FUR BABIES IN THE WOOD.
ACT 8.
Scene 1. Clearing in the Wood. Night.
As the curtain rises the eagle-eyed of us will notice that the sign over the porch says Dunbotherin’. The stage now has another 7 cat-scratching posts and in excess of 34 dog beds. All have been kindly gifted by our anonymous benefactor. The whole Company are on stage. It is bed time and our Fur Babies are settling down for the night. Many of the dogs are sharing beds. Little pickle Stannis has parked his watermelon next to a hay bale and forks a few more prawns into his mouth just to keep him going whilst he sleeps. Casper, Harvey, Bruiser, Chilli, Dexter, Benny and Monty are all comfortably settled on the new 5 storey scratching post which they have claimed for Maine Coon purposes only. Their huge, beautiful tails waft from side to side causing a nice breeze for Sonic our hedgehog who lies below in a little cardboard box full of straw. He’s decided that hibernation can wait a little longer this year because he really does want to see what Father Christmas might bring him. His heart is set on his jar of delicious creepy crawlies. Charlie (Panda Bear) has found a bright red sock and he is busily burying it within the padded folds of his bed. He plans to hang it up as a stocking tomorrow and he imagines himself in the morning dashing around being chased with it hanging from his mouth before he hangs it up. The thought makes him sigh with happiness. Bonnie, Dinah and Griffin are curled around each other having a whispered conversation about Quantum Physics. They are incredibly clever and intelligent. Our hamsters have come to life and are busy whirling round and round on their Hygge Hamster Wheel (now out of stock). It’s such fun travelling nowhere as a trio. Billy has his head under his wing but one eye remains firmly open as he sits in the lovely Christmas tree with Marmalade. Moon runs around head-butt kissing everyone goodnight. Murphy our stunning Merle Great Dane can’t find a new bed big enough to accommodate his length of bone comfortably. He’s tried pushing two dog beds together but it didn’t work. Unperturbed, he simply flops down on the floor next to Cooper and gives him a big sloppy kiss. Cooper scratches the top of Murphy’s tail in thanks and then settles back down next to Coco. Coco has been wondering who will read them their bedtime Fairy Tale Story tonight. She loves listening to stories especially when-she’s tired. Bentley, Nacho Cheese and Frank lie panting on a hay bale. Frank the Pug has been a little snuffly today and Lula has been giving him healing to help him breathe more easily. Cool Surfer Dude Ben and Luna snuggle together having been practising their dancing all day. Elvis and Nobby have been holding up their score cards after each dance. There is a sudden noise in the undergrowth OSR and all the Fur Babies become alert and watch expectantly. 2 adorable Shorthair Cats - Tiger and Lily enter. Each carry a little bowl to place at the front of stage with the other 104. They have been travelling through the night to get here. Tiger needs to find someone to give him a big cuddle quickly because he hasn’t had one for at least an hour whilst he’s been travelling. Gracie immediately jumps down off her scratching post to give him the wealth of her guidance and comfort. Lily begins to groom herself immediately in order that everyone can admire her beauty. Everyone does. There is an even louder thrashing sound coming from the undergrowth OSL. All the Fur Babies turn to the left as Norman the Ginger Cat enters dragging a water bowser behind him. He gives all the Fur Babies a cheery wave as he hauls the bowser to the front of the stage. Pulling his own water bowl out from under his arm he places it on the floor. He scampers across stage to collect Tiger and Lily’s bowls and scampers back to place them before beginning to fill the 107 bowls with water from the bowser. When all 107 bowls are full he drags the water bowser OSR and scampers back for his bedtime story. Everyone takes to him immediately and Norman is delighted. He likes to contribute. Milkshake, Ulla, Muffin the Cat and Smokey make room for him to join them on their post and he snuggles in contentedly. Tommo has joined Lulu, Silvi and Poppy in their bed. They beg him to sing them a little song before they go to sleep. They love his basso-profundo voice so very much. It sends shivers down their spines. Tommo explains that he will do so in the morning when he has had the chance to warm his voice up on his walk. Grumpy Snoopy and Muffin have claimed exactly the same bed as they have at home. Snoopy is very particular about beds and only the very best is good enough. Apart from that it’s the necessity of familiarity. Familiarity is very important to a Dachshund - ask any Muffin, Silvi, Poppy and Lulu! Gem and Teddy Bear are cosied together on the ground beneath the tree. Gem has been telling Teddy Bear all about her wonderful Granddad who loved sailing. Teddy Bear has been enthralled and is considering giving a Ted Talk about sailing once he loses his shyness and finds out what sailing is. Little Lady Sky listened to these conversations - anything about sailing really makes her prick her ears up. Teddy and Tilly lie nearby and Teddy has started to consider the possibility of giving a Ted Talk too. Tilly has a hard think about giving a Tilly Talk. The Stage lights flicker a little as the Magical Book of Bedtime Stories floats onto stage and hovers in the air. All the Fur Babies watch in eager anticipation to see who their magical book lands next to. The closest Fur Baby to where the book lands gets to read out the story. The gilded book hovers over the head of each Fur Baby and finally lands next to......................Gracie! Everyone is utterly delighted and claps ecstatically! The glittering book then rises again and hovers. After a little while it comes down and lands next to................Roo the Border Collie! Everyone claps heartily again. Tonight two Fur Babies will read the story. What fun! Apollo pushes a hay bale to CS and as the stage lights dim and a single spotlight comes on Roo and Gracie jump on to the hay bale and open the Magical Fairy Tale Book. The Fur Babies all settle down. Tonight’s story is a cautionary tale...
GRACIE.
Mariah Fitzwilliam’s dog - Duchess D’Offhandiah
Suffered with piles and delusions of grandeur
When it came to comparisons none could be found
She was simply the ultimate, posh Afghan Hound
She knew she was glamorous slender and fair
With her toffee nose primly stuck up in the air
She was pampered and prissy - a whiner - a moaner
Attributes she’d gladly picked up from her owner
Her nails were well manicured three times a week
And her hair was shampooed ‘til it shone with a squeak
Her Pedigree took two full hours to read
Not an ancestor needing to once be de-flead
Her Mother was Haughty Hermione-Coutts
And her Father - Cruft‘s Champion - Lord Snooty Boots
She lived on a Dockland Estate in the South
And she tended to bark with a plum in her mouth
Her kennel was large and it had a nice view
With a bathroom complete with discreet doggy-loo
Her windows were glazed; she had full central heating
And a four-poster bed trimmed with pink satin sheeting
In her Armoire were frocks made from cashmere and silk
She never drank water but lapped asses milk
Or a bowl of Earl Grey as she lounged on her spot
On her nice cool verandah - she loathed feeling hot
Her mistress Mariah was pasty and plain
And quite frankly my darlings - a bit of a pain
She was greasy, had spots and her long hair hung lanky
Her Dad drove a ‘Roller’ - now wasn’t that swanky?
He was gormlessly boring and terribly thin
And a lot of poor people bought used cars from him
Her Mother was loud - but her Father the loudest
Of the four of them, Duchess was smartest and proudest
One night from her bed, she heard noises and saw
A removal van drawing up to the front door
Men took all the furniture out of the house
Then the family tip-toed as one - like a mouse
And sneaked into the ‘Roller’ belonging to Dad
Duchess cried, ‘Wait for me! Are you stark staring mad?’
I must tell you she’d started to worry a bit
And besides - she quite fancied a quick moonlight flit
A policeman next day, found her loose in the garden
”Excuse me!’’ she barked ’’I do so beg your pardon -
They’ve been most forgetful - they’ve left me you know -
I was due at my hairdresser’s two hours ago!’’
The policeman - who didn’t like dogs very much
Got hold of her collar and said ‘’Come on Butch -
It’s the Dog’s Home for you!” - “My name’s Duchess!’’ - she growled
Then he bundled her into his van and she howled
ROO.
The dog’s home was vile, all the food came in tins
Her steel cage had bars and for all of her sins
She was left there alone with no four-poster bed
She was given a mat for her beautiful head
Her sleek hair grew matted and smelly and fungal
She was now forced to mix with a Peke and a Mongrel
An old German Shepherd, a dog-eared Jack Russell
She ignored them aloofly not moving a muscle
’’You’re all very common and not to my taste
And the food at this hotel’s like wallpaper paste
I simply won’t stay - very soon I will go
I am used to much better - I’ll have you all know!’’
She was totally wrong - other dogs came and went
She was told that the time they allowed had been spent
No-one would claim her - her body weight halved
And she lay on her mat looking bony and starved
She simply had no way of earning her keep
So they whispered of sending her somewhere called ‘Sleep’
Her back now flea ridden was hard to the wall
There was no-one to help her - nobody to call
Then a butcher from Stepney called Freddy Cor’Blimey
Who had two massive hands and a T shirt with ‘Try Me’
Emblazoned across his wide chest for a joke
Had a van that broke down - it was billowing smoke
He’d delivered some meat when he’d asked for some water
And couldn’t help seeing her there in her quarter
”’Allo there me beauty” - he cried with a nod
She looked up and said, ‘Am I dead? - Are you God?’
’’’I can’t take yer ‘ome gal... me Missus is bossy
You can live in me van an’ I’ll christen yer Flossie’’
So Flossie D’Offhandiah-Snooty-Boots-Coutts
Went to live with the butcher with crimplene suits
She lived out the rest of her life in his van
Eating scrag-end-of-neck from the big handed man
She had no space or comfort, her back legs grew lame
Her loo was the street - just imagine the shame!
Her beauty had faded, she wanted to die
There were days when she’d lie in his van and just cry
She felt that her new life just wasn’t worth tuppence
Many cynics would say she had got her come-uppance
BLACKOUT
Copyright 2020
That was in no way ‘banter’ it was her cruelly mocking him (again) He sounded really embarrassed. She said herself that they don’t buy and cook meat so why was she comparing his food to Josie and Charlie’s. I’d much rather eat what he prepared rather than what she usually makes. She’s such a horrible person 
? Or is she throwing all the food away?
she is so stupid and clueless, clearly she hasn’t done any research and is just relying on everybody else.
NO! They emailed you and you saw an opportunity to get something for free!
