Inaugural/previous thread here: https://tattle.life/threads/women-with-adhd-diagnosis-in-adulthood.5079/
Apologies for my epic post at the end of the last thread, I'm in the zone!
Couldn't see any rules/regs/recaps so I assume just continue the conversation, but for existing and new Tattlers I'd really recommend checking out Russell Barkley on YouTube.
Two things he said, that people with ADHD don't have an internal clock and that there's a developmental lag in childhood in terms of "caretaking" such as being left in charge of dinner, or children, or learning to ride a bike, really stood out to me.
And finally, ADHD isn't really about not paying attention, it's about not being able to control your attention, so you can't always focus and prioritise properly.
You're not stupid, or lazy, or crazy, or any of those things and you're not alone <3
---
Here is my novel from the last thread because it got locked, some people might find it useful, and @Sideboard Bob you are NOT being a princess, please don't think like that, do you believe you should be able to work with so many things literally tugging your concentration in other directions?!
Sideboard Bob said:
Just thinking out loud about overlaps between adhd and autism. I‘ve looked into the definition and diagnostic criteria for autism, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t apply to me.
But, I’m really starting to realise how sensitive I am with sensory issues. I’ve been doing some work in a different place recently and honestly feel like I’m going crazy because the lights are too bright, its too warm, and there’s no fresh air, and it’s impossible to change any of these things. Oh and there‘s too much noise.
It makes it so hard for me to focus on anything, and it just leaves me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
ETA. And I hate being like this, it makes me feel like I’m being a princess, or can’t just pull myself together, but it really does affect me in such a debilitating way.
My personal hunch with this, as someone with ASD and ADHD, is that anyone's brain gets overstimulated eventually and it happens far faster for autistic people because there are processing issues, but with ADHD it's more about the executive functioning and our wildly out of calibration attention (it's not attention deficit is it really, it's more inappropriate, locked on attention?!) soooo if you are attempting to focus on doing the thing whilst there are other things screaming for your attention like bright lights, feeling physically uncomfortable, intermittent noise then you're basically wrangling a puppy in street food market.
Not sure if you're really after advice but I've found ear defenders, tinted glasses and layering clothes helpful for open plan office situations. The ear defenders keep people away, the yellow/orange specs look a little strange over my regular glasses but with all the kerfuffle over blue light you can just blame that and no one is looking at your clothes closely enough to read anything into your body temperature!
---
Shawads said:
Secondly I know he’s quite private but is usually pretty open with me, or seems to be.
a family member of his has told me some quite serious stuff that’s been happening and he hasn’t told me at all.
I don’t know if it’s an oversight as he’s busy and maybe stressed or he just wants to be private but I think with the stupid fb rsd and then this , it’s really triggered me today.
Single most useful piece of relationship advice I've ever been given is a reworking of Hanlon's razor:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
EXCEPT: Replace stupidity with "their own stuff" or even, in close relationships, "their desire to keep you safe, unstressed and unworried"
Maybe he doesn't want to think about it in his happy place with you, perhaps he doesn't want you to deal with negativity (especially true if you're going through anything yourself!) and it could be that he's just waiting for the right time to discuss it.
It's easier said than done but try to train your brain to be kind in its conclusion jumping; if someone is rude to you or pushes you out the way on the tube, they're having a bad day, it's not about you.
If you get a dirty look from a coworker it's more likely they were staring into space and thinking about having to eat sprouts at Christmas than they intentionally gave you fleeting stinkeye for no reason.
As I said, not easy, takes time and practice, but so worth it for your peace of mind if you can manage to block even ten percent of the "oh it's my fault xyz" RSD reactions that pop up from what turns out to be utterly inconsequential.
It's almost never about you <3
---
Meg78 said:
I am massively struggling to control my spending atm, alternating between designer purchases and discounters, and the house is a hoarders paradise
I don’t know how to switch it off, I can’t tolerate stimulants so can’t medicate, but my husband is miserable, this can’t go on
Try removing all of your autofill, PayPal, Google and Apple wallets etc so that you have to find your card and input the whole number/expiry date etc every single time you buy something online.
Depending on your relationship with your husband you could make an accountability agreement of some kind maybe? I went through a phase where I had to show my purchases spreadsheet to my sister, that really killed the frivolous spending because having to fill in the why I needed it section for a pink ResQme when I already had a work and home one in orange and yellow respectively was... Challenging.
Some people swear by the "keep it in your basket for 24 hours" rule for online but that didn't work for me because, well, impulsive is impulsive! If I could stop myself then I just would, though adding various versions of something to my online basket/wishlist so I could deep dive on which is best later on did prevent some unnecessary purchases.
Finally, if the hoarding is an issue, draft in some mates and have a multistage clear out. Thanks to our total lack of object permanence it's essentially the same as going shopping because you'll have forgotten most of what you've bought, and the right friends can tough love you out of unnecessary items to then maybe sell online?
Apologies for my epic post at the end of the last thread, I'm in the zone!
Couldn't see any rules/regs/recaps so I assume just continue the conversation, but for existing and new Tattlers I'd really recommend checking out Russell Barkley on YouTube.
Two things he said, that people with ADHD don't have an internal clock and that there's a developmental lag in childhood in terms of "caretaking" such as being left in charge of dinner, or children, or learning to ride a bike, really stood out to me.
And finally, ADHD isn't really about not paying attention, it's about not being able to control your attention, so you can't always focus and prioritise properly.
You're not stupid, or lazy, or crazy, or any of those things and you're not alone <3
---
Here is my novel from the last thread because it got locked, some people might find it useful, and @Sideboard Bob you are NOT being a princess, please don't think like that, do you believe you should be able to work with so many things literally tugging your concentration in other directions?!
Sideboard Bob said:
Just thinking out loud about overlaps between adhd and autism. I‘ve looked into the definition and diagnostic criteria for autism, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t apply to me.
But, I’m really starting to realise how sensitive I am with sensory issues. I’ve been doing some work in a different place recently and honestly feel like I’m going crazy because the lights are too bright, its too warm, and there’s no fresh air, and it’s impossible to change any of these things. Oh and there‘s too much noise.
It makes it so hard for me to focus on anything, and it just leaves me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
ETA. And I hate being like this, it makes me feel like I’m being a princess, or can’t just pull myself together, but it really does affect me in such a debilitating way.
My personal hunch with this, as someone with ASD and ADHD, is that anyone's brain gets overstimulated eventually and it happens far faster for autistic people because there are processing issues, but with ADHD it's more about the executive functioning and our wildly out of calibration attention (it's not attention deficit is it really, it's more inappropriate, locked on attention?!) soooo if you are attempting to focus on doing the thing whilst there are other things screaming for your attention like bright lights, feeling physically uncomfortable, intermittent noise then you're basically wrangling a puppy in street food market.
Not sure if you're really after advice but I've found ear defenders, tinted glasses and layering clothes helpful for open plan office situations. The ear defenders keep people away, the yellow/orange specs look a little strange over my regular glasses but with all the kerfuffle over blue light you can just blame that and no one is looking at your clothes closely enough to read anything into your body temperature!
---
Shawads said:
Secondly I know he’s quite private but is usually pretty open with me, or seems to be.
a family member of his has told me some quite serious stuff that’s been happening and he hasn’t told me at all.
I don’t know if it’s an oversight as he’s busy and maybe stressed or he just wants to be private but I think with the stupid fb rsd and then this , it’s really triggered me today.
Single most useful piece of relationship advice I've ever been given is a reworking of Hanlon's razor:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
EXCEPT: Replace stupidity with "their own stuff" or even, in close relationships, "their desire to keep you safe, unstressed and unworried"
Maybe he doesn't want to think about it in his happy place with you, perhaps he doesn't want you to deal with negativity (especially true if you're going through anything yourself!) and it could be that he's just waiting for the right time to discuss it.
It's easier said than done but try to train your brain to be kind in its conclusion jumping; if someone is rude to you or pushes you out the way on the tube, they're having a bad day, it's not about you.
If you get a dirty look from a coworker it's more likely they were staring into space and thinking about having to eat sprouts at Christmas than they intentionally gave you fleeting stinkeye for no reason.
As I said, not easy, takes time and practice, but so worth it for your peace of mind if you can manage to block even ten percent of the "oh it's my fault xyz" RSD reactions that pop up from what turns out to be utterly inconsequential.
It's almost never about you <3
---
Meg78 said:
I am massively struggling to control my spending atm, alternating between designer purchases and discounters, and the house is a hoarders paradise
I don’t know how to switch it off, I can’t tolerate stimulants so can’t medicate, but my husband is miserable, this can’t go onTry removing all of your autofill, PayPal, Google and Apple wallets etc so that you have to find your card and input the whole number/expiry date etc every single time you buy something online.
Depending on your relationship with your husband you could make an accountability agreement of some kind maybe? I went through a phase where I had to show my purchases spreadsheet to my sister, that really killed the frivolous spending because having to fill in the why I needed it section for a pink ResQme when I already had a work and home one in orange and yellow respectively was... Challenging.
Some people swear by the "keep it in your basket for 24 hours" rule for online but that didn't work for me because, well, impulsive is impulsive! If I could stop myself then I just would, though adding various versions of something to my online basket/wishlist so I could deep dive on which is best later on did prevent some unnecessary purchases.
Finally, if the hoarding is an issue, draft in some mates and have a multistage clear out. Thanks to our total lack of object permanence it's essentially the same as going shopping because you'll have forgotten most of what you've bought, and the right friends can tough love you out of unnecessary items to then maybe sell online?
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I also don't have anyone who could be a gym buddy to help motivate me, so I feel a bit stuck!! Ant advice much appreciated