Narcissist Survivor Thread

[Sunflower91]

Can anyone recommend any resources to work out if my ex was a Narc?

We broke up around 3 weeks ago- in a kind of mututal way. He sent me a text saying he needed to be single and go travel and he’s “got over things” basically breaking up with me whereas I went through the following day and said I didn’t want to be with him either because of how he’s been making me feel.

Now he seems to fit some of the criteria but not all. For instance he doesn’t seemed to be filled with self importance but he does make everything about him and his needs. He was emotionless when we broke up and as though all the times I felt love from him were fabricated because he was just happy to be out after covid. He massively flipped when I asked for my money back for a holiday and threatened small claims- I’ve never seen rage like it. And he can’t take criticism- whenever I brought up things like how his random breakdowns had made me feel, he’d either challenge or deflect to something he could try and attack me with.
Basically he’s now been in touch with my brother in law asking to go biking together as though everything is fine because he’s fine. He met my BIL maybe 4 times, they weren’t friends but they got along. It’s really unnerved me. I’m trying to basically arm myself for whatever is next.

 

[Reflected view]

I’m married to a narcissist …it’s a weird relationship but I’m used to it now. You learn strategies to handle them over time I find.

Hey I’m very interested to know what strategies you do/use, I think my husband may be a narcissist

 

[quipawiticism]

I am so glad that this thread exists. I am currently struggling with a break up with a narcissist of my own. Basically, over the years she did her best to cut me off from close friends that could see through her bull. So now when it's all said and done I am very much alone. Left to sit with guilt and shame over how I didn't realize what was happening. She is very much self involved and liked to remind me of how great she is. She emotionally abused me to the point that I had a full on mental breakdown. And then she made me feel guilty about it. She was controlling to the point that I began hiding things from her to avoid an argument and then when she'd find out would lose her absolute mind.

She's currently trying to "hoover" me back into her orbit. I blocked her number and so she sent me an email. Luckily I don't have social media so an email was really the only way to go about it. Now, I have been dealing with some unstable mental health because of all of this, so I gave in and we have been talking on and off again. The trauma bond is unfortunately very strong and I am having to go to therapy weekly in order to be able to move on.

It truly is horrible, as they are insidious and the lovebombing at the beginning is all too effective.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

My narc has tried to come back into my life after a month (where is blatantly told me he never wanted to see me again)
Before I would have been so happy to see him return, but this time I did alot or soul searching and I'm having therapy. So now I feel a bit more in control and I also have done all my research about narcissists. I haven't engaged this time and I feel so much better about it

 

[quipawiticism]

@NoseyNiamh I am hoping to get to the point soon too. I was so happy to see her come back but all she's done is play with my head and ignore me, only to pop up again and fill my heart with false hope. I know I am 100% better off without her or people like her in my life. How long has it taken you to start to feel better?

 

[NoseyNiamh]

@NoseyNiamh I am hoping to get to the point soon too. I was so happy to see her come back but all she's done is play with my head and ignore me, only to pop up again and fill my heart with false hope. I know I am 100% better off without her or people like her in my life. How long has it taken you to start to feel better?

I went through 3 years of this, him coming and going. It really affected my mental health and each time he disappeared I'd grieve the end of us, but a few weeks later he'd show up and he'd get it in to my head that he needs me in my life (the love bombing period) so I was back supplying him what he needed. Things would be great for a while and then he'd turn nasty and just disappear classic narcissist behaviour.
This time it was different. I was so ill for two weeks when he called things off, I couldn't get out of bed, I dropped so much weight and I was feeling the lowest I ever felt.
Therapy is helping and I have done so much research about narcissists that I now realise none of this was my fault. I recognise all the signs now.
I never want to feel bad again because of someone like him.
I have had to draw a line under it for my mental and physical health.

 

[quipawiticism]

@NoseyNiamh Oh my goodness. I feel like I could have written your post myself! The ups and downs have been so hard to handle that I have become physically ill as well. I can barely eat, I feel worthless and my work life has definitely suffered. How have you managed to stick to no contact? I think that is the hardest part for me because I am feeling so alone. I want to reach out to her for reassurance (which is INSANE, I am fully aware).

 

[NoseyNiamh]

@NoseyNiamh Oh my goodness. I feel like I could have written your post myself! The ups and downs have been so hard to handle that I have become physically ill as well. I can barely eat, I feel worthless and my work life has definitely suffered. How have you managed to stick to no contact? I think that is the hardest part for me because I am feeling so alone. I want to reach out to her for reassurance (which is INSANE, I am fully aware).

When he finished things this time he was fairly brutal. Narcissists have zero empathy so I knew I was wasting my time contacting him as he really doesn't care about my wellbeing.
I did have a moment of weakness once (wine was involved) and I sent a brief miss you text (like you said, for some kind of reassurance). He messaged something similar back to me. But the next day I felt so crap for being so silly and I swore that would be the last time.
My life is so peaceful now, and this is the longest period in three years that I haven't cried over him.
Even when I thought things were good...they weren't

This sums it up perfectly

 

[prozacprincess]

Hey I’m very interested to know what strategies you do/use, I think my husband may be a narcissist

I think of it as a game and it’s all about how you play it.
I wouldn’t recommend this life to anyone but I’m too invested in it to quit now.

 

[Reflected view]

 

[dxo]

Has anyone had a best friend who was/is a narcissist? We fell out big time a few years ago due to me seeing through her and ultimately her ghosting me and making me feel insane. It's really really effected me though. She of course went into victim mode and bad mouthed me to whoever would listen.

 

[Gossgirl12]

Ive just lost my best friend to her narcissist new boyfriend. I was obviously a threat to him, especially as I could see right through him.
My heart is broken as we were best friends for a long time and I was there for her and her 2 children whenever they needed me. He came along and months later im out the picture.
Ive tried to send out an olive branch (presents for the kids birthdays) and ive not even had so much as a thank you from her.

I completely know how you feel. I lost my best friend of 12 years to a new boyfriend. She hadn't been in 1 relationship the whole time I'd known her, lots of flings but nothing serious but I knew how much she wanted to be loved. She ended up with someone and pregnant after only being together together 3 months. She then told me a few things about things he'd done to her, taking her money for drugs, pushing her in to a wardrobe, forcing her to go for a sti test and she now hasn't spoken to me for over 12 months. She just completely cut me off. We were more than best friends, we were like sisters, did everything together, spoke every day, she was the god mother of my son and she just ditched me, without a care in the world it seems. Felt like I was grieving someone.

 

[mcfeez]

Has anyone had a best friend who was/is a narcissist? We fell out big time a few years ago due to me seeing through her and ultimately her ghosting me and making me feel insane. It's really really effected me though. She of course went into victim mode and bad mouthed me to whoever would listen.

This exact thing happened to me, years ago now. Actually happened twice with the same girl which makes me feel pathetic looking back! It was one of those friendships where she would talk on the phone with me for ages and I'd know all her friends (we went to different unis in different cities) by name but when I named my close uni friends she didn't have a clue as I couldn't get a word in.

Every time I couldn't commit to plans with her was a huge strop and problem. Honestly, it was exhausting being her friend.

 

[Oppyonion]

This exact thing happened to me, years ago now. Actually happened twice with the same girl which makes me feel pathetic looking back! It was one of those friendships where she would talk on the phone with me for ages and I'd know all her friends (we went to different unis in different cities) by name but when I named my close uni friends she didn't have a clue as I couldn't get a word in.

Every time I couldn't commit to plans with her was a huge strop and problem. Honestly, it was exhausting being her friend.

Have the exact same issues with a friend of mine, friends since we were 12, the second I stop paying her attention, or go a few days without messaging her, she’s throwing strops or guilt trips, failing that it’s passive aggressive quotes on social media about friends that don’t bother with her. She is a complete drain for the most part, in an apparent ‘abusive’ relationship that she has gone back to for years, continuously putting him in prison, whilst sleeping with his best friend when he’s in there. She completely plays him and since he has a drug addiction it’s even easier for her to manipulate everyone in to thinking he’s the bad guy. I completely see through it all, the continuous games and selfish behaviour, constantly talking about how awful people are to her keep these life suckers at arms length at all costs, save yourself a smear campaign and edge away gently and quietly would be my advice as they never change!!!

 

[MensaBarbie1985]

I could really use some support. Think this is going to be a very long post though so please bear with me. I was in a long relationship with a narcissist during my twenties which I finally managed to break free from; after years of medication and therapy (I have always suffered from depression and anxiety due to childhood trauma) I was finally in a great place... and then I met 'the love of my life'

I know now that this man was an absolute narcissistic man child who constantly played the victim - nothing was ever his fault and he was of course a wonderful man allegedly. He didn't seem to have many friends or neighbours who he got on with and his ex wife seemed to want to cause trouble for us but when he told me he loved me after two weeks, wanted to get a house together, marry me, have kids I stupidly believed him. It wasn't long before he started playing mind games though and he kept me hanging for months until he finally ended things with me. I had already seen other girls tagging him on Facebook at this point (funnily enough he didn't like me doing that...)

Afterwards I discovered that he had cheated on me repeatedly, including being with someone else when we met, and there was a whole load of stuff his ex-wife had never shared with me including him beating her up and the fact I was number 7 or 8 in a long list of girls he had done the same thing to (he told me he'd only dated one person since). He's now in a relationship with the girl he took out the same day he ended things with me, but I'm really struggling to put them all out of my life. We live in a small town and I feel like I'm having it rubbed in my face. I absolutely would never want him back but I've had her smearing me all over saying that I'm jealous and making me out to be some psychopathic nutcase... she's even been speaking to mutual friends of ours being all smug and saying what a good guy he is and even though they've warned her enough times and she says she doesn't care

I know he will do the same to her and I'll sit back and laugh while it happens but I'm just struggling to get out of the whole situation and move on properly. I'm already having more therapy and taking medications for anxiety and for depression but I just want to forget that they all even exist which is proving so hard... he's being made out to be this amazing man still yet I'm the devil and the rum of the earth and I feel like everyone is laughing at me...

 

[quipawiticism]

@MensaBarbie1985 Your relationship sounds quite similar to the way mine was with my ex. She strung me along for months after she was "done with me" and when I finally asked her point blank if she was seeing someone new she blocked me in every way, shape and form. I imagine she did this to prevent me from finding out who her new supply is, not that I care enough at this point to even look into that. But narcissists always think everyone is so interested in them that they are the centre of everyone's world.

My best advice is to take a breath, continue with your therapy and most importantly hit the block and delete button on him AND all of his apologists. I know that that is difficult especially if you are in a small centre (as you've mentioned). But hear me when I say this. You do not need to be gaslit anymore than you already have been. And when all of these people inevitably figure out who he really is, they will know you were right and by then you will be long gone, over him and on with your life. I

You are more than welcome to message me on here. I'm no stranger to narcissistic abuse recovery. There is also a great community on Quora where you can ask and respond to questions specifically related to recovery and making sense of all thats been done to you.

All my love, you will make it through this, I promise you.

 

[cushtybert]

Has anyone had a best friend who was/is a narcissist? We fell out big time a few years ago due to me seeing through her and ultimately her ghosting me and making me feel insane. It's really really effected me though. She of course went into victim mode and bad mouthed me to whoever would listen.

Yes I have or should I say I had a toxic friendship with a narcissist. They have now blocked me on social media and I must say it’s a huge relief.
my last conversation was of them having a go at me again for no reason and I had enough so I ended the call, they then tried to call me back and I ignored it then they blocked me on everything. It’s exhausting and makes you question your sanity at times. It annoys me that I still get upset over it

 

[Bettyboo2475]

My narcissist is my mum. I’m at the point now at 46 with 2 children of my own to walk away. Has anyone done this with a parent?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My narcissist is my mum. I’m at the point now at 46 with 2 children of my own to walk away. Has anyone done this with a parent?

Yes me, I stopped contacting my narcissistic dad in March. Hardest but best thing I ever did and my guilt is easing

 

[GiggleBee]

I completely know how you feel. I lost my best friend of 12 years to a new boyfriend. She hadn't been in 1 relationship the whole time I'd known her, lots of flings but nothing serious but I knew how much she wanted to be loved. She ended up with someone and pregnant after only being together together 3 months. She then told me a few things about things he'd done to her, taking her money for drugs, pushing her in to a wardrobe, forcing her to go for a sti test and she now hasn't spoken to me for over 12 months. She just completely cut me off. We were more than best friends, we were like sisters, did everything together, spoke every day, she was the god mother of my son and she just ditched me, without a care in the world it seems. Felt like I was grieving someone.

Thats exactly how I feel. I was the godmother of her two children and we were like sisters too.

Is she still with the guy? I hope she gets out for her sake and the babies.
As far as Im aware my friends still with her guy, shes been seen with L plates on her car so I assume shes teaching him to drive