Jack Monroe #85 Nobody cares, nobody’s interested

[Toffee finger]

Thank you saviour @Pocahontas


Jeez Jack’s boring. I don’t think I’ve ever read the word egg so much in my life.

 

[Mustard]

Maybe she will become egg bound.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

If you extrapolate from an egg don't you get a chicken?

 

[Lanie]

Sometimes I just think my life is a bit boring sometimes. You know, the same old thing day in day out, because that's life! Then I see things like this and I'm reminded that I'm actually doing alright. If I start talking about boiled eggs on social media then I know I've reached a low point.

Devilled eggs sweetie. Keep up! Chefs kiss.

 

[kachoochoo]

Congratulations to @Bobtheknob for the thread title! Full title: Nobody cares, nobody’s interested. What a load of self-indulgent drivel. Now duck off!

Okayyyyyyy, here I am again. I have no notes, so will hash brown something together ...

1. She left!
2. She came back!
3. She made some food! Would you eat it? Not sure if I would.
4. She may have relapsed.
5. She had the ‘eye wets’.
6. She cut some butternut squash up really teeny tiny ... not sure if it was with the trusty bread knife.
7. She’s now live tweeting about the freshness of her eggs. Her devilled eggs.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

(repost cos I messed it up)

1. she has a hydra of a to-do list
2. most of the last thread was @Alansbigplate gifs

 

[Veronicaaa]

Sometimes I just think my life is a bit boring sometimes. You know, the same old thing day in day out, because that's life! Then I see things like this and I'm reminded that I'm actually doing alright. If I start talking about boiled eggs on social media then I know I've reached a low point.

Normal person: boils eggs for breakfast, as usual, no issue
Jack: OMG I'm about to boil some eggs! They might be rancid! Who's to know! I'm a food writer who writes about food uno! Will my eggs poison me??? Only time will tell!

 

[Tabitha D]

If you can stand the excitement, here’s the egg stuff. View attachment 269836View attachment 269839

I don’t know what’s the oddest thing about this egg business. That she tweets about it at all (I mean why? you don’t have to tweet every bloody boring thing you do, Jack), or that she apparently expects her devoted followers to be on tenterhooks about how the eggs will turn out.
Her SM really is a complete shitshow.

If you can stand the excitement, here’s the egg stuff. View attachment 269836View attachment 269839

Also, fancy having a fridge *so huge* that you can’t see what’s in it. Hence finding a “surprise egg”.

 

[ThisIsMyDragName]

I’m not following her, and I can’t keep up with these threads, but if she has lapsed and started drinking again then surely someone close to her, IRL, needs to reach out and actually support her?! Doing a bit of a chaos on Twitter is one thing. A lapse in your recovery along with concerns for mental health and well-being are quite something else.

And I mean this from a good place, not a horrid trolling place.

 

[instacharlie]

Normal person: boils eggs for breakfast, as usual, no issue
Jack: OMG I'm about to boil some eggs! They might be rancid! Who's to know! I'm a food writer who writes about food uno! Will my eggs poison me??? Only time will tell!

If only there was some old fashioned way of finding out if eggs were fresh or not, before you cook them?

 

[MancBee]

Also, fancy having a fridge *so huge* that you can’t see what’s in it. Hence finding a “surprise egg”.

The only things that get lost in my fridge are right at the back. Certainly not in the "very top door". How many doors does her fridge have?!!! Mine has a total of 1.

 

[Veronicaaa]

If only there was some old fashioned way of finding out if eggs were fresh or not, before you cook them?

Jack could cook eggs like everyone else or Jack could be like

 

[Tabitha D]

Devilled eggs are quite nice, but they’re one of those things where I don’t think the result justifies the effort. (See also: cloud eggs).

 

[Lanie]

The only things that get lost in my fridge are right at the back. Certainly not in the "very top door". How many doors does her fridge have !!! Mine has a total of 1.

If you must know it was in the door of her third fridge at the very top where she normally stores her caviar, alas she's a poor wee chick so she hasn't been in that part of the fridges.

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[chocolate choux]

Also, fancy having a fridge *so huge* that you can’t see what’s in it. Hence finding a “surprise egg”.

Like a really tit autumnal Easter egg hunt

 

[Pixieboots]

What's with her current weird fish obsession anyway?

 

[Geetbo]

View attachment 269869View attachment 269871View attachment 269873View attachment 269874

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Why are they served on 2 different plates?

 

[Veronicaaa]

If you must know it was in the door of her third fridge at the very top where she normally stores her caviar, alas she's a poor wee chick so she hasn't been in that part of the fridges.

Yeah her 3 month old eggs got lost amongst her Ocado deliveries. Wondering how this slots in to her poverty narrative where every single egg counts and you don't just forget about them because they're hiding at the back of your massive Smeg fridge freezer.

 

[Geetbo]

And obv she knows more than cooking icon Delia. WHAT AN UTTER twit.