Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition

[Okgolightly]

Hi, essentially yes, he is trying to get into my good books of course! But how do you decide the line between someone who is actually remorseful and doing everything in their power to make it up to you and someone who is just trying to pull a fast one? I mean that as a genuine question, because either way would look similar I guess?

In terms of working on himself, during this time he didn’t reach out for help. He did delete his account a few times but as reactivation is easy, he always ended up back on there. He said he didn’t seek help because of how embarrassed he was about it. Now though, he has reached out to therapists and booked in sessions. He has also reached out to family and friends too. He’s looked into software that can monitor his phone and send me alerts to any adult content being viewed (I think he is just trying to offer as much as possible to fix this situation).

I don’t disagree with your points on sleeping with him, but please do keep in mind that this is very traumatic for me and a lot of my actions will be trauma based. I currently feel very hypersexualised and it is 100% from the emotions in my mind. The brain works in strange ways unfortunately so I hope I’m not being judged for this!

I didn’t intend to judge you at all so I apologise if that’s how it came across. However, I have been there with an addict who says the right things, puts blockers on phones and changes for a grand total of 3 weeks before they are right back to their usual self. I would hate for that to be the situation you find yourself in. If he is serious about therapy, perhaps if you do some joint sessions it will help you both going forward in setting boundaries and what is/isn’t acceptable surrounding his online activities. I wish you lots of luck

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

Good morning,

I don't want to be harsh, but I think that he sounds like a douche bag.

In my view, the reason you lost your self-esteem is not because of his behaviour, but because you still stay with him despite having threatened to leave him various times, then accepting his promises of bettering himself only to found out they have been broken, but you still stay with him!

If you do not want to leave him, despite having said that you would if he would not change his behaviour (which he has not changed as you now know), then maybe a break or trial separation would be a solution.
You could get therapy whilst being "on break" and he can do whatever he thinks is appropriate. If he wants to get therapy and cure his addiction it needs to be his choice.

You cannot control what he is doing, but you are in control of your actions.
It is not possible for us to know what drives his behaviour (it could be an addiction with deep-rooted issues or simple boredom coupled with lack of respect for you) but it is possible for you to explore why you are in such a relationship.

 

[Rebeclou]

I know my gut is telling me this it’s just so hard I’m kicking myself that I told him I wanted to read the messages because he has deleted his Snapchat account so I’ll never know. I could text the girl because I have her Facebook but I’m not sure if that will only drive me crazy. We have a mortgage and a dog together and it’s just so hard to walk away but I know I have to do it.
You’re right there are so many more issues with him and this has only opened my eyes to it. He was so paranoid and I couldn’t even talk to another man without it causing a fight. He has been emotionally abusing me with a while now and I’ve been blind to it
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I just tried to sign into his Snapchat and it says it’s deactivated so I might be able to reactivate it. How do I download the data if I get into his account?

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Yes exactly, I actually knew that he watched porn on occasions… as did I time to time and although it wasn’t my favorite thought, I wasn’t that bothered by it honestly. This is different though. This is live, way more personal and paid for. He understands how it is cheating, but maintains that although he took it to this horrendous extent, he would never cheat in person - he saw it as porn, but knew it was wrong of course.

I do want to believe that he would never cheat in person, but of course I didn’t think he would do this either so who knows at this point.
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Yep! My whole life came crashing down in a split moment. It’s a lot to process!

I was in a similar situation, a seemingly good and strong relationship ended abruptly (not because of cheating or corn or anything like that), he had decided to accept a job abroad without discussing it with me (leaving me on my own with the whole mortgage and all other obligations - i found this unacceptable and ended it), and I wish I would have focused less on him and more on me and had gotten a proper therapist whilst dealing with it.

I also felt betrayed in a way, was surprised by his selfish action and it took me a good couple of years to get over it. It was very painful, I remember it well.

So i can relate to you, but also know you can get through it, but you need to focus on yourself and you need space.

 

[Sabbie]

This was my comment on it in another thread. Women really don't understand what is going on with other women. It's really worrying.

How much sex is "normal" in a relationship

I'm no longer in a relationship however there were many times where I did it just because he wanted it, otherwise I'd be made to feel bad. If I tried to stand my ground, he'd say I made him feel unattractive or he'd moan at me so much I'd just give in. Sexual intimacy is very important for me in...

tattle.life

 

[Sabbie]

Ask him to get treatment for his addiction if you want to stay with him. Otherwise you know the answer. The situation isn't going to get any better or any easier. I feel for you.

 

[ChubClubThug]

This was my comment on it in another thread. Women really don't understand what is going on with other women. It's really worrying.

How much sex is "normal" in a relationship

I'm no longer in a relationship however there were many times where I did it just because he wanted it, otherwise I'd be made to feel bad. If I tried to stand my ground, he'd say I made him feel unattractive or he'd moan at me so much I'd just give in. Sexual intimacy is very important for me in...

tattle.life

Different people do have different boundaries. But in my old age I agree with you. I used to not mind about porn being present in a relationship, but it nearly always escalates into more. People who think it's harmless stimulation probably don't realise how much they chose to watch it, the thirst traps they watch, even perving on your family and friends. Saving their pics etc. the comment on that thread about their partner only ever being able to finish himself when they have sex, 100% a porn addict . He's probably got "death grip" I personally think it's really grim!

 

[babylemonade]

Sorry to hear you're still having a crap time. You have to ask yourself is he really worth this continuous cycle of hurt. He still hasn't really changed in 2yrs by the sounds of it from your post You deserve to feel beautiful and loved and secure. It sounds like he's not really willing to meet you half way

Thank you I appreciate that.

I'm kind of over it at this stage, I really think most men are the same and sort of have a better the devil you know mindset? If we were to break up I don't see myself getting into another relationship.

I don't think he's changed much no, just excuse after excuse and no motivation to change or make anything better. I'm still reeling from the betrayal and he thinking I should stop bringing it up.

I'd rather be unhappy single than spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't respect me so yeah, I've kinda checked out from him and the relationship.

 

[Jaybtee]

I have no hope now! One disagreement (sometimes even when you think things are good!) they hit up an ex and start using facebook as a hunting ground! Not to sound bitter though its just too easy...!

 

[babylemonade]

This problem is his, nothing to do with how you look. He has a porn addiction and he's not respecting your boundaries. If he's saving pics, I can guarantee you there's a whole other heap of stuff you have no clue about.

I would highly recommend you making an Instagram and requesting him to see what he's up to. He's taking advantage of the fact that you're not on there. Men like him always have escalated behaviour

Get yourself on tiktok and look up this woman Jourdan. She explains all of this far better than I can.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this but so many others have the same problems. It's like an epidemic no-one talks about

Thanks for the reply. Tbh I have thought about making an instagram to do that before, but the thought just makes me feel anxious and sick almost like I'd rather not know. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
I did look through his phone a few weeks ago, he has an iPhone and the home button is broken so I couldn't get a proper look through, it was when he was asleep and my heart was racing!!
I didn't find anything too bad, but I wasn't able to check everything I wanted and I'm too scared to do it again, incase I fuck up and he finds out.
I'm on tiktok so I already know aboht Jourdan, honestly I just feel so bad for her she'd nearly be better off just ending things with her husband (if only I could take my own advice lol)
We're long distance as well, I feel better when we're together but when he goes home I get so paranoid that when he's not replying to me he's looking at other girls. I know he would never cheat physically.
As another user said also, I'm beginning to hate the women that make these thirst trap posts. I think it's awful carry on.
My bf did admit to me as well that he also did the same when he was with his beautiful ex, so yeah you're right it probably isn't a me issue as such but still makes me feel grim.
Apologies for the ramble, I'm feeling very emotional and not myself at all

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

He's got his fishing rod out. Only a matter of time before he cheats. Why do these scumbags bother getting married? If they're already trying to break the vows. It's a lack of self control and respect for their women and women in general

I feel like a lot of them won’t physically do anything but they get a buzz out of the thrill and potential, also a bit of an ego boost if their interest is reciprocated. Sad little life if you ask me!

 

[WhatABore]

I think you need to have a serious conversation as clearly something isn't right and you don't trust him anyway. Not sure if it matters if he's messaging on Snapchat, hrs clearly hiding something and youre already distrustful enough of him to have to check his phone

I agree with this. The fact that he goes on it as soon as he leaves the room and has it in a different folder, raises some questions for me.
I guess he could maybe just follow loads of the girls and goes through their stories ect whilst
Obviously still not something you're comfortable with.

 

[Sabbie]

Huge hugs to you @codered. If your husband is not will seeking any help with his addiction, he will not be able to ‘cure’ himself of it. It sounds like he is in deep and needs to find help. Some people use AA type groups for sex addiction, or some people get a therapist. I would highly suggest both if he really wants to get a hold of this and dedicate himself to you and your family. There are also AA type groups for people married to addicts if you feel you need to reach out for support.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I actually couldn’t tell you why I looked. We have always been on each others phones, not to snoop, but just over the years using each others phones for things. We never had any issue with things being hidden (from what I knew at the time). I was actually on his phone a lot around this time as I was emailing a company from his email address (with his knowledge). When I snooped I just had an intuition to look at his apps, I can’t even really say I was looking for anything just being a bit nosey. That’s why I realized the yahoo email app as he never used yahoo and I had been using the IPhone email app to respond to the company, so knew straight away it was odd.

I even trusted him so much that at first I thought it was those silly spam emails we all get sometimes, but I recognized the last 4 digits of a card number on the receipt that made me think… oh maybe this is real

Oh wow, so you found out kind of accidentially. You were not even suspicious, it hit you completely out of the blue.

You must feel so betrayed. If you could get your hands on a therapist then I would.

I think you need space and support. And focus less on him and more on you. If you can, stop sleeping with him.
This would be my advice.

 

[Mamacita]

Thank you I appreciate that.

I'm kind of over it at this stage, I really think most men are the same and sort of have a better the devil you know mindset? If we were to break up I don't see myself getting into another relationship.

I don't think he's changed much no, just excuse after excuse and no motivation to change or make anything better. I'm still reeling from the betrayal and he thinking I should stop bringing it up.

I'd rather be unhappy single than spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't respect me so yeah, I've kinda checked out from him and the relationship.

They're not all the same. There are plenty shit ones but there are ones that respect their partners

 

[Unknown345]

It's really really complicated. Because they haven't actually physically cheated (yet!), it will make you doubt yourself. I think for me, unless the person really really showed that they were willing to change their ways fully, had full transparency in absolutely everything they did, with their phone, life, bank accounts etc. I couldn't stay and would be looking at ways to get out, however long it took me.

It sounds simple and straightforward on paper how you should deal with it, but it really does suck the life and essence out of you.

People laugh and call others vanilla for not wanting their man to watch porn, and only fans and soft porn is so socially acceptable these days, you're made to feel stupid for not accepting the perving and lack of self control.

Yes exactly, I actually knew that he watched porn on occasions… as did I time to time and although it wasn’t my favorite thought, I wasn’t that bothered by it honestly. This is different though. This is live, way more personal and paid for. He understands how it is cheating, but maintains that although he took it to this horrendous extent, he would never cheat in person - he saw it as porn, but knew it was wrong of course.

I do want to believe that he would never cheat in person, but of course I didn’t think he would do this either so who knows at this point.
---

Oh wow, so you found out kind of accidentially. You were not even suspicious, it hit you completely out of the blue.

You must feel so betrayed. If you could get your hands on a therapist then I would.

I think you need space and support. And focus less on him and more on you. If you can, stop sleeping with him.
This would be my advice.

Yep! My whole life came crashing down in a split moment. It’s a lot to process!

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I have an introductory call with a therapist on Friday morning,my doctors have also put me in touch with the community talking therapy team as I have not been eating very much at all for the last 2 weeks. No appetite as my mind is so full of other thoughts that food isn’t even something I remember I need! I’m having good and bad moments currently. Each day my mind goes from “we can TRY to move forward with this, with professional help” to “I can’t do this”. Constantly back and forth with it!
sorry to hear about your situation too, that sucks just as much! Bad things always happen to good people
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Another to add: he has given me access to the emails, webcam log in and only fans log in. I have all the evidence, bank statements etc. I can see that he never messaged any of them outside of the webcam sessions. They would spam message him (as they all do to get you to jump onto their live), he never replied or anything like that. He paid the bare minimum for the minutes, only ever private which is where there is multiple people in the chat at one time, never paid for exclusive sessions with just them. He also never sent any other money to them.

Ultimately, to them, he was a huge cheapskate and would never have caught there attention because he was never a big spender and probably didn’t make much difference to their earning in the slightest. He would only pay for like 3-6 minutes a time, and said he would start himself off before paying so he didn’t have to pay for too long.

You know, my ex was still being shady and dishonest with financials for years, until I fully entangled myself from him. He cost me so much money!
Now I am very much like "if someone shows you who they are believe them." I think I had to learn it the hard way.

Your appetite will come back. You need to give yourself more time.

Maybe a form of group therapy could also be helpful in your situation.

You are still too focused on him (which is normal I guess), but try to focus on you and what you want.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I think unless you've been in this situation you have no idea how hurtful and soul destroying this is, to find out that a long term partner is keeping all these grubby secrets, and lying to you constantly. It makes you think you're going insane and it's like the death of a relationship because you can't see them any other way then. If you stay with the person who has betrayed you, you have to learn to love them again and to love yourself. Because it can crush your self worth completely.

Anyone going through this I urge you to put yourself first no matter how anyone tries to guilt trip you or make light of your feelings. We all have different boundaries and if it was that easy, emotionally and financially to just "walk away" there'd be a hell of a lot more singles in the world. Sometimes it's just not an option to up and leave if you can't afford it or have the strength to. So you have to look at how else you can navigate the situation

You are right and it is something that I do not understand.

I think my advice sounds harsh because I find it hard to understand.

Especially if it is felt that the relationship was good and if the conduct/ disrespect continues.

Of course I understand that it can be problematic financially, but I guess outside of financial worries I do not understand why someone would stay in a relationship where they feel disrespected/betrayed/lied to on an ongoing basis.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

Hi lovely, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, it is not uncommon at all. Unless he reaches out for help from professionals then I wouldn’t be putting your efforts into him. Sounds like he has porn addiction. Addiction is a horrible thing, regardless of whatever it is.

The thing with porn addiction a lot of people don’t understand is how actually dangerous it is. I have seen many men be arrested for possessing extreme pornography as well as indecent images of child and most cite porn addiction as the cause of ending up there. Obviously not all will but it’s like anything with addiction, you start off small and then need more and take part in riskier behaviour as time goes on. The fallout this behaviour has on families is absolutely massive, particularly where children are concerned because social services become involved. Again, I’m not saying he would ever be involved with such material but just trying to show how dangerous porn addiction can be.

No matter how much we love someone or try to help them, the only person who can commit to change is the person themselves. There are some apps you can download to monitor his activity if you decide to support him, accountable2you being a highly recommended one. Please make sure you look after yourself and reach out for support

 

[ChubClubThug]

I need to figure out how to do the whole data thing I’m clueless!

If you're on tiktok you should be able to watch a tutorial. You can do it for fb too. Highly recommended to catch a cheat and get closure. Sorry you've been put in this position. Men are dicks and I hope he's being honest with you