Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition

[Rebeclou]

It’s so sad how common this is. I’m in a similar situation at the moment and I really thought it would never happen to us. I’m with my partner 6+ years and we’re meant to be getting married soon. We have always spoken about trust and he has spoken passionately about how he hates when men cheat and that he would never do it to me. He goes to an event with his friends every year and he goes out without me all the time. I never had any doubts because he filled me with confidence. We were out together a few weeks ago and when we got home he was a bit drunk and wasn’t talking to me. I noticed he was snap chatting someone. When he fell asleep I checked his phone and couldn’t find Snapchat on it. He had hidden it so I had to go on safari and search for it to login. When I logged in there were snaps sent to a girl I didn’t know. I checked and they were friends since the weekend he had been at the event. When I confronted him he said he was just friends with her that they had similar interests and he didn’t want to tell me because I wouldn’t understand. He told me she was in the house with his friend( who also has a long term girlfriend) they were staying in briefly one night. I had a gut feeling that it was more than that. I asked to see his phone again and I was looking at how to download his data and I told him I wanted to see the messages to put my mind at ease. He freaked out, pulled the phone off me and left.
Later on I threatened to tell his friends girlfriend that the girl was in the house with her boyfriend and he told me he would kill himself if I did as he would have nobody left. I ignored this because he was threatened this before and said I needed to find out the truth because I hadn’t heard it yet. He told me that she said she thought he was good looking and he said she was so nice and a lovely person. She asked him to meet up and he said no that can never happen I have a long term girlfriend. ( I believed this at first because I text the girl on Snapchat asking if she knew he had a girlfriend and she said it was one of the first things he told her and not to worry it was nothing like that). I don’t believe either of them and I think he cheated, in my eyes he was already cheated with the texting. The date he added her and was talking to her was when my grandad was dying and I was spending all my time with him. I’m finding it hard to process it all because he had made me believe he would never betray my trust. He is now begging for another chance, telling me he will start therapy. He said the only reason he kept talking to her was because he loved the attention and he was flattered by it. He has told me he won’t drink anymore because he met her when he was drunk. He said he will get therapy for a long time before he expects me to take him back. At the moment only my close family know because I’m finding it too overwhelming and can’t bare to tell anyone else yet so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[DanaScully]

My ex was 100% emotionally cheating online and I saw the evidence with my own eyes. When I raised it as an issue and wanted to have it out, I was always shut down and gaslit.

She used an online chat site with virtual characters where she built up strange relationships with people who she then exchanged phone numbers with. She had no interest in me whatsoever and would basically ignore me, even when I was upset and begging for any sort of acknowledgement or attention. She maintains she never cheated but IMO it doesn't have to be physical to be deception.

I decided enough was enough and left her after many years together. My confidence was on the floor but I'm now in an extremely happy and healthy relationship with a beautiful woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

[ChubClubThug]

One of my friend’s boyfriend is constantly liking and befriending other women on Instagram, she doesn’t have it and I think she chooses ignorance so she doesn’t have to see it. I’ve always had a bad vibe about him and a few have said things to her in the past but she chooses to ignore.

A few weeks ago I mentioned to my sister I’d been asked to be a bridesmaid for my friend’s wedding (I’ll be there but I don’t agree with it and don’t think she should’ve said yes)…. She asked me who the groom was and when I told her she said he’d added her on Snapchat and had been chatting to her. He knows full well she’s my sister too so I’m raging but I’m old enough to know that judging from previous revelations it would do no good to say anything.

I truly believe men who are interested in liking photos of other women on social media and following them etc. should be ran away from at the highest speed possible. It’s sad in the short term but in the long term it will save you your sanity, tears and potentially so much more. These red flags are a blessing in disguise.
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He's got his fishing rod out. Only a matter of time before he cheats. Why do these scumbags bother getting married? If they're already trying to break the vows. It's a lack of self control and respect for their women and women in general

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Thank you. I had years of therapy where it brought so much into light, and now I can look at this experience as something that happened. He was so mentally abusive that some things kind of got locked away in my memory. He’s a predatory dangerous man. I feel very sorry for the girl he married because I’m sure she will be going through the mental and physical abuse he put me through.

I don’t think people realise how dangerous porn can become. As my ex became more addicted to it the more attached to the unrealistic expectations he got too.

Spoiler: TW

It got to the point where he’d put ridiculous pressure on me to have sex and I got more and more anxious to the point i just couldn’t go through with it or I would just agree to protect myself from an argument. Things came to a head when he took advantage of me when I was drunk and passed out. Part of me would love to report him and get justice and protect others but I just feels like there’s no point, and I don’t think I’d get anywhere/that people would believe me

There’s a massive correlation to porn addiction and indecent images of children too - not saying at all is the case with your ex or anyone who has porn addiction. I’ve read hundreds of hours of reports and things about it and it’s frightening how many offenders spiralled from porn addiction to things involving children. Pornhub actually teamed up with a charity which works to prevent online exploitation of children, they have a function within their search now where if someone searches for something iffy it points them to support. I wish there was more awareness about stuff like this, besides from it damaging lots of women due to their partners behaviour it is also a very slippery slope to illegal behaviour

 

[Mamacita]

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years and also have a baby together.. he has a hobby that I’m not interested in and I was looking through his insta and came across some girls he follows that also have the same hobby and go to the same place. Looking through their pics and I found a few that he’s liked which were all pretty much half naked.. I confronted him a few days later he apologised and unfollowed and unliked and that was kind of the end of that. Obviously I was very upset but trying to forget about it. However while going through his phone one night(he let me) I noticed his Snapchat was in a random folder on his phone not with the rest of social media apps. I guessed it was just because he never used it anymore which I didn’t think he did.. however last night I managed to grab his phone for a sec and turn it off ghost mode so I can see when he goes on, not bothered where he is just when he’s on it! Turns out he’s on his ALL the time. The second he leaves the room I check maps and there he is straight on it. His Snapchat score isn’t going any higher so I was a bit confused but then I googled and it turns out the score doesn’t go up from just messages, it has to be pics or videos. Soooo do we think he’s messaging someone on there???? Whenever I have looked in the past I’ve seen no messages from anyone but it’s a bit too weird to be on it that much especially the second one of us leaves the room

I think you need to have a serious conversation as clearly something isn't right and you don't trust him anyway. Not sure if it matters if he's messaging on Snapchat, hrs clearly hiding something and youre already distrustful enough of him to have to check his phone

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.



Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.



There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.



The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.



Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.



He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.



How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?



He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.



In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.



Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).



He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.

Any thoughts on how I should deal with this? I feel so betrayed but addiction is a really difficult one to deal with.

Obviously I don't know your partner, but the general pattern seems to be that they get caught, claim it's an addiction (which I'm not saying it isn't but it's almost like a 'well I couldn't help it i was addicted' mentality). Then they stay clean for a while until they start to need a fix again because they are bored or whatever.

You don't know he didn't have favourites - you only know what he's told you.

I can't tell you what to do but I would suggest he deal with his addiction on his own whilst not in a relationship. You deserve better and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm in my forties now but put up with this sort of shit in my early twenties and I actually believed I was irrational and controlling. I thought other women didn't mind their men looking at porn/ going to strip clubs etc so what was wrong with me? But in fact it's something that I would just not tolerate in a relationship and that is my boundary.

I hope you and your little one will be okay xx

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I really wonder if I am on the wrong track here.

But how can it be a good and trusting relationship if you are tempted to look at his phone whilst he is asleep, and then actually do it and then say you saw the new yahoo app so "naturally" opened it?
This is also a huge breach of trust and privacy.

You must have had any form of suspicion or bad feeling or mistrust, anything at all to make you look at his phone.

Then him staying over too often and sleeping with you, which makes you feel bad - you do not uphold your own boundaries, nor does he respect them.

He does not want to lose you, but should give you the space you need and go home and not sleep with you when you are feeling like this.
And you must uphold your own boundaries and send him home.

It is good that he can stay at his father's place.
You could fix times for him to see your son, times for the two of you to talk and ideally joint therapy sessions.

But it sounds like you have not had a breather to collect your own thoughts and feelings. Maybe try to have a weekend on your own.

 

[StarsAroundMyScars]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

i'm so sorry this is happening to you, it's not your fault in any way. i'll be honest, i am absolutely shocked by his behaviour as a fellow woman and you are absolutely right to be upset.

I just really don't understand the mindset. what is he actually doing, is it really worth losing your life and family just so you can rub your penis to random women. its especially creepy and too far going on women's instagram, facebooks and social medias to get off to innocent photos. it actually makes my skin crawl the thought of uploading an innocent photo of myself and a man touching themselves to it.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am willing to bet he has spoken and engaged in contact with women on the sex chat app.

It's so so hard to leave a relationship especially when you have a family, so i feel for you so much i honestly think you need to though, just for your mental clarity. you deserve so much better than this. unless he really recognises the issue in himself, he will never change and will continue this behaviour until his d*ck stops working.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Thank you I appreciate that.

I'm kind of over it at this stage, I really think most men are the same and sort of have a better the devil you know mindset? If we were to break up I don't see myself getting into another relationship.

I don't think he's changed much no, just excuse after excuse and no motivation to change or make anything better. I'm still reeling from the betrayal and he thinking I should stop bringing it up.

I'd rather be unhappy single than spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't respect me so yeah, I've kinda checked out from him and the relationship.

Not all men are the same and you won’t be unhappy single (well not after the first part of adjusting anyways). There will be a guy out there who is thrilled to be with you so fuck your silly guy off and focus on yourself. Dress up, treat yourself, look after yourself, work on your self-esteem and realise that you can do better than him. We are all guilty of wasting time on losers and only hindsight makes us wonder why we did it… You deserve better

 

[ChubClubThug]

This might be a bit of an essay but I wanted to share just incase anyone saw themselves in this.

My ex did this to me for years. When we first got together he was open that he had Facebook- we were a part of each other’s social media world. It was before the days of Snapchat etc so most of his cheating was via text. our relationship seemed good, very few red flags in the beginning. I was young and naive so when I saw him messaging his ex saying “she was the only girl he ever loved” etc. I was really shocked because it came out of nowhere. We talked about things, I believed his excuse of it being kind (didn’t want to upset her while she was in hospital). I watched as he deleted her number and carried on. Weeks pass an out of the blue a different ex is calling him at night. He told me she was crazy and a bit of a stalker. I believed him. A month passes and he’s scrolling through his contact list and i spotted the ex he deleted in there. He sat and gaslit me and for some reason I was the villain in the situation. Then we went to a party with his uni mates. He’d slept with one of his flat mates friends before and made out she was another of these people messaging him all the time flirting. I remember her looking upset seeing us together and part of me now wonders what stories he’d fed her.

Things got even worse when he started becoming more and more addicted to porn. He had no job and kept dropping out of uni and would Spend hours with porn on. Towards the end of the relationship some of the searches he made were vile- clearly looking for young / teenage looking/ dressed women.

His behaviour with his exes made me super paranoid. I’d borrow his laptop and find that he’d been searching for his ex and other women he’d been friends with repeatedly- looking through their pictures. Even had a hidden folder with images. I taught myself how to look through computer registry to find internet history that had been deleted just to be one step ahead because every time I confronted him he’d get sneakier.

Out of the blue about in he decided to get rid of social media and tried to convince me to do the same. I refused. After a few months I was scrolling through the friends list of my work friend and spotted his name. He was back on Facebook and hadn’t told me. He had a friends list full of women but he reckoned it was an old account and nothing to be worried about. We’d regularly have a conversation about me deleting guy friends from Facebook and him agreeing to delete the women he didn’t really know. I held up my end and he carried on as normal. Out of the blue his ex (who’d been calling him) added him and they got super chatty on Facebook. He convinced me it was harmless and we carried on as normal.

Then I started getting weird messages on Facebook saying to pay them money or they’d expose his pictures watching porn. And tbh I think it was just one of those scams but my ex absolutely shit himself. Closed all his accounts again. Vanished off the internet.

Somehow after this, he met a girl online (17, he was 27 at the time). She lived in America so he concocted a scheme to out there on an “internship”, proposed to her and then came home as normal. Obvs when I found out there was no way I would stay with them. 6 years down the drain.
For some reason even now his socials come up on my “people you may know”. I no longer have Facebook but in the last few years he’s had half a dozen Instagram accounts- none with his wife as a friend, and sometimes trying to arrange to meet with women. I block when I spot them now

Wow complete and utter narc. People like this are dangerous. It reads like something out of a film, but it's amazingly quite common. Just people don't want to talk about the porn element. This is what I was trying to explain to the other poster, if he's going to the effort of saving the pics, it's just the tip of the iceberg. He's probably doing similar to her sadly.

These creatures just go around damaging woman and bringing them down until they are as damaged as they are. I hope you have found some healing from this situation, it's absolutely awful what he put you through and you deffo deserved better!

 

[no-no]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

He’ll never stop this behaviour nor grow out of it, not completely. It’s not a reflection of your desirability either, it’s his issue. Therapy is definitely the best bet as it doesn’t sound like you’d want to leave him. Try not to issue any more ultimatums if you’re not prepared to follow through. Once you’ve worked on your self-esteem you might find you’re less willing to accept this behaviour from a partner and you’re actually stronger than you think.

 

[Unknown345]

I agree. He is telling you what you want to hear & things like him decorating your bedroom is just him trying to get into your good books @Unknown345 has he actually done any genuine work on himself or just blamed his addiction and that’s it? You don’t appear to be upholding any boundaries, are still sleeping with him..what actual consequences has he faced aside from going to stay at his dad’s which he isn’t actually doing? All that’s happening is he is learning what he can get away with.

Hi, essentially yes, he is trying to get into my good books of course! But how do you decide the line between someone who is actually remorseful and doing everything in their power to make it up to you and someone who is just trying to pull a fast one? I mean that as a genuine question, because either way would look similar I guess?

In terms of working on himself, during this time he didn’t reach out for help. He did delete his account a few times but as reactivation is easy, he always ended up back on there. He said he didn’t seek help because of how embarrassed he was about it. Now though, he has reached out to therapists and booked in sessions. He has also reached out to family and friends too. He’s looked into software that can monitor his phone and send me alerts to any adult content being viewed (I think he is just trying to offer as much as possible to fix this situation).

I don’t disagree with your points on sleeping with him, but please do keep in mind that this is very traumatic for me and a lot of my actions will be trauma based. I currently feel very hypersexualised and it is 100% from the emotions in my mind. The brain works in strange ways unfortunately so I hope I’m not being judged for this!

 

[katyazamo]

This thread brings back some tough memories. I had a partner for around 4 years with a porn addiction and I've since moved on but the scars are still there.

I never went snooping, in fact I had no reason to not trust him. I remember so vividly he gave me his laptop to search for something while he went to the loo, and a cam/porn site popped up. It started with the same few letters as what I was searching for (good one, auto complete). It all blew up immediately. Then it somehow got worse from there. A particular low point was discovering intimate photos of his best friends ex girlfriend on his laptop, there were maybe only three or four but I have absolutely no idea how he had them. Strangely they weren't even "porn" as such, but were low quality photos of her in a bra/half undressed. They were very old too judging by the camera quality.

Actually, one time we were in the car and he connected his phone to play music. The car just has a text display when you connect to bluetooth. Anyway it somehow pulled up whatever his phone was currently playing and it wasn't Spotify, it was something from fucking only fans. You couldn't make it up.

It ate me alive in the end. I had constant anxiety which had knock on effects, physically (regularly had nausea and would throw up, my stomach was always upset, palpitations etc) and even when things seemed to be OK, I was a wreck. I couldn't shake it.

No advice other than you have to do what's right for you. It IS possible for men to get past a porn addiction but it's very hard work and unfortunately, my ex didn't want to commit to it. It's also very hard to be the partner of an addict. It's so easy to say just leave - in reality it isn't that simple.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

This is exactly how difficult it is. You really do pour a huge amount of love into a person over 8 years. I thought he was different, loyal. I am still finding it hard to look at him and see the things he has done because it’s the same person I loved looking back at me and it doesn’t even feel real. Especially as it’s been 6 years, in those years we welcomed a child, have had so many amazing memories and had a very happy relationship…. I now know this was happening but how can I process what happened when I was so happy for those years?

We all have our secrets and our bad habits. Granted, most of us, especially women, aren’t partaking in what your partner is but nobody is perfect. Life is difficult and sometimes it makes us do silly things which can lead to addiction. I don’t think you can discount your happy times from his mistakes. I’m very understanding and forgiving of that type of behaviour because I’ve worked with worse levels of it in a professional sense so know that people can get better and stop doing it, although it’s not an easy road. The only ones who don’t are the ones who don’t acknowledge their problem, don’t communicate and don’t seek support.

Whilst there is no right or wrong answer in staying or leaving, the best thing any woman can do is always make sure you will be okay if things don’t work out, have a running away fund so to speak and never put all of your eggs in one basket. Men can be so fickle whereas most women are committed and loyal to the core, we must protect ourselves.

 

[codered]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

 

[Unknown345]

Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.



Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.



There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.



The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.



Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.



He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.



How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?



He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.



In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.



Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).



He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.

Any thoughts on how I should deal with this? I feel so betrayed but addiction is a really difficult one to deal with.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

It’s a bit odd how he would delete her, if there was nothing iffy going on then surely he’d keep her and say honestly there’s nothing in it and only delete her if you continue to express unhappiness at it. I would say maybe reach out to her if you can and ask but some women can’t be trusted so if anything has gone on she may lie anyways.

 

[ChubClubThug]

It's really really complicated. Because they haven't actually physically cheated (yet!), it will make you doubt yourself. I think for me, unless the person really really showed that they were willing to change their ways fully, had full transparency in absolutely everything they did, with their phone, life, bank accounts etc. I couldn't stay and would be looking at ways to get out, however long it took me.

It sounds simple and straightforward on paper how you should deal with it, but it really does suck the life and essence out of you.

People laugh and call others vanilla for not wanting their man to watch porn, and only fans and soft porn is so socially acceptable these days, you're made to feel stupid for not accepting the perving and lack of self control.

 

[ChubClubThug]

I've just found out my partner has been following a load of naked women on Instagram. He repeatedly stated he "doesn't do social media", so I never bothered looking for him on there. Saw notifications when I was borrowing his phone.

Now my mind is going into overdrive, thinking if he is interacting with these women, if he goes on only fans etc.

We are due to get married later this year.

I feel sick.

This isn't a great sign is it. Why lie about being on social media if there is nothing to hide? Apart from naked women of course...

I'd be asking to see his phone and then I'd go through it with a fine tooth comb. If he refuses I think you've got your answers. Does he allow you access to bank statements? His PayPal? Apple pay or anything similar?

If he's on iphone go on the apple store to see what apps he's been downloading. If he's got instagram, he's probably got a Facebook somewhere

Find out which email address he used for the instagram and find out what other media he's on. Common ones for micro cheating are;

Facebook
Twitter
Snapchat
Reddit
Instagram
TikTok
Google pictures/chat

If you can get access to his emails, go on to only fans, put his email into the log in and click password reminder. If anything comes through he's on there.

There's loads of apps like cash app, WhatsApp, telegram etc. They use for this sort of thing. Also websites like Ashely Madison, Adult Friend Finder, Red Tube etc. Soda cam. Adult work, Adult Seek

This may sound extreme to some people but I think you need to be sure before you go ahead and marry someone who's hiding things from you. It may just be petty things, but always trust your gut. This is sadly so common these days

 

[ChubClubThug]

Thanks for the reply. Tbh I have thought about making an instagram to do that before, but the thought just makes me feel anxious and sick almost like I'd rather not know. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
I did look through his phone a few weeks ago, he has an iPhone and the home button is broken so I couldn't get a proper look through, it was when he was asleep and my heart was racing!!
I didn't find anything too bad, but I wasn't able to check everything I wanted and I'm too scared to do it again, incase I fuck up and he finds out.
I'm on tiktok so I already know aboht Jourdan, honestly I just feel so bad for her she'd nearly be better off just ending things with her husband (if only I could take my own advice lol)
We're long distance as well, I feel better when we're together but when he goes home I get so paranoid that when he's not replying to me he's looking at other girls. I know he would never cheat physically.
As another user said also, I'm beginning to hate the women that make these thirst trap posts. I think it's awful carry on.
My bf did admit to me as well that he also did the same when he was with his beautiful ex, so yeah you're right it probably isn't a me issue as such but still makes me feel grim.
Apologies for the ramble, I'm feeling very emotional and not myself at all

Trust me, they hide it well. It is a hard decision to make. So he knows he has a problem, but isn't willing to change his behaviour? That's not a good sign tbh. I don't think I'd want to stay with someone who wasn't willing to change actions that they know causes their partner a lot of distress. He's already damaged you, you have to ask yourself hard is he really worth this pain? You could get years down the line and find our worse and the damage would be deeper and harder to repair.

If he's on iphone you can check his locations and where he's been. But If he's saving pics I can guarantee you it goes further than that. Hope you can find some peace and believe that you deffo deserve better