Lying about cancer?!

[D2them]

I think you’ve been given plenty of support and information including medical perspective supporting the fact that this story is fabricated.

If you’re still inquiring about tiny details such as sedation when it’s obvious he’s not being truthful, then I’m sorry to say no amount of advice on here will help. You’re just torturing yourself. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that this is fabricated, but you’ve enough evidence at this point.

You just need to face this situation for what is and just move on instead of dissecting every detail. You haven’t been together for this long and you haven’t seen him since October. There’s not much to hang on to at this stage.

Well said

 

[LaBlonde]

How do you even fake a pregnancy surely at the end of it you know people will expect to see a physical baby . I don't understand people that tell these big lies. It's not like you're only denying having the last biscuit

people who lie like this never think about the end result really - they only think of the attention they’re going to get in the moment and get off on people showing them concern/being fussed etc. they rarely think it through enough to consider “what do i do at the end of all this?”

i don’t think you will ever understand this man’s actions or thought processes. it’s admirable that you’re continuing to try. but you will never get the answers that you want. like @teabob says, he gets to both ghost you and simultaneously keep your interest at the same time by playing at being his own brother. leave this situation before it gets even more toxic.

 

[HelloStereo]

None of what you’re being told rings true, I don’t know why anyone would lie about something like this but I think that’s what’s happening here. I would definitely stop contact. I really hope you’re ok, I can’t imagine how this must have made you feel xx

Thank you. I feel so anxious if it is true and that's what kept me holding on. We were getting on really well and I was excited to see where things would lead. Then all of a sudden he gets really sick. I didn't want to walk away when he was sick, his brother keeps saying things like "it's really hard but he only smiles when he talks about you" and it made me feel so bad I was considering walking away.

 

[candyland_]

If they’re not trying to get money etc out of you then that makes it even weirder. What kind of sicko pretends to have cancer for the fun of it

I think some men will go to extraordinary lengths to stop seeing you while keeping a hold on you at the same time. Nothing surprises me anymore.

 

[Lahne]

You know I wondered whether to tell her, especially now I know for sure who he is and that he's married. But on her profile it says "married since" and it has 2005. And I'm not sure whether to get involved- if he can weave such a lie and she has been married to him for 17 years surely she'd believe him over me and I'd be prolonging my experience. I don't know yet.

It was very easy for him, he has quite a good job (very different to what I thought he did but it makes sense now). He is sometimes invited to speak at conferences and stuff so I guess that's how he gets away with it.
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I will look at this thank you. I was reading a lot of catfishing accounts and one was about a famous person who catfished or was catfished I can't remember.

Just want to be clear that just because I’d tell the wife I wouldn’t judge you for not telling her. Obviously that’s a very personal decision for you. Just awful that he does that to her and other women though.

 

[HelloStereo]

Just glad you’re ok HS

Thank you so much, I will be in the end

 

[puddleduck]

Can’t you locate the hospital if you know the rough area?
Also if you are the one whose name he lights up to and he is likely terminal then no human or hospital would keep you apart.
Am guessing you are young and he is, well just do what everyone says and cut all contact for your own sake.

 

[HelloStereo]

Sometimes they never do though, they just ghost an move onto someone else who will buy the stories

I know all hospitals are different but that's the first I've heard of someone being kept in, I've had family an friends (one even being similar as to having to have a hernia removed down below because of cancer) an none of them have ever been kept in hospital despite having to go in an out constantly for chemo both for treating an surviving an also treating to prolong life a bit for terminal cancer, they get put on bed rest but they don't stay in

I did find this strange too. Apparently he is in lots of pain due to tumours near his spine and needs to be sedated almost all the time and have morphine. He's been in hospital / bedridden for months now and it seems like a lot. I know other people who have received treatment and they're usually at home most of the time and go in as an outpatient. Even during the last stages their pain was managed and they just slept a lot.

I don't understand the no cards / gifts allowed policy either. Especially when his brother then said the staff brought in presents for the patients...

I'm reading your responses and really feel for you. You're giving him too much credit and seem to be clinging to the idea he's being straight with you. You need to step back and take the emotion out of this situation. He's at it, save yourself more angst and move on. This won't end well.

He presented himself as this almost perfect person when we first met and I thought things were going quite well as we were making future plans for trips and things. And then all of a sudden he drops this bombshell. You're right I am giving him too much credit...it just feels like a lot sometimes.

 

[HelloStereo]

@HelloStereo It’s not exactly the same thing, but I have been in a situation where I believed myself to be seeing a man who later turned out to be married and having an affair with me. I had piles upon piles of evidence from over 12 months of his cheating, which I could have sent to his wife and that couldn’t have possibly been disputed (photos, text messages etc.) and to this day, nearly a year after I found out about his wife, I still think about contacting her and telling her everything.

In the end, I decided not to do it. Not to protect him because he’s a c*nt who deserves everything he gets, but because I didn’t want to bring more drama from the fallout of telling her down on myself. Although it affected me badly for a long time, I decided that completely cutting him off, drawing a line under it and moving on with my life was the right thing to do for me.

I suppose what I’m going round the houses to say is, if you do decide to tell her, it’s not going to be as simple as dropping the bomb and that’s that. It’s someone’s life you’ll be blowing apart and there will be fallout. It’s up to you to weigh up if you want to continue dealing with this for the foreseeable, or if you do want to just draw a line and chalk it up to a lesson learned. He will get caught out eventually, liars always do, but personally I think you’ve had enough of your time and energy wasted now.

It's so hard isn't it. I think she deserves to know but like you said, it will disrupt her life and I will be more sucked in rather than trying to untangle myself from the situation. Also if he's capable of this amount of manipulation I think he'd be able to convince her that I'm lying. Maybe im an old colleague who was infatuated with him and is trying to break up his marriage.
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I agree with this. It may be tempting to tell his wife, but I would think long and hard before you do that @HelloStereo. You don't know what this guy is capable of. I'm sure if you tell his wife, then he will feed her a pack of lies in order to discount what you've said. He'll also no doubt be angry that you've told her, and since he has your contact details and, I think, has been to your house before, I'd just be careful.

My gut reaction would probably be to tell his wife too, but after thinking about it for a while, I think I'd just leave it.

Yeah, he seems like quite a manipulative and calculated individual.

It's not like it was a guy who I had a few nights with and then that's it. He spun a whole lie about his identity and strung me along with this cancer story for months. If he's able to do that without any sense of remorse he could be capable of other things.

 

[Gymhoned]

I thought about this and messaging to try and force his hand and call his bluff etc.

I was in two minds as to whether to do that or just not sink to playing games and just leaving it.

Oh just leave them to it. Move on.

 

[HelloStereo]

Just want to be clear that just because I’d tell the wife I wouldn’t judge you for not telling her. Obviously that’s a very personal decision for you. Just awful that he does that to her and other women though.

That's so why I am debating it really. I know it should be "women supporting other women" but realistically who would believe some random person on Facebook over a husband of 17 years. Is it something he does on the regular or a mistake with me.
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So I had screenshot this ages ago to discuss with a friend. But this is the sort of detail about "T's" condition I'd get daily.

It's so descriptive and receiving this every day it was hard not to be sucked in. I don't know anything about his marriage but if he's able to spin things like this I'm sure he can get her to believe him over me.

 

[HelloStereo]

I think some men will go to extraordinary lengths to stop seeing you while keeping a hold on you at the same time. Nothing surprises me anymore.

I had one guy ghost me by changing his number . I bumped into him on a night out and when I said "you ghosted me" he went "you know where I live you could have come over". It's like they only want you in their life when it's convenient for them.

 

[HelloStereo]

I've read this whole thread and find it chillingly appalling that there are people who choose to string people along like this guy did. Wherher it's to boost their own self esteem or worse, to con others out of their emotional energy or money. Not forgetting the psychological impact of the lies and deception. Glad the OP blocked and moved on. I admit I found the story so fascinatingly implausible I thought it was made up... hope that's not the case but from the replies it's plain there's a lot of this nasty dating/manipulating deception around.

I didn't make it up but he did. I did change some details in terms of names etc and timelines which sometimes makes it difficult to keep up but the gist of what I said is true. I know this is an anonymous platform but i wanted to change / withhold some details because it is so sinister.

There are some sick people out there clearly. I have to say even though I have blocked him it's so difficult to come to terms with the aftermath that this has actually happened.

 

[katyazamo]

I'd guess the wife already has an inkling about the cheating and has chosen to turn a blind eye. We don't know the situation but she could be financially reliant on him and unable to walk out, especially when there are two kids involved. What an awful person.

People like this always get caught, they think they are very smart and cover their tracks, but it's impossible to keep spinning the web of lies. They get addicted to the buzz of it all and think it's harmless but there is so much collateral damage. You, his wife, their kids, their families, friends, etc.

I don't know if I would tell her either because as others have said, it's not as easy as just dropping the bomb and washing your hands of it. She would be extremely angry and upset but you would take the blame. She has probably been gaslit and manipulated for years.

 

[justonemorepage]

It does seem like he was love bombing you, maybe? And as it was early days he could get away with not giving you much information about himself. I've got a feeling he may have a wife but plays away when he's working (I know someone who does this, as he works abroad a lot) but it still doesn't make sense as to why he'd lie about cancer. Surely he'd just ghost you?

 

[TheGlossy]

A lot of men tend to just ghost when they’re no longer interested. It’s a cowardly move but it’s better than being strung along. I don’t think he’s stringing her along with this insane story just to keep her around.

If he was just string her along he’d just keep rescheduling dates or tell her he’s busy.

I personally still think he’s after money and hasn’t asked yet but eventually will.

 

[Keikochan]

This story is def sus. You don't just go in & get a scan at the hospital. Logically we all know if there was a lump, we would go GP and then if needed get referred to hospital and get a scheduled appointment. Results of which aren't that quick unfortunately.

The addition of his brother.....it's him. His is bored in his life and wants to play with emotions to make himself feel better.

Although hospitals don't really like patients getting gifts (flowers/cards) bc it clutters & can be irritants to other patients etc so that part could be explained.

Does his brother have a last name on whatsapp? That could give you a clue if you needed. Could you call him and talk on the phone? Listen to backround noise etc.

I think I can imagine how you are feeling & how you are hoping this all isn't a sick joke. But as strangers on the internet looking in with no ties to the story, we are seeing red flags and we don't want you to get more hurt.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thank you, it's all such a mindf*ck! I was really sad at first and then I got more and more details and started to doubt the story more and more, especially the no card / gift thing and him not wanting to see me in hospital. He said he had to sneak in a charger when I asked about sending a card. It just seemed so utterly farfetched as you say, surely people would want to stay in touch with loved ones when they're feeling up to it. There seemed to be so many surgeries and urgent scans it got a bit ridiculous!

Definitely I hope it is nothing to do with me. Having a strapline such as "my ex faked cancer to get away from me" in my dating profile probably won't go down the best

The charger bit was the only bit that seemed feasible to me . Only because when one of my children was in hospital (about 10 years ago mind) we were not allowed to bring a phone charger in due to health and safety. The ward had a supply of them that had been tested that you could use if they had the right one. I'll admit I did sneak my own in though!

It's absolutely definitely nothing to do with you!!!!! He's just a twerp. One day you'll look back and laugh. It just sucks at the moment. The friend I mentioned earlier did meet someone not long after her weirdo encounter.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I wish I knew more medical terms so I could be direct and know what to ask . He told me he had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and then chemo. He had to have another operation last week apparently because the tumour changed shape and was pressing on the spinal cord. Then he said they would take a break for Christmas and look at the effectiveness of surgery before deciding what to do next...

I don't know if this is plausible.

Honestly it all just reads as a con and he is playing you.

You’re wasting your time.End it and move on. If there’s no trust what’s the point?

The “brother” is most likely him.
He’s most likely married/ has a girlfriend m.
What’s the type of cancer?
Ask him if they took any biopsies.
What’s his TNM score?
How long has he “been in hospital”?
-His treatment sounds too intensive to me.
-All cancer patients tend to have WiFi and phones these days cause staying in hospital is boring as f**k.

Took pictures from my handbook for you:

 

[Lahne]

I think after finding that out I’d tell his wife - usually I would say to stay out of it but the fact that he’s such a massive fantasist who wove such an intricate web of lies makes me feel really sorry for her being married to him - it’s worse than ‘normal’ cheating.