Liz opens the ep howling like a dying dog to "Take On Me" by A-Ha. Nic makes fun of the fact that Liz doesn't know any of the words except the chorus. She praises Morten Harket whose "cheekbones literally sparkled" in his heyday when the song was released. Liz thinks there is something wrong with women who don't idolise pop stars. She talks about him being interviewed on The One Show by a female presenter and "you could see (the presenter's) ovaries were exploding." Why does she insist on using this gross and faintly creepy phrase? Liz has tickets for an upcoming A-Ha gig in Scarborough, and claims she spotted Harket in a restaurant "at Cannes or something." At least we don't get a phony story about her having interviewed him.
Liz thinks her celebrity crushes, which include Marc Bolan but do not include David Bowie, have been far more satisfying than any of her real life relationships because real men "scratch their bottoms" (Liz) and are "lazy and unhelpful" (Nic.) Cue some standard man-bashing from the dreaful duo. Liz makes a sneering reference to David allegedly saying "look to yourself and your actions." She and Nic gossip about the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial. Liz has of course seen Kate Moss's home in person and stayed at the house from Goldeneye with Nirpal, a couple of months later Johnny and Kate stayed there and Liz swoons over the idea that they might have "sat on some of her skin cells." I wish I were making this up.
Nic says she hates domestic violence but thinks "some men need a punch." Would Liz's gay BFF Nicholas Bebb be allowed to say on the podcast that some women need a punch? If not, why is Nic allowed to say it? Liz thinks Johnny and Kate both regret ever breaking up. She and Nic both agree that David regrets breaking up with Liz ... steady on, it's not that bad. The terrible twosome whinge about Jan Moir calling Tom Cruise creepy in the Mail. Nic went to the new Top Gun movie and is in love with Tom all over again, Scientologist or no Scientologist! Liz mocks Kelly McGillis and says "maybe (Kelly) was too fat to fit on the IMAX screen." Instead, the leading lady in this movie is Jennifer Connelly who Liz is JUST LIKE. Nic kisses Liz's wrinkly arse and talks about how Liz is a combination of Connelly, Meghan Markle, etc. etc. etc.
Nic talks about her crush on Tom and again references "ovaries." Liz says "your endometriosis exploded too" - OK, that's an even more disgusting image, BRB throwing up. Nic says "no other man could deliver what I want, I want an action hero." Do you though? Presumably you wouldn't want to be constantly living in the kind of circumstances that require an action hero to save the day. Liz bitches and whines about there being several articles where 20-somethings watched the original Top Gun and complained about it being sexist etc. Liz thinks women should be happy with being catcalled or having their arses slapped without permission. She says "women need fantasy, don't pretend you just want your man to go to Sainsbury's and not open doors to you." The real world is too disappointing, because it has men like David who complain that you didn't buy white pepper. This is at least the third week in a row she has complained about that.
The column! Liz reflects on "being on top" with the Rock Star and repeats that she didn't like it. She witters about preparing for her "mini-break" at the festival, calls the Rock Star her boyfriend, and says it will be the first time she has seen a man naked since before the first lockdown in 2020. She says the Rock Star made fun of her being "post-menopausal." Why is this fictional man obsessed with the menopause and HRT? Liz ponders that if she marries the Rock Star she won't need to take out a mortgage or work. She uses the phrase "a thorn in his rather ample side" which she's proud of and considers "subtle." She also thinks it would be better than her wedding to Nirpal where she had to pay for everything, again referring to "skin cells" being left in hotel rooms.
Liz rambles at length about everything that went wrong with her first wedding and honeymoon. She complains that the only thing to eat in Spain is "dried ham." She cackles for like half an hour over an antidote about how she wanted to start her own glossy magazine and Nirpal came up with the idea of calling it Clumpy. Liz concludes she can't possibly stop writing, because she's been a writer all her life and the FRS would find her boring. She can't marry a man for a house because "I'm Lizzie Jones, not Bennet." Nevertheless she is still hoping for a "yes, yes, yes!" at the festival, equating herself to Meg Ryan. And Meghan Markle, again. Meg Ryan was in the first Top Gun so it's SERENDIPITY
Liz's archive column is from the late 90s and is about her being sent on an assignment to travel to Poland with All Saints. She describes them as "a sea of monochrome in a country that was until recently so grey that its teenagers still wear primary colours." WTF?! Liz makes a jibe at Natalie Appleton who she accuses of being ignorant of the fall of the Soviet Union. She brags about her superiority in not wanting to eat at a hotel buffet because "I don't get my own food." She says that in the face of poverty, war, and the lingering shadow of Auschwitz, All Saints' hit song 'Never Ever' took on a new meaning and then adds "See, I used to be quite highbrow." Nothing is highbrow about you, Liz. Not even the brow transplants.
Liz acts over-familiar with Shaznay Lewis, complains about All Saints being untidy, and laughs at the fact they wore wigs for TV appearances. She yells "LIAM! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIAM! YOUR WIFE'S HAIR WASN'T REAL!" Nic points out it is highly unlikely Liam Gallagher is listening to the podcast, Liz thinks he might be. He was married to Nicole for quite a long time so I doubt he was totally unaware of the fact she sometimes wears a wig. While in Poland, All Saints were annoyed at a negative tabloid article and Shaznay "snarled" at Liz, demanding to know who wrote the article in question cuz "I'm gonna get 'er" and "half the article was about the Spice Girls innit." Nothing offensive there from Liz, no, no, no. She crows "this is why I'm award-winning" - what? Why are you "award-winning?" She says All Saints "will always be my friends, although I've never heard from them since."
Fan mail: There are many condolences to Nic over the death of her dog Charlie. Supposedly. Nic reads them out, sniffling and saying she believes Charlie is in doggy heaven with her other dog Zac. Well, that's nice, I guess. Liz for once doesn't ruin it except for when Nic mentions a memory of her partner running after the dog and Liz cuts in "can Martin run, then?"