Cindy's Livestream Recap:
I am sorry for the length and the general rambleness of this post. She went back to topics multiple times and I tried to combine things to make it easier for people to read. All of this is pretty much verbatim from her mouth.
Info about Breakup, Andrew, Family etc.
- Their house sold really fast, within days. She thinks it is because everyone wants to move to Colorado for weed. She's glad it sold fast because she wanted out. She hated her house, she despised it and she is so much happier now.
- Still hasn't told her family yet. Doesn't want her family to think badly about him. Still protecting him. Still loves him. Doesn't know what she is going to tell them. Most likely going to tell her sister the truth and lie to her brothers and step father. Wait, NOT lie, not tell them the whole truth. "We just couldn't work out or problems." Family does not know she has this channel. Her brothers and step father won't push for the whole truth, but her sister will. Doesn't feel like she can do the trip to see her sister yet. Sister has lots of kids, six kids, two of which Cindy has not met.
- "How does your family think you make money?" They think Cindy has her old job. She never told them any different. She didn't lie, but they never asked. She doesn't like corporate medical coding because it was stressful and if you make a mistake you can cost the hospital a lot of money. BUT she was very good at her job but her heart wasn't in it and she wanted to do something more creative. She would go back if she got canceled on Youtube and couldn't make money on the platform anymore. Is she going to get a job in Arkansas. HELL NO! Youtube is her job. She doesn't plan on Youtube ever stopping being a part of her income. If it did, she would just be a blogger. She is very good at earning money on line and never wants to go back to a 9 to 5 job. If she had to go back to a 9 to 5, she'd go back to medical coding or waitress because she can make a lot of money from waitressing and it doesn't have a lot of responsibility. That's what she looks for in a job.
- Did she ever suspect Andrew was cheating. Yep. She never expected he did anything in real life. Never believed he would to that. Cindy thinks that Andrew knows how bad he screwed up. He denied cheating the whole time. Does Andrew's mom have an opinion on this? She's sure she does but she doesn't know what it is. Will she stay in touch with Andrew's family? She doesn't think so. She doesn't know why she would. Her whole family loved Andrew and adored him. He was the only guy that she ever dated that her dad approved of. Cindy said that Andrew isn't "needlessly cruel."
- Has Andrew contacted her? Yes and she'll tell you about it in the next vlog. Andrew has not received any threats, not any that she knows about. She hates Pizza Hut now. She despises it and hates driving by one. Andrew talked to her about his issues but she says not completely, not truly. It didn't upset her that Andrew was always on his phone when she was vlogging or shopping because he didn't have much to do at the time.
- Gibbons is doing well at Andrew's Mom's house. She has had updates about him. Gibbons has to stay in Colorado. She asked about having another pet but for insurance reasons, it's capped at two. She isn't going to bring Gibbons back when she goes to Colorado because she doesn't want to travel with him across country and she can't have him there.
- Would she ever take Andrew back if he apologized to her? She doesn't think so. She would like to believe she would say no. She wants to say no but she still loves him. She knows of one person he's cheated with, clarification, she suspects that he cheated with her. He hasn't told her. She doesn't know for sure and doesn't care. She thinks that he never intended to tell her, wanted to start over in Arkansas but felt too guilty. She doesn't know if he is still with the other woman, based on the things he told her, she doesn't think so but she doesn't know what she can trust. Was he staying with a girl when he was gone for a month. She suspected it but is not sure.
- Does she feel relief now that she knows her suspicions were right? Yes. She has a lot of relief about everything and it is nice to know the truth about everything that happened. It's nice to not have anxiety that something is going on behind her back. But it also sucks.
- She's pretty sure they are getting divorced. She doesn't know if she wants to file or she is going to let him file. She doesn't know what is going to happen yet. It is still in the very beginning stages. Andrew still has a key to the apartment. She's not going to change the locks.
- Do you think Andrew was threatened by your improvement? It's very complicated. She thinks it contributed to it in a way. Because he feels she is getting better and she doesn't need him and stuff. Did Andrew block her? He got a new number but I guess in a way, yeah.
- During the stream, Andrew emailed her. She couldn't read it right then. She doesn't think he is hoovering, she does that. She can't block him. She knows she has to do it but she still wants to hear what he has to say. She's not great at understand what is toxic or not. She lived in a toxic relationship for a long time and didn't know it was. She explained a lot of what she wanted to say in tomorrow's vlog. He doesn't know she is streaming and doesn't watch her videos because that would mean he would have to face seeing how he made her feel. She's going to read it but doesn't know if she will respond. The Andrew that she thought she knew does not exist. The man she was in love with does not exist. She's relapse on Andrew a couple times. It's hard not to get sucked in by his messages because she still loves him. She wants to talk to him. Whenever he first emailed her, this is not the first time and she'll talk about that in tomorrow's vlog, she thought she could take him back. She goes back and forth on it. She has to stop doing that.
Info about Cindy and her old/new life
- Cindy's streaming equipment, microphone, lights etc. was left behind in Colorado. The rest of their stuff that they couldn't put in their cars got donated to a church or given to various people they knew.
- Cindy spent all the money from the sale of the house on debt and has just enough money to pay her $800 rent this month. She said she should be able to pay her bills with the money from Youtube BUT she's bought tickets for concerts, getting her septum pierced and her ears pierced multiple times. She wants to go back to getting laser hair removal. Doesn't know how much the piercing are going to cost. She is getting a tattoo on her 40th birthday as well. She'll show us what she is planning in her next vlog, if she doesn't forget. She's going to get the tattoo on her forearm because she is going get surgery on her arms and she doesn't want the surgery to distort the tattoo. Her forearm is the ONE place she isn't going to get surgery. If anyone is going to be with her, they are going to have to be into pudge, she self concious now that she has lost weight, getting into a new relationship with someone and being intimate with someone, she is really nervous about that. It's not going to be for a long time. She looks good in clothes but once you get the clothes off "it's a mess." She won't use Tinder. She's had some bad dating site experiences. She would rather meet someone naturally but that is hard for her because she doesn't do anything. She doesn't know what she is going to do. Would she date a subscriber? Yeah, if they were what she was looking for. She doesn't care if they are a subscriber or not. She doesn't think a subscriber would want to date her because they have seen "the crazy" but you never know.
- She's been informed about Zachary Michael's video. Cindy says she doesn't look at or seek out other's thoughts about her. Amberlynn Reid sent Cindy a super chat. "Welcome to Gorl World. Don't let reaction channels bring you down." And Cindy said she's been watching Amber for years. She doesn't care if people react to her. She knew it was going to happen eventually if she got big enough. It means she is important enough to talk about. It helped her get a lot of new subscribers so she guesses it is positive.
- She's going to talk about her date in a vlog, but she isn't ready to date. She has to save something for the vlogs. She has a weigh-in coming next vlog. She lost more weight. She's never been able to stick to anything before and she's lost weight in an unhealthy way before. Goal is 135 because that would mean she isn't overweight anymore. Looked the best at 115 pounds. She has to get skin surgery because she looks like a "floppy piece of tit." Has to get surgery on her stomach, arms and legs.
- Cindy is considering going back to the Sims. She has to play the game and see if she is motivated to make content about it. Thinking about playing other games but in the past people weren't interested if it wasn't the Sims. She doesn't want to make lackluster content. No promises. This is the FIRST time she has considered it.
- After all the tragedy she's had in the last year, the negativity doesn't get to her. She says she blocks the negativity out of her life. She hasn't had the strength to leave her apartment by herself yet.
- Trying to accept the fact that she'll never have a family. Not interested in adoption. Going to be 40 in a month. She could have fertility until 42. Doesn't want to do IVF. Doesn't want to be a foster mom. Doesn't feel capable of doing it. Doesn't want to be responsible for troubled kids.
Right now she has nothing to give emotional in her life, especially to children.
- Has to go back to Colorado to register the car. Doesn't know how she is going to do that. She's thinking about taking his guitars back to him when she goes back to Colorado. She knows she said she was going to sell all his stuff but she's not going to be petty about it. She still loves him and cares about him and she wants him to have the things back.
- She's getting texts from the guy she went out on a date with and says "she needs to deal with that."
- If anyone lives near her, she wants you to reach out to her because she needs friends. Needs some female friends. Sarah says she lives near by and Cindy says send her an email. She would like to be long distance friends with people.
- Going to get a PO Box soon. People want to make her art and send her stuff for her birthday on May 13th. Someone offered her a painting and she would like a raven painting. She was offered several free tarot readings and told them to email her. She going to take classes in tarot, a local shop teaches tarot. She could do a tarot livestream once she learns. What does she still need for her apartment? She needs bookshelves, but she doesn't think anyone is going to mail her one of those. More decor.
- What's her type of guy? Andrew is her type. Hippie, dark curly hair/beard, tall and thin. Personality, spiritual, hippish, gentle, sweet, kind and quiet. Introvert, must love music/live shows, a younger man. Andrew but not a cheater. He's the perfect man for her except for the cheating. She's never going to find someone like that again and is going to be alone forever. He doesn't seem like he's that kind but Cindy knows him deep down and he is. "God, he's fucked up." It's weird but her dad had dark colored hair and a beard. That's what she likes in a man. She has a lot of daddy issues. She has daddy and mommy issues, all the issues.
- Doesn't feel like she can be an inspiration to others. Feels like she is a mess of a person. Hopes she can inspire people that are as messy as her to make progress on themselves and go forward in life.
- She has a bad problem with not being able to give herself credit for the things she's accomplished and she's working on it in therapy. It's hard because if you are told all your life that you aren't good enough, it's hard to believe you are good enough.
- What are the main differences in your personality between how you handled this separation and the last one? She is more accepting of it and less desperate. More willing to put herself first and more willing to do what is best for her.
- If she did go back to Pleasant Sims, the first thing she would do is play The Sims 4 and see how bad it is. Or check out the new expansion pack.
- She's been going to her therapy every week over video call. Her therapist is still in Colorado and she likes her a lot.
- Does the blog help her out with her finances? The Pleasant Sims blog earns her a good amount of income every month. She would be screwed without it. She needs to update things on there and if she gets back into the Sims she will. She doesn't think she'll do daily vlogs ever day but she is going to do as many as she can. She doesn't want to have a Patreon. She doesn't want to be obligated to put out content and doesn't want to take people's money when she feels like she isn't giving them enough content. But she's thinking about it.
- What are her best characteristics? She has no idea. She needs to figure that out. She's an incredibly loyal friend and partner. An incredibly caring and forgiving person, which can be taken advantage of.
- She has done EMDR therapy before and it was incredibly helpful for her. She wants to do it again. She has so much trauma that they have only begun to scratch the surface.
- Life goals now that she is single. It is so hard for her to set goals. She wants to finish her herbalism course, wants to become an amateur herbalist, wants to write a book, these are her main life goals. She wants to write a book about the herbs in her mountains but it is hard right now to focus on her passions because she is still going through a lot of emotional distress. One of her dreams, once she gets to the place where she isn't trying to keep herself from falling apart every second of every day, she wants to go out and start wildcrafting with the herbs that grow natively.
- Has she told her therapist about her vlogging channel. Nope, but she told them about her Sims channel. She knows it is bad not to mention it but she is afraid her therapist will tell her not to do it and she doesn't want to hear that. A kind person can hurt someone badly, and she's struggled with that because she sees things in black and white/extremes. One of the first times she realized she was getting better was when she realized he does love her but still hurt her at the same time. Her therapist told her that she needs to say that he loved her AND hurt her instead of how her thinking was, that he loved her BUT hurt her and how could that be true. Realized that those two things could be true at once. Really was hard for her to get her mind around that. You can love someone and hurt them, she did that.
- How has she been spending her alone time away from Youtube and bureaucracy? That's pretty much it. Or crying, taking bubble baths and trying to soothe herself in various ways, hanging out with her one friend and that's it. Either she's doing Youtube, taking care of mundane things that need taken care of, crying or she's talking to a friend. She thinks it is pretty sad. She has not been working out at all but wants to start back up again. She wants to get back into hooping. All she's been doing lately is keeping herself alive and stable. Would not wish BPD on anyone. It is so hard to deal with and it so hard to recover from. You have to rewire your brain because the pathways were not wired correctly as a child because it was beaten out of you. It is very hard to do as an adult. BPD is hell and is called the most painful mental illness you can have. Your baseline is just pain all the time. She wants to go on a hike but she has a hard time with the still and quiet because that's when the intrusive thoughts come in. She's still in a place where she has to distract herself from the thoughts.
- Has she tried to reach out to him? Yes and she is going to tell the whole story in tomorrow's vlog.
- She was diagnosed in her 30's with BPD. Andrew suspected she had BPD because she was having a hard time with her identity.
- Would she do a fan meetup? No, there are some crazy ass people out there and she wouldn't tell people where she was.
- She has 3 pairs of jeans that fit her and 4 t-shirts. Right now her money situation is sketchy until she gets her Youtube money so she has to hold off spending right now. Shopping vlog time! Pretty soon she won't be able to wear Torrid clothes anymore and she doesn't know where she'll get her clothes after that.
Miscellaneous Stuff
- She has 20k subscribers.
- Needs to get an appointment for Bella and Morty's grooming.
- She was in Arkansas when the tornado came through. It was really close to them and she was scared.
- Her two dogs are named after Sims characters. She wants to get a big dog, a female mastiff and name it Cassandra. She was told to get her therapist to write a letter about an emotional support animal so she could get Gibbons, because emotional support animals are not pets and don't count toward pet limits. She'll consider it.
- She has nervous habits she does like putting on lip balm over and over, messing with her necklace and scratching her neck.
- Did she ever consider doing a personality test on vlog/stream? No, but she is considering it now.
- Does she feel pressure because so many people watch her? No.
- She wants to do witchy videos again in the future, when she is feeling up to it.
- She loves her apartment but needs to do some work on it. Her office is a disaster with boxes everywhere. The last couple days she hasn't got much done at all. Really enjoying making her own space.
- Is she scared to be home alone in her apartment? No, her area is very safe and she has security cameras all around. She doesn't want to listen to true crime anymore because she lives alone and doesn't want to put herself in that headspace.
- Doesn't have her wigs anymore. Never wants to wear them again.
- Cindy wants to read books again, when she feels like it. She has a hard time concentrating on anything right now. She's planning on reading The Body Keeps the Score.
- She hasn't been taking her electrolytes or eating enough. She did a 56 hour fast and has eaten very little.
- She smokes marijuana rarely and it makes her paranoid, so she only smokes a little bit. The only medicine she takes is shrooms. She has someone who has offered to help her with DMT but she doesn't know if she wants to or not.
- She married her first husband at 17. He was a punk rocker and still plays in a band to this day. He cheated on her throughout the whole relationship. They were together 5 years, but actually together a year before he ran off with the landlord's girlfriend and ghosted her. She had to get the court to find him so she could divorce him and marry Andrew. Her first husband was really abusive and isolating, she lost all her friends, lost touch with herself and everyone she knew. BPD also makes it hard to have friends because it makes you split on people but she doesn't do that anymore. She has a thing for people who make her life chaotic and she can't help herself.
- She'll never have a discord again.
- Won't dye her hair because it is fragile but might dye it with Henna. Will do a vlog on it if she does.
- She wants to go full goth. Her true style is dark gypsy. Mixture of hippie and goth. Grunge style. Goblincore is her style.
- She doesn't like the idea of making and selling products. She doesn't like the idea of shipping things. When she had her Ebay store, she didn't like that. She didn't like shipping or wrapping stuff.
- Cindy dropped out of High School in 11th grade and got her GED in her 20's. Her degree is in Health Information Technology.
