Hometime #36. It opens with Mark dancing.
He looks constipated. Nadia is working out at the gym. She is in the prone position, has something weighty on her pelvis, bands around her knees. She pushes her pelvis up, then opens her knees. Not necessarily attractive, but it is worse with all the sound effects that husband of her's puts in.
Seriously, it is not funny. Betty playing Cards Against Humanity. Mark is laughing his arse off and Maddie asks what's my secret power? Eating an boiled egg out of my husband's arse. Laughing hysterically. AD. This is boring. Mark is lying on the floor of that rental in Camber Sands with one of the couch pillows on the floor.
More footage of Nadia at the gym. She accomplishes 1 push-up whilst on the Swiss ball.
Unless you have been out of commission, how hard is it to do a push-up on a Swiss ball? She fell off the ball trying to do a second one. She has a challenge for herself, to do 40 press-ups.
Good luck with that. AD. Girls night out, remember when she took her crew to see, I dunno what? Shot of them showing off their bellies and trying to undulate them unsuccessfully. Honourary chick Lee is there making faces at the camera.
Now a shot of Nanny Di going up stairs.
I can't believe I am going to type this. She has some bottles in her left hand, a mug of tea and something on a plate in the other. She puts them on a step, takes a step up, places mug and plate up a step, takes another step, etc, etc., until she screams because Mark is spying on her. Mark and that nasty laugh of his squealling "What are you doing?" Nanny Di wants to sit on the bed and watch the news. Mark gives us a shot of that tip of a room AKA the walk-in. You can't see the floor. Nanny Di has had her hair cut. She now looks like an elderly man, the transition is complete. Mark now has the dad he always wanted.
Nanny Di wanders into the walk-in and says that Mark engineered this.
No Nanny Di, that takes effort. Mark can only muster putting masks over his head. "No way, no way, you can't even get into the room. OH MY GOOOOOOD!! Mark pans the room. "Mark, this is a problem."
Says the woman who has stuff piled up to her ceiling. This family is the blind leading the blind. "I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it would be that bad...how does she find anything?" AD. They shut the door. We are back in that cess pool of the room. Nadia is tiding it, you can see some of the floor now, because she has stuff piled up on her vanity stool. Nadia says it has taken her days to face it.
Nadia asks when Mark thinks it will be a mess again. "Same time next week... you may as well just leave it."
Please refer to my last bolded comment. She says she cawn't because she can't find anything and he insists she just leave it.
I would say he might be using reverse psychology on her but...no.
More filler shots of Nadia in the gym. She is working her arms. Nadia has a new exercise. Rachel her trainer shows us another press-up. Your arms are on a step or platform, you slowly bend those arms down till you are flat, then use the arms to push your upper body up again. So Nadia has a go as the trainer says slow, slow, slow. She manages half way, but then faceplants.
To get back up, she just pushes her body into child's pose and starts again. "We didn't want to do it babe" says Nadia in the car with her hair sticking up. Mark says he feels ghastly.
Ah, so the inside matches the outside now. Annoying music plays and they go into town to check out the queue for the Queen. BFI has footage of the Queen on a big screen. "Imagine jumping the queue, how that would go down" says Mark every the provocateur. Nadia doesn't take the bait. AD. Cue the maudlin music and the slo-mo shots of people in the queue. Mark says if he was in London as a tourist he would join the queue, Nadia says no. Lisa told Nads about her experience going to see the Queen lying in state, how magical it was. Nadia thought she should go, but now seeing the queue, it annoys her.
Lazy bint. Nadia continues on saying she couldn't imagine her daughters doing anything like this.
Neither can we. "Reverential, reverential that's the word", I doubt Mark can spell it. Choir music and slo-mo again with Nadia bouncing beside him, wearing her "I'm on the telly don't you know" sunnies. Westminster, London Eye, the Thames, Nadia looking whistful in slo-mo at the Thames, wind blowing through her fur trim.
It's all so dramatic. Mark is really putting some effort into this one. Enough of Nadia, back to Big Ben.
Back to these two walking. "There's a definite reverential air" says Mr. Almost PhD. Now Nadia says she is really, really glad she is London.
Does he have hot flashes? He is in a tee and she is wearing her winter jacket. Nadia says that Lisa was pissed she was up in Manchester as her friends had seen the first procession. Mark goes on about London pulling together, you forget class, you forget where you're from, who you are, "You're all just Londoners."
Nadia says it's a shame "we can't do it more on a day to day life in London." Mark says precisely. More moody music, it's evening now, shot down the Mall, police, news reporters.
Next morning and a bunch of police walking down the street.
Nadia feels safe to be in London now. They both say they've never seen that many police altogether. Nadia says they have only been on the Strand for a few mins and she is emotional, trying to squeeze out that tear.
Oh come on, did they not tell you to have menthol in your hankie at Italia Conti? She starts talking abou the police being there and when you need them they are somewhere else.
"Wouldn't it be nice to see police walking down the street?" Mark says they are there. She laughs and says "That's what I mean." Mark hates Trafalgar Square and hates the Strand FYI. AD. They mention people selling souvenir programmes.
WTF? Mark says he doubts they will see anything and Nads says it's about the atmosphere. They walk past the Ritz and the Rivoli bar. Nadia says it is so pretty in there and if you want to save up for a special occasion the afternoon is Betty's fave and the bar. BOTTLENECK! Hyde Park corner. AD! They don't want to watch on the screen or else they would have stayed at home. Forty-five mins of walking and everything is close.
Whomp, whomp. Plan B-Hyde Park watching the screen with others, it's still an event. Mark pans the crowd as the pipers play. The march past Buck Palace and the cannons going off. They say it was moving and just to let you know THEY AREN'T ROYALISTS.
"It was beautiful wasn't it?" When they sang "God Save the King" Nadia cried.
Mark has to remind us that they aren't monarchists, but it is a part of London history.
Dude weren't you born in Birmingham or around about there? Poseur. Shot of some police vans with sirens going by.
Some days later it says with music blasting my eardrums. Oh God it's this dumbass muthafucka dancing and making weird faces again. The camera angle makes him looking stumpier than usual. If MI6 wants to torture any terrorist, make them watch this
tit. I'm done.
