Mumsnet #38 imagine spending £100 on a notebook and writing 'bleach arsehole' in it

[CrimsonCountess]

There seems to be a lot of sex based aibu at the moment

Someone doesn't want her husband to finish inside her because it 'drips out for ages afterwards and gets everywhere'. There has been suggestions that he should spunk on himself, spunk in his hand, spunk in a sex towel on the bed etc

One poster says she inserts a tampon and leaves it overnight to collect all the jizz surely that is just asking for an infection!?

 

[Duchessofmanchester]

I'm waiting for the this weather is sooo hot. I hate it. I want to snuggle under my smelly blanket and drink hot choc.

Fuck off and have a solero.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

Never mind the fact that there's not enough letters, apparently stupid is now a swear word and needs blanking

 

[Eurgh]

On a “what’s for dinner” thread…(I like to play MN bingo on those threads). Please don’t invite me for dinner at your place if this is your dinner:

She wouldn't open the door to you anyway.

 

[notanotherusername92]

You speak from personal experience? The MN 6-figure doctors say it does, so it must be true. That’s why they go to Center Parcs.

Can you imagine it? “OK, Mr. Pitt, I’ve booked us a week at Center Parcs.” “Why?” “Because I’ve got hemorrhoids.”

No it’s definitely true. My cousin had piles and had to have surgery. I had a quick round of bumsex and they were all gone the next day. I used prep H as lubricant as we had nothing else handy. This counts as a scientific study and concludes it’s definitely the Bumsex

Read The power of bumsex by felix Bung. He’s a proper scientist that wrote a book on his own opinions, using confirmation bias to make it look properly referenced. none of this double blind, peer reviewed, clinical trials published in academic research literature shit. They’re all paid by big pharma anyway.

 

[Miss Begotten]

See, SEE!
The dental receptionist misheard me and obviously thought I was 10 years younger than I really am, because I’m so youthful and teeny tiny. It DOES happen in the real world because it happened to MEEEE. It’s true, it’s TRUE!
What a fucking melt.

To think she thought I was 10 years younger than I am
121 replies
Mairzydotes · Today 13:28
I was at the dentist yesterday. The receptionist asked my date of birth first, and I gave it , and she then asked my name. She then quiried if it was the ' somethingth' or the 'twenty- somethingth' and I confirmed the correct one. ( I referred to the month by name).

She said there was nobody coming up. Then she asked if I was at the correct dentists. I was because I always go there. She asked me if I was sure I was I was actually registered because they had no patients with that dob 1993. I was born in 1983. She finds me , and I have my check up.

Then I've been thinking, she didn’t check the year at all, so she must have took me as being 31, 10 years younger than I am .

But according to mumsnet, nobody can ever be mistaken for 10 years younger than their actual age, in the real world.

 

[cat_follower]

I remember wearing one of those diamanté thongs to school feeling just about as sexy and confident as a 14 year old goth kid can feel, only to have the fucker ping itself into pieces halfway through the day

 

[CrimsonCountess]

Thanks go to @Duchessofmanchester and @holasun for this delight which was the most liked suggestion. You lot are filth

 

[Sunlifeover50]

Oh Jesus the insanity

“I once paid more for a specific day clothes delivery from Asda as I'd be in that day - they came day before and caught and delayed me trying to leave the house - and when I complained couldn't understand why I was upset not pleased I got it early.”

Her George order caused her to be delayed leaving the house… how the fuck does that happen? Did he pull up behind her car and start eating his breakfast refusing to move until he’d finished??? Most delivery drivers just ask you to sign and chuck the parcel at you don’t they.

And she complained imagine being the poor bigger dealing with that complaint.

 

[sistersofpercy]

The porch door my friend
is blowin in the wind
The porch door is blowin in the wind.

Knob Dylan.

 

[CatCafe234]

Never mind the fact that there's not enough letters, apparently stupid is now a swear word and needs blanking
View attachment 2924961
View attachment 2924963

Ok, I totally thought they were calling their husband a spud.

 

[orangehead]

Who's Richard III? Never heard of him.

<tinkly laugh>
---

Bugger you got there first.

It’s probably because I’m so teeny tiny, I can move faster than everyone else *tinkly laugh*

 

[Cheddar Chalpupa]

How do these people get through life?

It's best to wait, if not you better have a good reason for doing it when the Dpolice show up at your ddoor.

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

Wow! Just wow!

 

[Audaciter]

Sizing must be different in the UK. I’m a DD and that’s seen as massive here. I went to the optician last week for new glasses and I couldn’t get my chin onto the rest of the thing you look through because my chest was too large. The optician moved it to the furthest setting and then sighed and she said “I don’t know what else to do. This wasn’t designed for someone with such large breasts”. And we both joked it was obviously designed by a man.

Something similar happened when I was having a shoulder (I think) scan. The clinician wanted me to get closer to the scan plate and I just couldn’t. He was getting quite irate and eventually I said ‘I can’t, my tits are in the way’. It ended up in me doing some weird version of limbo, with most of my body under the machine.

What pissed me off was that it wasn’t my fault but he sure tried to make it my fault.

Yes, it was 2am, I was tired maybe he was too. But one of use was being paid to be there and do a job and it wasn’t me…

 

[Serene Serena]

My stepdad is an amazing man. He’s my dad in every way but biological.

 

[Audaciter]

Happy birthday @Wackie Jeaver that sounds like a perfect birthday dinner!

I suggested chippy and my teenager HAS REFUSED. No parenting course or book has prepared me for this. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing…

 

[Sglodion]

It's 7pm in Thailand and I've been travelling since 5.30 this morning to get here, so I've only just finished my first proper meal of the day, which was..........

Spoiler

a salad of absolutely gargantuan proportions - the picture doesn't do it justice, that bowl was about 10cm deep. I got you all - I've been a MNer under deep cover all along! Sayonara everyone, me and my size Japanese ass are going back to my natural home so I can bleach my arsehole and be incapable of doing basic life shit.

Spoiler

(oh no wait, I also ordered a MASSIVE curry, some MASSIVE spring rolls and a MASSIVE chocolate fudge sundae because I'm a normal person, instead of nibbling on the end of a pumpkin seed and declaring myself stuffed. Guess I'd better stay on Tattle with the other fatties after all)

 

[MediumLoad]

The thought of underwhelmed1985's DCs witnessing their mother's descent into chronic alcoholism has made me hold my children in a tight embrace. Well, I don't have any children so I cuddled the cat instead but the sentiment is the same.

 

[50degreesnorth]

DCoroner here. Please be mindful of your apple size due to DNHS being on its knees. For those of you classified as sedentary (30 mins HIIT, 20k steps) you’re better off just having 15g of apple peel and 3 chickpeas due to carb load.