Jack Monroe #343 A heavy dose of chickpea and loathing

[Django]

'kin hell, I've been very brave and had a mammogram but I'd rather go back and have another one than read any more about Jack's bollocks today. Who hurt her?

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Reply to squig:

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

*Whisky

 

[colouredlines]

Or phone sex chat. Bloody hell. 'I am in bed with a pot of self love stew, it's hot,it's sloppy baby.'

' now i am rubbing table salt and eucalyptus leaves ( from the garden, over my lady bit, does it turn you on baby'

When I was a teen we used to always laugh at the ads for phone sex lines in the scuzzier tabloids. They were usually accent-based - horny geordie girls, horny Scottish girls, horny cockneys, etc but sometimes it would be call xxx for and then a specific scenario.

The one that has always stuck in my head was girl flashes tits while eating chips, which seemed really oddly specific and also bizarre for a phone line? But it does make me think there could be a market for girl eats bedsoup sexily. Go on, Jack, do it for the spite orangery!

 

[BlendedSlop]

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We've seen what's under your nails hun. Best keep your thumbprints to yourself x

 

[StatusWoe]

Jack, has someone told you your smile was your best feature?

Yeah, Carole probably.

 

[moldwarp]

I reckons the tooth obsession points to subconscious guilt. Teeth are in the fifth chakra which relates to truth telling

Dreams of crumbling teeth can relate to concerns about things you've said, or a subconscious fear that your life is falling apart.

OK so I have absolutely no idea and not much interest in chakras or the subconscious value of dreams but when it comes to psychoanalysing the smol pixie, I will make an exception.

 

[jenny2603]

Fuck me, I pity poor Matt for being on the receiving end of THIS look.

I think I’d have called the Police and set off the fire alarms simultaneously in the hope that at least one of the emergency services would get there very quickly to protect me.
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It’s hard to tell if she wants to shag him, eviscerate him, or a little from column A a little from column B.

We ARE quite the cheeky li'l duo AREN'T WE MATT"

 

[Switchstreetz]

Maybe Carol is Borbs secret lover and exacting her revenge for the awful stalking her love has received.

I can't wait for book of grievances to be released in 2025 and the acknowledgements section is just "**** YOU JENNY NUMBERS"

I love that we've decided Borabora is a former teacher of Jack's who completely forgot she existed, you could say she's "not aware of Jack's work"

 

[Amanda Lin]

I also feel like I need to share this, from the "Breakfast" section:

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God, how patronising is the tip?

Make sure you look for a PAT test sticker humble peasants, they might go bang and you will go sizzle and ouchie.

Go to a charity shop, maybe you can find a pity blender, don’t buy from the middle of Lidl because you don’t have a big car and the customers might tell you to shut your legs.

 

[Veronicaaa]

I'm sure her IQ is the highest IQ to ever IQ, like 300 or similar

344, surely?

 

[jenny2603]

Squigs delivering what I can only assume are some very backhanded compliments.

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"Oh, did you enjoy making those? Well, that's the main thing isn't it?"

 

[FlowerOfTheEast]

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Oh my god she's so dim. Jack, if you had ever actually voted you would know that this is not how politics works, you don't vote for a Youth MP at the same time as a regular MP, so no, they're not "legitimately elected by the British people". But yes they should still be allowed to sit on the green benches, I will give you that.

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Why does she make up shit like this? It serves no purpose. Perhaps she has ‘work’ she wants to get out of in the morning

 

[Falkor]

She’s so patronising with her ‘carefully pour it in’, like the average poor is going to rip the lid off and chuck the fucking can at the blender like a grenade.

It's written in exactly the same style as the instructions she left for Louisa, so at least we know it's not ghost-written.

 

[jenny2603]

Message for Concerned Czech Jack.

Ne, nejsem v pořádku. Viděl jsem nějaké příšerné sušenky a teď je mi hrozně špatně.

Spoiler: Translated

No, I am not OK. I saw some horrible cookies and now I feel very sick.

 

[Mr Krabs]

This is not the kind of Twitter content you expect from the work accounts of food industry professionals, is it?

What? You don’t follow Delia? She’s always tweeting about her bad mentals, descriptive imagery of her vulva, and chucking in references to the depths of human despair. Also, Gordon Ramsey just started a descriptive thread about an ingrowing toenail between recipes. (Just kidding on both counts your honour.)

I had never heard of Carole’s therapy speciality before but it sounds like it would suit Jack to a tee.

 

[Soapy Dolphin]

A little dry...cough!

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Try the number on the dog collar x


For anyone unaware of this account:

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Jack is allowed to stay mad at old teachers who told her she was only suitable for flipping burgers, so we are allowed to stay mad for Jack Monroe conning us into buying her shit books and generally supporting her whole fraudulent existence. Cheers Carole