Jack Monroe #64 One hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one playing the piano

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Quoting myself like a tosser:

Must make amendment to the above, though. I do call my cat an ‘ungrateful little swine’ and a ‘thug’ and an ‘oaf’ sometimes for a laugh. Because my cat’s chubby and orange, so it’s homage to Uncle Monty and his cat in Withnail & I


You call your husband a furry little fucker?
Is he hirsute?

I go better than that.

His birthday is 3rd November.

I've worked in RC schools. Who don't generally have an issue with Hallowe'en as long as there's no attempts at summoning Beelzebub, but officially stopped calling it All Hallows' Eve in favour of the eve of All Saints' Day.

So we have;


November 1st - All Saints' Day
November 2nd - All Souls' Day
November 3rd - Our Souls' Day.

Which, if anybody remembers Derek & Clive (or speaks with a London accent), is pronounced [drum roll]


Arse'oles' Day.

[Badum-tish]



That is definitely one of my better ones.

 

[Dustye]

Fraus, I have a terrible confession to make. Many years ago, when I was but a fresh faced lesbian trying to make a name for myself as a hip young thing in the Big City, I owned and regularly wore a BOY London t shirt.

I think I bought it because I thought it was witty in a naff 'look how cool and androgynous I am' way.

I'll see myself out...

 

[Fairy dust munch]

Well, I've got a defective tabby wee furry git and a small ginger sheep that's very pretty, but thick as a barn door.

They're both utter knobs in their own way. As the fancy picnic hamper (£2 in a charity shop c.2002) that is used as an observation post/manicure bar (when the fluffy one isn't dispensing summary justice from the kitchen chair and therefore protecting the table leg from looking like a beaver has got to it) can testify. Particularly when I vacuum up the shredded bits every time I do the upstairs.

Remember - ACAB. All Cats Are Bastards.

Some are just better at hiding their sociopathy when it's the person who opens the tins.

I love and at one time had 5. Each had their own personality. Amazing animals x

 

[Pocahontas]

Fraus, I have a terrible confession to make. Many years ago, when I was but a fresh faced lesbian trying to make a name for myself as a hip young thing in the Big City, I owned and regularly wore a BOY London t shirt.

I think I bought it because I thought it was witty in a naff 'look how cool and androgynous I am' way.

I'll see myself out...

But!
Did you team it with a teething necklace, a flouro animal print bag and an insatiable Patreon account?
If the answer is no! Then of course you must stay!

 

[Montrachet]

Apologies to Pet Shop Boys fans, this has been fizzing around my head all day...

Some foods are better off squashed
There's a blender in my hand, food's about to get noshed
You think I'm mad too unstable
Washing all the beans and buying hammocks not tables
In a train station near Southend town
Called the police there's a fight going down
Tweet it all, delete it later
To a bin shop in a Westwood gown

In Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus

Too many followers, not enough blue ticks
Faces on cook books, too many receipts
If when why what how much can you donate
Need a new house can I get a Denby plate
If so, give some more
Which do you choose
A hard or soft boiled egg
(Used to lay them myself)

In a Southend town a Patreon world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
In a Southend town a Smeg chilled world
The Jackolytes and Tattle fraus
Tattle fraus...

The words to 'Opportunities' will hardly need changing.

I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks
My tipjar is always open even when I have plenty of work
I'm looking for a partner someone who gets things fixed
Ask yourself this question do you want to be rich.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
You can tell I'm educated I studied at Grammar, hun
Doctored in con artistry I could have been a don
I can programme a self-timer choose the perfect time
If you've got the inclination I have the crime.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
You can see I'm single-minded I know what I could be
How'd you feel about it come take a 20,000 step walk with me
I'm looking for a wealthy partner regardless of age
Think about it seriously because you know I get the rage.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money

 

[IndigoStar]

The words to 'Opportunities' will hardly need changing.

I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks
My tipjar is always open even when I have plenty of work
I'm looking for a partner someone who gets things fixed
Ask yourself this question do you want to be rich.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
You can tell I'm educated I studied at Grammar, hun
Doctored in con artistry I could have been a don
I can programme a self-timer choose the perfect time
If you've got the inclination I have the crime.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
You can see I'm single-minded I know what I could be
How'd you feel about it come take a 20,000 step walk with me
I'm looking for a wealthy partner regardless of age
Think about it seriously because you know I get the rage.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money

Superb!

 

[Dustye]

But!
Did you team it with a teething necklace, a flouro animal print bag and an insatiable Patreon account?
If the answer is no! Then of course you must stay!

No but I did give myself a terrible undercut and was then so embarrassed by it that I told people I'd fallen over, got glass in my head and a patch had to be shaved off to stitch it up. I truly was a proto-JM

 

[edinburghcastle]

These Pet Shop-Jackie mash-ups are cracking me up. All we need now are the lyrics to It's A Bin.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Will you lot all get out of my song lyrics and Moon Phase niches?

When I look back upon my wives (well, they would have been)
It's always with no sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every shop I've ever been
Everything I've ever blended, too
In the bin



At school they taught me how to be
Truthful in thought and word and deed
I didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every train I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a bin



Patreon, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you paid me, I didn't admit it
Tattle, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand



So I look back upon my life
Never with a sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every Cotswold I've ever had
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin

 

[Bookweevil]

Just Grunkered and I am as pent up as Chandler trying not to break a NY resolution.



Kitsch library-lounge
Scandi hotel-style bedroom
The bare bones basic witch that comprises a crappy bungalow.

Errant pigsty
Give the thesaurus a rest, Jack.

One of Jack’s CBS*’s was that the bin is ‘wide enough to be able to toss rubbish into across a room’. If she can hurl an empty hotdog jar, a BAFTA, a nutribullet, and the wriggling, tattered remains of a celebrity poverty campaigner career into a cereal box tucked down the side of the bed from across a capacious, crappy bungalow room, I will actually discover genuine respect for her and stop posting on Tattle.

*Crucial Bin Specifications

And breathe...

 

[Blurp]

She can't swim because of birthmarks? But...last week she couldn't swim because she's a physiological marvel who LITERALLY sinks, no?

Yet she's been busy showing off her legs in the thot shots. Front on the sideboard shots, arse and rear of legs in the garden.

She needs to post these genius ideas to British Goop on Instagram. Comedy gold.
View attachment 223888

One of my favourite Insta accounts, that.

 

[Pigman]

Will you lot all get out of my song lyrics and Moon Phase niches?

When I look back upon my wives (well, they would have been)
It's always with no sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every shop I've ever been
Everything I've ever blended, too
In the bin



At school they taught me how to be
Truthful in thought and word and deed
I didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every train I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a bin



Patreon, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you paid me, I didn't admit it
Tattle, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand



So I look back upon my life
Never with a sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every Cotswold I've ever had
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin

trying to explain these works of genius to my family is almost as absurd as she is. I think I will have to be content in chuckling along inside my head! Bravo all of you clever wordsmiths!

Just Grunkered and I am as pent up as Chandler trying not to break a NY resolution.



Kitsch library-lounge
Scandi hotel-style bedroom
The bare bones basic witch that comprises a crappy bungalow.

View attachment 224151
Errant pigsty
Give the thesaurus a rest, Jack.

One of Jack’s CBS*’s was that the bin is ‘wide enough to be able to toss rubbish into across a room’. If she can hurl an empty hotdog jar, a BAFTA, a nutribullet, and the wriggling, tattered remains of a celebrity poverty campaigner career into a cereal box tucked down the side of the bed from across a capacious, crappy bungalow room, I will actually discover genuine respect for her and stop posting on Tattle.

*Crucial Bin Specifications

And breathe...

Pigs are actually very tidy, my favourite one told me off for giving her parsnips by lining them up dead centre down her paddock.

 

[edinburghcastle]

Did anyone notice this? She treating 'Potatoes' like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

 

[Captainmouse]

I think I have mackie fatigue I joined late, during the DW debacle, I didn’t have a clue who she was really, but had heard the name mentioned in connection with KH. I had no knowledge of her back story, so decided to grunka

O M G. the JM pile on DKL GM were all awful, but the Hellman’s, I am gobsmacked, I just don’t have any words. She is shameless, morally bankrupt. And to be polite a charlatan. I cannot believe these people are allowed to operate, and who in their right mind actually hires them?

i think I need a lie down

 

[SendGinAndCake]

Pocahontas, I want to thank you personally for introducing this account to the thread. I've just had a scroll through and have been HOOTING

Babe, same!

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

Please dear hearts, for the love of god, tell me where these port wine birthmarks are? Even with surgery there must be some either scarring or discolouration left over?! Surely??

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

View attachment 223853

This right there highlights her laziness. She is such a couch potato that she has to have a manky bin down the side of the sofa and or bed. Also referring to her son as a small child in an earlier tweet when in fact at 10 years old a child is no longer small in size or mentality. She just says that to milk her 'single mum's status for all it's worth.

 

[Veronicaaa]

This right there highlights her laziness. She is such a couch potato that she has to have a maky bin down the side of the sofa and or bed.

This is what was confusing me earlier. Granted, I don't have a many-roomed 2 level house but how much rubbish can one person possibly generate that they need a bin in every room? If I've made a mess in the living room, I simply transfer it to the kitchen bin, rather than leaving it there for days on end?

 

[Captainmouse]

@heretoreaditall2019 I think you need to supply your blm resources to SV she really needs your help.

 

[Pigman]

This is what was confusing me earlier. Granted, I don't have a many-roomed 2 level house but how much rubbish can one person possibly generate that they need a bin in every room? If I've made a mess in the living room, I simply transfer it to the kitchen bin, rather than leaving it there for days on end?

But are you BUSY with telly and book shoots?