Mumsnet #36 My mum died when a fat midwife fell on her so we moved to France

[bread-pitt]

Someone has posted a close-up of their crotch, asking if they look underweight. What a way to spend a Saturday night.
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Anyone seen this thread? Just waiting for the teeny tinies chiming in that they piss into a thimble because, size French and all that

ETA…..OP seems way more worried about her bog than her SIL annihilating her arse on the ceramic shards. Pffft 🫠
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“She will need to use the toilet here as she has medical issues”.
Do only people with medical issues use toilets? I would have thought never needing to use the toilet is a medical issue.

 

[Boring Monday]

Friends wedding reception locally, so we decided we would walk home, very unsteadily and not a little sloshed. Mate had worn a pair of sparkly trousers for the evening bunfight. All went well. Arrived home, crashed out. Next day, phone call from another friend to ask why said sparkly trousers were hanging from a tree on the route home. We had no idea/recollection then and cracking on for 40 years later we still have no idea.

 

[Et0n-Mess]

The sexy jumpsuit thread is still going. This comment wins the whole thing though.

 

[Serene Serena]

Another of my ‘today’s didn’t happen’ contributions.

Completely made up. I work in a call centre and every single call is recorded. Also there's very little time to chat in between calls, and call handlers know better than to badmouth a customer on a recording. They'd wait until coffee break and then tell everyone about the absolute wanker who was on the phone earlier.

 

[notanotherusername92]

If mumsnetters didn’t hate the police so much they could all get jobs as supersniffers. Put all the spaniels out of work.

Honestly they can pinpoint to the second how long it’s been since a random stranger had a shower. They can tell exactly where in your cycle you are, and when you last head sex purely by the smell. They can spot the on unwashed item of clothing (it’s the bra!) on an otherwise clean person. They can pinpoint exactly which body part their work colleagues haven’t washed during their daily shower. They can smell if there was a dog in your house 20 years ago, or if you have a Guinea pig outside.

Put them on a leash and get them tracking criminals! They could have found Nicola Bulley on scent alone given the chance, no need for all the keyboard sleuthing.

 

[50degreesnorth]

Would you not notice you’ve put an entire pot of Philadelphia in… an entire packets of basil leaves (so carby) and whatever else she’s calling a fucking lasagne which has probably not even sniffed a packet of pasta? And realise it might be slightly larger than one portion? The reason it’s 2 stone is that Einstein there just weighed her le creuset.

Surely people aren’t this fucking thick? Can someone add me to the DCoronoer spreadsheet as “blood pressure raised due to fuds”?

 

[bread-pitt]

It’s the kind of thread I read and think “why don’t you just get laid?” I think she needs to go to a London hotel. I’ve heard - don’t ask me how I know - that people have sex in them there hotels!

 

[Serene Serena]

A 75 million house in London just makes you an average earner. <Holly Valence head tilt>

Up North we can buy Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool and most of North Wales for that sort of money.
<tinkly laugh>

 

[Geetbo]

Oh for sure.

I was very grateful to those who worked in shops, collected bins, delivered post and so on.
But I'm willing to bet they weren't the ones on MN claiming to be anything.

And it was brought into everything. I might cook XYZ for dinner, btw I'm a FRONTLINE KEY VERY IMPORTANT WORKER AS IS MY DH.

I know someone who works at Zara and claimed to be a Key Worker.

 

[orangehead]

The cheese in coffee comment was insane. I thought the poster was joking at first but they apparently weren’t.

The KEYWORKERS were annoying as well. Particularly when they had the double whammy of being super-specially-immune-compromised so only needed to see a picture of Covid for them to DIE

Imagine when you were allowed to visit people if you went to a friends house and they ask if you want a coffee and when you say yes they ask ‘one babybel or two?’

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

I have many questions.

ALL of her neighbours are vegan? And she literally has no friends or family within a five-mile radius that she could give some to?

And when she bought the ingredients, chopped the ingredients, and put it all in the dish, she didn’t look at it all and think ‘that’s going to be a big lasagne!’?

Fucks’ sake

 

[bread-pitt]

Lasagne Lady mis-read the MN recipe. It was supposed to be a toddler-sized lasagne (enough for a toddler or teeny tiny MNer) but she made a toddler-size lasagne (a lasagne the size of a toddler). Meanwhile BIWI is in a hospital recovering from shock at all the carbs.

 

[Florentine]

It looks a bit medieval fancy dress-ish.
Should be accessorised with one of those upside-down ice-cream cornet hats with a chiffon scarf dangling off it and a toy unicorn.

 

[Technobiff]

First date? Just let me delve into the dark recesses of my mind.
Oh yes, first date with the 'usband, I probably looked a complete pillock with massive hair and shoulder pads like an American footballer, being as it was the early eighties.
If I was going on a first date nowadays, it would be a comb through the hair and a tena lady.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

Fuck me nothing gets past Cerise does it

 

[LilyPond]

I nearly did a typical MN just now… and then I remembered I was banned! I was just looking on active and saw someone whinging about vets bills (didn’t open it but er hello - insurance?!). I had to get my 16 year old kitty put to sleep today and to say I’m fucking devastated is an understatement - felt like going on and pointing out how lucky they are to have vets bills to pay! (Although so do I now as not covered for today)

I had to have my lovely old boy pts a couple of weeks ago and I'm grieving hard so you have my sympathy. It's the hardest thing even if it's the right thing. He was the best cat in the world, ever and we totally loved each other. xx

 

[Technobiff]

I swear Catherine Tate got the idea for her characters from MN.
Especially the mum with the two kids who panics over everything and the one who screams at the least noise.
Gooseberry yoghurt anyone?
The fucking phobia ridden jellies.

 

[orangehead]

What the actual fuck is this??! A step up from the Christmas Eve boxes (which MN hate)…a SATS relaxation pack….with a bath bomb…..for her DS.
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Why not homework relaxation packs? Homework sucks. Well done for going to the dentist box, you ate all your dinner prize box, you cleaned your room box they’ll be someone on Facebook selling all these by the end of the year

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

What kind of absolute freak thinks "oooh my arsehole is killing me. Should I get a doctors appointment to sort this or take a picture of my anus and put it on the internet?"

 

[bread-pitt]

Only a MNer could be upset about a Christmas gift 5 years after the event!