Jack Monroe #77 Further into the depths of culinary depravity

[lilamay]

Why does JM makes every recipe 10x harder than it needs to be? That “sausagne”... I mean, WTF is that? Why not just have a sausage tomato-based pasta with cheese grated on top? BBC Good Food have a really nice sausage pasta that we occasionally have midweek. You cut up the sausages, fry them, make a basic tomato & chilli pasta sauce, cook pasta. Add together. Done. Not a blender in sight and it actually has texture.

 

[lilamay]

Omg fraus, what have I just found? Under this old Guardian recipe of hers, Jack spotted someone making critical (but correct) comments and replied! Have you ever seen the likes of it?

And again on this recipe:

Oh and again here!

Blimey sorry didn't expect to find so much!

Also.. lol

Some things never change.

 

[Ninch55]

I'm afraid you're going about it all wrong, dear heart. You see, this actually sounds nice. My recipe is far more realistic:

1. Put frozen onion and garlic into a cold pan with worryingly cheap mince of whatever fat percentage you like and a tin of tomatoes or clamato juice - in fact, anything vaguely tomato-adjacent. Don't forget plenty of black pepper. Bring to a rapid boil and let it go for 3 hours while you witter about absolute nonsense on Twitter. Be sure to mention at least one ailment or blow a mild inconvenience up into a floridly described tragedy so you can reap the pity while the lasagne is in the oven.

2. Blend lard, plain flour and corn milk to make a white sauce of questionable origin.

3. Layer the meat slop in whatever dish you have to hand with pasta sheets and the cold, watery, starchy, briny, unctuous corn milk.

4. Bake at hot temperature until the white sauce thickens. It may be incinerated at this point. It probably doesn't matter. Post a tweet to let everybody know that SB hoofed down multiple servings and declared it the most bestest lasagne EVER. Don't even pretend to do the washing up, we've seen the state of your kitchen.

Utter genius

 

[MarmiteExtract]

Omg fraus, what have I just found? Under this old Guardian recipe of hers, Jack spotted someone making critical (but correct) comments and replied! Have you ever seen the likes of it?

View attachment 253082
And again on this recipe:

View attachment 253090

Oh and again here!

View attachment 253094

View attachment 253096
Blimey sorry didn't expect to find so much!

View attachment 253097


Also.. lol

View attachment 253089

Some things never change.

Dear me, how pathetic. Also, aren’t Guardian comments moderated? The mods must have had a good laugh as they approved comment after comment. I’m embarrassed for her

 

[Harrybosch]

View attachment 252951
It remains not funny. Imo, obvs.

That's why I'm sure it's not a Hausfrau and find it likely it's dear Jackie herself.

 

[JoyceDivision]

Her kitchen doesn’t look destroyed after lasagne making...

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Not sure why but "neither a cabbage nor a pea" has me hooting! Cheeky mare. Those commenters have her sussed down to a T. And she's STILL stealing a living from this tit!

 

[Harrybosch]

Omg fraus, what have I just found? Under this old Guardian recipe of hers, Jack spotted someone making critical (but correct) comments and replied! Have you ever seen the likes of it?

View attachment 253082
And again on this recipe:

View attachment 253090

Oh and again here!

View attachment 253094

View attachment 253096
Blimey sorry didn't expect to find so much!

View attachment 253097


Also.. lol

View attachment 253089

Some things never change.

Riso, not ris, is italian for rice, you eau de ninny!

 

[Malacandra]

Omg fraus, what have I just found? Under this old Guardian recipe of hers, Jack spotted someone making critical (but correct) comments and replied! Have you ever seen the likes of it?

View attachment 253082
And again on this recipe:

View attachment 253090

Oh and again here!

View attachment 253094

View attachment 253096
Blimey sorry didn't expect to find so much!

View attachment 253097


Also.. lol

View attachment 253089

Some things never change.

Once a spiteful she-devil, always a spiteful she-devil.

 

[Raker]

[

1 tin of tuna for 4?! How big is this tin?

That looks disgusting. She has got to be trolling now surely?

Why chuck all that veg in a dish when it’s not needed? One of the nicest comfort dishes I cook is pasta with tuna, tinned tomatoes (seasoned, I know...maverick) and black olives. It doesn’t need a load of random veg chucked in

Indeed! I still often make a tuna/tomato/basics cream cheese pasta dish from an Anabel Karmel Weaning your Toddler book that is delicious, cheap, nutritious and quick. And because my kids are no longer toddlers, and my husband is obviously fully grown, I would use 2 large tins of tuna to feed a real 4 people.

also, sorry to go on about the ads, but seriously....

I’m not sure I appreciate my potential court outfit being influenced in this manner

 

[lilamay]

Not sure why but "neither a cabbage nor a pea" has me hooting! Cheeky mare. Those commenters have her sussed down to a T. And she's STILL stealing a living from this tit!

For me it was 'I do do a good torta con Gorgonzola semi freddo with dessicated black olives and homemade grape jelly' - partly because whilst trying to sound clever she spells 'desiccated' wrong

 

[Oofadoofa]

Omg fraus, what have I just found? Under this old Guardian recipe of hers, Jack spotted someone making critical (but correct) comments and replied! Have you ever seen the likes of it?

View attachment 253082
And again on this recipe:

View attachment 253090

Oh and again here!

View attachment 253094

View attachment 253096
Blimey sorry didn't expect to find so much!

View attachment 253097


Also.. lol

View attachment 253089

Some things never change.

“I’m all for constructive criticism..” mid getting wound up by constructive criticism. She really is clueless on the self-awareness front, just completely oblivious.

 

[Malacandra]

Dear me, how pathetic. Also, aren’t Guardian comments moderated? The mods must have had a good laugh as they approved comment after comment. I’m embarrassed for her

I'm not

For me it was 'I do do a good torta con Gorgonzola semi freddo with dessicated black olives and homemade grape jelly' - partly because whilst trying to sound clever she spells 'desiccated' wrong

It's semifreddo you arrogant numpty.

 

[Raker]

How can making a lasagne be so difficult? Crap strewn across every surface? What the duck is she doing?

Faffing and scampering...

 

[Silver Linings]

I like freddos.

 

[lilamay]

It's semifreddo you arrogant numpty.

She doesn't seem to have a very good grasp of Italian food terms.

'Semi freddo' made me think of these

ETA: @Silver Linings Great minds

 

[MarmiteExtract]

For me it was 'I do do a good torta con Gorgonzola semi freddo with dessicated black olives and homemade grape jelly' - partly because whilst trying to sound clever she spells 'desiccated' wrong

Do we reckon the grape jelly turned out as successfully as the greengage jam?

 

[colouredlines]

If anyone wants the full collection of Jack comments: https://profile.theguardian.com/user/id/10074495?page=1

Our one-stop slop shop was as charming as ever in her Graun days, without a thankyou in sight.

 

[Ninch55]

If anyone wants the full collection of Jack comments: https://profile.theguardian.com/user/id/10074495?page=1

Our one-stop slop shop was as charming as ever in her Graun days, without a thankyou in sight.

Peanut butter and bacon “semi freddo”.

 

[FeelingGroovy]

Her massive over use of "unctuous" always makes me think of Father Tod Unctuous from Father Ted when Mrs Doyle is trying to guess the mysterious priest's name ..

FATHER SPODO KOMODO!