Jack Monroe #396 She’s gonna break her spine if she pats herself on the back any harder

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So speaking as someone who’s been prone to contracting laryngitis(actual confirmed) the last few years every time they get a common cold, Jack’s ‘singing’ voice, length of time she reckons she had it and the fact she managed to be able to speak the whole time just with a ‘sexy’ husky voice is where she gives away her lie. I’m not saying it’s making me “smell a rat” or anything like that, because we all know it’s just more of her pointless, ridiculous lies. Also yes laryngitis isn’t contagious, but you tend to get it from a cold for example and that is. Every time I get it I can’t speak for days except for this painfully forced, back of the throat whisper. You lose your voice it doesn’t just go a bit husky and croaky like a standard sore throat.

She likely wasn’t even ill, but definitely didn’t have laryngitis and has likely never had it, because she can’t even semi convincingly lie about it.

How cringingly pathetic do you have to be to invent an illness you don’t have to give yourself an excuse to sing and humble brag about your awful voice that you so clearly think is great. And now apparently she’s “dusting off a guitar” 😂 but you don’t think you can sing Jack? She is the most narcissistic narcissist that ever lived.
 
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Here are the lyrics as I understand them:

We gas, some rough/
Hiding the wheel/
With your arms around your sweet one and the Ozone Bill/
Barrier down the boulevard/
Looking for a hard-on on a Saturday night/
It’s the crack of the pool boys/
NEON BUZZARD!!!!!!/
Telephone’s a-ringin’ its your, second cursing/
The bar man is smiling at the corner of her eye/
Magic and a melancholy tear in her eye/
Makes a cowpat quiver/
Driving a core cos you’re dreaming onion Saturdays that came before/
And now you’re stumbling, you’re stumbling under the hard-on of a Saturday.... nightttt/
 
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Screenshot_20220916_155037.jpg


1.Can't keep track of own valuables
2. Has a hoard of confidential reports about other people.

What an ~excellent~ combination.
 
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Took an early finish at work due to feeling a bit under the weather. Got home, put on my comfies, sat down with a brew and an Aldi Jive bar (poor persons Twix). ‘Let’s check Jacks Twitter’ I thought.

Why. LJC, why.
 
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So... I did a bit of Detective Frau work on the bathroom tiles and they are the same ones in her Piglet chalet at Soho Farmhouse that she was in for the google summit, yet she says she recorded this two hours ago.


Is she Still at farm house or is she lying?!
 
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"I’ve no delusions that I’m any good at this, but singing is something I’ve always enjoyed, and it’s something that I’ve never had any confidence about. I’ve been working on that lately, and it’s fun to do something I enjoy for no reason other than because it makes me happy"

Then just bloody have a sing, why do you need to record AND upload it (!!!!!!!!)

(silly question, I know)
 
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I keep going back to watch it again as I can't believe how funny it is.

Am I the only one who can't hear a bloody word she's saying (apart from boulevard)? I just hear a series of strange guttural honks.

Enunciate ffs!
Have spent the week laughing on Twitter at @GrieveWatch (if you haven't seen it it is hilarious) really thought nothing could be funnier....but then Jack sang!
Something so simple is so hilarious. Who knew?

Anyone worked out what song it is yet?
 
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Oh I can't wait to hear the ~hundreds~ of songs she's written over the last few years. Literally on edge of seat here.
 
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