I'm gonna skip the 'Back to the Beginning' one because I didnt really watch her then
Anxiety
So guys. You have probably all worked out by now I don't even have anxiety! It was all just a marketing ploy. Here is how it went
'So babe.' Jamie began. 'The cleaning isnt enough. Now they know what you look like they don't feel you're relatable because you're drop dead gorgeous. You need to show that you're relatable. I've been thinking the mental health card
I flicked my fag. 'Mental health?' I take a pull. 'Screw that. I'm fine me. I cant even spell anxiety'
'Nah babe it'll reel the punters in. Youre not making enough. I need more dollarydoos for my Willy Hill account. Its the national soon! I reckon Tiger Rolls gonna win
'Babe will you stop talking about gambling for one minute. Ill buy some tiger roll when I go the shops!'
'No i mean - never mind. Good job you're alright looking cos you're a sandwich short of a picnic. Anyway, the mental health card is the way to go down! More people will like you if you're relatable'
'Ah what's that?' *slaps face*
'So listen ere babe. Just do a few erratic stories right? Claw your neck a bit. Give it a good scratch. Just go on saying you're a bit anxious. The shoppers will cream their knickers at it'
So i got my phone and filmed myself. There was this stupid filter that looked like a Granny. It was a light bulb moment. I put the filter on
'Guyyyyyssssssss. I just hate what I look like today. I mean i know I am a sort but I just feel so anxious today guys. So I put this filter on. What shall we call her guys? A proper old fogie name? Errrrmmm. Thou shall be called GRETEL'
So i did a few stories with Gretel on. Whinged on a bit saying I couldn't bare to see what I looked like in the papers.
But once.... i was a papped. I looked miserable as
duck and Jamies top looked a bit tight. He swears hes a small but im convinced he is at least an extra large.
I was livid. I sobbed in my castle and flung an empty packet of Zoflora at Jamies head
'I still think you look fit babe'
'Dont even lie! Look at the state of my roots! And plus I'm hardly the problem! Look at you! I've been thinking about trading you in for a footballer and becoming a WAG!'
I opened my phone and did a story clawing my neck and whimpering. Not long after I got a load of messages blowing smoke up my arse. Jamie was right, this anxiety card is great!
ready, steady, cook style....what's in the bag?
