New video is up…
She’s lost over 70 pounds in the past year or two so.
Wants to get arms, stomach, breast, thighs, and butt’s skin removed first in that order.
Says having loose skin is better than being fat (kind of problematic to say?!?).
Doesn’t know when she’ll get the surgery done because she’s alone and it’s easier to have someone to help you post-surgery.
She finished setting up journaling desk with a salt lamp and box of crystals and incense. Lots of random tit on desk. Living room has remained untouched.
She finished setting up herb cabinet withquartz crystal and baby’s ashes. Will have to divide up the ashes for Andrew. Has to unpack essential oils.
After that, its cuts to the next day. Will finish recap later.
So about 4:30 min into the video, it's the next day. She stopped filming as she got an email from Andrew (assuming the one referred to livestream) and had to stop filming for vlog.
She explains she posted on Insta that she was going out with a friend looking real cute. The "new" guy wants to date her - they went out for dinner and he's a really nice guy.
She realized she's not ready for dating. Thought she was but actually she wanted to be ready to date. Explains that she's sad, alone. Hard with BPD to be alone. Wanted to jump back into something.
She says honestly that she would have been impulsive and slept with new guy if there was chemistry.
Realized she's not ready for any romantic relationship.
They did mushrooms and stayed out late.
She heard from Andrew. She doesn't care if people critique her about the mushrooms as she thinks it's a strong natural medicine to help her when she's having a bad time. Thought it was beneficial to her. Was able to let go of her anger towards Andrew at least for now.
She sent Andrew an email post-mushroom. Had lots of things to say. Didn't think that he would read or reply to it. She wanted to tell him everything she felt - she knows it's a mistake.
Now dealing with repercussions from mushroom. He said the most beautiful things to her on the email, how he felt about her and their relationship, about what he has done. She thought if this convo had been done in person, she wouldn't have been able to resist it and taken him back. There was a moment of weakness.
Goes back and forth. She won't take him back but she knows she goes through those ups and downs thinking it could be fixed but then realizing it can't be.
Andrew regrets everything. The stress and anxiety of hiding from her was killing him and that he should have told her years before. He wanted to start over in Arkansas and bury it. She says he can't run and escape from it. He regrets every decision. He's sorry and loves her but doesn't expect her to forgive him.
He had wanted to come back to AR and have a life with her. He realized he couldn't live with himself still lying to her. The guilt and anxiety from hiding from her and keeping secrets devasted his soul.
He still making impulsive decisions. He's so proud of her, filling him with shame. He feels that she is doing everything and that he has ruined them. He's sorry. He love her. He misses her. He's sorry that he was making her out to be the bad one and that it was him all along.
She says that it was really nice to hear that from Andrew but painful. She says that if he knows and realizes all this, how could he still do that. She doesn't know how to make sense of it but she can't.
She responded back once. She knows she shouldn't do it. She has such hard time resisting, she loves him so much. She's trying to love and respect herself more.
In email, she's sorry for everything, how things ended up. They could have worked things out if he had come to her when it had first started and tried. But he just ran away and that she cannot trust that anymore and again. She'll never stop loving him and wanting him. Doesn't think anyone could ever compare to him ever in her eyes. She knows it's fucked up.
When she went out with other guy but she realized what she valued from Andrew as a partner in terms of the strong connection intellectually, spiritually, philosophically. They connected on every single level. That's why it hurts so bad to be betrayed by him and for him to leave with their strong connection. She can't talk to anyone in the way she does with him and the values they share.
Feels hopeless of finding anybody ever again. Needs to prepare not to find anyone like Andrew at least not seriously again.
Loneliness, hopelessness, sadness makes her do stupid things. She's trying not to hurt herself. Trying to get her
tit together. Shouldn't go on dates. It's ridiculous as she needs to heal first.
On date, all she did is talk about Andrew. She's still processing, she's not perfect, and she's going to try not to contact Andrew anymore.
There's no closure from this, doesn't matter anymore; has to move on from it.
Her friend is coming over the next day to get septum pierced. She called the piercing place. Made an appt. Lady on phone said that they have to check anatomy of septum so needs a backup piercing. Doesn't want any other type of piercing - maybe eyebrow perhaps...
She then goes to do livestream from yesterday. Has to do laundry and has to leave apartment. They got pizza on date - only ate toppings and had drinks. Guy plays guitar and sings well. She's a sucker for musicians. Loves a musician. But it wasn't enough for her. She needs time.
What if she meets someone who could be good for her but she couldn't be in a relationship due to BPD. Doesn't want to rush into a relationship. Had rushed into relationship with Andrew prior. They basically lived together from the first day on. Has to heal from Andrew and take it really slow. She doesn't want the same thing to occur again.
So lonely but hard to be yourself when used to being with a partner for so long. Hopes viewers aren't disappointing from her. She knows she's going to
duck up a lot. She's made some progress but still is impulsive and does stupid things. She tries to recognize it.
Her friend is going to film her septum being filmed. She just finished the livestream. Thanks viewers for comments and donations.
UPDATE: the prior email mentioned above is not the email from the livestream. this is a new email she received from Andrew. She doesn't know how to feel about it. She kept on streaming. She read the email and messaged him back - knows she shouldn't have.
The email says that he loves her... the same stuff. He hates being without her, it's hopeless, they can't get their life back. He thinks they can start over but she doesn't think she can do that. Because she feels like he's avoiding, not putting her first, he's willing to do therapy and the hard work.
He's not willing to call her so she's not going to be second place for somebody all this time. She feels like she was never number one to him. He felt she never put him first but in all honesty, he put himself first.
She still loves and wants him but she's trying to protect herself. It's hard and difficult. She has to stop speaking to him but it's so easy to say it but in this situation, she hurts so much and loves Andrew so much, you just want all this not to be true. Very hard not to talk to him. We'll see how things go. She just has to stop contact.
Now, she's going to work on apartment, listen to music, etc... Going to keep this shorter.
- She's going to do laundry. Something about Tide detergent that Andrew picked out. Smells like how Andrew smelled when he came back the first time. She hates it cause it reminds her of the first breakup. Smell is tied to memory. Needs to buy new detergent.
- She is unpacking boxes of herbalism stuff. Hopes she has enough room. Essential oils, etc... Wants to make herbal products again (shampoo and dishwashing liquid). Trying to get through day to day.
- Needs to make soap. Jojoba oil leaked. The towels are best value and see-through. Needs to buy better ones. Tries not to use paper towels but useful for things. Has plans to make moisturizer, lotion, face wash
- Trying to make it through the day. Mentions how livestream asked her what else she needs for apartment. Needs a clock. Local stores didn't have anything she liked. She won't buy anything mediocre. Would rather buy on Etsy or markets.
- She is feeding Bella and Mortimer. Most expensive food she can afford. Half a can a day and then dry kibble for the rest.
- She's taking dogs out. Bella is pooping. Wants to take them elsewhere to walk too.
Sorry but I won't bother to summarize PO unboxing back in CO.