Jack Monroe #431 Close your begs, woman!

[That Forensic Man]

Is anyone planning to pre-order/buy Grifty Kitchen? There's a few things in it I want to see now that probably makes it worth a punt at half price, we could have a communal canal copy.
Despite that being 20p in Jack's pocket I've got a way to make up for it via the slopathon, so no worries there.

@MrsFawlty I don't even know what a tortoise is

 

[NellieBoo]

And yet not a single soul at the Guardian went 'hang on a minute, this is clearly bollocks'. Gullible twats.

It's utter bollocks and makes me very angry.

Spoiler: TW Alcohol

I've worked with and do work with people who are on that sort of amount when they are on a taper for detox. For context it's about 500ml/750ml of whiskey a day. It's irresponsible to suggest that long term consumption at that level can just be stopped without serious immediate consequences. It's irresponsible to suggest that just stopping drinking 200+ units a week can be done just like that and you'll be fine. The people I work with are exhausted, broken and have got themselves into some really difficult and chaotic situations. They most certainly aren't living their best life after a week.

 

[Hold my beans]

Has she ever talked about long term effects of drinking 200 units a week? Other than looking like a cross between Rose West and Benny from Crossroads?

 

[That Forensic Man]

Sorry if I've missed it but which Jack is this 'do'?

£189 ipod classic

Is "£29 from Prowler" on the inventory...?

It is now, chapeau cha-pow!

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Hello! Been lurking for a while but first time poster. Can someone explain to me who Harold is? It’s been really bugging me!

He also 1. Wears hats like hers and they used to have fun counting them

2. Has mugs and crockery like hers which means they’re “as good as married”

3. Has to stay with her til next spring cos she put him in her new book acknowledgements, which he “took quite well”

Spoiler: blurstoftimes glorious Harold post

4. Dumped her stupid ass 3 weeks after she posted 3. above in “a bolt from the blue after a lovely weekend away”. No idea what went wrong. Such a curve ball!

Oh PS he also has parents that she made

Spoiler: THIS FOR

(thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Boyo @blurstoftimes and @Sideboard Bob for the screenies)

 

[MancBee]

Is "£29 from Prowler" on the inventory...?

Well she has a drawer full of them, so multiply by the number you'd get in a bedside drawer... could be as many as 10, so £290. Though she wasn't specific about it being a bedside drawer, it could be anywhere in the crappy bungalow.

Perhaps they are in one of those sideboard drawers that she leaves slightly ajar. So that any prospective OHs might catch a glimps and get horny. (I feel even worse now)

 

[Cookiecookie]

Don't forget, dearheart, that although Jack doesn't know where she's going/doesn't know if she's got the property/will know 'soon'/in a few weeks. She does know that it has a bigger kitchen than the current hovel and has a door onto a courtyard/garden .

And room for 16 bookcases joined together as one...

I cannot anything. Tbh, I struggle to find my own house on Google maps, and I'm definitely not someone you ever want to ask for directions though!

 

[Brian Butterfield]

I totally get you. 100%.
i *despise* crowdfunders.
I laughed aloud; multiple times, at a comment on the sad lady’s page which said along the lines of ‘there’s something that’s a bit off about all of this and I don’t just mean the husbands legs’

Pretty sure that was Jack trolling her.

Account now deleted of course.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Well she has a drawer full of them, so multiply by the number you'd get in a bedside drawer... could be as many as 10, so £290. Though she wasn't specific about it being a bedside drawer, it could be anywhere in the crappy bungalow. Perhaps they are in one of those sideboard drawers that she leaves slightly ajar. So that any prospective OHs might catch a glimps and get horny. (I feel even worse now)

Jack’s poor agent Lynne Rosemary coming round when she’s trying to lure a new OH with drawer “cocqueaaaage”

Spoiler

 

[SusieTCones]

Nice white walled kitchen there.

It was ONE stripe of aubergine, ONE!!

LET JACK LIVE, WHY DONT YOU?

 

[Pavlova]

I can just see her as the Artful Dodger, accent and all

Oooo, why did Fagin and Pick a pocket or two come to mind? Perfect for our Jacksie!

In this life, one thing counts,
patreon, in large amounts.
I'm afraid these accounts don't come for free...

You've got to grift a squigg or two, huns, you gotta grift a squigg or two.

Jack Monroe, what a crook,
Didn't refund, what she took...
Charities fine, subscribe to mine, you gotta pick a pocket or two huns. You gotta grift a pocket or two..

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Oh PS he also has parents that she made

Spoiler: THIS FOR

View attachment 1750131

So Harold's parents either came out of her fanny or have been in it. Those are the only people she makes cakes for

 

[Hold my beans]

He also 1. Wears hats like hers and they used to have fun counting them
View attachment 1750114View attachment 1750115

2. Has mugs and crockery like hers which means they’re “as good as married”
View attachment 1749998
3. Has to stay with her til next spring cos she put him in her new book acknowledgements, which he “took quite well”
View attachment 1750014View attachment 1750015

Spoiler: blurstoftimes glorious Harold post

View attachment 1750024

4. Dumped her stupid ass 3 weeks after she posted 3. above in “a bolt from the blue after a lovely weekend away”. No idea what went wrong. Such a curve ball!
View attachment 1750017
Oh PS he also has parents that she made

Spoiler: THIS FOR

View attachment 1750131

(thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Boyo @blurstoftimes and @Sideboard Bob for the screenies)

What are the chances that whatever crockery he bought she'd have matching

 

[NellieBoo]

And room for 16 bookcases joined together as one...

I cannot anything. Tbh, I struggle to find my own house on Google maps, and I'm definitely not someone you ever want to ask for directions though!

And the bank of yellow American High School style lockers. Every smol one bed flat needs those.

I can't anything either. Without specific names etc . Jack overshares enough though so it's all good . I do have a surprisingly good sense of direction though!

 

[CarmenGhia]

Direct report Jack would be utterly unsufferable, other than the fact that she would be absent a lot and you wouldn't have to hear her whiny horrible voice too often.

 

[MM85]

View attachment 1749872

Kitchen IMPoster

 

[jenny2603]

He also 1. Wears hats like hers and they used to have fun counting them
View attachment 1750114View attachment 1750115

2. Has mugs and crockery like hers which means they’re “as good as married”
View attachment 1749998
3. Has to stay with her til next spring cos she put him in her new book acknowledgements, which he “took quite well”
View attachment 1750014View attachment 1750015

Spoiler: blurstoftimes glorious Harold post

View attachment 1750024

4. Dumped her stupid ass 3 weeks after she posted 3. above in “a bolt from the blue after a lovely weekend away”. No idea what went wrong. Such a curve ball!
View attachment 1750017
Oh PS he also has parents that she made

Spoiler: THIS FOR

View attachment 1750131

(thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Boyo @blurstoftimes and @Sideboard Bob for the screenies)

Jack being dumped, never gets old.

 

[Amanda Lin]

Slop pimp

 

[NellieBoo]

He also 1. Wears hats like hers and they used to have fun counting them
View attachment 1750114View attachment 1750115

2. Has mugs and crockery like hers which means they’re “as good as married”
View attachment 1749998
3. Has to stay with her til next spring cos she put him in her new book acknowledgements, which he “took quite well”
View attachment 1750014View attachment 1750015

Spoiler: blurstoftimes glorious Harold post

View attachment 1750024

4. Dumped her stupid ass 3 weeks after she posted 3. above in “a bolt from the blue after a lovely weekend away”. No idea what went wrong. Such a curve ball!
View attachment 1750017
Oh PS he also has parents that she made

Spoiler: THIS FOR

View attachment 1750131

(thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Boyo @blurstoftimes and @Sideboard Bob for the screenies)

My theory on Dordrecht is Jack and Harold 'discussed' the book acknowledgement while they were there, Jack pushed it in her weird way and he ran for the hills. Because that is bunny boiler type stuff unless you've discussed it beforehand.

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

Is "£29 from Prowler" on the inventory...?

I swear to any deity you choose that I read that as “£29 from Growler”.