Lying about cancer?!

[HelloStereo]

You poor thing, what a horrible experience. Thankfully not everyone is like that out there but definitely take a step back until you feel happier in yourself having just lost my MiL to cancer I’ll happily find him and rip his arms off so I have something to hit him with.

It is such a horrible disease, I lost an ex's mum to it in my early 20s and saw how much she and her family suffered. It is sick that people would lie about it, it makes an utter mockery of the people who are going through it as it is utterly awful.

I hope you and your partner are okay
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How did you find out he was married and used his kids’ names? What a complete fantasist. There are some strange people who walk among us.

Because from his tiktok I found someone who looked like his wife from the whatsapp pic (it was blurry on whatsapp but she was quite a tall brunette and i am ashamed to say i checked a lot of his followers on facebook if they had names attached to their profiles). Curiosity and a slow day made me look them up on Facebook. They have two kids with the names he used for the guy I was dating and his brother.

I knew the "brother" was married already. But the details about him matched exactly with the person I was dating (minus the wife, kids etc). But the location / job etc was the same. Also the "brother" doesn't have a brother called "T" (the one I was dating). He does have a brother but with a different name.
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My friends were saying I should write a book about my dating experiences and I just might. There have been a few utterly mind boggling experiences but none like this . May as well make some cash from the brain ache.

 

[Poptart]

I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but it was such a horrible experience.

He lied about both names I found out. He is married and used his son's name as the guy i thought he was initially and his other son's name as the guy I was dating's "brother".

What is scary is that he was saying to see the guy I was dating the hospital would need visitor details such as a full name and address and that i could provide this to the hospital or he would happily pass it on. I didnt and would never have given him the details but it adds an extra later of sinister to it that he spun this massive lie and would have then known where I lived...

You said previously he'd stayed at your house so he already knows where you live?

 

[HelloStereo]

You said previously he's already stayed at your house so he already knows where you live?

He doesn't know my exact address. I took him to my house once when we were drunk but he doesn't know where i live well so he wouldn't have known where he was.

 

[TheGlossy]

Watch “The Girlfriend who didn’t exist” on Netflix. It’s about this poor college football player who got catfished in a similar way and it ruined his whole career. The story was quite big in the day (2009-2013 circa). I still remember how huge it was.

 

[HelloStereo]

Watch “The Girlfriend who didn’t exist” on Netflix. It’s about this poor college football player who got catfished in a similar way and it ruined his whole career. The story was quite big in the day (2009-2013 circa). I still remember how huge it was.

I think I remember that? Didn't they get prison time?

I'm not sure if catfishing in the UK is a crime - I looked it up because some friends said I should report him.

 

[Lahne]

I think after finding that out I’d tell his wife - usually I would say to stay out of it but the fact that he’s such a massive fantasist who wove such an intricate web of lies makes me feel really sorry for her being married to him - it’s worse than ‘normal’ cheating.

 

[TheGlossy]

I think I remember that? Didn't they get prison time?

I'm not sure if catfishing in the UK is a crime - I looked it up because some friends said I should report him.

No, they did not. It was in the US - catfishing is not a crime.

 

[HelloStereo]

I think after finding that out I’d tell his wife - usually I would say to stay out of it but the fact that he’s such a massive fantasist who wove such an intricate web of lies makes me feel really sorry for her being married to him - it’s worse than ‘normal’ cheating.

You know I wondered whether to tell her, especially now I know for sure who he is and that he's married. But on her profile it says "married since" and it has 2005. And I'm not sure whether to get involved- if he can weave such a lie and she has been married to him for 17 years surely she'd believe him over me and I'd be prolonging my experience. I don't know yet.

It was very easy for him, he has quite a good job (very different to what I thought he did but it makes sense now). He is sometimes invited to speak at conferences and stuff so I guess that's how he gets away with it.
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No, they did not. It was in the US - catfishing is not a crime.

I will look at this thank you. I was reading a lot of catfishing accounts and one was about a famous person who catfished or was catfished I can't remember.

 

[Lahne]

You know I wondered whether to tell her, especially now I know for sure who he is and that he's married. But on her profile it says "married since" and it has 2005. And I'm not sure whether to get involved- if he can weave such a lie and she has been married to him for 17 years surely she'd believe him over me and I'd be prolonging my experience. I don't know yet.

It was very easy for him, he has quite a good job (very different to what I thought he did but it makes sense now). He is sometimes invited to speak at conferences and stuff so I guess that's how he gets away with it.
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I will look at this thank you. I was reading a lot of catfishing accounts and one was about a famous person who catfished or was catfished I can't remember.

Just want to be clear that just because I’d tell the wife I wouldn’t judge you for not telling her. Obviously that’s a very personal decision for you. Just awful that he does that to her and other women though.

 

[HelloStereo]

Just want to be clear that just because I’d tell the wife I wouldn’t judge you for not telling her. Obviously that’s a very personal decision for you. Just awful that he does that to her and other women though.

That's so why I am debating it really. I know it should be "women supporting other women" but realistically who would believe some random person on Facebook over a husband of 17 years. Is it something he does on the regular or a mistake with me.
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So I had screenshot this ages ago to discuss with a friend. But this is the sort of detail about "T's" condition I'd get daily.

It's so descriptive and receiving this every day it was hard not to be sucked in. I don't know anything about his marriage but if he's able to spin things like this I'm sure he can get her to believe him over me.

 

[TheGlossy]

I’d say be careful. You don’t know how dangerous he is. If he was able to use his own son’s name to make up such a horrendous story, God knows what else he can do.

 

[Tabitha]

Hi lovely, I’ve been in a similar situation. Reading the first post was like gong back to that time.
I don’t want to give too much away but I was the wife. We were together for over a decade (no kids thankfully). He cheated and from there on built a second life… in another country with another woman (flying between the 2 every week). For years.

It wasn’t sex or money. He was desperate to keep both relationships/lives going. When things were going bad in one, he’d find comfort in the other. Both facades meant absolutely everything to him and he was scared to lose either so went to huge lengths to keep them up. It’s utterly crazy I know.

I would have given anything for someone to have told me. I could have made a clear decision on my future based on fact and not on guessing. I would not have wasted the last of my 20s on him. On finding secret phones, accounts, crying everyday because I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what (and this lasted 3 entire years). He was a master liar and came up with an excuse instantly. Very intelligent and charming. Even my parents and his therapist believed him.
Of course, you have better judgement of the situation than anyone else.

And yes, I did sell my story but only got a few hundred out of it haha

 

[Scorpihoe]

That's so why I am debating it really. I know it should be "women supporting other women" but realistically who would believe some random person on Facebook over a husband of 17 years. Is it something he does on the regular or a mistake with me.
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So I had screenshot this ages ago to discuss with a friend. But this is the sort of detail about "T's" condition I'd get daily.

It's so descriptive and receiving this every day it was hard not to be sucked in. I don't know anything about his marriage but if he's able to spin things like this I'm sure he can get her to believe him over me.

There are just so many plot holes in these texts alone.

the patient doesn’t need to be sedated for 24-48!!! Hours after surgery so they’re “not in pain”. That’s ridiculous, that’s literally what is for.

Also “they did tests during the surgery and got promising results from ‘pricking his feet with needles’” how does he know if he was under general anaesthesia? You mean to tell me he was awake for the surgery but they sedated him after it?

99% of the time you know how successful a surgery is, during the surgery. If you cut a tumour out, if you decompress the spine etc. They can even MRI his back if needed. No way they’d sedate him for 48 hours so he’s not in pain and then check later if it’s gone okay.

 

[HelloStereo]

There are just so many plot holes in these texts alone.

the patient doesn’t need to be sedated for 24-48!!! Hours after surgery so they’re “not in pain”. That’s ridiculous, that’s literally what is for.

Also “they did tests during the surgery and got promising results from ‘pricking his feet with needles’” how does he know if he was under general anaesthesia? You mean to tell me he was awake for the surgery but they sedated him after it?

99% of the time you know how successful a surgery is, during the surgery. If you cut a tumour out, if you decompress the spine etc. They can even MRI his back if needed. No way they’d sedate him for 48 hours so he’s not in pain and then check later if it’s gone okay.

Yes you are completely right, there are lots of plot holes looking back now. At the time I just thought he went to the effort of always giving that much detail that it must be true, as who would go to the effort otherwise.
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Hi lovely, I’ve been in a similar situation. Reading the first post was like gong back to that time.
I don’t want to give too much away but I was the wife. We were together for over a decade (no kids thankfully). He cheated and from there on built a second life… in another country with another woman (flying between the 2 every week). For years.

It wasn’t sex or money. He was desperate to keep both relationships/lives going. When things were going bad in one, he’d find comfort in the other. Both facades meant absolutely everything to him and he was scared to lose either so went to huge lengths to keep them up. It’s utterly crazy I know.

I would have given anything for someone to have told me. I could have made a clear decision on my future based on fact and not on guessing. I would not have wasted the last of my 20s on him. On finding secret phones, accounts, crying everyday because I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what (and this lasted 3 entire years). He was a master liar and came up with an excuse instantly. Very intelligent and charming. Even my parents and his therapist believed him.
Of course, you have better judgement of the situation than anyone else.

And yes, I did sell my story but only got a few hundred out of it haha

Thank you for giving me the wife perspective.

I am still weighing up what to do. I've never been in this situation before and I would never intentionally seek out a married man. I have no idea whether she would believe me as he has built up such a web of lies he would do the same to her.

 

[Shutterbug99]

I’d say be careful. You don’t know how dangerous he is. If he was able to use his own son’s name to make up such a horrendous story, God knows what else he can do.

I agree with this. It may be tempting to tell his wife, but I would think long and hard before you do that @HelloStereo. You don't know what this guy is capable of. I'm sure if you tell his wife, then he will feed her a pack of lies in order to discount what you've said. He'll also no doubt be angry that you've told her, and since he has your contact details and, I think, has been to your house before, I'd just be careful.

My gut reaction would probably be to tell his wife too, but after thinking about it for a while, I think I'd just leave it.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@HelloStereo It’s not exactly the same thing, but I have been in a situation where I believed myself to be seeing a man who later turned out to be married and having an affair with me. I had piles upon piles of evidence from over 12 months of his cheating, which I could have sent to his wife and that couldn’t have possibly been disputed (photos, text messages etc.) and to this day, nearly a year after I found out about his wife, I still think about contacting her and telling her everything.

In the end, I decided not to do it. Not to protect him because he’s a c*nt who deserves everything he gets, but because I didn’t want to bring more drama from the fallout of telling her down on myself. Although it affected me badly for a long time, I decided that completely cutting him off, drawing a line under it and moving on with my life was the right thing to do for me.

I suppose what I’m going round the houses to say is, if you do decide to tell her, it’s not going to be as simple as dropping the bomb and that’s that. It’s someone’s life you’ll be blowing apart and there will be fallout. It’s up to you to weigh up if you want to continue dealing with this for the foreseeable, or if you do want to just draw a line and chalk it up to a lesson learned. He will get caught out eventually, liars always do, but personally I think you’ve had enough of your time and energy wasted now.

 

[HelloStereo]

@HelloStereo It’s not exactly the same thing, but I have been in a situation where I believed myself to be seeing a man who later turned out to be married and having an affair with me. I had piles upon piles of evidence from over 12 months of his cheating, which I could have sent to his wife and that couldn’t have possibly been disputed (photos, text messages etc.) and to this day, nearly a year after I found out about his wife, I still think about contacting her and telling her everything.

In the end, I decided not to do it. Not to protect him because he’s a c*nt who deserves everything he gets, but because I didn’t want to bring more drama from the fallout of telling her down on myself. Although it affected me badly for a long time, I decided that completely cutting him off, drawing a line under it and moving on with my life was the right thing to do for me.

I suppose what I’m going round the houses to say is, if you do decide to tell her, it’s not going to be as simple as dropping the bomb and that’s that. It’s someone’s life you’ll be blowing apart and there will be fallout. It’s up to you to weigh up if you want to continue dealing with this for the foreseeable, or if you do want to just draw a line and chalk it up to a lesson learned. He will get caught out eventually, liars always do, but personally I think you’ve had enough of your time and energy wasted now.

It's so hard isn't it. I think she deserves to know but like you said, it will disrupt her life and I will be more sucked in rather than trying to untangle myself from the situation. Also if he's capable of this amount of manipulation I think he'd be able to convince her that I'm lying. Maybe im an old colleague who was infatuated with him and is trying to break up his marriage.
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I agree with this. It may be tempting to tell his wife, but I would think long and hard before you do that @HelloStereo. You don't know what this guy is capable of. I'm sure if you tell his wife, then he will feed her a pack of lies in order to discount what you've said. He'll also no doubt be angry that you've told her, and since he has your contact details and, I think, has been to your house before, I'd just be careful.

My gut reaction would probably be to tell his wife too, but after thinking about it for a while, I think I'd just leave it.

Yeah, he seems like quite a manipulative and calculated individual.

It's not like it was a guy who I had a few nights with and then that's it. He spun a whole lie about his identity and strung me along with this cancer story for months. If he's able to do that without any sense of remorse he could be capable of other things.

 

[IGiveUp22]

It’s actually crazy isn’t it when you take a step back and think of all the things they’ve said/done and it was all one big lie. I’m actually writing a book about mine so deffo do it

As I mentioned mine faked a kidney removal () but by this point I didn’t believe it obv so wasn’t even paying attention to half the stuff he was sending me.
Anyway, this year another girl got in contact (long story) I was going back through my WhatsApp’s & found a voice note of the time he was allegedly in hospital after he’d had the surgery. There were hospital noises (machine beeps, low chatters, he even broke off the voice note to ask about medication as if a nurse had come over) but after a quick YouTube search, we found a video of “hospital background noise” that was identical so he’d basically put that on, pretended he was speaking to a nurse during it & all the time he was probably just at home
I can laugh now but honestly it’s frightening the lengths they go to. It must be an illness as it’s not normal

 

[HelloStereo]

It’s actually crazy isn’t it when you take a step back and think of all the things they’ve said/done and it was all one big lie. I’m actually writing a book about mine so deffo do it

As I mentioned mine faked a kidney removal () but by this point I didn’t believe it obv so wasn’t even paying attention to half the stuff he was sending me.
Anyway, this year another girl got in contact (long story) I was going back through my WhatsApp’s & found a voice note of the time he was allegedly in hospital after he’d had the surgery. There were hospital noises (machine beeps, low chatters, he even broke off the voice note to ask about medication as if a nurse had come over) but after a quick YouTube search, we found a video of “hospital background noise” that was identical so he’d basically put that on, pretended he was speaking to a nurse during it & all the time he was probably just at home
I can laugh now but honestly it’s frightening the lengths they go to. It must be an illness as it’s not normal

Oh my, to even go to that extreme of downloading background noises!

I do wonder what people get out of it. Like to lie for so long is just such a waste of time for everyone. They obviously feel bored or unfulfilled in parts of their lives. It's just hard to see what the end goal was meant to be .

Like you said, it would almost be funny if it wasn't so frightening.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I agree with this. It may be tempting to tell his wife, but I would think long and hard before you do that @HelloStereo. You don't know what this guy is capable of. I'm sure if you tell his wife, then he will feed her a pack of lies in order to discount what you've said. He'll also no doubt be angry that you've told her, and since he has your contact details and, I think, has been to your house before, I'd just be careful.

My gut reaction would probably be to tell his wife too, but after thinking about it for a while, I think I'd just leave it.

Agreed. I’m sure if he wanted to he could find out where you lived. Especially if he wanted revenge after telling his wife. He could have it on his phone. He could have saved the location. Anything. I think cos he was drunk he could a remember. He could come to ur area and find out. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s done something like this and I could bet he lied to his wife to get with her or something. Sounds like a sicko pls don’t put yourself in danger @HelloStereo he’s not worth it