Jack Monroe #63 I tend to move in circles of cookery and politics rather than outrage and vitriol

[Lanie]

Shit, really?!

Don't be absurd it was gifted to her from a friend's cousins boyfriends aunties husband's sister's dog.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

In the least vicious way possible, what's that hat like. Who wears a hat like that to dinner. I'm positively hooting

Also just wondering how shes got the ability to travel 40 miles for two dinner dates but can never go for a run because she has a 10 year old (???)

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[IndigoStar]

Jack judges folk by their Harvester salad choices.

I judge folk by their thundercunt narcissistic pathological lying fraudulent pan handling finger nails of the devil choices.

 

[Grizzlybear]

what happened? Eamonns cousin kick off?Gone now? Baffling!

Probs gone to get a ham out of the freezer.
A) nothing there which couldn’t be found with a cursory google of Eamonn Holmes
B) completely unnecessary and disgusting to bring up the tragedy involving that young boy
C) nobody, and I mean nobody, refers to UTV as “Ulster Television”

ETA:<insert “the drama mick, I just love it” gif>

 

[Pocahontas]

View attachment 220575Not her DEAD grandpa?

‘No, I don’t want the unlimited refills because my grandfather is DEAD.’

 

[FrumpyCat]

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Here's a handy tip for all you adhd folks. Avoid losing stuff by putting in a bag that you carry round with you.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

One person says salad bars are gross and she's all *I cAnT eVeN pOsT aBoUt SaLaD wItHoUt PeOpLe JuMpInG oN tHeIr SoApBoX* says the woman whose shoes are practically two boxes of Daz! She can't bear it when someone doesn't think her opinion is the be all and end all. Fucking ell mate it's Sunday afternoon put on a film or something

 

[Alansbigplate]

I love the cabal usernames the best, @BlendedSlop is inspired I also noticed @I’MBUSY! the other day joining the legendary @Badlyplatedflapjacks & @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon of course. Those and the daft jokes like ruby rose harissa and screenshots of lingreenie un-boiled spaghetti I mean *chef’s kiss*

 

[HarderFaster]

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Oh, this has tipped me over the edge. All of my working life has been spent as a musician, or working in arts institutions, or researching artists and austerity. Jack is neither an artist, nor working class, nor interested in any form of art which doesn't amplify her own voice.

From research I actively worked on (!) the average artist earns £10,000 per year. TEN. THOUSAND. POUNDS. It's a hard, hard life. Every single artist I have ever interviewed either had to rely on rich partners/parents, or worked countless other, precarious jobs to make ends meet and facilitate their creative work. The latter group all lived in shared housing, or indeed sometimes just had to live illegally in their studio spaces. A shitty non-bungalow next to the seaside and a tennis court is a complete pipe dream unless they abandon the work they love for a 9-5.

Jack has managed to spunk through the median artist salary in luxuries alone in just over a year. She creates absolutely nothing of value: everything she writes, cooks, tweets and photographs is derivative and bland. Yet she has everything a normal person could ever want, in material terms.

It's totally laughable that she would even dare to put herself in the bracket of artist. At best, she is a media "personality", and a shit one at that.

 

[JoyceDivision]

At least she’s bringing out some intelligent debate on Harvester meals tonight from the general public. Basically the Jackolytes are just as boring and basic as she is.

View attachment 220798

I am FIZZING thinking about Jack, sat wide eyed darting her eyes from the Samsung on the left to the Apple on the right for notifications. One arm draped over the back of her sofa, the other furiously pressing refresh for more notifications.
AND THEN...
What she’s been waiting for all night, someone saying the salad bar is manky and she can go to town on this one. The arm moves from the back of the sofa, she sits upright, a manic grin explodes....there is only one thing in the world that is better than a Twitter spat. The selfie light and lipstick comes out. It’s time guys.

Thread #64:She’s got one hand refreshing Twitter, and the other is playing the piano

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @ClarenceBeakes on your first thread title! 61 reactions well done!


Recap of thread #62


Non-edible flowers on cakes? Get outta town, says Jack.

Jackie the cleaning lady has been to town and offered inspired cleaning hacks that include mopping floors with boiling water and cleaning microwaves with vinegar.


She bemoaned her lack of inspiration on what to screen-word with her hand-sausages, proclaiming that not even posting a flattering selfie would cut the mustard. However, the next night, she got wiggy with it and posted some ‘dopamine boost’ selfies. They have since been deleted.

She likes to belt out a bit of Lulu and is a dab hand at Celine Dion - perhaps she’ll accompany herself one day on the piano.

She’s been shredding on her water rower and she feels strong.

Last additions: It seems she was Ruby Rose’s stand-in for a music video appearance.

The ‘shitty bungalow’ may not be either (a) a bungalow or (b) shitty, after all.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.

For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

Also:

• She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[Veronicaaa]

You guys crack me up, I can't believe you triangulated a hammock

 

[Heron1267]

Sorry guys, I know I am being all panicky but I don't like being out under threat without the source actually saying it to my face. It's unfair as we do not threaten her. Anything I have said about her as been in jest to what she puts on her own page. I do not mean for her to read it not anyone else to take it for gospel. She's made me go cross!

I know we jest about the court appearance lots over the last 500 threads but I am more than happy to stand in front of a judge and say ‘I stand by the assertion that JM is lower middle class and you don’t need to put a tin of tomatoes into a tin of tomato soup to make tomato soup’.

Not sure work would give me the time off for it though.

 

[Pocahontas]

Maybe I’m being well thick but I never really understood JM using ‘my grandad is dead’ as a comeback to EC pointing out he was a landlord - although I haven’t actually seen the clip itself because she annoys me too much on camera. Firstly because being dead doesn’t mean he wasn’t a landlord when he was alive and secondly surely that makes her more likely to have inherited wealth? He isn’t pissing his takings all up the wall from beyond the grave is he?

can someone explain this plz? Where’s the logic?

I think she just blurted it out as a conversation stopper to try and shut down Edwina Currie’s line of attack. Like, don’t you dare bring up the fact my grandfather owned property while I’m on this panel talking about my literal poverty! How dare you discredit my impoverished backstory! My grandfather is DEAD!

it’s also the way she said it so dramatically, with half-blazing eyes like a character in Dynasty, made me HOOT.

 

[Veronicaaa]

The basis of this latest lie is simply that Ruby Rose (IMDb) had appeared in 'Orange Is The New Black' prior to this video, and only in Jack's mind had she "stood in" for this person when they had no involvement.

Ahhhh, I see! So because part of the video is obviously inspired by OITNB, Jack has made up in her head that she's the 'stand in' for the programme's most beautiful actress. Yes yes, that makes sense! Jack sense, at any rate!

 

[BlendedSlop]

Whoever uploaded the Edwina Currie clip cut out the best bit - Jack screaming "WE'RE HARDLY THE FUCKING JOHNSONS" in response to Edwina bringing up her comfortably middle-class upbringing. Cue Rachel Johnson squirming awkwardly next to her.

(First post! Have been Grunka-ing and dying to join in for weeks!)

 

[MancBee]

And after all of the begging recently, what a cretin.


She seemingly has so much that she has to find elaborate ways to spend it. It’s shocking that it’s still so shocking.

Let's be fair to the old girl, she hasn't made a luxury purchase in over a week. Aren't poor people allowed small luxuries now and again?
Thankyou.
Shall I
NOW FUCK OFF?

 

[Emmapism]

Also Jack, as someone who actually works in TV (I'm sorry I don't have your experience in 500 other job roles) that bag is too damn small to be in any way useful to anyone.

Yet again you haven't a fucking clue what you're talking about but because you've had a camera shoved in your face a couple of times you love to act like you do.

Take a seat you shark eyed fantasist.

 

[Pocahontas]

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See she’s unconsciously flexing in a ballet pose there.

Once a dancer, always a dancer, that’s all I have to say.