Lauren Goodger #28 Pregacy almost ending, covid rules bending, still not trending

[MrFMercury]

She instinctively knew she’d be able to have a natural birth. Ffs. Shut up woman! You’re setting yourself up for an ever increasing fall. Hopefully this baby will be born healthy and in one piece by whatever means needed. The bit you can infuence is the eating right and moving plenty and you’ve done neither.

 

[Sasha Sinclair]

The same face (don’t know what app) is used on EVERY BACKGRID photo ...

Just a bewful, bewful, yungel going about her business

 

[Blowup80]

Oh no, not having those two advertising my inventions, they'll only make it all about them and their mental elf somehow

Do the shac n vac
And put the freshness back
Lying in bed all day
She has a stinky crack.

Do the shac n vac
And put the freshness back
Sheets are really stinky
All day lying on her back

Do the shac n vac
And put the freshness back
Chaz has had the lads round
Smells of balls and crack.

 

[Badirene]

If she really wanted attention and press interest the most novel thing she could do is have a sit-down with a serious newspapers style magazine on a Sunday edition and recount the ways that young people, like her, are drawn into these reality shows and influencer lifestyles by unscrupulous types and exploited, being finally spat out at the other end to try to find a living by resorting to sex work.

She could have an inspirational story about how, now she is about to become a mother, she is reflecting on how abusive financially and emotionally this type of media is, she could speak on how horrified she is to be a part of the cycle that is still drawing young girls into this world and speak about her own missteps along the way.

Now she would not necessarily have to believe any of that, she could believe thats all cobblers privately, but in public she is rebranded as a "campaigner" of sorts, a new mum who is down to earth with a baby detailing her struggles, reaching out to get advice and experience from others in the baby media industry. I don't believe that the same appetite exists for reality shows right now, after the past year people are coming to realise they didn't miss "So-and-so saunters down the road in front of staged paps".

The problem is this would take effort and a bit of initiative, so she will continue to post about injecting plastic lips onto yungels, begging for takeaways and "garnishing" her home cooking (slop) with sweet corn and vine tomatoes.

 

[Notaninstamumeither]

Nice for something to be perfectly straight for Chas.

 

[MrsGripperStebson]

the OK column is up....

BEGGY MUCH?!!!

 

[WordSalad]

Lozza looking for a UK based holiday rental with a swimming pool on her stories today.

Meanwhile Mark and Michelle building a mansion with their own permanent swimming pool.

Well you were right Lauren, Mark will never get better than you

Good luck with this beg Loz. UK holiday rentals are at a premium this year and hard to find availability. Owners are making up for their losses over the last year and won't be giving a freebie to this loser. And she wants a pool? Only the best for lady muck, shame she can't afford it. How about a tent? Chas would love the pegging.

 

[MrsGripperStebson]

How comes that every beach or even park was absolutely rammed yesterday, EXCEPT the place that BL and Chaz were? Not a soul around them. Either the munters got down there super early as they didn't want anyone to see their hideous unfiltered bodies or they reeked so much of smoke, grease and unwashed sheets that everyone else kept their distance....

 

[Sasha Sinclair]

Keeps me guessing for sure! Which face today, which colour polyester outfit, which home made sandwich. I can't sleep at night with anticipation

 

[Katie8ee]

Hope @Katie8ee is doing well xx.
Remember this lol xx.

View attachment 594845



Juletember lol xx

Hello so nice to see you!!! I have been missing in action as have been opening the business and training my staff. It's all going very well so pleased to report that on Tuesday I will have my first day off in three weeks and can catch up! I hope everyone is fab and that I haven't missed anything really exciting. I will be back in time for the run up to Lauliè!!!!!!! Xxx

 

[BonsaiBobbi]

It’s fucking ANXIETY! You’d think she’d know how to spell it since she suffers so much!

She is so special. All of us with school aged kids have been doing lateral flow tests twice a week for months. So have 11 year old children. But - somehow - the lazy lard arse should have speccal tweatment because her and babes is like the Essex massive. Literally.

Fat fucks.

Idiots.

Idiot fat fucks.

I hope the baby is safe and mum is well. But stop making out that you and Chavie are in anyway special. You great lump.

Also, idiot, when Chelskie play City, they are both blue. So you're 'babe is well 'appy cos blues' post was moronic.

He is too fat to kick a pinecone into a ditch. Fat fuck.

Who bills themselves as an amateur footballer?

Pair of fat bloody idiots. It really is a penalty shoot out for him. Against Lard Arse Town. Both are going down for all to see.

Dirty skanks.

 

[Blowup80]

This is bloody brilliant, cheered me right up after a shit day at work can I pleeeease do the Lozza version of 'Dear Deidre'? I promise to send everybody a personal reply and not just an e-leaflet


Oh god. I'm Shandy Booth. Yep, sound like a 30 stone stripper from the arse end of Shoeburyness or somewhere

You lot are killing me

Dear Facehugger
I have a problem with my boyfriend. He says he loves me but I think he is gay. I've noticed phallic shaped fruit and vegetables going missing in the house and turning up in the bathroom sink. Also when I go visit Essex's best carpark I come home and a handsome boy is always leaving and my boyfriend always looks a little flushed, he says it's just a mate but I don't know maybe it's my strong hormones making me paranoid. There is this online chat site where busy cunts go to slag celebs off and they say they've seen naughty videos of him with his bum out and someone said something about a pokey bot wank, I dunno I'm just a bit confused. What ya think a shud do? Thanks
Lozza.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Brittan's most famyous and bewfwl yungel Lauren Goodjah, invites OK readerz into her intimut and bewfel birf of Yungel Lady Lauren Rose Chardonnay Sauvignon Fillah the 3rd. (Dave, if it's a boy). Lauren tells us how:

Charles had to have gas and air upon arrival
Her hairdresser straightened her hair as bewfel yung girl was being pushed out
At the moment bewfel yungel (hopefully not boy) arrived in the world, a choir of angels descended from heaven followed an impromptu performance from Phats and Small
Whilst yungel was cleaned up by midwives, bewfel yungel had a spray tan and a glass of champagne
After being discharged, yungel went home with her beau Charles and celebrated with a 5 hour broiled broccoli and corn broth.

 

[MrFMercury]

Here you go Scrunchies....

Fairy lights, spray tans and a masseuse?!?! Does she think the bairn is just going to slide out instead trying to push a watermelon through one nostril?

What that actual fuck is she going on about. You’ll be in whatever fucking position you need to be when you give birth. Selfies? Your midwife handling the other midwives and doctors? They are there to get you and the baby through it in one piece you imsufferable thunder cunt! You are making yourself a far higher risk mother because you can’t stop shovelling shit in your gob.
argh. Sorry but that column..... if she genuinely thinks that I hope to god there is someone around whose actually going to care for this baby because I really don’t think Lozza will have a clue.

*and breathe*

 

[Facehugger]

Dear Facehugger
I have a problem with my boyfriend. He says he loves me but I think he is gay. I've noticed phallic shaped fruit and vegetables going missing in the house and turning up in the bathroom sink. Also when I go visit Essex's best carpark I come home and a handsome boy is always leaving and my boyfriend always looks a little flushed, he says it's just a mate but I don't know maybe it's my strong hormones making me paranoid. There is this online chat site where busy cunts go to slag celebs off and they say they've seen naughty videos of him with his bum out and someone said something about a pokey bot wank, I dunno I'm just a bit confused. What ya think a shud do? Thanks
Lozza.

Dear Lozza
I think that sadly your fears are not unfounded. He sounds bent as a ten Bob note to me. Now it's up to you if you want to beard him, but if you want to stop an endless stream of botty boys in and out of your house, I'd suggest stocking up his bedside drawer with plenty of various phallic shaped plastic toys and lube. And packet of bum wipes, a tube of Anusol and a bin in the corner might come in handy.

You, while he's otherwise engaged, can #busycunt yourself staying occupied on your discount OF site providing wank material for mucky old pervs and sadsacks. My invoice for £7.99 will follow shortly.
Have Fun.
Hugger

 

[Facehugger]

Gifted a fucking £700 a night break which isn't even declared as #gifted when NHS workers who probably haven't even had a break yet can't get a break for free. These "gifters" Need to get a fucking grip. They embarrass themselves for a few likes off a mediocre z lister.
#getreal #gifttothosewhodeserveit #lozzaisazlisteryoufuckingidiots

Absolutely spot on not just NHS workers either, some key workers in other fields have slaved their guts out daily throughout the pandemic up to now, aren't as well paid as some NHS workers either, don't they deserve a break too hey Cave bloody golf place? Tell you what, I wouldn't pay money to go anywhere giving freebies to these so called Celeb chavvies, any of them

 

[Blowup80]

Morning scrunchies!
So the "Insufferable Thunder Cunt" (@MrFMercury ) wants a princess party for her birth? Aw sweet, cute, perfect, pretty, baby gel.
Fuck off Lozza you twat. Pack your hospital bag, make sure you have what's needed at home ready then just hope you and baby are fine and well. Hope you don't have an emergency and need stitches from your arse to your fanny and your baby is a healthy weight ect.
She really is a prize twatty cunt. Lying in bed all day dreaming of the perfect birth. Should be happy you got the chance to experience this special time as many don't!!

 

[Blowup80]

I live 5 mins away

Have seen her quite a few times , but not recently !

You what?? Get behind those bins now!

 

[Badirene]

Wonder if she's booked in for a C section and is scrounging a limo so she can arrive in the style her celebrity status deserves. Backgrid will be on full alert to capture her pregacy glowing arrival. Shame it's only Arlow Ospital and not the Portland.

I read that as Poundland, and thought "wow they do babies now, makes sense on Loz's budget" off for first coffee of the day

Is it chingford or Brentford she lives?

She's in Chinsford and Chaz is in Bentford. (I'll make my own way out thanks)

 

[Bubblepink]

Just catching up...
So she wants 4 figures for a picture of her bits, well a tip for any of you would be punters out there - take Lozzas lips, rotate the picture and Tah Dah!
You have one for free