He’a like a middle brow fortune cookie.
Matt Haig
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Matt Haig Threads
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
Sod it.
7. Why on Earth would I want to imagine myself as a baby? For what possible reason? If I ever want to imagine myself as something else, it is as a Maine Coon (
). Beautiful, no need to move very much, fed and loved on demand and with the ability (and expectation on me) to piss off when I felt like it.
7. Why on Earth would I want to imagine myself as a baby? For what possible reason? If I ever want to imagine myself as something else, it is as a Maine Coon (
). Beautiful, no need to move very much, fed and loved on demand and with the ability (and expectation on me) to piss off when I felt like it.
he's deleted the tweet about bad reviews
anyway, I've been thinking about something
Extract from The Comfort Break Book
by kachoochoo, saviour of the world
Toothbrush
Imagine you are a toothbrush. Waiting patiently in your beaker on the sink. They say no toothbrush is an island. And yet, here you are. You anxiously await your twice daily moment to shine. And shine you do. Literally, you abrade teeth until they sparkle. Sparkle like Mr Sparkle, that detergent box Homer Simpson found at the tip. Don't put yourself in the tip. Keep smiling, like the smiles you keep sparkling
the rest of this page is intentionally blank
that'll be £600K please and thank you
anyway, I've been thinking about something
Extract from The Comfort Break Book
by kachoochoo, saviour of the world
Toothbrush
Imagine you are a toothbrush. Waiting patiently in your beaker on the sink. They say no toothbrush is an island. And yet, here you are. You anxiously await your twice daily moment to shine. And shine you do. Literally, you abrade teeth until they sparkle. Sparkle like Mr Sparkle, that detergent box Homer Simpson found at the tip. Don't put yourself in the tip. Keep smiling, like the smiles you keep sparkling
the rest of this page is intentionally blank
that'll be £600K please and thank you
We could collectively bang out a Matt Plague guide to embracing the magic of shitting your pants in public in >4 hours and it would be a better/funnier read.
OT: Mr. Sparkle is the BEST Simpsons subplot of all time and somewhat relevant to Matt ('That didn't explain anything!')
fair play to him for this
Yup. If only he could be like this all the time.
Quietly unassuming. Doing fantastic work. Getting really angry on occasion and fighting the good fight without all that bumpf.
A bit like Micheal Sheen.
Swoon.
a reader (not criticising them at all) has tweeted they enjoy flicking around to find random pages and this has apparently resonated particularly well today. it's called room and barely mentions a room?!
this book has an rrp of £16.99
Room (kachoochoo's version)
imagine you are in a room. it has four walls. maybe more, if you have alcoves and stuff, I dunno. don't get lost in the alcoves of your mind. open a window. a window into your soul. imagine your current account flooding in money. just imagine. read some winnie the pooh. whatever
this book has an rrp of £16.99
Room (kachoochoo's version)
imagine you are in a room. it has four walls. maybe more, if you have alcoves and stuff, I dunno. don't get lost in the alcoves of your mind. open a window. a window into your soul. imagine your current account flooding in money. just imagine. read some winnie the pooh. whatever
Room (tunnel’s version)
Imagine a room. Imagine that room holds all your worries, stresses and comparisons like the balloon you had as a child when rooms were bigger and balloons never burst. Now let go of that balloon. See it float away. Imagine that room. Be that balloon.
Edit- this could be so much fun and make my relatively (at the moment) tedious life much better. Seen one for growth on IG-
.
Imagine a room. Imagine that room holds all your worries, stresses and comparisons like the balloon you had as a child when rooms were bigger and balloons never burst. Now let go of that balloon. See it float away. Imagine that room. Be that balloon.
Edit- this could be so much fun and make my relatively (at the moment) tedious life much better. Seen one for growth on IG-
.we need to pitch this to Unbound.Room (tunnel’s version)
Imagine a room. Imagine that room holds all your worries, stresses and comparisons like the balloon you had as a child when rooms were bigger and balloons never burst. Now let go of that balloon. See it float away. Imagine that room. Be that balloon.
Edit- this could be so much fun and make my relatively (at the moment) tedious life much better. Seen one for growth on IG-
"The Little Tattle Book of Haig Piss-Takery"
"Highly intelligent and beautiful Tattlers present a wry take on Matt Haig's arrogant and condescending comfort break book.
"Within these pages, we will ruthlessly mock and simultaneously improve Haig's snoozesome prose and basic takes."
Target £600k. We trouser the cash Monroe/Gladwell style and we're set!
Never been described as either of those things so absolutely here for the 600k.
In other news, his in latest IG, he is explaining that the comfort book playlist contains songs that may not be lyrically or obviously comforting, but they comfort him.
If we were ever to forget, it is all about MaTt.
He has a page called warm, but it is blimmin hot here so….
Hot (tunnel’s version)
Don’t worry about being cool, or warm or that lovely in betweeny temperature when you don’t need a coat or an umbrella. The days will come when you are so hot you will feel that your brain has melted out of your head and you won’t be able to think about anything but an ice-cold can of Coke Zero from the Nisa down the street. Take those hot moments. Feel them. Use them when you are cool.
Hot (tunnel’s version)
Don’t worry about being cool, or warm or that lovely in betweeny temperature when you don’t need a coat or an umbrella. The days will come when you are so hot you will feel that your brain has melted out of your head and you won’t be able to think about anything but an ice-cold can of Coke Zero from the Nisa down the street. Take those hot moments. Feel them. Use them when you are cool.
Room, by Schmetterling
Sit in your room all day coz really there isn't anything else to do right now
Have you got a window? Have you got a few sideboards? You're doing fine.
Think about your 600k book advance and relax your sphincter,
Just fart out those anxieties.
Look around for another mundane object that'll fill a whole page
Kettle
Allow yourself to be smug. You deserve this. The world deserves you. God, they really bleeping deserve you.
Sit in your room all day coz really there isn't anything else to do right now
Have you got a window? Have you got a few sideboards? You're doing fine.
Think about your 600k book advance and relax your sphincter,
Just fart out those anxieties.
Look around for another mundane object that'll fill a whole page
Kettle
Allow yourself to be smug. You deserve this. The world deserves you. God, they really bleeping deserve you.
Sorry Tunnel dear heart but 'hot tunnel' sounds like a new, horrible euphemism for fanny
Last edited:
he's had a grunk then. 
seriously, I think the majority of us on this thread are living proof that cynicism is absolutely NOT the luxury of the well
honestly, duck all the way off. cynicism gets me through the day sometimes. I've been to the edge and ghost stories are my comfort reading!
we are all different you absolute clown! count your money and let us carry on taking the piss in peace, thx luv
seriously, I think the majority of us on this thread are living proof that cynicism is absolutely NOT the luxury of the well
honestly, duck all the way off. cynicism gets me through the day sometimes. I've been to the edge and ghost stories are my comfort reading!
we are all different you absolute clown! count your money and let us carry on taking the piss in peace, thx luv
How dare he imply that mental illness means you are not a critical thinker. The light the calm the soft. You mean the stuff he writes that is meaningless drivel. It’s only eating blancmange in a world of food.
He really does peddle some astonishing misconceptions. Cynicism is a luxury? People are so complicated and capable of numerous emotions.
He just makes this dangerous tit up doesn't he?
And I seriously hope he isn't comparing himself to AA Milne or Brian Wilson as an example of the tortured genius artist
He just makes this dangerous tit up doesn't he?
And I seriously hope he isn't comparing himself to AA Milne or Brian Wilson as an example of the tortured genius artist
bleeping self centered tosser. Extremely dark humour and cynicism has gotten me (and many of you I'm surehe's had a grunk then.
View attachment 654745
seriously, I think the majority of us on this thread are living proof that cynicism is absolutely NOT the luxury of the well
honestly, duck all the way off. cynicism gets me through the day sometimes. I've been to the edge and ghost stories are my comfort reading!
we are all different you absolute clown! count your money and let us carry on taking the piss in peace, thx luv
) through many moments when arguably I've been well over the edge. Reading a 15 page thread on a small gossip forum and then subtweeting about it when you have many, many published books and thousands of genuine fans is pathetic. Why don't you give them some attention?How long until he does a Fack and turns up to defend himself?
How is cynicism the “luxury of the well”? When you’ve been to the edge, it’s a struggle to “head to the light, the calm, the soft”. That may be the preferable option, but it can be so hard if you’re mentally ill. People who are overly cynical have likely learned to be that way through negative experiences. It’s a coping mechanism created in reaction to trauma. Claiming it’s a luxury of mentally healthy people is bizarre. He’s showing his ignorance again.
i would love that if he turned up! *insert king kev gif*
i doubt it though. or, if he did, he'd pretend to be his wife like back in january on twitter. so, we'd better watch out for any new members called stuff like I_<3_matty _2021
Does he really think the whole of Italy is like the Amalfi Coast?
He lives in Brighton, in one of the most affluent areas of the U.K. and he has the bleeping nerve to say that we as a country would want to move to Italy as though it is a homogeneous area of outstanding national beauty
No Matt, there are really deprived areas of Italy, just as there are beautiful and outstanding areas in England (you live in one of them ffs).
Stop being a privileged twit. Own your privilege and duck off.
(I haven’t expressed what I want to say very well. In a word I think it he is being really offensive to the Italians, to people who live in areas that may not be as pretty and affluent as he would like (Grimsby and Stevenage for example) and just anyone actually- he is pissing me off.
I think cycincism is more prevalent with people who do not have the luxury of doing well for themselves so once again Matt Haig is a bloody Idiot.
I am an England supporter but I wish this country would stop being so damned embarrassing about this.
Matt should go and walk around the outskirts of a city like Napoli and then come back and post this.
I am an England supporter but I wish this country would stop being so damned embarrassing about this.