. I had been at my dads because he was ill. It was awful. The state of him, the smell, the flies. Police came and I had to stand on the other side of the street because it was so bad. Down the road skips one of my ex narcs favourite flying monkeys. Hiya, she says, how are you doing. Not well I told her I’d just found this body. Instead of saying, ‘oh that’s terrible, or are you okay’ she IMMEDIATELYstarting talking about the narc, and how I should give her a ring she always asks if she has seen me. So I quite aggressively, and I can only blame this on what had just happened in the thirty minutes since the discovery, I told her, not only would I not be calling her again. I didn’t want this woman running back with a story about me. She is history and will remain so.
Believe me, I’m a doormat. But the fear I have that she slips back into my life again is scary to me. I have even had dreams were she is back, and I don’t know how she weaselled her way back in. I am sickened that I subjected my kids to her presence in our lives, and other members of my family put up with her too.
I tried to help her. But all she did was thankless pull me under, and bleed me dry.
Absolutely true story.\
I‘d cut ties with my narc vampire money energy draining friend for four years, so far! I went completely’no contact’, made it clear to her, her family and friends. And my own family. She crossed a line with me, even logging into my social media accounts because her son found out my passwords. Even though I was on benefits she drained me of any cash or belongings she could. She even tried to borrow my wedding dress. Anything you lent her was never returned, a special designer bag she begged me to lend her for a date, cardigan I worse on my wedding day. Various clothes, bags jewellery, perfume, money especially. We worked out in one month ahe borrowed on average £150 in drabs and drabs, ciggies, petrol, food, dramas.
‘Anyway one day I had it. She played her usual, ‘I was dumb, and she was superior bull over me, which she did daily. And I screamed down the phone at her and cut her out.
‘Two months ago I found my best friend dead on the floor of his house. He’d been dead a few days. I had been at my dads because he was ill. It was awful. The state of him, the smell, the flies. Police came and I had to stand on the other side of the street because it was so bad. Down the road skips one of my ex narcs favourite flying monkeys. Hiya, she says, how are you doing. Not well I told her I’d just found this body. Instead of saying, ‘oh that’s terrible, or are you okay’ she IMMEDIATELYstarting talking about the narc, and how I should give her a ring she always asks if she has seen me. So I quite aggressively, and I can only blame this on what had just happened in the thirty minutes since the discovery, I told her, not only would I not be calling her again. I didn’t want this woman running back with a story about me. She is history and will remain so.
Believe me, I’m a doormat. But the fear I have that she slips back into my life again is scary to me. I have even had dreams were she is back, and I don’t know how she weaselled her way back in. I am sickened that I subjected my kids to her presence in our lives, and other members of my family put up with her too.
I tried to help her. But all she did was thankless pull me under, and bleed me dry.
Well done for getting out of that utterly toxic 'friendship'. I'm so sorry you had to find your friend like that, do you have a support system?
I hope it’s ok to post, here. I’ve been on a rollercoaster with a man who I think is a narcissist for about 8 years. It is particularly difficult because we have a child together. I’m autistic so that also makes me vulnerable.
I can honestly say that when I look back at my life with (and without) him, I can’t even really remember what’s happened because it’s so confusing.
Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? From when we started dating, the relationship was on this kind of loop - he would say he really loved me and everything seemed to be going great. And then he would up and leave because ‘we’re not right for each other’. Much later, I discovered that he was actually running between me and his ex the whole time. Sometimes, when he was going back to her, he would accuse me of doing something which he knew was a lie to give him the excuse to dump and block me. Then a few months later, he’d be back.
It was always him who left me, once when our child was 3 weeks old. The other woman in the triangle ended things for good with him when he told her he had got me pregnant (so he says). That seems to be true because the only time he didn’t up and leave was when our child was in utero.
I have found that he gets angry with me if we don’t agree about something and uses it as an excuse to break up with me. He has spent the last year pursuing me again and trying to get me back but he won’t do anything to show he’s committed.
So I say to him ‘if you want me back, you would need to show that you love me and be able to explain what has changed’ , to this he says that I’m trying to force a relationship(!) I said ‘you’re the one chasing me!’
I have noticed that any friendships he has are fairly short lived. If he makes a new friend, it’s only a matter of time before they seem to fall out with him. One of his adult child also doesn’t speak to him.
Lately, he has started bomb me with articles about ‘signs of a controlling person’ and listing all the ones that ‘fit’ me.
My whole family can’t stand him. I have this cognitive dissonance going on. I know I need to stop this cycle but it hard. Thanks for reading if anyone has!
I can honestly say that when I look back at my life with (and without) him, I can’t even really remember what’s happened because it’s so confusing.
Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? From when we started dating, the relationship was on this kind of loop - he would say he really loved me and everything seemed to be going great. And then he would up and leave because ‘we’re not right for each other’. Much later, I discovered that he was actually running between me and his ex the whole time. Sometimes, when he was going back to her, he would accuse me of doing something which he knew was a lie to give him the excuse to dump and block me. Then a few months later, he’d be back.
It was always him who left me, once when our child was 3 weeks old. The other woman in the triangle ended things for good with him when he told her he had got me pregnant (so he says). That seems to be true because the only time he didn’t up and leave was when our child was in utero.
I have found that he gets angry with me if we don’t agree about something and uses it as an excuse to break up with me. He has spent the last year pursuing me again and trying to get me back but he won’t do anything to show he’s committed.
So I say to him ‘if you want me back, you would need to show that you love me and be able to explain what has changed’ , to this he says that I’m trying to force a relationship(!) I said ‘you’re the one chasing me!’
I have noticed that any friendships he has are fairly short lived. If he makes a new friend, it’s only a matter of time before they seem to fall out with him. One of his adult child also doesn’t speak to him.
Lately, he has started bomb me with articles about ‘signs of a controlling person’ and listing all the ones that ‘fit’ me.
My whole family can’t stand him. I have this cognitive dissonance going on. I know I need to stop this cycle but it hard. Thanks for reading if anyone has!
Don't go back you are not the problem. Speak to a domestic violence service! They deal with emotional abuse regularly and are the best equipped to deal with your suitation!
Most of these services are free but please don't go back to him without speaking with someone at least a few times.
My advice, Stay free & don't engage!
You are feeling confused as you are trying to make sense of abuse. That is very common
Whether he is a narcissist or not you know that, * he is emotionally abusive (constantly changing his mind, accusing you of the things he does)
* he lies
* he cheats
* he manipulates you
* he cannot maintain normal relationships
* he demeans you
There is nothing good here. Only a history, which often pulls victims In. You should read up about trauma bonding. You are in a loop of trying to fix something unfixable
You need to go no or low contact and work on why you are stuck on someone who treats you badly. The emotional rollercoaster is not better than nothing.
This isn’t normal and it isn’t love
Thanks for your replies. He has this way of making me feel that it will all be different next time. But it never is and lately I’ve noticed that he even literally imagines that I’ve said things I haven’t even said.
in the past, I have tried to get distance with him by using a parenting app. But he refuses to use it.
in the past, I have tried to get distance with him by using a parenting app. But he refuses to use it.
that is really tricky. But shows he does not respect you or boundaries. Is there a third party you can use? How old is your child?
---
he isn’t imagining btw he is LYING to emotionally abuse you
Our child is 4. There isn’t a third party I can use because he refuses to engage with any of them.
I want to make it clear that the only reason I haven’t gone the legal route in all this is that I am afraid of family court. These days judges side with abusive fathers no matter what they’ve done - I hear it all the time. And Cafcass writes dishonest reports in their ‘fact finding’. So everything stays on too informal a basis which allows him to keep on trying to reestablish the relationship.
I absolutely second this. These people are not simply confused or misinterpreting things. They are liars who create things to cause you to become conflicted emotionally and to destabilise your sense of reality. It is a manipulative coercive technique and one that makes those who display it particularly dangerous. I wasted years of my life in absolute anguish trying to help and support someone like this. He's still going even though we are now divorced which is stressful at times but the peace I now feel on a day to day basis makes that worthwhile.
this is 110% coercive control. I agree you should get in touch with domestic violence services
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
you deserve better than a controlling, abusive co parent and you definitely deserve better than one as a partner
if you think it is better for your child, an emotionally wrecked distracted mum is not
you deserve to be happy
(I would also say if you ever find yourself wondering if your partner is abusive the answer is yes, those thoughts do not arise in safe and loving relationships, even ones which end)
As a survivor of a narcissist, I tell you one thing: run and don't look back!
4 years ago I broke up with him, after yeaaaars literally loosing my mind. He tried as always to contact me, manipulate people who knew me.. I cut all contact with them too. And now I'm FREE and happily living a beautiful life with an amazing man. A life I didn't knew was possible, a life he made me convinced that I'm not worth it. I am worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Get in touch with domestic violence services and RUN.
4 years ago I broke up with him, after yeaaaars literally loosing my mind. He tried as always to contact me, manipulate people who knew me.. I cut all contact with them too. And now I'm FREE and happily living a beautiful life with an amazing man. A life I didn't knew was possible, a life he made me convinced that I'm not worth it. I am worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Get in touch with domestic violence services and RUN.
I am currently going through a breakup.
Together almost 6 years and it’s been bad for 3 of them.
He never spent any time with me outside of the home, always puts me down and nothing is ever good enough that I do for him.
He is verbally abusive. Calls me a bleep etc. Says I am too emotional. I am always walking on egg shells, not knowing what version of him I’m going to get.
There was an incident on holiday where he trashed the hotel room when drunk and I had to go and get another as I was scared. He turned it onto me and said I abandoned him in a foreign country.
He is the one who has ended it. We had a row over the fact he can plan nights out with his mates but can’t ever commit to anything with me. He said he can’t handle being in a relationship and wants to be on his own.
I know it’s all wrong but I love him. I’ve spent the whole week begging him not to leave. He’s reacted to that with verbal abuse.
I know my life is likely to be better without him but I just miss who he was and what this could have been. Even if the good times were years ago.
Together almost 6 years and it’s been bad for 3 of them.
He never spent any time with me outside of the home, always puts me down and nothing is ever good enough that I do for him.
He is verbally abusive. Calls me a bleep etc. Says I am too emotional. I am always walking on egg shells, not knowing what version of him I’m going to get.
There was an incident on holiday where he trashed the hotel room when drunk and I had to go and get another as I was scared. He turned it onto me and said I abandoned him in a foreign country.
He is the one who has ended it. We had a row over the fact he can plan nights out with his mates but can’t ever commit to anything with me. He said he can’t handle being in a relationship and wants to be on his own.
I know it’s all wrong but I love him. I’ve spent the whole week begging him not to leave. He’s reacted to that with verbal abuse.
I know my life is likely to be better without him but I just miss who he was and what this could have been. Even if the good times were years ago.
The fact you replied in this thread shows you do know what the problem is. He is emotionally abusive, physically threatening you (trashing a room).
I suggest you read about trauma bonding.
Why do you think you are begging to have him back? The good bits don’t excuse the bad bits and they become less and less.
Please escape now
OMG in 6 years you will look back at this and will want to slap yourself to wake up (I personally want to slap 6 years go me!)
Good riddance!! the man he used to be will NEVER come back. He is dead. Gone. May he rest in peace! There is the rest of your life waiting for you
Go live it! you will see that it's worth the heartache that you're feeling now 
I've been listening to a podcast today by Caroline Strawson - Trauma and Narcissim redefined. It's really helpful. I've been aware my ex had some sort of personality disorder but I was never entirely sure if it was narcissism because the word is thrown around all over the place that days. I now realise it is, covert mostly.
What they say about no real progress trauma wise happening whilst the legalities of divorce are happening are so true. I'd already made the link between why I ended up with him, to things that happened in my childhood and to some extent why, when things become difficult I revert to re-living past traumas. However, I felt I've learnt something today from the podcasts.
I feel I've had to stagger my exposure to this type of stuff because I just haven't been able to process it all until now. I'm also aware that it's approaching the time of year I told him I wanted us to separate and I'm recognising how things are triggering me quite extensively as opposed to the triggering happening without me realising what had caused it (if that makes sense).
One thing Caroline says is that she views CPTSD as a temporary mental health injury. It is possible to recover. Obviously this won't be the case for everyone but I thought it was quite a helpful way to view things. A way to give people their control back and feel less stuck maybe.
I hope this is helpful to someone.
What they say about no real progress trauma wise happening whilst the legalities of divorce are happening are so true. I'd already made the link between why I ended up with him, to things that happened in my childhood and to some extent why, when things become difficult I revert to re-living past traumas. However, I felt I've learnt something today from the podcasts.
I feel I've had to stagger my exposure to this type of stuff because I just haven't been able to process it all until now. I'm also aware that it's approaching the time of year I told him I wanted us to separate and I'm recognising how things are triggering me quite extensively as opposed to the triggering happening without me realising what had caused it (if that makes sense).
One thing Caroline says is that she views CPTSD as a temporary mental health injury. It is possible to recover. Obviously this won't be the case for everyone but I thought it was quite a helpful way to view things. A way to give people their control back and feel less stuck maybe.
I hope this is helpful to someone.