Jack Monroe #329 Pooroboros

[Geetbo]

God she’s an irritating little twat isn’t she?

If I ever met her I’m going to ask if she’s Janice Battersby.

 

[Ostapbender]

A little edit of the bio has happened.
It might be that I'm slow on the uptake but now that we are going in to strike territory we've got the fire service bit up front too.

Six to twelve month tour of duty as a call handler in 2010. Thank you for your service #neverforget

 

[Geetbo]

Wtf is she gonna do with Quark? I remember before I embraced being a fat bastard I went on slimming world and made mashed potato using quark. It truly tasted like depression.

 

[BubbleDuck]

The Guffalomonroe

A brambley mouse took a stroll through the stuffy BBC
An exec saw the mouse, and wanted him for his tea
“ where are you going , little brambley mouse? Come and have tea in my big forever house!”

“Oh it’s terribly kind of you exec, but no,
I’m off for some slop with the Gruffamonroe!
“ what’s a Gruffamonroe?”
“ a Gruffamonroe, why didn’t you know?

She has too many teeth, and terrible hair,
A lingering honk, and an empty souled stare”
“ where are you meeting them ? “
“ why, here by this tree. And their favourite food is execs from TV”

“ tv exec? It’s time I LEFT “
“ good luck Brambley mouse” and off he sped

 

[MancBee]

Never a tampon, mouthwash, loo roll, kitchen paper or glass cleaner on her list. Also never treats for the cat, or cat litter or a wee treat for SB either.

1 Tampons...she uses a free newspaper wrapped in a sock.

2 Mouthwash...have you seen the state of her gums.

3 Loo Roll...she uses old unopened brown envelopes.

4 Kitchen Paper...she uses old knickers as a dishcloth #Jack'shacks

5 Glass Cleaner...the windows are not hers. If the evil landlady wants them cleaned she can do them herself. Jack RENTS.

6 Cat litter...the cat can shit in the evil landlady's garden.

7 Cat Treats...the cat is treated every day by Jack's existence. That and the cat is no longer in favour now she has content.

8 SB Treats...her son gets to play with a broken camera. What greater treat could a small boy want?

I thank you to keep your nose out of Jack’s buisness, she's a very private person and doesn't post all of her life on Twitter.

 

[Mendacious Trumpet]

Tweeted and deleted

In response to:

ETA: she appears to have deleted the pic of Cooper stalking Content Pup altogether.

 

[Chap O]

Isn't a quark when a duck coughs and shits itself at the same time.

 

[Amanda Lin]

Jack turning up to Glastonbury:

security guard: sorry VIPS and artists only part this point
Jack: *rolls up sleeves to reveal tattoos
Security guard:
Jack: Boo, I guess
*maniacal laughing for 10 minutes from all around **

 

[Cucumberthunder]

Spending Sunday with a baby asleep on me waiting for a field to tweet whether a good blogger has come on stage to tell a decade old story about weetabix

 

[Amanda Lin]

I‘n on a huge grunk and may be late with this…

But can’t stop laughing about burgundy squig’s earnest reply to confused blue squig.

Whom is she helping? Whom are these people??

 

[BlendedSlop]

Paging @DHOTYA

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Perhaps she's gone to rightfield instead?

 

[Boogs]

I nipped off to the media gallery to find a picture of this, as they are particularly scarey, but couldn’t see them. If anybody finds them, please upload.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Having ignored my family for at least half the day I’m extremely excited to share that I’ve, for the first time ever, caught up on a thread as it’s still live and I would like to say:

you are all very very funny, I’ve had a very nice time reading page after page, even though for most of the day I’ve been consistently 10 pages behind which has made me feel like I’m chasing a startled horse - every time I think I’m getting somewhere it move

JM is such a self congratulatory knob head.

enjoyed her tweet about the oat milk, moo cheese etc - stuff that her target audience would be in no position what so ever to afford

also, I’m so confused about the UHT hate, I cannot tell the difference at all

anyway - hello and thanks!

 

[Emmapism]

I've just been doing a list of my own for a shop. It was a complicated process.

Step one: used my eyeballs to scan the kitchen forensically for things that used to be there but now aren't. Took four hours.

Step two: write list of things that are missing using one of my pens (nobody else is allowed to touch them). Based on looking at the VBI/a bin full of old receipts I calculated each item I needed had gone up 344% so I punched a wall, screamed on Twitter then used my laser focused brain to plan accordingly.

Step three: had a rest

Step four: Go to supermarket with my rucksack, walking around the store in the order of my list. This takes FOREVER and wouldn't occur to anyone else with a brain to do because I'm a super special supermarket genius. The shop came in at under £20 and in total has taken me all day to plan and execute. Will need to take tomorrow off to recover.

 

[Smeghead]

I saw Billy Bragg at Green Man about 11 years ago which is a good festival but also a "right on" Guardianista wankfest. Also spotted that weekend: Caitlin Moran moaning about Welsh weather which fair, I get.

But I digress. Reader, I was so bored by Mr Bragg I went off to find some other pals and took shrooms.

Ok, the new lyrics for the Billy Bragg and Jack Monroe track have been leaked. Will she be there to sing it live tomorrow?
New Southend
I was twenty three years when I left my job
I'm 34 now and still a big knob
People ask when will you grow up and stop conning the poor
But I’m dreaming of doing it forever more
I loved you then as I love you still
Tho I put you on a pedestal,
I made you a bit ill
I don't feel bad about you letting me go
I just feel sad about having no house to show
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a New Southend
I'm just looking for another OH
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new Southend
I'm just looking for another OH
I read the words you wrote to me
They said you’d left me yesterday
I can't survive on what you send
A goats leg just won’t feed me, friend
I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them but they were only tin candle lights (#jackshacks)
Is it wrong to wish on veg planter hardware
I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new Southend
I'm just looking for another OH

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Sneaking UHT milk past her boy is bullshit, he'd know the difference in taste.
*whispers
I prefer UHT milk, you guyses are making me feel like I've done a poo in a bag.

 

[Clapster1]

A little edit of the bio has happened.
It might be that I'm slow on the uptake but now that we are going in to strike territory we've got the fire service bit up front too.

 

[Smeghead]

Are you aware of Jack’s body of work, Silly Squig? Samsung, Superdrug, Sainsburys, Asda, Del Monte, Helman’s, Twitter. Just a few of the names Jack has been paid to represent

 

[Marmalade Atkins]