Jack Monroe #445 A criminal, liar, fraud, grifter and all round heartless asshole

[That Forensic Man]

I come to you at 4.20am gobsmacked dear hearts
In this Grifty Kitchen preview (from Google books) she bangs on about forensically analysing different muesli ingredients BUT ADMITS BETWEEN SPRING 2022 AND NOW IT'S OBSOLETE !! If it's wrong tough tit figure it out! She put in a last minute revision to essentially prove there is no VBI !!
This is my aneurysm Jack you bleeping idiot

HOMEMADE MUESLI (Ve)

I did a lot of very nerdy, mathematical research for this recipe, because I wanted to recreate the best possible muesli for the lowest possible price. This included forensically dissecting both the cheapest supermarket brand and the most expensive high-street version, then noting down what their components were and in what quantities they appeared. I then scoured the shops looking for the cheapest versions of each of the ingredients, sorting them into their essential categories: oats, nuts or seeds, and dried fruits. Once I'd identified the cheapest items from each category, I fiddled with the quantities until I had a muesli that I was happy with. And then I realized that in the year that yawns between handing in my book manuscript to my publisher and it hitting the shelves, the prices of all of these ingredients are very likely to have changed, making my endeavour almost obsolete. But no matter, at the very least this muesli recipe exists as a snapshot into what the cheapest combination of these ingredients were in the spring of 2022, and I'm rather happy with it. Should any of the components skyrocket in price by the time you hold this book in your hands, do feel free to swap it out for something cheaper! On this note, I use salted nuts from the 'snack' section of the supermarket, as they are far cheaper than those in the fruit and veg or baking aisles, and simply soak them in cold water for an hour and pat them dry thoroughly before using. They do retain a little salty background hit, but I have to say, I rather enjoy that.

Thrifty Kitchen

'Jack Monroe is a force for good in the world.' – Nigella LawsonThrifty Kitchen is Jack Monroe’s bumper collection of over 120 brand-new, delicious, low-cost recipes, plus household tricks guaranteed to save you money.Number-one bestselling author and campaigner, Jack is one of the UK’s...

books.google.co.uk

PRICK

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Dear heart, another Frau mentioned RoSPA who might be more appropriate for accident prevention

RoSPA – The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents - RoSPA

We work tirelessly on the prevention of accidents focussing on home safety, health and safety courses, road safety and workplace health and safety. Through our training courses, membership and consultancy activities RoSPA strives to achieve its vision of life free from serious accidental injury.

www.rospa.com

Yes, let’s add it to the list I’ve just made up. We also need to report re. COSHH and RIDDOR.

We laugh, but a union supporter like Jack should know this stuff.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Yes, let’s add it to the list I’ve just made up. We also need to report re. COSHH and RIDDOR.

We laugh, but a union supporter like Jack should know this stuff.

Slight crossover with Essex fire officer safety I reckon, too.

soak salted nuts for an hour then pat dry!? An hour!

 

[That Forensic Man]

I've posted 6 full Grifty Kitchen recipes over on the slopalong thread if anyone wants to have a crack.
@VeniVidiVicki is attempting the courgette and cheese soda bread, see if you can spot the two huge errors in the recipe!
Being riddled with errors and terrible instructions/method is normal, Jack's learned nothing it's the same old drivel, just this time physically dangerous.
Go well be safe, pals x

Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

That sounds like a recipe for a delicious curry. Probably a higher calorie and nutrient content than any of her food too.

tattle.life

 

[ChickenPorridge]

I'm shaking with silent laughter and can't wait to see the rest of the book. So far it's all looking like the black & white part of a JML ad - where basic household tasks look incredibly dangerous and challenging, before having all the problems solved by the new JML gadget. Except there's no solution coming, just more dismal and dangerous 'tips'. Amazing.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Thanks to the aptly-named Forensic Man, I can confirm that Jack is again attempting to kill a man by putting stuffing in a soup. Behold, this recipe for Sloup
Bonus points for her wanging on again about frigging pappa al pomodoro. Stop trying to make pappa al pomodoro happen!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Slight crossover with Essex fire officer safety I reckon, too.

soak salted nuts for an hour then pat dry!? An hour!

Well exactly! My workplace responsibilities have never gone beyond “assistant”, but by the time I was Jack’s age even I knew a lot of this stuff. Why doesn’t she?! Her ex colleagues must be so ashamed.

We laugh, and it is funny, but omg. Of all the the dramas coming out of Thrifty Kitchen, I really didn’t expect SO many heath and safety violations.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Does Kim and Aggie do Cameo or similar? We can easy raise £500 to pay one of them to do a 15 sec clip saying re-using frylight containers can easily cause botulism

 

[Yer_wha?!]

Yes, let’s add it to the list I’ve just made up. We also need to report re. COSHH and RIDDOR.

We laugh, but a union supporter like Jack should know this stuff.

My Girl Guides "accident prevention" badge is rattling in a childhood memory box somewhere in the loft as I type

 

[MaineCoonMama]

If you have egg rings but no eggs the rings can be set on fire and used as miniature hoops for your Matchbox cars.
One of my brothers did this and my mum kicked his arse from here to Kingdom Come.
The 70s were a great decade for useless kitchen implements like the onion holder the same brother used to used as a comb for his curly hair.
#goodtimes

 

[HotesTilaire]

How much would it cost to get Hugh Dennis on Cameo, dressed as Lynn Faulds-Wood to do the “and that could be…a potential death trap, Jack!” as a clip. We could tweet it to everyone trying to shill Grifty Kitchen. Reclaim the pass-agg tweeting from Jack.

 

[That Forensic Man]

Slight crossover with Essex fire officer safety I reckon, too.

soak salted nuts for an hour then pat dry!? An hour!

There's a fire safety section in the wiki page 2

Jack Monroe 2 Wiki

If you're here and you are new to Jack, please go to [URL='https://tattle.life/wiki/jack-monroe/']Wiki 1[/URL], where we have lots of info at the top for new frauen / herren. is dedicated to Jack's antics in 2022 and notable chaoi 2012-2021. For more detail on these, see the timeline on wiki...

tattle.life

Also @Anyfulekno made a food safety list in the slopalong but it didn't go in the wiki yet, I've added some more below

Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

I want slut spaghetti to go with my slapper semolina now. Also who the duck is leaving Nigella for that braying horse Trinny Charles Saatchi the abusive domestic abuser Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go Peanut butter hot chocolate...

tattle.life

• Letting rice sit on the side for ages instead of cooling quickly - allows lots of Bacillus cereus bacteria to grow and give you the shits/food poisoning peanut milk rice pudding
• frying tinned potatoes - they can explode due to the water content hot nicoise
• storing/infusing herbs in oil - risk of botulism Whoa F*ck Dressing
• Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could duck up your microwave microwave ripening fruits
• sprout scones because cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions they are bleeping raw
• NEW says to use tuna tins as egg rings despite the risk of razor sharp edges, metal filings debris and the plastic coated lining not being suitable for cooking (releases toxins) Link
• NEW says to reuse single use plastics e.g. squash bottles and oil spray bottles despite there being no effective way to sterilise them or remove all traces of rancid oil (botulism risk)
• NEW says to use a knife and hammer to open cans instead of using a can opener (extremely danger)

I have to say the tuna tin egg ring one should be the end of any credibility she had left, that one alone is such a monumental duck up it's almost unbelievable

 

[jenny2603]

I come to you at 4.20am gobsmacked dear hearts
In this Grifty Kitchen preview (from Google books) she bangs on about forensically analysing different muesli ingredients BUT ADMITS BETWEEN SPRING 2022 AND NOW IT'S OBSOLETE !! If it's wrong tough tit figure it out! She put in a last minute revision to essentially prove there is no VBI !!
This is my aneurysm Jack you bleeping idiot

Thrifty Kitchen

'Jack Monroe is a force for good in the world.' – Nigella LawsonThrifty Kitchen is Jack Monroe’s bumper collection of over 120 brand-new, delicious, low-cost recipes, plus household tricks guaranteed to save you money.Number-one bestselling author and campaigner, Jack is one of the UK’s...

books.google.co.uk

PRICK

Salted peanut muesli! This is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

[That Forensic Man]

Salted peanut muesli! This is the gift that keeps on giving.

LJC is out
SPM is in

5.07 AM?

ETA got confused because she'd already used that line

What in the SPM is a 'grizzle'

 

[jenny2603]

LJC is out
SPM is in

5.07 AM?

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ETA got confused because she'd already used that line

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What in the SPM is a 'grizzle'

She was at home by herself. There is no massive group of friends. I'm guessing the 5am tweet was scheduled to make it look as if she was just getting in from a night on the diluting juice with her mates who 100% exist and there are loads of them. Only big narcy Jack got overexcited and announced her return home hours ago because she is very, very stupid.

ETA: Jack can you just do the #TROLLCLAIMS or something because this is really embarrassing for all of us.

 

[Jelly Bean]

What in the SPM is a 'grizzle'

Not sure. But it makes me feel a bit queasy to think of something of Jack's peeking out from under it

 

[That Forensic Man]

Morning Jack
She's not even tagged in this reply so the "leave me alone" is a bit fuckin rich

Good luck squig

 

[Jelly Bean]

Morning Jack
She's not even tagged in this reply so the "leave me alone" is a bit fuckin rich

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Good luck squig

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She is so tricksy. In HH2 which she cites here as saying she isn't poor, she wangs on about no shampoo and using solar lights.
With PayPal details attached
Can she begin to grasp why people might be confused?

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

This reads like her attempt at a Here, My Dear. The deliberate inaccessibility of the text for Neurodiverse readers is more calculated than the customary refusal to use legible text on insta posts or Alt Text on anything. (One of my many roles has been to create learning resources and legal information for people who aren't necessarily highly literate, NT or who have a spiky profile on raw ability assessments, so I have frequently had to look at utter guff from people paid too much money and identify all the barriers they have put into their text and then rectify matters).

Apart from the colours being difficult to read for many, the way they're spread over the lines and different poorly differentiated colours for some inexplicable reason (to be a bleep to people, I guess) means what a lot of people will glean from that is

Big heavy kitchen scissors
Measuring jug
Grater
Teatowels
Freezer
storage Per- (Rialto?)
Medium (Derek Acorah or Doris Stokes?)
Huge non- (Sister Felicite spuurtbustler or Sister Cecilia Wangbucklefiddlesticks of the Blessed Lady of Direspuduella? Oh. non. Not nun. And we really shouldn't be bodyshaming women religious whether they have taken solemn vows or simple)
Couple of roasting (roasting what? Chestnuts on an open fire? Conkers because all chestnuts are interchangeable?)
Jars

Knife sharpener (what for? Didn't see a knife in the first list - because it's been made to recede into the background)
Metal serving spoon

Griddle pan
excellent for pancakes (WHAT? What is excellent for pancakes? The griddle pan?)
Small bullet blender, or powerful jug (THE PUNCTUATION SUCKS. And what is a powerful jug?)
Masher Cake Tin (What? What's a masher cake tin? Do they sell them in the 99p shop? Is there a recipe for Masher cake in this pamphlet?)
Casse- (Is this misspelled German now?)
Extra knives (Extra in what sense? As in Zombie hunters? Butter knives? Pen knives like the one she reckons she walks around London carrying?)


Small veg chopper (Already spunked seventy quid on a bullet blender on her say so. But don't have a kitchen knife, so maybe that's how you slice onions, by putting them whole and unpeeled into the small veg chopper?)
Several food-safe spray bottles (What the duck are they? Are they in the pound shop as well? What colours do they come in - and shouldn't be some recipes before they start being sprayed?)
Electric Whisk Digital (have we gone on to What Three Words locations now? Because that's in the arctic end of Norway)
Spatu- (Wasn't that one of the things that was said to Gort in the original The Day The Earth Stood Still?)
la/fish slice (Yes, it was - 'Gort! Spatu - lafish slice, spatu - lafish slice')
Slow cooker.

 

[BurgerLaBill]

I come to you at 4.20am gobsmacked dear hearts
In this Grifty Kitchen preview (from Google books) she bangs on about forensically analysing different muesli ingredients BUT ADMITS BETWEEN SPRING 2022 AND NOW IT'S OBSOLETE !! If it's wrong tough tit figure it out! She put in a last minute revision to essentially prove there is no VBI !!
This is my aneurysm Jack you bleeping idiot

Thrifty Kitchen

'Jack Monroe is a force for good in the world.' – Nigella LawsonThrifty Kitchen is Jack Monroe’s bumper collection of over 120 brand-new, delicious, low-cost recipes, plus household tricks guaranteed to save you money.Number-one bestselling author and campaigner, Jack is one of the UK’s...

books.google.co.uk

PRICK

"Salty background hit" - that could be one of Jack's personae.