Coffee Moaning for Saturday and are you ready for this nonsense? Title is "Food Shortages & Russia, Going to Toilets in Lessons, STRICTLY No Dancing?!" The chatters are chatting and one of them hopes Mark is in a silly mood. Yes, really. Who are these people?
Jesus Christ my ears!!! I have Nadia shouting/singing piper green, piper green in my ears.
That fuckwit she calls a husband has a hat on indoors and
dancing if you could call it that. So that's my ears and eyes assaulted for the day. "Look at how slim Mark looks. Look at how handsome looks with a hat on."
"I love him in that hat, but he won't wear it, because he says he looks like a prat."
Stop blaming the hat, IT'S YOU! He is still dancing in the background. Nads asks to put down prat if he looks like one.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel today. "And if he looks hot, put hot. Let me see." Mark is embarassed. "I think he looks so hot." So it is pumping Mark's tires today it looks like. Nicola says hot prat. "What are you doing now?" asks Mark "Have you any sense of what is going on?" Nadia is trying on a new pair of glasses, so nevermind the audience. Roll call. Daniella says prat. Nadia tries on a couple of pairs and looks at herself on the screen. Next Friday on the PCJ Insta account you could win cinema tickets. "And popcorn" says Nadia, but Mark says they don't. Nadia says you have a good chance of winning as the account is sweet (small), you aren't competing against thousands of people.
"Well there are thousands of people" says Mark. Nadia says people are very lazy though.
Speak for yourself Nads. Scratch, scratch as Nadia says how expensive the cinema is. So this free vouchers deal is every fortnight, if you're interested of course. "Mark went up to the cinema, bought the vouchers himself and didn't buy them online." Isn't Mark a big boy now?
Sara just got back from the Cotswolds and now it is back to reality.
Back to life, back to reality..
Nadia says it was just the same for her coming back from Cornwall, her 3rd trip in 2.5 months.
Nadia asks if Mark had 2 double espressos, he says only the one. He is half way through a second double. "Oh Hazel is off to Cyprus on Monday" laments Nads.
I feel like I am the only person not going anywhere. Mark asks Nads how she is and that she looks lovely, "Give us a twirl." Nads is wearing a cobalt blue looks like cotton dress, big and baggy. Mark asks if she has anything on under that and to pull it up. He gets shot down and told she is not telling him. "A little frisson of excitement there guys."
That is 2 barfing emojis now. Mark has stuck something on his forehead as Nadia asks him if she likes the dress or if he thinks "Oh no, I'm married to someone who wears dresses."
What is that supposed to mean? "I think your dresses are summery, light and just fresh." Nadia is not convinced. "This colour reminds me of Greece."
She is getting all affectionate with him now.
Mark says he likes the pink one,"especially when the wind catches it..." Maaark. "Ruth Blandford 'So many new dramas starting soon.' and most of those are in Nadia's knickers!" MAAAAARRKK!!! OH. MY. GAWD!
Sam says she never believes her husband when he says she looks nice.
Nadia says Mark is the same with her, she tells him he looks great and he doesn't believe it.
If you have nothing nice to say... Nadia says this is a great topic and has her thinking face on, really making it look like the brain cells are working, but eventually it is just a hamster on a wheel in there.
"What he does what he sees with his eyes, is that real?" Yeah I don't get it either. Mark asks if she talking in riddles. "She knows he looks at her and thinks she looks lovely, but she can't believe it, so is it the truth?"
My brain is hurting. 
"Is it the truth, if he's seen it, it's his truth. So it is lovely thing, it doesn't actually matter in that moment if it's your truth, you can just say 'Oh how lovely thank you'" Good Lord, there is truth, no his, her's whatever and Mark looks thoroughly perplexed now, as am I. She goes on to say don't say it's not true, no I'm not, then it's not fair. "It's like someone has given you a present and you have thrown it back in their face." And that ladies and gents is the Gospel of Acceptance according to Nadia Sawalha! Leave a tip as you exit.
Mark is speechless and asks Sam if she understood all that and Nadia asks him why he is being purposefully stupid. "It's obvious what I just said." Mark:"Are you having a laugh?" "You're an idiot and you've got to stop drinking coffee."
Jane says her son tells her she looks lovely and doesn't need any other man to tell her. Awww. Happy birthday Allison. Nads wants to know if it mean more to you if the opposite sex says you look lovely or the same sex? "It meant a lot when Tim our postman told me that. It meant a lot." Nads says she knows, "you can't stop going on about it."
Oooh, someone is green jelly. 
Apparently Tim told Mark he looked good and whatever he is doing to keep doing it. Mark has wandered off. Majority says it means more from the same sex. "This is absolutely fascinating!" If the opposite sex says it, they just want to have sex with you.
Or get in your good graces and before you know it, they have wiped out your bank account. 
Mark:"Oh God I love hearing it from the opposite sex!" Of course. Someone said men feel obligated to say you look nice. Mark says for men it is a minefield to be actually honest, so if asked they will always say something positive. Nadia disagrees and goes on about female friends wanting the honest truth and other times they are asking you to validate their feelings and don't actually want the truth. Okay. As a female, she picks up on that better than a male. Hair fluffing and scrunching. Nads says it is nice from the opposite sex when you know they don't fancy you.
Mark asks how do you know that and Nads says "Well I always know when somebody fancies me or not."
Mark reckons men don't do that a lot as they fear it may be misconstrued. "Maybe it's more gay men that say it to me?"
Duh. (I had a male co-worker once compliment a female co-worker on her lips. She was on him like white on rice and he told me he couldn't shake her off. When he told me what happened, I laughed and said "Big mistake! She thinks you're hot for her." It was funny watching him hide from her.
) Mark asks her how many straight men have complimented her dress. "None." "I rest my case." (When any guy complimented me on my dress or hair, whatever, I would always say "Thank you very much. Now what do you want?"
)
This topic goes on and Nadia says Mark says it to everyone. He says he doesn't, "That just means it's worthless." Nadia says yeah, then says it is not worthless, because it is a compliment. "It's a nice way to communicate with people." Mark pen is a clicking. "It's small talk then." Mark says it is a minefield for men. "Oh Angie B, aw that's sad. When Angie compliments her wife, she tells her that she needs to go to Specsavers."
Natasha says opposite sex because her bf never pays her compliments so she is starved and points out her flaws.
Dump his arse! Nadia asks if she has considered if he is the right one. "Is that a bit outrageous for me to say that?" Nads says people do that because a) they aren't nice b) they are controlling c) it's not something they are used to.
I would add d) all of the above. She says you have to ask for what you want, goes into a whole scenario.
Sarah is getting a front tooth extracted and waits to see if her husband will still find her attractive.
HIT THE LIKE BUTTON GUYS! Reminder of the prize for members and a member's live today 50p A WEEK GUYS! Nads will explain the photo of her with Kaye and Allison later. To the news and food shortages and carbon dioxide shortage, which is used for producing food and Russia has elevated natural gas prices. Russia is holding the UK to ransom leading to a shortage of food, so it aint just Brexit.
Jeez! Bloody Putin. 
Nadia says if you can, grow your own. "What's it called when you get an area outside your own home?" Mark: "An allotment"
Cue Nadia worrying about her brain. M&S are saying that the UK could be looking at a black swan situation="so many bad things conspire to create a really bad thing." If you could see Nadia's face, you can see the wheels grinding to a halt.
Talk about gaps on the shelves. The head of the British Meat Processing Association says this may be the straw that breaks he camel's back. Mark read that Putin's Russia is more restrictive than Stalin's and that is saying something, because Stalin was an effin asshole. Mark's pen is clicking again as he says Putin has a particular loathing of Britain.
Bitch is just jealous. He is trying to usurp Canada's sovereignty in the Arctic that bastard. 
Nads says it was Teresa May for standing up to him and saying how dare you poison people. Frankly, he doesn't need a reason, because he is a tyrant. Talk about why he hates Britain and Russian oligarchs. MeTube says that Germany and mainland Europe made a deal with Russia re pipelines and Britain misses out. Nadia is visibly annoyed now, mumbles about Brexit.
"When you were at school was there an issue with going to the toilet?" Elementary school, we had those passes or flipping the in and out girl and boy washroom signs, when older we just wrote our name on the blackboard to sign out. The story is a child wasn't allowed to go to the washroom, she has heavy periods and asked to bring a doctor's note. Nads thinks it should be up to teacher's discretion, but asking to go to the loo after break is a bit naughty. "Personally, when it comes to girls, you just can't say no."
Jane says her eldest was told he couldn't go to the toilet, so he pissed out a window and got suspended! 
This is Nadia's face ---->
"I'm so shocked, I don't know what to say." Mark remembers it being embarassng to have to ask for a toilet roll if you wanted to go.
(I remember when the pad/tampon machine brokedown and they left a sign saying if you needed one to go to the office. I remember the convo in the girls' toilet, "No way am I going to the office and asking Mr. So and So for a pad and the secretaries are bitches. Like my day isn't already crap!" ) Nads would say to her daughters to say I am really sorry, but I am going to have to disobey that and go. She would support them, but not if they are rude saying "Well my bladder is going to do this or going to do that."
There was always that one chick who would make a song and dance out of EVERYTHING. Nicola says she was very anxious to ask. Zoe says her son has IBS and wasn't being allowed to go when he needed.
Nanny Di is heerrrrrrrrrrrrrreee!! Mark asks her if she was allowed to go to the toilet at school. Sarah says it is a human right. Pauly says her son wasn't allowed and had an accident. She is a teacher and has told them to just walk out rather than wet themselves.
Some of us were rule followers to a fault when younger. Mark remembers kids wetting themselves in class, one having a bm (he said pooing.
) Nads says she remembers similar. (I swear before the 90s schools were such hardasses about rules about the most ridiculous things, making kids so fearful they wet themselves.
) Nadia tells the story in primary school of a boy who evacuated his bowels (she said pooing as well) outside the toilets and kids were pointing at him laughing and Nadia was crying like the water sign she is. She is getting all misty now, his brother was throwing bits of toilet paper at him, because he didn't want to catch the humilation. His name was Aidan, "My name backwards."
Okay that was random. James says he would leave for the toilet every time it was his turn to read and the teacher never said anything. "Aww that's so sweet!" Elsa asks if anyone remembers the awful toilet paper that was like tracing paper.
Yes, those stupid squares you had to fashion together and if you wiped with the shiny side, it didn't do a good job. Nadia says the same thing as me, but more vulgar and graphic. Mark says he can still remember the feeling of that paper to this day. Toilet chat with Mark: When he was at primary school, he just came out of the toilets and another boy was in the washroom and asked him which team he supported.
Random. Mark said Tottenham Hotspur and he punched him in the stomach so hard, he was so winded, fell on the floor, looking at the tracing paper toilet roll thinking he was going to die. The kid ran out saying "You're a sad fuck, because you support Tottenham!" Nads wants to find him so they can beat him up.
Mark wants to move around so he isn't in direct sunlight. Nadia bitches about being around the corner. Strictly and 2 dancers refuse to be vaccinated and you would think they would have sorted this out before now. Nanny Di loves Strictly. Mark tell Di he has Nanny Thelma's hall table to bring to her.
Is there any room for it? Prince Philip's last convo with Charles was about his 100th birthday. Nadia asks about last conversations. Nadia thinks it was sad that it was about the future. Nadia would like the last conversation with the girls would be joyful. Mark would like to go out causing the hysteria and laughter to the kids' lives all of their lives.
Is that what you call it? Nadia wants him to lock down what he wants for his funeral.
Just burn my carcass. To my loved ones, if you want a funeral, do it on your own dime! Faith says tell them how to roast potatoes properly. Nadia says PP was talking about his 100th birthday, which is not the story. He said to Charles that he had to still be alive to celebrate it. Christ this live is long. Loads of mushy stories. Elsa's mum died suddenly of an aneurysm and Nadia said don't have arguments with people because you never know.
Unless they are a sibling, of course. Mark has been talking to the UK's leading death doula (This is a thing, I looked it up.
) for a film of course. Sophie says the last thing her gran said to her was have you got your scarf? It's cold outside.
Katie says this is cheerful. Nadia is getting all verklempt. Mark thinks the last she will ask the girls what they had for breakfast. "Because I worry about them. Because the eat shit!"
Well whose fault is that then?
Happy Birthday to Alison. HIT THE LIKE BUTTON. Welcome Amy Ella. They can't get this out very well. Welcome GoodThinkingTV. "I was just looking at your cleavage" "Mark stop it" HIT THE LIKE BUTTON, WE NEED TO HIT 300. Nads is having 2 dollops of Greek yoghurt with maple syrup, blueberries, flax seeds, pumpkin seeds and walnuts. "It sets you up for the day." Nanny Di tells Mark if he can imagine her sayng she's left money in one of her books.
Nadia says when they talk about Mark's death, he wants to stay in the room, like make his ashes into an egg timer. Someone wants to know what brand of Greek Yoghurt and Nads says Total. "Get us to 300 and I will tell you about Alison and Kaye." Nadia is actually worried about this. Somethng about a certain person in the industry, a story going around, found doing it. Mark thought it was about Loose because of a rumour about 2 women on Loose and Nads says she had forgotten about that. Mark is confused. Talk about Kaye sleeping in the nude. Nads is worried that there is a rumour about her and Kaye having an affair. They had been out to dinner, went back to Kaye's room and found a script for Allison Hammond. Figured she would have another one so they went off to bed. "What were you doing?" "Maaark don't stir it up!" Nadia said to Kaye that if she wore pj's s he would feel really awkward. Mark thinks the naked bit is odd and thinks Kaye has a crush on Nads. Anyway, it is pitch black when the door goes, they scream, the person screams and then Nadia realized it was Allison and screamed Allison. (Mark then says people will think she got you there.
) So Allison screamed like oh my gawd there are people in my room then apologizing. Kaye says to her to get in bed with them. "Is Kaye alright?" Allison grabs the duvet off Kaye and lets out a "blood curdling scream" and goes OH MY GAWD SHE'S NAKED! Mark is making a meal of this. Sarah says Mark is just jealous. Mark said he saw the photo and thought he couldn't think of anywhere he would rather not be. Allison bed dived and Mark said at least she didn't muff dive.
"A slip of the foot and she easily would have."
Allison in the bed and Kaye slipped under her arm and just lay on her breast. "We were like an Allison Hammond sandwich." Mark asked if it got sexual. Mark writes down about someone esle and Nads says that is another one. "They work together, two separate incidents." Mark gets gross again and that is that.
devil you know than the angel you don't.
he goes quiet for a few mins!
