Narcissist Survivor Thread

[no-no]

I’m still trying to see the wood for the trees with my narc friend - but did anyone else have what I can only describe as a post conversation dysmorphia? This person would ring me up and talk all about their life that just bared absolutely no resemblance to reality to the point where you’d come off thinking what is my life cos this doesn’t make sense? Like they would openly discuss entirely fabricated salaries and plans to purchase xyz, people pestering her to have kids despite a separation after a few months of marriage, that marriage was the best ever until 4 months in then he was basically Fred west, like I’d come off wondering what the duck my address even was it was so much to process? Is this a thing with narcs?!

Absolutely! Lookup “crazymaking” and narcissistic fantasy, they’re compulsive liars and use fantasies to cope with stress. I have a narc who will recount stuff that flat out didn’t happen or they are recalling it like “the good old days”, totally oblivious to the drama they caused.

It’s also pointless arguing with them over anything like this, I would really limit your interaction with them if you can. Or go ‘grey rock’ (the narc community has so many mad little terms, ha). I’m sure Dr Ramani has a number of videos on this subject.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Absolutely! Lookup “crazymaking” and narcissistic fantasy, they’re compulsive liars and use fantasies to cope with stress. I have a narc who will recount stuff that flat out didn’t happen or they are recalling it like “the good old days”, totally oblivious to the drama they caused.

It’s also pointless arguing with them over anything like this, I would really limit your interaction with them if you can. Or go ‘grey rock’ (the narc community has so many mad little terms, ha). I’m sure Dr Ramani has a number of videos on this subject.

This is such an interesting comment thank you and I’ll google grey rock, I’ve had to go complete cold turkey as the narc rage when I fell pregnant was insane - pages and pages of abusive messages it was really shocking.

Friends used to ask why I never called her out on the stories and I said because I feel sorry for her like no one does this because they’re happy with their set in life? But it just started getting worse and worse and worse, like in our early 20s it was silly stuff like tinder date stories that are ultimately inconsequential then it got weird with her feigning medical issues or like you said, re telling stories entirely inaccurately to the point where it couldn’t just be a misunderstanding/mishear it was an entirely new agenda? Even writing this out I’m creeped out by the whole thing and the fact I was ever exposed to it.

 

[no-no]

This is such an interesting comment thank you and I’ll google grey rock, I’ve had to go complete cold turkey as the narc rage when I fell pregnant was insane - pages and pages of abusive messages it was really shocking.

Friends used to ask why I never called her out on the stories and I said because I feel sorry for her like no one does this because they’re happy with their set in life? But it just started getting worse and worse and worse, like in our early 20s it was silly stuff like tinder date stories that are ultimately inconsequential then it got weird with her feigning medical issues or like you said, re telling stories entirely inaccurately to the point where it couldn’t just be a misunderstanding/mishear it was an entirely new agenda? Even writing this out I’m creeped out by the whole thing and the fact I was ever exposed to it.

You’re welcome Sorry you had to go through that whilst pregnant It is a fascinating subject to read up on, and not in a mawkish sense, but the reliable sources really educate you on protecting yourself from these individuals.

 

[GiggleBee]

Ive just lost my best friend to her narcissist new boyfriend. I was obviously a threat to him, especially as I could see right through him.
My heart is broken as we were best friends for a long time and I was there for her and her 2 children whenever they needed me. He came along and months later im out the picture.
Ive tried to send out an olive branch (presents for the kids birthdays) and ive not even had so much as a thank you from her.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Ive just lost my best friend to her narcissist new boyfriend. I was obviously a threat to him, especially as I could see right through him.
My heart is broken as we were best friends for a long time and I was there for her and her 2 children whenever they needed me. He came along and months later im out the picture.
Ive tried to send out an olive branch (presents for the kids birthdays) and ive not even had so much as a thank you from her.

How long have they been together? I had a similar situation with my friend

 

[GiggleBee]

How long have they been together? I had a similar situation with my friend

Theyve only been together since January. Sadly he only lost his wife last September aswell so its all very rushed if you ask me.

The last time I spoke to her was May time, not heard anything since, all because I cared and sent a message to her sister saying I was worried about her because her behaviour had changed drastically. Apprently I was interfering in her life and she doesnt need friends like that

 

[lurkingaround123]

They've only been together since January. Sadly he only lost his wife last September as well so its all very rushed if you ask me.

The last time I spoke to her was May time, not heard anything since, all because I cared and sent a message to her sister saying I was worried about her because her behaviour had changed drastically. Apparently I was interfering in her life and she doesn't need friends like that

I have been the woman in the relationship with a narc and then the friend being cut out a few years later. It is hard as a friend because it is such a betrayal and you can see clearly there is no reason for them cutting you out. My friend reached out to me after her narc flipped during an argument and broke up with her, with the intention of acting like a complete saint a few days later and taking her back out of the kindness of his own heart . She got back with him but quickly realised this was never gonna improve after having a clear conversation with me about why his behaviour is wrong. I hope your friend gets a moment of clarity like that and reaches out. I completely get it feels a bit rubbish being abandoned and picked back up though

 

[GiggleBee]

I have been the woman in the relationship with a narc and then the friend being cut out a few years later. It is hard as a friend because it is such a betrayal and you can see clearly there is no reason for them cutting you out. My friend reached out to me after her narc flipped during an argument and broke up with her, with the intention of acting like a complete saint a few days later and taking her back out of the kindness of his own heart . She got back with him but quickly realised this was never gonna improve after having a clear conversation with me about why his behaviour is wrong. I hope your friend gets a moment of clarity like that and reaches out. I completely get it feels a bit rubbish being abandoned and picked back up though

Im sorry to hear you've been through it aswell.
I honestly dont beleive ill hear from this friend again. A part of me wonders if she feels guilty for what shes done and thats why she couldn't even say thank you for the birthday presents.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Im sorry to hear you've been through it aswell.
I honestly dont beleive ill hear from this friend again. A part of me wonders if she feels guilty for what shes done and thats why she couldn't even say thank you for the birthday presents.

I bet she does! There's people I am still scared of the thought of seeing now 8 years on from leaving my abusive relationship, because I am convinced they must think I am so weird for just vanishing, and I completely get why they wouldn't want to reach out to me after me doing that to them with seemingly no reason.

 

[GiggleBee]

I bet she does! There's people I am still scared of the thought of seeing now 8 years on from leaving my abusive relationship, because I am convinced they must think I am so weird for just vanishing, and I completely get why they wouldn't want to reach out to me after me doing that to them with seemingly no reason.

If it helps from the other side, I wouldnt be angry or upset if she contacted me. We will never be as close as we once was (I used to have her kids for sleepovers, she would come round with them for dinner, we would go to theatre shows ect together) but I would love to know she and especially the children are okay.

 

[lurkingaround123]

If it helps from the other side, I wouldnt be angry or upset if she contacted me. We will never be as close as we once was (I used to have her kids for sleepovers, she would come round with them for dinner, we would go to theatre shows ect together) but I would love to know she and especially the children are okay.

Its so horrible looking at what you had with someone like that isn't it I really hope she does contact you. Will you continue with cards etc? I don't think I would because it is such a slap in the face, and at the same time as you knowing she's going through things, you have to think of yourself and how you feel too

 

[GiggleBee]

Its so horrible looking at what you had with someone like that isn't it I really hope she does contact you. Will you continue with cards etc? I don't think I would because it is such a slap in the face, and at the same time as you knowing she's going through things, you have to think of yourself and how you feel too

I was planning on continuing with cards /gifts if she had contacted me because at the end of the day the children are innocent on all of this. I personally now don't think theyll even see the card/present so im now thinking its just a waste of money.

 

[Renata]

She will be back when it goes sour.

I think you’re being way too nice about this. A simple thank you text takes 30 seconds & means the world to the sender, if she cannot manage that I find that selfish & unkind.

 

[GiggleBee]

She will be back when it goes sour.

I think you’re being way too nice about this. A simple thank you text takes 30 seconds & means the world to the sender, if she cannot manage that I find that selfish & unkind.

Thats always been my issue, Im to nice. I keep saying Ill delete her off facebook but im like 'well, Ill give her a day to message' then it's a week and then its when it's the kids birthday ect .
I dont want her to message me then find out ive deleted her. I honestly don't know why Im like this

 

[Oppyonion]

I’m still trying to see the wood for the trees with my narc friend - but did anyone else have what I can only describe as a post conversation dysmorphia? This person would ring me up and talk all about their life that just bared absolutely no resemblance to reality to the point where you’d come off thinking what is my life cos this doesn’t make sense? Like they would openly discuss entirely fabricated salaries and plans to purchase xyz, people pestering her to have kids despite a separation after a few months of marriage, that marriage was the best ever until 4 months in then he was basically Fred west, like I’d come off wondering what the duck my address even was it was so much to process? Is this a thing with narcs?!

You never get a word in edgeways and most of their conversation will always resort back
To ‘victim’ mentality, they do this thing where they will run conversations round you in circles so you kind of feel confusion, they are very draining!! You are their supply......

 

[prozacprincess]

I’m married to a narcissist …it’s a weird relationship but I’m used to it now. You learn strategies to handle them over time I find.

 

[GiggleBee]

Thats always been my issue, Im to nice. I keep saying Ill delete her off facebook but im like 'well, Ill give her a day to message' then it's a week and then its when it's the kids birthday ect .
I dont want her to message me then find out ive deleted her. I honestly don't know why Im like this

Thanks to this thread I did it and deleted her from face book. I feel so much better.

 

[leoladyxo]

I left my narcissist ex a year ago to the week. I was with him for 3.5 years. I jumped straight into another relationship on the rebound and that ended after 4 months. I was then forced to confront both breakups at the same time.

This process took me months. I have had intensive therapy to cope with the trauma experienced at the hands of the narcissist. He grape me - I was not on contraception and he ejaculated inside me without my consent during lockdown. I was shielding so wasn’t meant to leave the house but I had to to go and get the morning after pill. In addition to this he would gaslight me and tell me that conversations hadn’t happened or that I was remembering them incorrectly. I wasn’t. He regularly told me that I should be grateful for the love he gave me as who else would want to?

Therapy for my self esteem has helped. I still go every couple of weeks. I can see the improvement in myself. I was groomed by a paedophile online when I was 14 and I think this is what has made me vulnerable to abusive partners. I get taken in by the initial phase of care and compliments and safety, all for the rug to be pulled, but I’m already codependent. I had been dating someone for the last month who pulled the rug from underneath me completely a couple of days ago in a similar way before ending it completely.

Please know that if you ever question whether any part of the abuse you suffered was your own fault, it wasn’t. There is never an excuse for what narcissists do.

 

[1fullnappy]

I left my narcissist ex a year ago to the week. I was with him for 3.5 years. I jumped straight into another relationship on the rebound and that ended after 4 months. I was then forced to confront both breakups at the same time.

This process took me months. I have had intensive therapy to cope with the trauma experienced at the hands of the narcissist. He grape me - I was not on contraception and he ejaculated inside me without my consent during lockdown. I was shielding so wasn’t meant to leave the house but I had to to go and get the morning after pill. In addition to this he would gaslight me and tell me that conversations hadn’t happened or that I was remembering them incorrectly. I wasn’t. He regularly told me that I should be grateful for the love he gave me as who else would want to?

Therapy for my self esteem has helped. I still go every couple of weeks. I can see the improvement in myself. I was groomed by a paedophile online when I was 14 and I think this is what has made me vulnerable to abusive partners. I get taken in by the initial phase of care and compliments and safety, all for the rug to be pulled, but I’m already codependent. I had been dating someone for the last month who pulled the rug from underneath me completely a couple of days ago in a similar way before ending it completely.

Please know that if you ever question whether any part of the abuse you suffered was your own fault, it wasn’t. There is never an excuse for what narcissists do.

I'm so sorry you've had these experiences leoladyxo. I couldn't imagine how hard that would've been to go through particularly whilst in lockdown and having limited access to outside resources. It's absolutely horrible that people can justify treating others this way. I'm super proud of you for recognising your worth and reaching out to work through the trauma you've been carrying! That would have been so hard to do... You sound extremely self-aware and your ability to reflect on past experiences and how they've affected you is so impressive. I hope you are being kind to yourself during these times!!

When you mentioned struggling with codependency - I really resonated with that. So often these kinds of people gravitate towards us like a moth to flames because we are willing to be vulnerable with our pasts and want to love, be loved, and have a true connection so badly that we're willing to try anything to make it work. The way that these people use our traumas and vulnerability against us in order to gain control is so cruel. The way that they pride themselves on being able to distort our reality is equally as cruel.

The final part of your post is so true. We so often can justify these behaviours to ourselves because we can't understand at the time why people would even want to do this to others and hurt them the way that they do. The gaslighting can make it so difficult to even work out what is or isn't happening and really warps a person's perception about whether or not they are justified for not being okay with certain behaviours and saying "no, I deserve more than this".

Thank you for sharing your experiences! I really hope this is the end of that cycle for you because you deserve so much more than what you have experienced thus far. Wishing you nothing but the best on your journey! big hugs!! xo

 

[leoladyxo]

I'm so sorry you've had these experiences leoladyxo. I couldn't imagine how hard that would've been to go through particularly whilst in lockdown and having limited access to outside resources. It's absolutely horrible that people can justify treating others this way. I'm super proud of you for recognising your worth and reaching out to work through the trauma you've been carrying! That would have been so hard to do... You sound extremely self-aware and your ability to reflect on past experiences and how they've affected you is so impressive. I hope you are being kind to yourself during these times!!

When you mentioned struggling with codependency - I really resonated with that. So often these kinds of people gravitate towards us like a moth to flames because we are willing to be vulnerable with our pasts and want to love, be loved, and have a true connection so badly that we're willing to try anything to make it work. The way that these people use our traumas and vulnerability against us in order to gain control is so cruel. The way that they pride themselves on being able to distort our reality is equally as cruel.

The final part of your post is so true. We so often can justify these behaviours to ourselves because we can't understand at the time why people would even want to do this to others and hurt them the way that they do. The gaslighting can make it so difficult to even work out what is or isn't happening and really warps a person's perception about whether or not they are justified for not being okay with certain behaviours and saying "no, I deserve more than this".

Thank you for sharing your experiences! I really hope this is the end of that cycle for you because you deserve so much more than what you have experienced thus far. Wishing you nothing but the best on your journey! big hugs!! xo

Thank you for your kind words. I’m big on trying to understand why I act the way I do - and anyone else for that matter.

I regularly wobble but I find comfort in my therapist, close friends and certain corners of the Internet.