Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition

[babylemonade]

back again with another update!!

so I'm still with my bf, in August it will have been 2 years since the first incident and in June it will be 1 year since the last.

have things gotten better?

really hard to say. I've had countless discussions with him, and he's unfollowed over 1,200 people on instagram but still has plenty more to go.

I told him the other day if he doesn't have it finally sorted put before the next time he comes to see me, then don't bother coming.

I'm still thinking about the things I've seen and how it made me feel everyday. some days are better than others but for the most part I'm still suffering over this still with no one to talk to about it.

I've been trying and failing to lose weight, buying new clothes and making more of an effort to look after myself and my appearance for myself not him, but I still feel super low and disgusted with how I look and I can't stop comparing myself to pretty girls online and irl.

I know this thread has been pretty dead but just wanted to vent again x

 

[jimmyj123]

How did you find out after? Was it snapchat? How far have the messages gone?

Well he actually deleted her after I wrote on here…. But weird I just confronted him tonight and he told me everything, apparently all friendly chats but who knows because the messages are obviously no where to be seen! I asked how long he’s been chatting expecting him to say a few days but no… since early jan

 

[Unknown345]

I think unless you've been in this situation you have no idea how hurtful and soul destroying this is, to find out that a long term partner is keeping all these grubby secrets, and lying to you constantly. It makes you think you're going insane and it's like the death of a relationship because you can't see them any other way then. If you stay with the person who has betrayed you, you have to learn to love them again and to love yourself. Because it can crush your self worth completely.

Anyone going through this I urge you to put yourself first no matter how anyone tries to guilt trip you or make light of your feelings. We all have different boundaries and if it was that easy, emotionally and financially to just "walk away" there'd be a hell of a lot more singles in the world. Sometimes it's just not an option to up and leave if you can't afford it or have the strength to. So you have to look at how else you can navigate the situation

This is exactly how difficult it is. You really do pour a huge amount of love into a person over 8 years. I thought he was different, loyal. I am still finding it hard to look at him and see the things he has done because it’s the same person I loved looking back at me and it doesn’t even feel real. Especially as it’s been 6 years, in those years we welcomed a child, have had so many amazing memories and had a very happy relationship…. I now know this was happening but how can I process what happened when I was so happy for those years?

 

[ChubClubThug]

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years and also have a baby together.. he has a hobby that I’m not interested in and I was looking through his insta and came across some girls he follows that also have the same hobby and go to the same place. Looking through their pics and I found a few that he’s liked which were all pretty much half naked.. I confronted him a few days later he apologised and unfollowed and unliked and that was kind of the end of that. Obviously I was very upset but trying to forget about it. However while going through his phone one night(he let me) I noticed his Snapchat was in a random folder on his phone not with the rest of social media apps. I guessed it was just because he never used it anymore which I didn’t think he did.. however last night I managed to grab his phone for a sec and turn it off ghost mode so I can see when he goes on, not bothered where he is just when he’s on it! Turns out he’s on his ALL the time. The second he leaves the room I check maps and there he is straight on it. His Snapchat score isn’t going any higher so I was a bit confused but then I googled and it turns out the score doesn’t go up from just messages, it has to be pics or videos. Soooo do we think he’s messaging someone on there???? Whenever I have looked in the past I’ve seen no messages from anyone but it’s a bit too weird to be on it that much especially the second one of us leaves the room

Very dodgy. He's either chatting to someone or watching thirst traps galore. If you can get hold of his phone/email you can download his snapchat data and see what he's been upto, who he's followed/unfollowed and when etc. You can see when he's logged in, locations. It's an eye-opener.

I'd also be looking into this hobby of his a bit more. Why is he liking half naked pics of someone who just happens to go to the same place? It could be nothing but I wouldn't like it at all

ETA if he's like this on snapchat, I hate to alarm you but it's probably the tip of the iceberg. If he's on android he can have a secret folder. He can hide pics on an iphone. There's a whole host of tricks to conceal stuff on a mobile sadly.

 

[Sunflower91]

Hi everyone, thought I'd come here and give an update and to try and get this thread going again.

So if you've read through my previous posts, you'll see what I've been dealing with in the last year or so now.

After the last incident, I stayed with my bf but still had my doubts about what he was up to whenever we were apart.

Last week I went to visit him and on the second night I was there, I thought I saw something suspicious on his phone. He went for a shower so I decided to check the messaging app (Telegram) to see if I was right. He took his phone with him but I looked on his laptop since he has the app on there as well.

I didn't find what I was looking for but what I did find was much worse.

He had tons of porn saved, tiktoks and worst of all I saw he was looking up my old housemate who was a horrible bitch and he always swore was "rotten".

I've been absolutely devastated since, I confronted him that night about it and he didn't have much to say apart from "I don't know" or I "wouldnt understand"

He also was downloading porn on his birthday weekend camping trip that I wasn't invited too cause it was a guys only trip.

I feel like an absolute fool and you probably won't be surprised to hear I'm still with him.
I want to leave but I just can't I'm not ready yet even after all this betrayal

I can't really talk to anyone about this, my close friend is fed up of listening and not surprised at all when I tell her.

I can only speak from my experiences but I found that my ex would also look up people he said he didn’t like, people they were “just friends”, as well as his exes. I once even found a folder with pictures he’d saved to his computer and it was clear it was more than snooping/having a nosey. I think for him porn didn’t always play into his fantasies and he wanted something more real.

When you confront him about it, other than saying those things how else does he behave? Does he say anything about you looking at his phone or talk about whether you trust him or not?

 

[ChubClubThug]

Well he actually deleted her after I wrote on here…. But weird I just confronted him tonight and he told me everything, apparently all friendly chats but who knows because the messages are obviously no where to be seen! I asked how long he’s been chatting expecting him to say a few days but no… since early jan

I'd put money on him telling you some lies there....if he had nothing to hide, why not show you the messages? I bet it's longer than that. There's a reason cheats use snapchat, the messages disappear unless they're saved. Try and get his data, it may show a different story. If he won't let you look through his phone freely and he looks nervous. ....

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

I always think that some women see it as some kind of achievement if they can tempt a bloke who has a partner. If he has a pretty girlfriend or wife, they see it as a challenge. Home wrecking dogs, and unfaithful men are absolute dogs. It would give me a major ICK if a guy I was chatting to had a partner

ABSOLUTELY! I know this to be true from speaking to women who have done it and knowing how stalked I was at the time. They watch the girlfriend’s/wife’s social media more than the guy they’re chatting to and get a buzz from it. One of my ex’s sidepieces came to one of his events and had the audacity to sit next to me and tell me how nice I was because she thought I was going to be stuck up - before I knew about her, they know no shame!

 

[jimmyj123]

I'd put money on him telling you some lies there....if he had nothing to hide, why not show you the messages? I bet it's longer than that. There's a reason cheats use snapchat, the messages disappear unless they're saved. Try and get his data, it may show a different story. If he won't let you look through his phone freely and he looks nervous. ....

I need to figure out how to do the whole data thing I’m clueless!

 

[Sabbie]

Thank you everyone for this recent discussion. I seen a few tattle discussions where women give men a pass for their porn addictions and obsessions. Like it's supposed to be the normal part of being a man. No. It's NOT!

 

[ChubClubThug]

Hi everyone, thought I'd come here and give an update and to try and get this thread going again.

So if you've read through my previous posts, you'll see what I've been dealing with in the last year or so now.

After the last incident, I stayed with my bf but still had my doubts about what he was up to whenever we were apart.

Last week I went to visit him and on the second night I was there, I thought I saw something suspicious on his phone. He went for a shower so I decided to check the messaging app (Telegram) to see if I was right. He took his phone with him but I looked on his laptop since he has the app on there as well.

I didn't find what I was looking for but what I did find was much worse.

He had tons of porn saved, tiktoks and worst of all I saw he was looking up my old housemate who was a horrible bitch and he always swore was "rotten".

I've been absolutely devastated since, I confronted him that night about it and he didn't have much to say apart from "I don't know" or I "wouldnt understand"

He also was downloading porn on his birthday weekend camping trip that I wasn't invited too cause it was a guys only trip.

I feel like an absolute fool and you probably won't be surprised to hear I'm still with him.
I want to leave but I just can't I'm not ready yet even after all this betrayal

I can't really talk to anyone about this, my close friend is fed up of listening and not surprised at all when I tell her.

Do you believe him that it was a "guys only camping trip"? Is there proof of this? Why did he ban his girlfriend on his birthday? That's odd.

Telegram is a cesspit app. It's the no.1 app for buying drugs and cheating... there's sex groups, hook up threads, it tells you who is near by. It should be banned.

He took his phone to shower? Massive red flag. I would also be very concerned about the ex housemate. He says he didn't like her and she was horrible to you? Were they sleeping together?

It sounds like he's got a major porn and sex addiction. Unless he's willing to change (which it sounds like he isn't) sorry to tell you, you've got no chance of sorting this out. His responses are like those of a naughty teenager.

 

[WhatABore]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

I have to second what others have said about getting yourself therapy of some kind.
I was in the same situation (although I was young) I left him 12 years ago and it is something that has affected me since in every relationship and still does, although not as much. So I would highly recommend finding some support/therapy for yourself!

 

[Okgolightly]

Obviously I don't know your partner, but the general pattern seems to be that they get caught, claim it's an addiction (which I'm not saying it isn't but it's almost like a 'well I couldn't help it i was addicted' mentality). Then they stay clean for a while until they start to need a fix again because they are bored or whatever.

You don't know he didn't have favourites - you only know what he's told you.

I can't tell you what to do but I would suggest he deal with his addiction on his own whilst not in a relationship. You deserve better and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm in my forties now but put up with this sort of shit in my early twenties and I actually believed I was irrational and controlling. I thought other women didn't mind their men looking at porn/ going to strip clubs etc so what was wrong with me? But in fact it's something that I would just not tolerate in a relationship and that is my boundary.

I hope you and your little one will be okay xx

I agree. He is telling you what you want to hear & things like him decorating your bedroom is just him trying to get into your good books @Unknown345 has he actually done any genuine work on himself or just blamed his addiction and that’s it? You don’t appear to be upholding any boundaries, are still sleeping with him..what actual consequences has he faced aside from going to stay at his dad’s which he isn’t actually doing? All that’s happening is he is learning what he can get away with.

 

[Unknown345]

How would you know he hadn’t deleted his replies? He’s still maxed out cards with his ‘cheapskate’ ways.

Sorry you’re having to go through it but skimming over your posts, it really stinks. They seem to follow the same script. He’s showing all the usual signs of being backed in a corner and promising to change. Rinse and repeat. What are the men like in his family?

Not to add another thing to your worry list but I was shocked to find there are pros on Twitter who sleep with men for free. Gross but they don’t even have to pay for it these days.

Nothing was deleted on the account, I checked and there wasn’t an option to delete messages. He also didn’t delete any of the receipts on the email either so he was quite content with the extent of hiding he had gone too and wasn’t really trying too hard other than one deleted app! It was only there because he had to verify his account so redownloaded it and then forgot to remove it again. Rookie error on his part that was!

One thing we have never been through as a couple is him promising not to do something and not sticking to it, purely because we never had a reason to go through that before. I have very little trust in him right now, of course, so I am absolutely keeping in mind that this could all be empty promises! I think this would have to be part of my processing if I decided to give it one last shot, I would have to be fully aware that this could crop up again and tbh, I’m not sure at this point if that’s what I want. I’m still very much in decision making mode and it’s really not as easy as it sounds. I’ve always been theperson that wouldn’t tolerate shit, but this has blindsided and shocked me so much that I genuinely feel stuck on what to do!

The men in his family are great though I will say. His friends too. Everyone is shocked by this and disappointed in him. Not one person has condoned his actions in the slightest. If you were to meet him, I think you would be shocked too, he’s a very pleasant polite person away from this. Well respected as a hard worker in his industry etc. This isn’t to make you think differently of him, but just to put into perspective that it’s not always the people you think would act like this. It’s clearly very often “good people” in everyday life. It’s definitely opened my eyes that’s for sure!

 

[Unknown345]

It is understandable how you feel.

But is there no way you could get a break, even if it is just for the weekend?
How can you sort out your thoughts and feelings if you have no space?
---


Why did you look at his phone?
What would have happened if you would not have looked at his phone?

I actually couldn’t tell you why I looked. We have always been on each others phones, not to snoop, but just over the years using each others phones for things. We never had any issue with things being hidden (from what I knew at the time). I was actually on his phone a lot around this time as I was emailing a company from his email address (with his knowledge). When I snooped I just had an intuition to look at his apps, I can’t even really say I was looking for anything just being a bit nosey. That’s why I realized the yahoo email app as he never used yahoo and I had been using the IPhone email app to respond to the company, so knew straight away it was odd.

I even trusted him so much that at first I thought it was those silly spam emails we all get sometimes, but I recognized the last 4 digits of a card number on the receipt that made me think… oh maybe this is real

 

[Unknown345]

I was in a similar situation, a seemingly good and strong relationship ended abruptly (not because of cheating or corn or anything like that), he had decided to accept a job abroad without discussing it with me (leaving me on my own with the whole mortgage and all other obligations - i found this unacceptable and ended it), and I wish I would have focused less on him and more on me and had gotten a proper therapist.

I have an introductory call with a therapist on Friday morning,my doctors have also put me in touch with the community talking therapy team as I have not been eating very much at all for the last 2 weeks. No appetite as my mind is so full of other thoughts that food isn’t even something I remember I need! I’m having good and bad moments currently. Each day my mind goes from “we can TRY to move forward with this, with professional help” to “I can’t do this”. Constantly back and forth with it!
sorry to hear about your situation too, that sucks just as much! Bad things always happen to good people
---
Another to add: he has given me access to the emails, webcam log in and only fans log in. I have all the evidence, bank statements etc. I can see that he never messaged any of them outside of the webcam sessions. They would spam message him (as they all do to get you to jump onto their live), he never replied or anything like that. He paid the bare minimum for the minutes, only ever private which is where there is multiple people in the chat at one time, never paid for exclusive sessions with just them. He also never sent any other money to them.

Ultimately, to them, he was a huge cheapskate and would never have caught there attention because he was never a big spender and probably didn’t make much difference to their earning in the slightest. He would only pay for like 3-6 minutes a time, and said he would start himself off before paying so he didn’t have to pay for too long.

 

[ChubClubThug]

I've noticed a rise in these subjects on all platforms of social media. Apparently it is on the rise within relationships and sadly, extremely common. The biggest offending platforms that people use to cheat being Only Fans, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, SnapChat.

I thought I would start a thread where people could share their experiences of such topics, how they've dealt with it, advice, what they have experienced and how it's affecting their lives.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

My advice would be for you to leave him and for YOU to have therapy to come to terms with having a partner who has done this to you and left you with such low self esteem. I think even if he quit now you would always be wondering and checking what he's been up to as he has destroyed your trust.

ETA I'm so.sorry he has done this, you deserve better.

 

[ChubClubThug]

Thank you. I had years of therapy where it brought so much into light, and now I can look at this experience as something that happened. He was so mentally abusive that some things kind of got locked away in my memory. He’s a predatory dangerous man. I feel very sorry for the girl he married because I’m sure she will be going through the mental and physical abuse he put me through.

I don’t think people realise how dangerous porn can become. As my ex became more addicted to it the more attached to the unrealistic expectations he got too.

Spoiler: TW

It got to the point where he’d put ridiculous pressure on me to have sex and I got more and more anxious to the point i just couldn’t go through with it or I would just agree to protect myself from an argument. Things came to a head when he took advantage of me when I was drunk and passed out. Part of me would love to report him and get justice and protect others but I just feels like there’s no point, and I don’t think I’d get anywhere/that people would believe me

What a sick, vile beast. He needs locking up and his day will come. The best revenge you can have is healing and living a happy life. You were strong enough to realise that you had to get away, you should be forever proud of yourself for getting out of it. A lot of people don't. Someone will read what you've written and it may be the push they need to address their own toxic situation. As you say, people laugh porn use off but it nearly always over steps the mark and becomes a trigger for further behaviours

If you feel that getting justice would help you heal further then you could look into it, you'd have to think carefully about what would bring you the most peace in your mind. Sometimes it is closing the chapter, sometimes it's opening a can of worms. But don't feel responsible for the new wife, that's on him and I'm sure she knows what he's like. A lot of the time even when you try and help they stick their head in the sand. Hopefully she has the courage to do what you did in the future

 

[Okgolightly]

Hi, essentially yes, he is trying to get into my good books of course! But how do you decide the line between someone who is actually remorseful and doing everything in their power to make it up to you and someone who is just trying to pull a fast one? I mean that as a genuine question, because either way would look similar I guess?

In terms of working on himself, during this time he didn’t reach out for help. He did delete his account a few times but as reactivation is easy, he always ended up back on there. He said he didn’t seek help because of how embarrassed he was about it. Now though, he has reached out to therapists and booked in sessions. He has also reached out to family and friends too. He’s looked into software that can monitor his phone and send me alerts to any adult content being viewed (I think he is just trying to offer as much as possible to fix this situation).

I don’t disagree with your points on sleeping with him, but please do keep in mind that this is very traumatic for me and a lot of my actions will be trauma based. I currently feel very hypersexualised and it is 100% from the emotions in my mind. The brain works in strange ways unfortunately so I hope I’m not being judged for this!

I didn’t intend to judge you at all so I apologise if that’s how it came across. However, I have been there with an addict who says the right things, puts blockers on phones and changes for a grand total of 3 weeks before they are right back to their usual self. I would hate for that to be the situation you find yourself in. If he is serious about therapy, perhaps if you do some joint sessions it will help you both going forward in setting boundaries and what is/isn’t acceptable surrounding his online activities. I wish you lots of luck

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Hi everyone. This is such a hard and personal topic that is soooo not spoken about enough.
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. After 6 months he appeared to have ED, which I then found out was because of porn.
I said to him I really don’t want that in my life or relationship, please stop.

I thought he had stopped until after we had our first child and he turned up at the hospital after nipping out to get a few bits as I’d had a section. He brought me my iPad and it was on private browser mode. I had used it 24 hours previous and knew I’d never put it on that mode so it was obviously.

Very long story short but it has plagued our relationship:
- searched through people on Facebook to find pictures of girls he liked for porn ( still don’t get this one)
- using YouTube such as videos people are taking of girls walking around on nights out
- using instagram, YouTube and Reddit for porn
- in the first year of our relationship he downloaded an anonymous sex chat app but still can’t explain to me why
- no signs of him messaging other women but he did deactivate Snapchat and said he had used that for porn and deleted it to remove the temptation as he was trying to get better
- he has even used depop for porn (I’m not joking)

I threatened to leave him in march last year. He promised to recover. Discovered more again in July. Promised to recover…discovered again in February.

I feel awful, I do love him so much but I have lost all of my self esteem. He has been quite manipulative at times and quite mean in the past. He is getting better but I just find I’m struggling to cope with my life. We have two young children. Really just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t care others and wonder how other women would see this situation. I don’t really have anyone to talk to!

Good morning,

I don't want to be harsh, but I think that he sounds like a douche bag.

In my view, the reason you lost your self-esteem is not because of his behaviour, but because you still stay with him despite having threatened to leave him various times, then accepting his promises of bettering himself only to found out they have been broken, but you still stay with him!

If you do not want to leave him, despite having said that you would if he would not change his behaviour (which he has not changed as you now know), then maybe a break or trial separation would be a solution.
You could get therapy whilst being "on break" and he can do whatever he thinks is appropriate. If he wants to get therapy and cure his addiction it needs to be his choice.

You cannot control what he is doing, but you are in control of your actions.
It is not possible for us to know what drives his behaviour (it could be an addiction with deep-rooted issues or simple boredom coupled with lack of respect for you) but it is possible for you to explore why you are in such a relationship.