Liz Jones - You Magazine Columnist

[Geranium]

Here are the contents of my LJ Bingo card..

Shitty engagement ring
Diptique Candles
WAXING
Victoria Beckham dress
Having no friends
Giving money to family
Men never paying for anything
MINI PUPPY
Dead horse
Stealing sperm
Dunhill Lighter
Mini breaks
Disgusting sex details
Being frigid
David’s ponytail
New mystery man
SATC / Carrie Bradshaw
Nic being bitchy
DEAFNESS
Ancient Myla thong
Vegetarianism
Liam Neeson
My genuine sympathy for her

Most of these get a regular mention. I’ve never had a full house due to the last one never happening...

You missed:
Oily baths
Dries Van Noten something or other
Spiky flowers
Paying for everything for her friends/family despite their inevitable ingratitude...

 

[House of Tea]

So what is he doing now since his Bio stops at 1988.

Hiding from mad Lizzie.

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

♪♫ ♪♫ Thong as old as tiiiiime! ♪♫ ♪♫

(Sorry. I'll get me coat)

 

[shazbev]

Bit rich for her to be dishing out the judgement when her barnet screams 'casting creme'

Cheeky fucker.... My hair turned snowy white after taking chemo aged 50, best thing I ever did was abandon the circle of dyeing, roots etc. I'm always getting complements about my Barnet, whereas I suspect LJ looks even more hatchet faced with her awful coloured mop. I saw the article earlier and thought what a boring load of wafflebollox. .

 

[Kam2243]

She doesn’t work for the mail any longer but it’s sister paper the mail on Sunday, which is a separate entity as such. She got fired from the Daily Mail after a warning not to enter the big brother house and was fired the day after she left the house.

 

[shushablay]

well unsurprisingly there are no comments as of yet..had a quick skim, wtaf is she going on about, I hope she does read here, because we've already found out that Russell does have a partner. Listen up you old slapper, he is in a relationship and doesn't want anything to do with you, and leave David's ex alone, if I was her I'd be seeing a lawyer to force you to shut up..you are such a stupid, vacuous cow and nobody likes you or fancies you, you really are an old witch.

OK so that's my blood pressure up..and breathe...yup that worked, no space in my head for that crap. Off to get some lunch and have a nice afternoon

 

[annabelle_bronstein]

I’m pretty sure this week’s column was produced using some sort of Liz Jones random word generator

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

This week: Cambridge Man gets treated to Liz's Victoria Beckham bodycon dress, Louboutin shoe boots, and thong as old as time

 

[gigi_93]

It’s so funny that half of us know about her from reading the Daily Mail at home growing up. I’m the same. I used to read her column and wonder to myself if this is what adults are actually like, and if they are then I never want to be one!

 

[Be More Pacific]

Doesn't help that she still refers to them as "puppies" when one is (as we now know) twelve years old.

Fucking idiot.

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

Particularly about her mother's decline into dementia and her sister who died. I note that the horrific article in the Fail no longer has the photo of Liz sitting in her coat next to the bed of her poor mother, sick, unaware and unable to give her consent to such an intrusion. It's been scrubbed, not even on the wayback machine. Good; poor Edna, that article was jaw-droppingly awful.

 

[AmberSpyglass]

I used to read her column regularly but always took it with a pinch of salt , eventually the moaning and her move to Exmoor which resulted in more moaning sent me over the edge and I stopped reading ( the house was beautiful).

The other thing is she has appalling fashion sense but clearly thinks she’s amazingly stylish, what’s that saying Dolly? It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.

 

[House of Tea]

No mention of Liz Jones yet on Jo Good's BBC Radio London show today; she said yesterday that Liz might be on the show today. It seemed a bit strange that it was so vague, it might've depended on whether Liz managed to separate her eyelashes in time.

Perhaps her Myla thong has got caught up in her unmentionables and she has had to go to A&E. She can spin that out over a month’s worth of columns.

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

She's really trying to flog that crap book, which btw contains a number of offensive parts and should not have been published...can't wait til someone notices the line about being scared of being mugged by a black man..wtaf??? I haven't read the book, but I read that from someone who has read it and was appalled.

As for today's drivel, firstly she took it to extremes,many people have serious edema in their legs which is not necessarily caused by obesity, and some people who are overweight or obese but have normal(ish) sized legs, arms breasts, but she looked ridiculous with the over bloated body and the skinny face and she really has no insight into anything, yet again her main concern was that she wouldn't be able to buy designer clothes at that size. People often gain weight for a number of reasons not related to greed or lack of willpower and to suggest that everyone who is overweight is a shameful, amorphous blob, who nobody likes or cares about is just stupid

Plenty of overweight / obese people have friends, relationships, and others who care about them. And while being overweight isn't healthy, neither is the other extreme. Her book is about a woman who goes from being morbidly obese, i.e., BMI of 40+ and in medical danger, to 8 and a half stone (Liz's idea of the perfect weight) which for most women, unless they're shorter than average, will be at the lower end of a healthy weight or even underweight - bad for fertility and bone density. Not to mention that it's going to be difficult for a morbidly obese person to reach and maintain that weight. That's before we get to the racism and other offensive remarks (about Down's syndrome and other things) in her "novel"

 

[dee_mc]

So who were the contenders - Jim Kerr and Robert Plant, but anybody else?

In the latest drivel she said he had grown his hair in lockdown, but Kerr hasn’t. Plant has always had long hair. Why am I trying to decipher her clues, it’s all bollox.

Tiny/piggy blue eyes - that was one of the big Kerr hints I think.
He's the one who took legal action against the old bat isn't he?

 

[annabelle_bronstein]

She has "Cheryl" who has allegedly read her column for 21 years, donated a large sum to an animal charity in exchange for the privilege of attending LFW with Liz and travelled all the way down from Liverpool to go to the show and have cocktails with Liz after

It all sounds very Victoria Wood sketch

 

[shushablay]

I think the only genuine deafness she has, is the tone deaf attitude she shows all the time, no one is interested in the greed is good mantra now, so many people are reeling from the effects of the pandemic and her pointless, silly drivel doesn't provide an escape or entertainment, it's actually quite insulting

 

[Mediastar]

In Which Russell Runs For the Hills (cut cuz it's long)

Spoiler

Liz gets in a spiel about how much she hates "wellness" talk cuz that'll play well with the Mail's audience. She's much more interested in half a million downloads of the podcast, even though that means half a million listeners know that Liz is incontinent - "not doubly incontinent" she assures us. No, that's just the dogs. Nic gushes again about Liz being "prizewinning" and "columnist of the year." Liz talks about them being invited to a Christmas party which segues into her criticising Nic for not sticking to a diet / fitness plan. Nic has read Holly Willoughby's new book, Liz bashes Holly whom she once called "a disgrace to women" for being photographed without makeup. Liz prides herself on being "subtly bitchy." But it's all OK now because when Liz appeared on This Morning, Philip Schofield criticised her yet Holly stuck up for her. She claims Holly said Liz was "just doing her job" by being cruel in print. Sure, Mac, sure.

Liz complains again about how Nic didn't get her a birthday present and Liz gets "nothing, nothing, nothing." Liz claims that after she tweeted this week about how people should stop having kids if they claim to care about the environment, she received a death threat and comments about her being a cat lady or not deserving to be a mother. She professes to be "an intellectual" with "nine O-levels." This all leads into her archive column which is - surprise! - the infamous sperm banditry column. She says the column was doing a favour to men as she wants them to know how evil and devious women are and the lengths they'll go to so they can get pregnant. All women want is to stay at home "ironing tea towels" and "making Nigella Lawson recipes". They're too lazy to work a proper job, as Liz knows because of all the women that ruined her business by taking maternity leave. I do believe we've filled an entire bingo card in the space of about three minutes.

This week's column: Liz got in touch with Russell, the "film star" she spoke about last week. Except he's now retired from being a "film star." She again repeats that he was in Cry Freedom, which she rented and rewatched his 10-second appearance over and over. Nic has taken to emailing his documentary appearance to fans of Liz who couldn't access iPlayer. Liz stalked him online, got his work contact details, and emailed him. He sent a reply, and Liz humblebragged to him about her stellar career, awards, and interviewing actual movie stars. She had Nic Photoshop an old photo to send him, pretending that it was recent. And flirted heavily with him. Liz bought a "milky" cashmere tank top, booked a "dry-cleaning" of her teeth, and has been using Sisley face masks. He didn't reply for two weeks, and then came back with a polite response saying he would send some pictures of old parties in her flat. At the time of writing he hadn't come back to her and she fears he has Googled her.

We get the anti-climactic conclusion to the brain scan saga: Liz just has "an imbalance in her left ear" and has been prescribed "water tablets." Does she mean diuretics? As if she doesn't take enough piss already. She didn't want to "waste" her body wax so she booked a room at Soho House and contacted an ex for a booty call in the room. Nic reads a gushing fan letter supposedly from someone whose young daughter wants to be just like Liz and avidly reads the column every week. And another one from the founder of the shelter where Nic got her rescue dog, who reportedly said Liz is as witty as Jennifer Saunders. I doubt it, somehow.

Bloody hellfire... hard to know where to start with this bilge... but let's pick one or two gems:
a) For someone having an attitude about Wellness, she spends an awful lot of time in spas.
b) Called the stalking last week. Poor sod. If I were him I'd be having a word with m'learned friends and take LJ and MoS for a tidy sum.
c) The Hollaby Wallaby story is plainly bollocks.
d) This hated of mothers is born (pun intended) of her horrifically empty life: she has one paid friend, one who made a packet out of her in a shady property deal, one who evidently humours her (despite being A MOTHER) and that's it. She has no partner, she lives in rented digs with her paid companion, none of her family speak to her.
e) She drinks too much and it can be easily monitored by reading articles from 20, 15, 10 and even five years ago.
f) She is a discharged bankrupt who has absolutely no right to criticise any service that receives any public money as she actively avoided paying her taxes (and was somewhat economical with the actualité regarding her assets with HMRC while Bebb was frantically selling off big ticket items on Ebay).
g) I strongly suspect the download number is a total since she started. Assuming that was a year ago, that's 10,000 a week... or roughly the population of Snodland. Need I say more?

She is a bitter, hollow, empty vessel. She used to have a modicum of talent but wasted it utterly. She will leave no legacy, no footprint in history or even in her own trade. Awards mean nothing: the wheel spins and everyone wins now and again. I suspect she'll warrant little more than a couple of paragraphs when she finally shuffles off.

 

[Mediastar]

It was Scrace, they're all they've got. Sad really.
Check out Jonesey's Twatter feed instead... it's an absolute hoot! She keeps threatening to sue people who call her a liar and is then confronted with her own words, proving she's a liar.
I simply roared!

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Every time I think about the sacred myla thong my brain autocorrects it to being the pearl one that featured in satc which is just downright horrible. THANKS BRAIN

Haha, I read "Thanks Brian" and thought: who is Brian and what has he got to do with Myla thongs.

But yes, my brain also makes this connection.