TOP OF THE FLOPS -
The top ten countdown of Lydia icks (do not read on an empty stomach) (do read with a large gin and tonic) (skip the tonic).
10. Coming in at last place, but still an irritating ick nonetheless, Lydia standing on her tippy-toes, pretending she's a solid supermodel 5ft 9". Yo so shawt, when you went to meet Santa he said, 'go back to work!'
9. Next up, Lydia's relentless spouting of 'sprootling' or 'sproots' in that annoying asshole of a Scottish accent. She's not even Scottish (no offence to Scots, real Scots). No wonder they do not grow. What language are you actually speaking Lydia? Bullshit?
8. A throwback, the unforgettable, not once, but twice, impromptu taxi dandruff snack attack. I mean we all sprang from apes, but Lydia clearly didn't spring far enough.
7. In at number 7, I may be wrong but I doubt it, Lydia's monotonous basic
witch mirror selfies in her lifeless linen dresses. All whilst simultaneously jutting out that man jaw and eye-
bleeping herself. What. A. Talent. Her wank bank must be full of mental images of herself. JK. Ice queen don't masturbate. Elsewhere, hell is wallpapered with all her deleted selfies.
6. Just missing the top five, Lydia's incessant smug use of
. Three wise monkeys once advised 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil'. Must be pre-warning for Glóby. Must be.
5. Respectfully landing in at mid-chart, Chicken Cawwee pacifying to Lydia's every need and whim. 'You're the best boss babe, like in forever, I've made you a plaque of how bougie
witch like you are'. Did Cawwee ever make you a top ten list though? No! Fire her. Now.
4. Edging closer to that #1 spot, Lydia's big dick delusions of grandeur -
Northamptonshire Buckinghamshire,
Fire Exit Courtyard,
Downstairs Loo Powder Room,
Car The Aston,
My Life My Reign of the Village, and so on. I'll help a girl out. Being a dick won't make Ali's any bigger.
3. In at third place, this one hits differently, Lydia's constant self-diagnosis of PMT, PMDD, Celiac Disease, Headaches, Brain Damage, Flopitis, oh no that last one was just Tattle. Straight up, I'm not going to kick a sick girl when she's
down horizontal in bed. I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
2. Strong contender, Lydia's non-stop lisping baby talking - 'Kenny-Ken', 'Lumi-Bear', 'Slothy Sloth', 'Moo-Moo Cow'. Brains aren't everything I suppose. In Lydia's case they're nothing.
1. Securing the top spot, Lydia with her smug face and 'he he he' after she's made her point. After she thinks she's made a point. The next tropical cyclone should be named after her. It would be less fatal than this face.
I'm sure I've missed many an ick. Zillions, most likely. You'll note Lumi only got one mention, but that attention-seeking twit of a cat could have her whole top ten. If anyone is on the verge of a break up, you know when you get that ick and even the way they breathe or eat triggers you, maybe read this list and try again, you have it much better than Cinderali.
Hit like if, like me, you're on the sly slow clapping for the rouge to sting her. I need to get my engagement up. Listen I'm a nice person. So if I'm a dick to you Lydia, you need to ask yourself why.