Late Diagnosis ADHD/ADD (Women) #2

[Pjta]

So life has been really weird atm, as the kids are off of school lots of family/ MIL, sister/ cousins have wanted to meet up but my 3 children have really been playing nicely at home atm. My eldest is waiting for his appointment but hates people coming to the house / hates play dates and just doesn't do well with socialising at all. So I've decided to put them first, not tying us down to anything and just letting them recharge before school starts back up (which is a daily struggle and really exhausting to get him there everyday anyway)
Well the problem is this seems to have upset family members and they've been vocal about it now I feel like the children aren't going to have had a nice break. I've spoke to my husband he thinks I'm doing the right thing and I've spoke to the kids individually and they are all happy. I can't believe people are so open with their opinions on other peoples lives I can't get my head around it.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Pjta People are bloody annoying. It's why I limit my contact with them. Someone recently expressed their surprise that I don't read the Sunday papers as if I was failing in life by not doing so! So strange. You're following your instinct for yourself & your kids which makes perfect sense. Families eh?

 

[Pjta]

@Pjta People are bloody annoying. It's why I limit my contact with them. Someone recently expressed their surprise that I don't read the Sunday papers as if I was failing in life by not doing so! So strange. You're following your instinct for yourself & your kids which makes perfect sense. Families eh?

It's so strange, the Sunday papers?! How bizarre. I've been doing a lot of research and trying to set boundaries / (grow a back bone basically) and I really can't believe how many people it's effecting. Things that shouldn't even affect them at all I just don't think I realised what a people pleaser I was before. It's liberating but also quite scary not sure if I'm cut out for this back bone business

 

[Hereforthelellls]

I was diagnosed at 40 in the middle of the pandemic. I still feel like I’m recovering from burnout and I also think at 43 perimenopause is making things more difficult. Just want to put that out there

 

[CrimsonCountess]

Ahhh I had a letter come today from my local NHS adhd service saying they have received my referral and they’ve accepted it as from my questionnaire they believe assessment is the correct route to go down. Weirdly it feels a bit more real now, like my concerns seems more valid and that somebody may actually listen to me

 

[unidentified]

Hi everyone. My daughter was diagnosed ASD last year after a long battle in the system. Weirdly I never considered ADHD until I (like many others) came across it on social media and thought oh yeah, this is also her. Even weirder still, I didn’t recognise either in myself until the last year and my whole life seems to make sense (I’m mid 30’s). I spoke to the GP about something else which I now know happens on the back of a meltdown. They didn’t question anything, just put a referral in. Now all these questionnaires have come through and I feel completely overwhelmed. When I talk to my best friend and dad about it all I can say all my struggles but I can’t seem to put it into their questionnaires. I am also conscious that because I think I am ASD and ADHD I don’t scream either one. I am also a professional woman in a very responsible job and I am worried all of that will go against me. I don’t know how to give examples. A lot of this is because I don’t know what is me and what is my masking or forcing myself to cope. Where do I start? I can’t help but feel that the whole assessment process is not designed for neurodivergent people.

 

[Niknak]

Sorry to impose on this thread, it may not be the best place for this post - but I'd be really grateful for a little advice from those of you with ADHD.

My (male) partner of over two years is in the middle of a really low spell mentally and hasn't replied/read my texts or answered my telephone calls for five days now. He has worries about two of his children at the moment, amongst various other things, and I think he's very overwhelmed.

He currently lives with his elderly parents, who aren't in the best of health themselves, since his marriage break-up a few years ago. I could knock on their door but I know the last thing he'd want is to worry them, which would only add to his load.

So my question is to those of you who have ADHD - do I keep sending him the odd text to tell him I'm here whenever he needs me? Do I keep trying to call him once a day? Or am I only adding to his burden and should I stop?

Thank you.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Niknak I personally get over things much quicker if people leave me to work myself out if that makes sense. As long as you've let him know a couple of times you're there for him, what else can you do? Also you need to concentrate on yourself too. You can't sort him out especially if he's caving it and trying to relieve your own anxiety over what's happening currently. All the best. Hope it improves soon.
---
So no don't keep calling every day. IMO.

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

Hi everyone. My daughter was diagnosed ASD last year after a long battle in the system. Weirdly I never considered ADHD until I (like many others) came across it on social media and thought oh yeah, this is also her. Even weirder still, I didn’t recognise either in myself until the last year and my whole life seems to make sense (I’m mid 30’s). I spoke to the GP about something else which I now know happens on the back of a meltdown. They didn’t question anything, just put a referral in. Now all these questionnaires have come through and I feel completely overwhelmed. When I talk to my best friend and dad about it all I can say all my struggles but I can’t seem to put it into their questionnaires. I am also conscious that because I think I am ASD and ADHD I don’t scream either one. I am also a professional woman in a very responsible job and I am worried all of that will go against me. I don’t know how to give examples. A lot of this is because I don’t know what is me and what is my masking or forcing myself to cope. Where do I start? I can’t help but feel that the whole assessment process is not designed for neurodivergent people.

Start with where you are struggling.

A good realisation for me was that I struggle with the "easy" things and get energy / dopamine from the things that others would find objectively "hard". E.G other people write a To Do list and get things done in a given week, including blocking off time after work to clean the house, go to the gym, run some errands etc. Me - nope. If I'm to perform at work, I'm hyperfocusing all day, not eating lunch or taking bathroom breaks, and then I'm too burned out in the evening to transition into anything else.

If you looked at my life and my CV - you'd think, wow, this person is highly capable and quite impressive. The "hard" things - Moved countries and set up shop on my own several times, have had two successful career paths in two very competitive spaces by my mid 30s. Quite smart, ambitious, thrive in chaos etc. However - give me a quiet day with no fires or sirens going off and I will sit in ADHD paralysis, thinking about the million things I need to get done and doing absolutely nothing about it. Ask me about my 5-year plan and I'll freeze on the spot, I don't understand time the way a neurotypical person does and if it's not now, it's meaningless to me. I can't plan and that comes with loads of examples - struggled to settle in any country, struggled to buy a house despite lots of financial success, have been talking about doing a Masters for at least a decade now. Have been talking to my partner about renovating the house for at least three years now.

Another example is relationships and friendships. It's out of sight, out of mind for me. I will literally not think to text people or make plans if they're not in my immediate orbit. I've lost dozens of friendships that way. At the end of a work day, i can think of nothing worse than making weekend / whatever social plans, because the burnout from doing that "one thing" i.e career well, has come at the cost of everything else. I need no plans to recharge and regulate myself.

Hope some of this helps. ADHD in women expresses differently, and I think i've made it to almost 40 before getting diagnosed because I've masked and made one thing that's highly valued by society look good on paper.

 

[Mooncalf]

Start with where you are struggling.

A good realisation for me was that I struggle with the "easy" things and get energy / dopamine from the things that others would find objectively "hard". E.G other people write a To Do list and get things done in a given week, including blocking off time after work to clean the house, go to the gym, run some errands etc. Me - nope. If I'm to perform at work, I'm hyperfocusing all day, not eating lunch or taking bathroom breaks, and then I'm too burned out in the evening to transition into anything else.

If you looked at my life and my CV - you'd think, wow, this person is highly capable and quite impressive. The "hard" things - Moved countries and set up shop on my own several times, have had two successful career paths in two very competitive spaces by my mid 30s. Quite smart, ambitious, thrive in chaos etc. However - give me a quiet day with no fires or sirens going off and I will sit in ADHD paralysis, thinking about the million things I need to get done and doing absolutely nothing about it. Ask me about my 5-year plan and I'll freeze on the spot, I don't understand time the way a neurotypical person does and if it's not now, it's meaningless to me. I can't plan and that comes with loads of examples - struggled to settle in any country, struggled to buy a house despite lots of financial success, have been talking about doing a Masters for at least a decade now. Have been talking to my partner about renovating the house for at least three years now.

Another example is relationships and friendships. It's out of sight, out of mind for me. I will literally not think to text people or make plans if they're not in my immediate orbit. I've lost dozens of friendships that way. At the end of a work day, i can think of nothing worse than making weekend / whatever social plans, because the burnout from doing that "one thing" i.e career well, has come at the cost of everything else. I need no plans to recharge and regulate myself.

Hope some of this helps. ADHD in women expresses differently, and I think i've made it to almost 40 before getting diagnosed because I've masked and made one thing that's highly valued by society look good on paper.

I relate so hard to the part about excelling in your career but being too burned out to do literally anything else. I also look good on paper, I have a good degree, masters and teaching degree, own a house, etc. But I come home from work and literally sit there, not eating or doing any cleaning or housework, and on the weekends I just crash and don't leave the house or even get changed out of my pyjamas for the whole weekend sometimes, I definitely don't make plans with friends outside of work or do activities to try and meet new people. So yes I'm successful at my career but literally can't do laundry. Make it make sense.

 

[Niknak]

@Niknak I personally get over things much quicker if people leave me to work myself out if that makes sense. As long as you've let him know a couple of times you're there for him, what else can you do? Also you need to concentrate on yourself too. You can't sort him out especially if he's caving it and trying to relieve your own anxiety over what's happening currently. All the best. Hope it improves soon.
---
So no don't keep calling every day. IMO.

@Fledgling Psycho Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I've taken your advice and haven't tried to contact him yesterday and today - it's been difficult but you are right, I've already tried to let him know I'm here for him if he needs me and under the circumstances that's all I can do x

 

[Meg78]

Does anyone else struggle with decision paralysis until they’re on the edge of burnout, and then suddenly they have to do all of the things, or are you less self destructive than me

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Does anyone else struggle with decision paralysis until they’re on the edge of burnout, and then suddenly they have to do all of the things, or are you less self destructive than me

I get the same

 

[unidentified]

Start with where you are struggling.

A good realisation for me was that I struggle with the "easy" things and get energy / dopamine from the things that others would find objectively "hard". E.G other people write a To Do list and get things done in a given week, including blocking off time after work to clean the house, go to the gym, run some errands etc. Me - nope. If I'm to perform at work, I'm hyperfocusing all day, not eating lunch or taking bathroom breaks, and then I'm too burned out in the evening to transition into anything else.

If you looked at my life and my CV - you'd think, wow, this person is highly capable and quite impressive. The "hard" things - Moved countries and set up shop on my own several times, have had two successful career paths in two very competitive spaces by my mid 30s. Quite smart, ambitious, thrive in chaos etc. However - give me a quiet day with no fires or sirens going off and I will sit in ADHD paralysis, thinking about the million things I need to get done and doing absolutely nothing about it. Ask me about my 5-year plan and I'll freeze on the spot, I don't understand time the way a neurotypical person does and if it's not now, it's meaningless to me. I can't plan and that comes with loads of examples - struggled to settle in any country, struggled to buy a house despite lots of financial success, have been talking about doing a Masters for at least a decade now. Have been talking to my partner about renovating the house for at least three years now.

Another example is relationships and friendships. It's out of sight, out of mind for me. I will literally not think to text people or make plans if they're not in my immediate orbit. I've lost dozens of friendships that way. At the end of a work day, i can think of nothing worse than making weekend / whatever social plans, because the burnout from doing that "one thing" i.e career well, has come at the cost of everything else. I need no plans to recharge and regulate myself.

Hope some of this helps. ADHD in women expresses differently, and I think i've made it to almost 40 before getting diagnosed because I've masked and made one thing that's highly valued by society look good on paper.

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I can relate to so much of what you’re saying but then I have this other side which is the autistic side. It feels like my head battles itself constantly. If I don’t write lists I don’t get stuff done but it’s lists for then and not a week, I absolutely cannot plan like that. I have one friend who I see maybe once a month (we live an hour apart) and she is my bestie. We know everything about each other. We chat every day on the phone and have a very intense friendship (hello both clearly being undiagnosed neurospicy). I do have two other friends both a married couple. I chat to the husband more via Instagram, barely chat to his wife even though I know him through her. It isn’t I don’t want to. It’s that out of sight out of mind. I can really relate to that. I’ve no desire for any other friends. Couldn’t think of much worse than ‘going out for bottomless brunch with the girls’ that is everything I hate. I’ve also been a bit of a social recluse but when at work I’m so extroverted but it’s all an act. Washing, yep! The amount of times I’ve had to rewash is a joke and it’s that paralysis. I sit knowing it’s in but I can’t physically move to take it out. Putting it on is hard enough. But then I have those moments of madness where I’m in that zone and get everything done in a couple of hours. I am so organised at work, always thinking ahead because I have to be 5 steps ahead but I’ve to set a million reminders and get my best friend to tell me about my flu jab appointment because I forgot two. It’s those little things isn’t it. Things that others find easy but feel impossible to me. Even sitting down to do this feels impossible bur yet I’m saying things here. Make it make sense

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I can relate to so much of what you’re saying but then I have this other side which is the autistic side. It feels like my head battles itself constantly. If I don’t write lists I don’t get stuff done but it’s lists for then and not a week, I absolutely cannot plan like that. I have one friend who I see maybe once a month (we live an hour apart) and she is my bestie. We know everything about each other. We chat every day on the phone and have a very intense friendship (hello both clearly being undiagnosed neurospicy). I do have two other friends both a married couple. I chat to the husband more via Instagram, barely chat to his wife even though I know him through her. It isn’t I don’t want to. It’s that out of sight out of mind. I can really relate to that. I’ve no desire for any other friends. Couldn’t think of much worse than ‘going out for bottomless brunch with the girls’ that is everything I hate. I’ve also been a bit of a social recluse but when at work I’m so extroverted but it’s all an act. Washing, yep! The amount of times I’ve had to rewash is a joke and it’s that paralysis. I sit knowing it’s in but I can’t physically move to take it out. Putting it on is hard enough. But then I have those moments of madness where I’m in that zone and get everything done in a couple of hours. I am so organised at work, always thinking ahead because I have to be 5 steps ahead but I’ve to set a million reminders and get my best friend to tell me about my flu jab appointment because I forgot two. It’s those little things isn’t it. Things that others find easy but feel impossible to me. Even sitting down to do this feels impossible bur yet I’m saying things here. Make it make sense

This sounds super super familiar. I've been formally diagnosed and these are all the things I struggle with. The hyperfocusing to get things done, but never being able to rely on having that focus in a predictable way, the extroversion / confidence at work despite being quite introverted or even a bit reclusive in your personal life, the one intense friendship with someone who is most similar to you and avoidance of other friendships not through reasons you can control. I speak to a very close friend weekly, she's also going through assessments for ADHD now so we're likely both ND. I can't even remember when I spoke to other friends from other circles, probably months. It just doesn't occur to me and then I deal with so much guilt for being such a flaky friend. The over-compensating to be good in one area of your life to the detriment of literally everything else. This is me to a tee.

What complicated things for me is the childhood trauma I've had to work through in recent years, since therapy brought some big things to the surface for me including a large degree of emotional neglect as a kid. I was the "stable, independent kid" in a quite dysfunctional household. In reality I was quite bright and learned to mask hard as a kid as there was a huge amount of expectation on me; while I wasn't your hyperactive kid with behavioural issues, I did really well in school but I did that by doing things at the last minute, including all-nighters studying before big exams. I was also a hardcore daydreamer, but no alarms were raised about these things because on paper I was an A student, quiet and diligent.

As an adult I've been professionally successful, I present with a high degree of confidence, I'm very articulate, well groomed etc etc. My psychiatrist read through that really quickly though, one of the first things he said was "you're quite smiley and confident, are you like that all the time? Do you wake up like that? What about friends, do you have many? When's the last time you spoke to them?"

In about 30 seconds he unravelled years of masking and struggle that I'd been dealing with since I was a child.

 

[Meg78]

The ADHD tax is so real Just had a notification that I’ve been charged tor a veg box…. I was supposed to cancel the subscription in 2020. Every four weeks I log in and skip the deliveries, because you can’t cancel online you have to call and I would rather peel my skin off than make a phone call, so here we are four years later awaiting yet another silly overpriced box of vegetables I will forget are in the fridge. I’ve basically ordered a £16 box of compost. Happens every month and I will learn nothing from this experience

 

[peekachu]

The ADHD tax is so real Just had a notification that I’ve been charged tor a veg box…. I was supposed to cancel the subscription in 2020. Every four weeks I log in and skip the deliveries, because you can’t cancel online you have to call and I would rather peel my skin off than make a phone call, so here we are four years later awaiting yet another silly overpriced box of vegetables I will forget are in the fridge. I’ve basically ordered a £16 box of compost. Happens every month and I will learn nothing from this experience

Oh my gosh, I do the same! I currently have a flower subscription that I have to skip. I really wish it was illegal to make customers call to cancel. I’ve wasted so much money on subscription services that I really didn’t need, I just try to avoid them now and not get lured in.

On a similar note, I signed up to a free trial for Spotify during lockdown and of course forgot to cancel. I had used a spare bank account that I kept some savings in, only realised 2 years later that I’d been paying monthly. Over £200 down the drain and I hadn’t used Spotify the whole time. Completely my own fault

 

[imtakingabath]

The ADHD tax is so real Just had a notification that I’ve been charged tor a veg box…. I was supposed to cancel the subscription in 2020. Every four weeks I log in and skip the deliveries, because you can’t cancel online you have to call and I would rather peel my skin off than make a phone call, so here we are four years later awaiting yet another silly overpriced box of vegetables I will forget are in the fridge. I’ve basically ordered a £16 box of compost. Happens every month and I will learn nothing from this experience

Could you try cancelling via email if you find an email address for customer services?! Or maybe one of those live online chat things?

 

[Hangingaround]

Anyone of meds? I was diagnosed at 44 after 3 my 3 kids diagnosed ADHD, 2 are also autistic!
I started meds 2 weeks ago, low dose the first week and onto a higher dose this week. I haven’t noticed any difference at all….

I read all these posts about people taking meds and immediately feeling calm. I’ve felt none of this, no increase in clarity or decrease in impulsivity. For example today I took keys of car to go to shop I noticed one of the kids spilt something in back seat came back in to give it a quick hoover, 2 hours later the car is spotless inside and out! I didn’t make it to shop

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Lack of structure is really ruining my life at the weekends. Husband is really anti structure and I think I’m just going to have to tell him certain things are happening at certain times of days because I cannot live like this anymore I feel almost suicidal tbh.