Mother Pukka #3 I think we might be remarkable

[Lilyofthevalley80]

This sounds very like my mum. Got married at 24, divorced from my dad when she was 36/37- I was 11 and all I remember is my life being a bit like Ab Fab. Friends coming back to talk about men and conquests that she’d had at the weekend, as we got a bit older bringing men back thinking I was asleep but I wasn’t and listened at the top of the stairs to many things I shouldn’t have seen or heard. It really fucked me up, I was so unhappy and had a miserable time at school as I felt very alone and that my mum was more interested in her life than in my brother and I. I felt guilty as I felt like I was trying not to tell my dad things and hide what she was up to because I didn’t want him to be upset or for them to fight. As I got older it felt like she was just wanting more attention from men than me, it was like she got competitive. I was embarrassed when she went to school and would flirt with teachers or other dads but it was all about her ego. This went on for years and she got a boyfriend, one weekend my brother asked to stay at my mums rather than going to dads because he wanted to go to a rugby tournament close to our house and she told him she was working, he found out she lied, she just wanted to spend the weekend with her boyfriend, my brother was 16 and didn’t speak to her for about 5 years after that and moved in with my dad. I don’t think he ever really forgave her completely. We were both teenagers but my mums selfishness really screwed up my childhood, maybe that makes me selfish for not wanting her to live her life? When my husband and I split up I saw someone but just couldn’t commit because of the memories, I decided I would happily be alone for the sake of my child. She even said she wasn’t bothered about her dad meeting someone but didn’t want me to meet someone and stop being her mummy. I knew what she meant, she didn’t want to share me. Her dad and I got back together because she’s the most important thing, not me. So Anna can give out all the drivel she wants about how amazing this is but il put money on this all falling apart and those poor girls being so traumatised.

That was a hard read. I can’t imagine how hard it was going through that and even writing it down now. I’m really and truly sorry that you and your brother went through that - you were let down and you didn’t do anything to cause that to happen or to deserve it.

This is where the absolutist “so long as Mummy is happy brigade” get this so terribly wrong as anyone who is actually trained, regulated and insured to practise in this field and/or deal with the fall out knows

 

[harveydean]

3 months after my divorce I had a very love bomby relationship. It lasted a few months until the cracks showed and his narcissistic personality started to show. Luckily my children were not involved as he turned out to be a high functioning alcoholic with a gambling addiction.

Nowadays I date guys whom I’m old enough to be their mother, and it wouldn’t have been a teenage pregnancy. I’m having time of my life!

 

[skronkywildcat]

I also had a mum like that. I never felt I was as important as the boyfriends or her search for ‘the one’. Mum would bring men back and I’d hear the shagging. One time she went for a quickie in the bathroom at a barbecue that some of my friends were at. . (But our relationship did improve massively by the time she stopped being interested in sex and even more after she became a granny).

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Someone said upthread that it’s like a dare that’s gone too far and it’s made me think of the friends episode where Phoebe and Joey find out that Chandler and Monica are dating and Phoebe tries to trick Chandler and they keep pushing each other along trying to see who will break first.


SHOW HIM YOUR BRA, HE’S AFRAID OF THEM!

 

[SharkAttack]

I always say that if I ever split from DH I wouldn’t bother getting a new husband. Maybe I’d have a boyfriend or a FWB situation. But I’d never live with a man again. I’d never cook, clean, wash another man’s pants, share finances, compromise on what colour to paint the bedroom or what tiles to put in the hallway, etc. duck that.

Omg me too. 100pc. Much as I love DH, I sometimes fantasise about this solitary living situation!

 

[lucylucyapplejuicy]

God I am so sorry to hear about all your stories, none of that should have happened to you. Thank you for sharing them

 

[Lilyofthevalley80]

I think people can absolutely 'check out' from a marriage before they decide to separate. That's what leads many to that decision. I can't think of anything worse than going straight into another relationship, I'd relish being alone!

Yes - I’m sure lots of adults do check out. Ok. Fine.

But the issue is that very often children have most definitely not checked out and need help and support through the break up because, whatever Anna says, it is the break up of a family unit. Children’s reactions and coping behaviours do not behave in a linear way. They may seem to be coping well initially then have periods of coping less well. They are dealing with the transition out of the family unit and that new normal. Now suddenly there is a man whom they don’t know well and his children who are not their siblings and they don’t really know at all being introduced into their lives. In fact not “introduced” but inserted at great speed.

Children will generally look to their parents for reassurance and approval. So if the parents says they are happy in an uncertain situation, the child will generally mirror that emotion back. If the child isn’t given the permission to talk about their concerns and worries and be truly listened to, then they will internalise those feelings. If they feel that they are reacting in a different way to their parent (essentially being gaslit) then a child will generally blame themselves for that and feel that there most be something wrong with them.

This is alllll kinds of wrong. The language being used by Anna about Stripy Top shows someone in love with a mirage, with an idea projected onto another human being who can never live up to that ideal.

The vast majority of family and good friends would sit in stunned silence. In horror, really, if a mother of two girls announced this engagement to them in these circumstances.

 

[SheLeft]

I always say that if I ever split from DH I wouldn’t bother getting a new husband. Maybe I’d have a boyfriend or a FWB situation. But I’d never live with a man again. I’d never cook, clean, wash another man’s pants, share finances, compromise on what colour to paint the bedroom or what tiles to put in the hallway, etc. duck that.

Yeah duck that! I got divorced and got a dog. Ain't nobody else I'm willing to share a house with, even though I am a 24/7 actual dogsbody to HRH Doggo

 

[You better werk]

So these kids got a new step daddy and step siblings in the same week???.....hope Anna's putting some money aside for their future therapy sessions

 

[Dawnofftobed]

As a person of “influence” (apparently) she absolutely cannot take any accountability or criticism. The few who have vaguely alluded to this being quick she bites back with “why are you so judgemental about a couple and have fake concern about kids you don’t know and will never meet?!”.

She doesn’t seem to appreciate that absolutely nobody gives a tit about her kids. Or her. It’s her impressing this stupid NaRrAtiVe and trying to claim some position of authority on life after divorce, all the way from her BS magpieing, sharing her story to instill HoPe, change the NaRrAtIve around divorce, abolish the StIgMa. She’s so old and wise now. She’s multi faceted. She likes to orgasm AND campaign for flexible working. She’s as comfortable in the bedroom as she is in the boardroom bullshit. She has to be every woman’s idol and every man’s dream girl. The ultimate, attention hungry, and very average narc with limited range in abilities.

Literally nobody gives a tit, other than maybe her friends and family. So when she puts this crap out there, she’ll have her lemmings lap it up, but anyone with half a brain cell will question the red flags and she’ll get defensive and try and call out “TrOLLing” for more sympathy points.

Signed, sealed, dEliVerEd
---

She's 'dickmatized'

If this were a friend of mine I'd be concerned for them, shame she sees any of that concern as people not wanting divorcees to move on and gets so defensive with anyone suggesting this isn't anything other than the best idea ever.

Good luck to her.

Eta: I guarantee her friends aren't being fully honest with how happy they are for her. They'll be worried at how rushed it is! She's in the first flush of infatuation, the absolute worst time to commit to someone.

Yes I think PollDoll must still be in thrall. Anna was her ‘saviour’ when she was having a traumatic time after the birth of her kids and now she’s forever indebted to the love-bomber, friendship groomer, fame hungry machine of a mate

 

[Heyholetsgo]

The whole thing is just a bit cringe, why is nothing private anymore? She's got where she wants to be on the radio and success etc but still needs to share everything? I don't get it at all.

 

[hattie27]

I had a friend checking out. The check out was she hooked up with a guy she went to high school with. Husband found out. They then decided to work on things while she was still seeing the high school guy. Then she decided she wants to separate, they do the magpie tit, and then she says she doesn’t want to magpie anymore and chucks him out.

Presses her husband for a divorce so she can get the visa organised for her new Beau to move to Australia. New guy moves into the marital home, financial settlement occurs after the divorce. Kids are now expected to call the new boyfriend stepdad. She constantly drags her ex husband down on socials and cut off friendships if they dared talk to him. Just crazy.

 

[SheLeft]

I had a friend checking out. The check out was she hooked up with a guy she went to high school with. Husband found out. They then decided to work on things while she was still seeing the high school guy. Then she decided she wants to separate, they do the magpie tit, and then she says she doesn’t want to magpie anymore and chucks him out.

Presses her husband for a divorce so she can get the visa organised for her new Beau to move to Australia. New guy moves into the marital home, financial settlement occurs after the divorce. Kids are now expected to call the new boyfriend stepdad. She constantly drags her ex husband down on socials and cut off friendships if they dared talk to him. Just crazy.

Is your friend Anna?!

 

[pennypinchpam]

Is she actually tagging OLLIE BRETTON OLLIE BRETTON’s mum in her stories?! The cringe is cringing.

 

[esoes]

Is she actually tagging OLLIE BRETTON OLLIE BRETTON’s mum in her stories?! The cringe is cringing.

Have to get the brand moving along...Stepfather Pukka, New Mother-in-law Pukka etc.....

 

[sangariana]

Have to get the brand moving along...Stepfather Pukka, New Mother-in-law Pukka etc.....

Step-Papa-Pukka

Step-pa-pukka

not-a-mother-chukka

 

[Bunbun1]

The irony of her sharing Gabor Mate saying parents need to take care of theirselves while rushing into getting engaged is not lost on me!

I don't believe that society doesn't want divorcees to be happy, I think what is evidenced here is that a lot of people have either done it theirselves and lived with the fall out, seen a friend do and it observed the fall out, or have experience of being the child in that scenario, and been showered by the fall out. I am in there been there, done that category. Mourned a relationship while still in it, got out and immediately ran into a love bomber! I didn't know how to be on my own, so I was constantly anxious that this sudden relationship was going to suddenly disappear- and it did. I was a shadow of myself in that relationship, and after a shadow of that shadow. Fortunately I had no children.

Maybe Anna is completely spot on, and this guy is the one, and they will be together forever, but if that is the case why rush? Why not let the kids get to know him, and his kids and her kids get to know each other, and everyone has time to get comfortable, because you've got the rest of your lives, right?

 

[maytoseptember]

There’s no way I’d marry a man who wanted to marry me after six months. Not with kids involved. I’d assume he was looking for somewhere bigger and better to live and someone to look after his kids on his contact weekends.

Definitely. So many men are highly motivated to find a new woman ASAP because they realise the drudge work of shopping, cooking, cleaning, running a home and looking after kids sucks and they want someone else to do it.

 

[RoseintheSunshine]

I think they’re probably love bombing one another out of fear: she doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to parent his own kids

We all know the initial stages of any relationship is fun and exciting, once the oxytocin dies down and everything settles you start to notice the ‘real’ person. Sometimes you like who you see, and sometimes you don’t.
It’s very easy for us to observe what a potential car crash this is. I am also sure Anna’s true friends if she has any - may say something, but they know she won’t listen.

 

[petitspois]

The irony of her sharing Gabor Mate saying parents need to take care of theirselves while rushing into getting engaged is not lost on me!

I don't believe that society doesn't want divorcees to be happy, I think what is evidenced here is that a lot of people have either done it theirselves and lived with the fall out, seen a friend do and it observed the fall out, or have experience of being the child in that scenario, and been showered by the fall out. I am in there been there, done that category. Mourned a relationship while still in it, got out and immediately ran into a love bomber! I didn't know how to be on my own, so I was constantly anxious that this sudden relationship was going to suddenly disappear- and it did. I was a shadow of myself in that relationship, and after a shadow of that shadow. Fortunately I had no children.

Maybe Anna is completely spot on, and this guy is the one, and they will be together forever, but if that is the case why rush? Why not let the kids get to know him, and his kids and her kids get to know each other, and everyone has time to get comfortable, because you've got the rest of your lives, right?

I took it that Gabor Mate meant 'put your own life vest on before helping others' - that parents shouldn't ignore their basic needs but we should all put our children's safety and stability first. There's some shocking parenting around and always has been. I've seen experts say that the idea that children are resilient is a total myth - kids seem resilient as they have no choice but it always has an impact, even if it doesn't seem so at the time.