Jack Monroe #343 A heavy dose of chickpea and loathing

[Five hundred dogs]

it’s all that evil parent-governor’s fault!

edit this was supposed to be in response to @Veronicaaa ’s burger flipping post but i just wanted an excuse to remind people of this article

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Hang on, this doesn’t make any sense.
1) If she was reading her parents’ books at four wouldn’t Charlie and the Chocolate Factory have been a bit of a step down at six?
2) Why was a parent governor involved with a six year olds reading?
3) Why couldn’t she have read the reading scheme at school and Roald Dahl at home?
4) Educational psychiatrist? Wouldn’t it have been an educational psychologist?
5) Those assessments aren’t just given out like sweeties, why was she given one?
6) High school? She went to a grammar school for secondary, no one calls grammar schools high schools because they’re not.
7) Is there any such thing as a school for the gifted and talented? Arguably that’s what a grammar school is.

 

[Ostapbender]

Jack's Self-Loathing Soup For One

Step one: Open tin of soup
Step two: Get a pan (a metal object with a handle, like in the picture) and place it on the stove. [there isn't a picture]
Step three: Carefully pour the soup in pan
Step four: Turn oven on. Stir soup.
JACK'S TIPS: Has your food been burning and sticking to the pan? FEAR NOT!!! Solve this problem by procuring a spoon and whizzing it through the mixture. I myself have over 300 spoons in my kitchen. No I won't remove the tip section, it's perfect as it is, do you want me to stop breathing?
Step five: Sling in the cream of prunes, egg mayonnaise, chutney, marzipan, plenty of black pepper and any sad elderly vegetables clinging to life in the fridge!!!
Step six: Blend into submission
Step seven: One and done! Put the soup in a bowl. Looks awful but as God is my witness, you'll never have constipation again.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

My GCSEs were pretty bad, although thankfully I scraped Cs in maths and English so didn’t need to resit. I went to a local sixth form college to do a course in backstage TV and theatre and made that my career for twenty five years. Then I reached a point in life where I was able to consider going back into education. I did an access course at the same sixth form college I’d gone to at sixteen and I’ve just completed my first year at university. I do find Jack’s whole chip on her shoulder about school ridiculous, she would had other options.

i agree about her moving out at sixteen being a bit odd, it’s not usual in middle class families for children to move out that young. It does suggest some kind of family break down. It’s funny that of all her identity cosplays she never goes for anything involving her relationship with her parents. She almost goes to the opposite extreme in insisting what wonderful people they are, but there was clearly some kind of conflict going in the time period between leaving school and big Dave getting her the call handler job.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

she's only really getting scraps on Lorraine Kelly etc

Excuse me, LORRAINE WAS IN THE PIPELINE FOR SEVEN YEARS.

 

[jenny2603]

I WANT TO BE IN THE DAILY MAILLLLLL.


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We all know this is going to end up with some creepy but ultimately harmless middle aged virgin calling Jack, not imagining for a second that her loneliness is greater than his and ending up having to take out a restraining order against her.

 

[moldwarp]

Might be impossible to read, soz:
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I can't be arsed reading it but I'm sure it's really good and that.

Hahahahaha. I love it when Jack makes a mistake but, being constitutionally unable to take the narc injury of admitting she was wrong, tries to defend her original erroneous claim with increasingly ridiculous prevarication.

On a not entirely unrelated subject, I don’t believe Jack has an IQ of 154. You only really see that level in people who are also very good at maths. We’ve seen what Jacks like with maths. It ain’t good.

The only way she would’ve got a result of 154 is if she did one of those internet self tests and looked up all the answers on her phone.

But then, I also don’t believe that Jack is on the Autism Spectrum (although I do think she likes the meds). I also don’t believe she’s an alcoholic.

Basically, whatever Jack says she is, that’s what she’s not.

 

[Amanda Lin]

Imagining Jack serving “some of the best bakes” to Cherish and Benoit on Bake Off the professionals.

Everyone makes baking mistakes, but would a professional post their mistakes online?

 

[Jelly Bean]

So she was drinking whiskey heavily for a decade, which would be... 2011 to 2021? So where does that leave the not drinking during the Poverty (or, depending on which article you read, the drinking Sainsbury's pisswater lager over Christmas one year?)

Exactly - the Jack conundrum. She never knows whether to go with so poor for a decade she had to unscrew lightbulbs and trail a crying toddler around in the rain, or drunk for a decade on expensive spirits Jack.
Now I know the two aren't mutually exclusive but she said they were.
If she was spending a lot on drink and letting her son go cold and hungry - well. I don't really know what to say about that.

 

[Boogs]

I hope Borb, Pete and Jenny are having a bit of an old sesh this evening and decide to do some prank calls.

The monthly meeting of the I hate Jack Monroe club.

 

[kachoochoo]

I also feel like I need to share this, from the "Breakfast" section:

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lovely. get this down ya and you'll shit yerself

how aspirational nigella could never

 

[colouredlines]

I used to make a baked bean 'curry' out of an onion, one tin of tomatoes and one tin of beans, with all the juices and sauce, plus curry powder/spices. I found the recipe on a parenting site (not mumsnet) and it works pretty well with rice or pittas when you're skint. Obviously not high in protein, but still quite filling and nice. There's tons of cheap recipes and ideas around like this, there's nothing special about any of Jack's recipes or anything that warrants a publishing contract.

When I had student cookbooks years ago there were always recipes for Chilli Baked Beans or Baked Bean Melt or Jazzy Baked Beans or whatever. Normal, and very simple when you're learning to cook.

TBH if Jack had called it Jack's Special Baked Beans or something, fine. Weird method but eh.

But the fact that the recipe is called Homemade Baked Beans and the first ingredient is a tin of baked beans is just...it's performance art at this point, surely?

 

[SweetTransvestite]

And to think this is what Harold had to suffer.

What with them teeth, poor old Harold's little Harold was most likely spiralized.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Just saw this on Insta. Battered Mulberry bag, anyone?

 

[jenny2603]

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I have covered the phone number.

PLEASE, PLEASE PHONE ME. I WANT WEIRDO DRAMA LIKE REAL CELEBRITY.

 

[Elastoblast]

As more and more lies become apparent about the alcoholism story, the homeless/living rough period, the coming out timeline, the continuing dental decline and well everything really perhaps Jack could use one of her many notebooks or lever arch files or even a spreadsheet to help her keep track. She could call it the veritable bullshit index or summat

 

[colouredlines]

Apologies for being a.... Scottish dick... but her spelling of whiskey makes it American, like Jack Daniels. So she's not bingeing on sainsbos own brand Scotch Whisky. Nob

Irish whiskey is also with the e, so no doubt she'll have been making Mammy proud with Bushmills.

Spoiler: teeth

I had bulimia for over half my life, which is about the worst thing you can do to your teeth except, like, gargling crystal meth laced with sugar...and I only lost two of the fuckers. And, like, the one that broke was due to biting a chupa chup, not drinking water or opening a plastic bag (because like Caroline, I have hands). Jack loses a tooth a month! Can we triangulate her dentist please and see if they're single, because they'll be absolutely loaded?

 

[HansThatDoDishes]

344, surely?

As we're past p35, a reminder that 344's thread title should really be '%'

in other news, why does Jack always get into spats with equally awful people (I know, I know, reasonable people have too much dignity)? Also I echo the Cooper concern...

 

[jenny2603]

Given the number of unsold copies she was left with, I wouldn't be surprised if at this point Jack has sent a copy of Good Food for Bad Days to Pete, Jen, & Borbs, her brother, Edwina Currie, Michael Portillo, Katie Hopkins, the Burberry shop assistant who didn't want to serve her, the woman on the train who thought Cath Kidston was white trash, all four ex-fiancées, her stalker, Richard Littlejohn, Kelvin McKenzie...

I'd die laughing if she sent one to Lee Anderson and he cited it as evidence that people in this country have forgotten how to cook. You'd be able to see the Jacksplosion from Mars.

 

[kachoochoo]

while we've been mithering, she's been doing things to wings that sound ok actually

hhnnnnggghh tho. and wash your hands!

 

[moldwarp]

When Jack says she’s already sent a book to two out of three of her nemeses Borbora, Piotr & Gennyfur, does she mean she’s sent two of them one of her other books, or she’s sent them a draft copy of the current book? Either way it’s psychopath behaviour, but if she has already sent them a spite book in the past but is *still* harping on at them by dedicating the new book to them, then she is genuinely unhinged. Justice for Borb.

She hasn’t sent any copies to anyone of course, it’s all bullcrap. Never forget that Jack Monroe of Twitter is a character, IRL she wouldn’t dare.

But Fraus I am still trying to get my head around the Jimmy McGill style conman enormity of lying to the NEW YORK TIMES, that multi-Pulitzer prize winning newspaper of record, about sleeping rough for two years. Sleeping rough means the same in the US as it does here. By any standards, that is a shocking whopper. Why did she say that? Wasn’t she terrified of being found out? What did her friends and family think when they saw it?

that is some real brass balls, smh