Micro Cheating / Cyber Cheating / Corn Addition

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

He's got his fishing rod out. Only a matter of time before he cheats. Why do these scumbags bother getting married? If they're already trying to break the vows. It's a lack of self control and respect for their women and women in general

I feel like a lot of them won’t physically do anything but they get a buzz out of the thrill and potential, also a bit of an ego boost if their interest is reciprocated. Sad little life if you ask me!

 

[ChubClubThug]

I understand is more complicated than watching corn, it is more the kind of corn they chose (seems more personal, not so anonymous) and the frequency, but most importantly them hiding it and essentially leading a double life.

But I can honestly say that I would not want to be in a relationship in which I wanted to check their phones or have full transparncy into their life.
How can this be a good relationship? I honestly do not understand it.

I agree it's definitely not a good relationship. I think that in time the checking of phones etc. Could stop once trust was regained, but some like yourself wouldn't tolerate it at and would be seeking to leave if they could

 

[jimmyj123]

Very dodgy. He's either chatting to someone or watching thirst traps galore. If you can get hold of his phone/email you can download his snapchat data and see what he's been upto, who he's followed/unfollowed and when etc. You can see when he's logged in, locations. It's an eye-opener.

I'd also be looking into this hobby of his a bit more. Why is he liking half naked pics of someone who just happens to go to the same place? It could be nothing but I wouldn't like it at all

ETA if he's like this on snapchat, I hate to alarm you but it's probably the tip of the iceberg. If he's on android he can have a secret folder. He can hide pics on an iphone. There's a whole host of tricks to conceal stuff on a mobile sadly.

Need to find a way to get back on his phone but the boy takes it everywhere with him! need to find more information… i honestly haven’t seen him go in snapchat for years it’s so bizarre! He has an iPhone!

 

[ChubClubThug]

It was a lads only camping trip, I couldn't have gone even if I was invited as it was hours away from where I live and I have no transport. I know that him and his friends were camping so I don't doubt that.

We generally use telegram to message each other, we don't really use whatsapp that's just always the way it's been for us.

We both take our phones to the shower as well, even though I have nothing to hide.

I am super upset about the ex housemate situation. She was very horrible to us, is a terrible person in general and he's sworn to me nothing has ever happened between them in the flat when I wasn't around. They don't talk to each other either. I can ask her to confirm all this but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him I have a right mind to tell her to block him on everything. But part of me is afraid she would love to hear that.
---


He says he's depressed, he knows I've looked through his phone and laptop and I can tell he's clearly embarrassed as he should be. He knows my trust is broken and my respect for him is gone. He says he loves me and he does want to fix things between us. Whether he can or not is another story. We've had many a talk about this and I told him if he is serious about me and having a future together he has to get better and delete all that crap etc. Usually when we're together it's fine, but we're long distance.
He really doesn't want me to leave him. I don't think he's a bad person. I told him that I would support him however I can but if I catch him again we're 100% over. If he ruins this last chance I've given him then that's on him. I don't deserve to feel like this.

He is an addict. Addicts lie. Don't trust him. If you're not tied by marriage, a mortgage or kids I strongly advise you to run for the hills.

Turn up one day when he's not expecting you, pretend to be out of town, then arrive at his door. See how pleased he is to see you.

 

[ChubClubThug]

Thank you everyone for this recent discussion. I seen a few tattle discussions where women give men a pass for their porn addictions and obsessions. Like it's supposed to be the normal part of being a man. No. It's NOT!

I have to ask the question to straight men who watch porn, why do you want to watch another man jizz? I used to watch a lot when I was younger until I realised how gross it is, what goes on behind the industry, how seedy and damaging it is

 

[Sabbie]

He's an addict, and unless he faces the fact and gets treatment he will do this over and over to you and any other woman he can find who will put up with it.

 

[Unknown345]

Just to add - I do believe this was an addiction honestly. To do something for that long, that often and spent that much money on, it had to be addiction. I’m not trying to justify his actions at all, the opposite even! But there is a lot of debt from this and I can’t imagine someone would put themselves in that position willingly.

he used every card he owned. One credit card that I didn’t know about & then once maxed, would use two other cards & his debit card until he would make a monthly payment and be able to use the original credit card again. I’m surprised he used his debit because the chance of being caught there was high, but that’s how addiction works isn’t it, you desperately use anything you can

 

[babylemonade]

Do you believe him that it was a "guys only camping trip"? Is there proof of this? Why did he ban his girlfriend on his birthday? That's odd.

Telegram is a cesspit app. It's the no.1 app for buying drugs and cheating... there's sex groups, hook up threads, it tells you who is near by. It should be banned.

He took his phone to shower? Massive red flag. I would also be very concerned about the ex housemate. He says he didn't like her and she was horrible to you? Were they sleeping together?

It sounds like he's got a major porn and sex addiction. Unless he's willing to change (which it sounds like he isn't) sorry to tell you, you've got no chance of sorting this out. His responses are like those of a naughty teenager.

It was a lads only camping trip, I couldn't have gone even if I was invited as it was hours away from where I live and I have no transport. I know that him and his friends were camping so I don't doubt that.

We generally use telegram to message each other, we don't really use whatsapp that's just always the way it's been for us.

We both take our phones to the shower as well, even though I have nothing to hide.

I am super upset about the ex housemate situation. She was very horrible to us, is a terrible person in general and he's sworn to me nothing has ever happened between them in the flat when I wasn't around. They don't talk to each other either. I can ask her to confirm all this but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him I have a right mind to tell her to block him on everything. But part of me is afraid she would love to hear that.
---

I can only speak from my experiences but I found that my ex would also look up people he said he didn’t like, people they were “just friends”, as well as his exes. I once even found a folder with pictures he’d saved to his computer and it was clear it was more than snooping/having a nosey. I think for him porn didn’t always play into his fantasies and he wanted something more real.

When you confront him about it, other than saying those things how else does he behave? Does he say anything about you looking at his phone or talk about whether you trust him or not?

He says he's depressed, he knows I've looked through his phone and laptop and I can tell he's clearly embarrassed as he should be. He knows my trust is broken and my respect for him is gone. He says he loves me and he does want to fix things between us. Whether he can or not is another story. We've had many a talk about this and I told him if he is serious about me and having a future together he has to get better and delete all that crap etc. Usually when we're together it's fine, but we're long distance.
He really doesn't want me to leave him. I don't think he's a bad person. I told him that I would support him however I can but if I catch him again we're 100% over. If he ruins this last chance I've given him then that's on him. I don't deserve to feel like this.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Backstory: I have been with my partner for 8 years, we have one 5 year old child together and have had a very happy relationship. Like all couples, we have had minor issues but they have been about things like lack of communication etc, nothing too testing. We have had friends describe us as a “perfect little family” and my partner is described by everyone as all things good.



Two weeks ago, I decided to have a little snoop through his phone. I really did trust him, I just had this intuition that night to have a look while he was asleep. I noticed a new app was downloaded. It was yahoo mail, so obviously I clicked it.



There were tons of receipts for a webcam website, so I confronted him and he admitted to it instantly. He was very apologetic and said that it started one night because he got a bit bored of porn when I was out one time and saw an ad for the website so clicked it. He signed up and tried it out of curiosity which led to him having a huge addiction. He also admitted to having subscribed to a couple of people on onlyfans.



The worst part is, this addiction started in January 2018, and he has been doing it consistently since. That’s 6 years of our 8 year relationship. Our sex life has always been good, and he agrees too, he said it was never something that I wasn’t giving him. He just became addicted and would go through the guilt and regret every time but couldn’t stop.



Looking at the bank statements, I would guess he’s probably spent anywhere from 5-10k on this over the 6 years. A lot of that has been put onto a credit card that I thought he paid off and got rid off years ago.



He had times in those years where he felt so awful he debated ending his life, he said he always had guilt and it was eating him alive but couldn’t tell me as he knew it would hurt me.



How do I even deal with this? I’m so hurt, confused and blindsided, but I also know that addiction becomes not a choice and it takes a lot of professional help to overcome. Do I take into consideration it was an addiction?



He has said that now the secret is out, as much as it’s caused a lot of pain, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that he no longer is struggling with this alone. He wants to make this work, and has offered counseling for addiction and as a couple, he said he’s happy to go through all the steps needed to build trust, he’s happy to spend a long time not having a normal relationship while we rebuild. He even has suggested for my own peace of mind to have full control of all finances, child lock his phone etc (he said he doesn’t need that to stop, as his addiction has now become a painful reality and he thinks the websites are poison for how they affect the human brain), but he is trying to suggest things that would make me feel better.



In those 6 years, he continuously made me feel good about myself, he put in effort to our relationship etc. he said he never chose that over me, it would be when I was out, not in the mood or asleep and before he went to work.



Just to add, he never had favorites. He would watch different people all the time and only ever watch one person a couple of times before never watching them again. He never had his own camera on, so they never saw him and he said he would literally turn it all off straight after and aside from feel the guilt and regret, he would never sit and think about it further. He said it was the same thing to him, as when you watch porn (although he knows it’s different and is empathetic about that).



He has now been very open and honest with me, even when some of the details are painful to hear. He has also been very honest with friends and family about it now too, and has shown a lot of remorse for what he has done not only to me but to everyone else.

Any thoughts on how I should deal with this? I feel so betrayed but addiction is a really difficult one to deal with.

From what you’ve said, whilst it may have been going on for a long time, it sounds as though it is worth seeing if he can work through this and that he fully acknowledges the issue. You will feel betrayed and it may take a while to build the trust up again but it can be done, as long as he is willing to accept that may mean he lives in the dog house for a while. I wouldn’t let him know straight away you’re willing to work things out but tell him he needs to sort his shit out for the sake of your child and you’re not sure you can get past it, he needs to sweat a bit.

The main thing to remember is, you can give him a second chance and try to move forward but you’re not confined to that choice and can change your mind at any time so just take things a day at a time and see how YOU feel about things.

 

[Unknown345]

From what you’ve said, whilst it may have been going on for a long time, it sounds as though it is worth seeing if he can work through this and that he fully acknowledges the issue. You will feel betrayed and it may take a while to build the trust up again but it can be done, as long as he is willing to accept that may mean he lives in the dog house for a while. I wouldn’t let him know straight away you’re willing to work things out but tell him he needs to sort his shit out for the sake of your child and you’re not sure you can get past it, he needs to sweat a bit.

The main thing to remember is, you can give him a second chance and try to move forward but you’re not confined to that choice and can change your mind at any time so just take things a day at a time and see how YOU feel about things.

Thank you, this has been really helpful! I found out just over 2 weeks ago and during that time I have kicked him out twice. All of his stuff is at his dads house but he has been staying here as he keeps coming back to see our son, and then we end up talking and he doesn’t leave. He has cried multiple times and keeps saying how he thinks my mind is going towards breaking up and he is devastated by it.

He has been making a huge effort in this time. He took emergency leave from work and has spent everyday catering to my needs and emotions. He redecorated our bedroom in the first week, as it is something I had been saying I wanted to do for a while and I think he just wanted to make me happy in any way he could.

One thing I regret is that I have been continuously sleeping with him during this time, even though I have been saying I don’t think it’s fixable. It’s almost like I’m doing it as a trauma response. It’s all I can think about, but I think it must be because this whole situation is based on that and my very confused brain is confusing my thoughts and emotions.

I really do think this would be a turning point and I do believe he genuinely won’t do anything like this again. It’s destroyed him, but over 6 years, the amount of people he has masturbated too and interacted with is insane!

 

[jimmyj123]

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years and also have a baby together.. he has a hobby that I’m not interested in and I was looking through his insta and came across some girls he follows that also have the same hobby and go to the same place. Looking through their pics and I found a few that he’s liked which were all pretty much half naked.. I confronted him a few days later he apologised and unfollowed and unliked and that was kind of the end of that. Obviously I was very upset but trying to forget about it. However while going through his phone one night(he let me) I noticed his Snapchat was in a random folder on his phone not with the rest of social media apps. I guessed it was just because he never used it anymore which I didn’t think he did.. however last night I managed to grab his phone for a sec and turn it off ghost mode so I can see when he goes on, not bothered where he is just when he’s on it! Turns out he’s on his ALL the time. The second he leaves the room I check maps and there he is straight on it. His Snapchat score isn’t going any higher so I was a bit confused but then I googled and it turns out the score doesn’t go up from just messages, it has to be pics or videos. Soooo do we think he’s messaging someone on there???? Whenever I have looked in the past I’ve seen no messages from anyone but it’s a bit too weird to be on it that much especially the second one of us leaves the room

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Hi, essentially yes, he is trying to get into my good books of course! But how do you decide the line between someone who is actually remorseful and doing everything in their power to make it up to you and someone who is just trying to pull a fast one? I mean that as a genuine question, because either way would look similar I guess?

In terms of working on himself, during this time he didn’t reach out for help. He did delete his account a few times but as reactivation is easy, he always ended up back on there. He said he didn’t seek help because of how embarrassed he was about it. Now though, he has reached out to therapists and booked in sessions. He has also reached out to family and friends too. He’s looked into software that can monitor his phone and send me alerts to any adult content being viewed (I think he is just trying to offer as much as possible to fix this situation).

I don’t disagree with your points on sleeping with him, but please do keep in mind that this is very traumatic for me and a lot of my actions will be trauma based. I currently feel very hypersexualised and it is 100% from the emotions in my mind. The brain works in strange ways unfortunately so I hope I’m not being judged for this!

It is understandable how you feel.

But is there no way you could get a break, even if it is just for the weekend?
How can you sort out your thoughts and feelings if you have no space?
---

This is exactly how difficult it is. You really do pour a huge amount of love into a person over 8 years. I thought he was different, loyal. I am still finding it hard to look at him and see the things he has done because it’s the same person I loved looking back at me and it doesn’t even feel real. Especially as it’s been 6 years, in those years we welcomed a child, have had so many amazing memories and had a very happy relationship…. I now know this was happening but how can I process what happened when I was so happy for those years?

Why did you look at his phone?
What would have happened if you would not have looked at his phone?

 

[ChubClubThug]

I was right he was messaging an ‘old school friend’

How did you find out after? Was it snapchat? How far have the messages gone?