Jack Monroe #329 Pooroboros

[DinosaurSenior]

I think there has been a Hopkins (did have brain op) and Monroe (no brain to op on) chaos.

I seeee!

 

[hydeist]

What what what!!!?? Ive missed something big

It was Katie Hopkins who had the brain surgery, not Jack

 

[Chap O]

I think Monroe went more batshit crazy after her brain op. Not making excuses but she Appeared to lose all sense of where the line was after that.

I think there has been a Hopkins (did have brain op) and Monroe (no brain to op on) chaos.

Oh yeah I meant Hopkins . Dont sue me jack.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Can you IMAGINE how insufferable Jack would be if she needed brain surgery?? Tip jar mentions RTed fifteen times an hour, suspiciously plump-lipped yet wan selfies, variously blaming absolutely normal attributes or episodes of complete bellendery on it.

Fortunately for us there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her other than her grey, withered soul.

 

[Chap O]

Oh yeah I meant Hopkins . Dont sue me jack.

A bottle of red and past my bedtime is my excuse

 

[Pavlova]

View attachment 1370127

A brambley mouse took a stroll through the stuffy BBC
An exec saw the mouse, and wanted him for his tea
“ where are you going , little brambley mouse? Come and have tea in my big forever house!”

“Oh it’s terribly kind of you exec, but no,
I’m off for some slop with the Gruffamonroe!
“ what’s a Gruffamonroe?”
“ a Gruffamonroe, why didn’t you know?

She has too many teeth, and terrible hair,
A lingering honk, and an empty souled stare”
“ where are you meeting them ? “
“ why, here by this tree. And their favourite food is execs from TV”

“ tv exec? It’s time I LEFT “
“ good luck Brambley mouse” and off he sped

I love it. As I've just got into bed, it's like an exclusive bedtime story just for ninnies.
Edit to add: I nearly said like a Jackanory story, but we don't like those ones, do we! x

 

[Cack Conroe]

I have never been to a festival. I don’t get it I’ve never been to a concert either. If I want to listen to music I can stream it for free. And enjoy the comfort, peace and cleanliness of my own home.

 

[Smeghead]

I saw Billy Bragg at Green Man about 11 years ago which is a good festival but also a "right on" Guardianista wankfest. Also spotted that weekend: Caitlin Moran moaning about Welsh weather which fair, I get.

But I digress. Reader, I was so bored by Mr Bragg I went off to find some other pals and took shrooms.

Ok, the new lyrics for the Billy Bragg and Jack Monroe track have been leaked. Will she be there to sing it live tomorrow?
New Southend
I was twenty three years when I left my job
I'm 34 now and still a big knob
People ask when will you grow up and stop conning the poor
But I’m dreaming of doing it forever more
I loved you then as I love you still
Tho I put you on a pedestal,
I made you a bit ill
I don't feel bad about you letting me go
I just feel sad about having no house to show
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a New Southend
I'm just looking for another OH
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new Southend
I'm just looking for another OH
I read the words you wrote to me
They said you’d left me yesterday
I can't survive on what you send
A goats leg just won’t feed me, friend
I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them but they were only tin candle lights (#jackshacks)
Is it wrong to wish on veg planter hardware
I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new Southend
I'm just looking for another OH

 

[kachoochoo]

I’m coming from a place in the past, but the fact Jack is such an uncultured swine she thinks folklore (and didn’t use all lower case like Taylor does) shows sad music = slow music in her eyes. If she had even the tiniest bit of TS knowledge, Red is the break up album to go to. I’d love to know which songs she’s listening to….I’d hazard a guess at this is me trying because most of the other songs are about a love triangle so not at all relatable to Jack. Urgh duck off away from Taylor Swift, I can guarantee she’d want nothing to do with the reverse Robin Hood either.

Christ how can she even get listening to music wrong. Daft fucker. Get in the sea.

And using me, as in I’m going to get me chapeau, is so Geordie and she can stay the duck away from here.

ah, you are so more eloquent than me and you have verbalised everything I wanted to say

 

[jenny2603]

Oh yeah I meant Hopkins . Dont sue me jack.

Too late. You're getting landmarked unless you donate £5,000 to the Forever Home Fund.

 

[Chap O]

Too late. You're getting landmarked unless you donate £5,000 to the Forever Home Fund.

Anyone got lozzas phone number

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

She's very quiet. She must be out getting her nightmeat.

I would like to nominate simply “Nightmeat” for thread title please and thankyou

ah, you are so more eloquent than me and you have verbalised everything I wanted to say

Thank you It makes me laugh that Jack is so thick she couldn’t understand the meaning behind The Way I Loved You never mind mirrorball or seven. I can imagine her sat there with that bleeping notebook writing the song lyrics out trying to work out what they mean!
And she can stay the duck away from the lakes, my second favourite of all time. If she tweets any lyrics to that song I will be in mourning for the next month.

 

[Tabitha D]

A little edit of the bio has happened.
It might be that I'm slow on the uptake but now that we are going in to strike territory we've got the fire service bit up front too.

Interesting new bio.
Do we think it’s significant that she no longer mentions the Vimes Boots Index?
What’s the betting it is never mentioned again.

I wonder if Jack has done any prep at all for the “debate” tomorrow?* Because she is sharing the stage with some pretty impressive people.

* of course she hasn’t.

 

[hydeist]

and now we have the curious incident of the unwanted meat in the night time.

Thread title, if it hasn't already been suggested

 

[KebabGirl]

Thinking McCartney has missed a trick. He could have done a few collabs - even his own songs, get someone on. Crowd would love it - see Mel C with The Blossoms. Few would turn down the chance to be on stage with him. The atmosphere in the Philharmonic when he did carpool karaoke was better, in my opinion your honour.

Quoting myself but thank goodness he listened to me
Glasto rocking. Unlike tomorrow when the slop goblin tells us to buy cheap food for £20, ignoring cost of living for non food items

 

[Stormageddon]

Best headliners for me were The Levellers in 1994. Now I feel so old!

Ah I was in that crowd too! It was amazing (I’d just turned 18, now I’m 45 and happy watching Glasto under a blanket on the sofa with easy access to a nice flushing toilet thank you very much)

 

[RevEd]

She's very quiet. She must be out getting her nightmeat.

 

[Mr Krabs]

I’ve been watching some of the Glasto sets maybe it’s just because it’s not my thing but there doesn’t seem to be much of an atmosphere the crowds seem quite muted. Mind that could be because most of the crowd have paid upwards of £300 to have their view blocked by a massive flag.
Back on topic if she turns up I wonder how far she’s going to crank up the middle class posho accent?

Spoiler: glasto

The atmosphere used to be really great. Of course, you do have to deal with the flags and kind of tit sound for a lot of gigs. I actually think it went downhill rapidly when the mobile internet became a big thing. You were no longer cut off and in a weird little bubble. It’s now all about taking photos for your social media. People are a lot more, I dunno, self-conscious when they are there. It’s all about dressing up and showing off about being at Glasto. I’m quite happy being at home sick in bed and missing it all.

 

[NellieBoo]

That’ll be lovely thank you.
Me and a friend sang it on a karaoke in Benidorm (‘97) and the guy switched us off early. I cannot imagine why that would have been. Two pissed up 17yr olds, filled to the gunnels on Malibu and pineapple, wearing halter necks and warbling like a couple of castrated cats…

I'm singing for you! We'll deal the neighbours later.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

I imagine there will be absolutely no bleeping about from the festival organisers if there is a whiff of Jack running late, I have been to a lot of festivals in my time and have seen stage managers hurry up late running acts people actually wanted to see, never mind a slop goblin piggy backing on someone else's slot. Different festivals but it's been done to Mystery Jets, Eagles of Death Metal, Lacuna Coil and I even saw the stage manager just cut the amps and mics of Airbourne for climbing the stage rigging in the rain, when they had plenty of time left in their set. Unless you're Axl Rose with an over running afternoon nap and you're headlining the day, there's no mercy.

Yup. I've told somebody who thought they were far too famous to have people doing anything but bowing and scraping that if they were going to do that, they were going to be doing it next to the toilets in the rain because they certainly weren't going to be doing it on my stage.


And I've had significantly more influential people than them bring me a bacon sandwich and a coffee or help clear the stage area of beer cups because they were decent human beings.


It's weird not working the festivals. Although it's quite nice not having to crawl under a stage to get some shuteye in the middle of a set or literally falling asleep sitting upright. But if I were Supreme Emperor of the Universe, I would have snipers posted on the gantries to pick off cunts with bleeping flares.

I saw Billy Bragg at Green Man about 11 years ago which is a good festival but also a "right on" Guardianista wankfest. Also spotted that weekend: Caitlin Moran moaning about Welsh weather which fair, I get.

But I digress. Reader, I was so bored by Mr Bragg I went off to find some other pals and took shrooms.

Green Man was utter shite. As soon as you got there (roadying), you were accosted by stoned posh girls mumbling that you were going to have to let them move you across three fields without the use of your van because 'the environment' and them trying to drag ten grand's worth of gear on the ground behind them. They got fucked off pretty sharpish, whereupon they drifted off to wobble away to Afro Celt Sound System and the like.



No way would JM have any idea of what it's like to actually be crew or a real performer. Appropriately enough, she'd just be filler.