Jack Monroe #301 Jack Monroe Cheap and Cheerless

[Lazarus]

(For the (many!) Diary of a Nobody fraus) I think this could become the canal version of dear Lupin’s Holloway Comedians shouting “Have you an estate in Greenland?”.

I.e. “One, two, three; go! Are you familiar with Iqbal” when Jack ‘displays ignorance’

ETA she still can’t sit with us though

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Thank you for posting this. It is honestly the funniest book I’ve ever read - perhaps a toss between this and A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole, actually.

I wouldn't say that tbh. Most of the ones I'm seeing at the moment have more of a friendlier approach to the home cook than those of a few years ago. I think the pandemic made people more nostalgic, and in want of comfort. It seems more are focusing on doing simple recipes really well.

The thing is: many of them are evocatively scene setting - a soft focus on a warm night with friends, a party to celebrate a loved one etc. It makes you want to buy into that. You imagine yourself doing something similar - eating a lovely dish on holiday whilst sipping a chilled glass of wine and overlooking a bay.
Jack on the other hand - her pages are filled with stories of cooking with no lightbulbs, no hot water, ‘when I was sleeping on a dirty mattress on the floor just after I’d sold my Rolex this is what I ate’. She does it all the time, but her anecdotes aren’t very inspiring

 

[gracebevsescapingboobs]

Dear hearts, I must confess that I made (several times) and actually did enjoy Jack’s beetroot burger recipe. I haven’t made it since finding these threads because I am a woman of principle but decided to go back and revisit the recipe with my Frau hat on. Within the recipe she managed to mention her ill health, arthritis, and even her honorary doctorate. Also that all vinegar is interchangeable. She even mentions how she likes to fanny around on twitter (we know). But reader, I what really made me was the picture she used. Does that not look like when you eat sweetcorn and then it comes out whole in your poo the next day ???

 

[Hollaaa]

Spoiler: Random merail

Someone I know watched don’t duck with cats on Netflix (I told them not to because they wouldn’t like it) anyway they didn’t like it but they wanted to see more about “these women sat on the internet trying to triangulate where a blanket was bought” and I panicked and felt seen

Spoiler: Also a merail

You reminded me of an earlier thread, we were talking about school projects where you had to research supermarket prices with your little notebook and pencil. I was just about to tell the story of how I was banned from the local KwikSave for industrial espionage by an over-enthusiastic Curly Watts at Bettabuys type as a result, when @Walkdengirl posted an image of the scene of the crime and I also panicked, and felt seen.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Dear hearts, I must confess that I made (several times) and actually did enjoy Jack’s beetroot burger recipe. I haven’t made it since finding these threads because I am a woman of principle but decided to go back and revisit the recipe with my Frau hat on. Within the recipe she managed to mention her ill health, arthritis, and even her honorary doctorate. Also that all vinegar is interchangeable. She even mentions how she likes to fanny around on twitter (we know). But reader, I what really made me was the picture she used. Does that not look like when you eat sweetcorn and then it comes out whole in your poo the next day ???

How did she manage to shoehorn the doctorate into a beetroot burger recipe? Bloody hell

 

[gracebevsescapingboobs]

How did she manage to shoehorn the doctorate into a beetroot burger recipe? Bloody hell

In the same sentence as mentioning her sodding arthritis

 

[Wooh]

@gracebevsescapingboobs your honesty and integrity is the grace in your escaping boobs. Your confession and reread of the beetricipe with open eyes is a credit to these threads.

Good news: we Tattlers have exclusive use of an internet search engine we like to call google. Jack fans don't have access. There are many beetroot burgers! If you visit the Australian crew when we have the Viennetta (not mint) branch meeting, I'll shout you an actual beetroot burger!

And remember, every one of you Jack #Antifans, you can beat an egg, but you can't beetaroot

 

[TillyMiffin]

She did this before. I bet you one of her socks has a picture of a penguin or bird. Could it be a very clever hard to crack code? To the bat phone (penguin account) jack friend

Bird pic- beak?

 

[Wooh]

I hate to correct you, queen of receipts and timelines, but Jack was vegan for less than 6 seconds.

On January 28, 2016, the Guardian published this. In the first paragraph she states that she went vegan on January 1.

The paragraph below must relate to sometime between Jan 20 - Jan 27.

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I loathe her for this!

Also, "...warning people... about my proclivities."


[ETA rats, MancBee was there way way ahead of me on this:]

@MancBee, those weasel words again! Proclivity: an inclination

Or we could let the librarians amongst us peruse the library copy?

But they're definitely not borrowing it officially!!

 

[WTFDidIJustSee]

Proclivities...another word that Jack doesn't know the meaning of.

Proclivities...an inclination or predisposition toward something especially : a strong inherent inclination toward something objectionable. Proclivity is defined as a tendency to do something, especially something you shouldn't.


The squiggles have a proclivity to Jack though.

Politics/social media aside, is it just me or are most of Jack's recipes utterly pointless? Like pasta and mushy peas for instance... Why would you bother? Last time I checked, you can get tins of plum tomatoes from Aldi for 29p. Then chop an onion in half, stick that in with a knob of butter, bring to the boil and simmer for 45 minutes, take the onion out... Bob's your uncle. Loyd bloody Grossman couldn't hold a candle to that, two cans and a packet of spaghetti (50 something p?) will feed 4 hungry people. And because I haven't frittered the rest of my money away on stupid fashion accessories and tattoos, there's a nice salad and maybe even a meat course to go with it.

Also, ExMIL makes an amazing pasta dish which is just simmered broccoli, blend it, then sling it in a pan with olive oil and garlic, mix it with the pasta and as much Parmesan as you want. It’s pence and is genuinely really nice.

 

[FlashBoof]

I think you can be self trained and still be a great cook, if you have a lot of interest in food and put time and effort into developing your skills and knowledge.
People don't just watch food programmes for the food though, they also watch for the lifestyle factor and/or personality of the presenter.
Unfortunately, Jack falls down in both areas.

Yes - the personality aspect is heavily overlooked by Jack. Christ alive, even those painful 2 minutes in Lorraine (minus the wretched slop) are extremely hard work to watch and I needn’t rehash over very painful detail over what she considers a resounding success - I.E. Daily Kitchen Live.
Our family just love hairy bikers. We watch them regularly but probably only cook their recipes monthly or even bi-monthly but they show that genuine love and passion of both their food and their job and I always get a whiff of them almost not believing how goddamn lucky they are to be travelling the world whilst feasting on wonderful food. A real joy. And I check their recipes before others when needing to try new things (we made their simnel cake this Easter and when we ate a lot more meat, their Belgian stew was absolutely heavenly) I hope Dave has a swift and successful treatment for his current issues.

 

[WTFDidIJustSee]

Unless you work in a secondary school. Then you're clearly vertically challenged, being only the height of the average Year 9.

I’m barely 5”1 and my eldest and middle both have friends that tower over me

 

[TillyMiffin]

Playing catch-up so not sure if this will be discussed by the time my post lands but I'm pretty sure OH is someone she's known for a long time, which probably explains spending so much time with the family.

Remember the post from the friend that outed OH as male, that mentioned he deserved to be happy too? That strikes me as something you'd say if you'd known someone for a while and knew their personal history, not something you'd say about a mate's new boyfriend you'd only just met.

Ooh I missed that! Is that how we know OH is male?

 

[Geetbo]

Dear hearts, I must confess that I made (several times) and actually did enjoy Jack’s beetroot burger recipe. I haven’t made it since finding these threads because I am a woman of principle but decided to go back and revisit the recipe with my Frau hat on. Within the recipe she managed to mention her ill health, arthritis, and even her honorary doctorate. Also that all vinegar is interchangeable. She even mentions how she likes to fanny around on twitter (we know). But reader, I what really made me was the picture she used. Does that not look like when you eat sweetcorn and then it comes out whole in your poo the next day ???

Tbh I am quite relieved to discover she has made at least one edible recipe. Even if it did still look like something Gillian Mckeith would like to get her hands on.

 

[Cheekymonk3y]

Speaking of OH and their ankle, did y'all catch this earlier?
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I think this is definite confirmation from our Jacksie that OH is an older male….

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Ooh I missed that! Is that how we know OH is male?

This was a reply just after they’d been to Venice. Not long after the “he” was noticed here, the tweet was deleted and reworded.

Screenshots from @Skyfall and @DisgruntledGoat

 

[SkippyDoo]

I’m an actual recovering alcoholic who’s also actually a lesbian*, and I slightly know a guy who very briefly dated JM years ago, before she started saying she was gay. For some time Jack’s endless attempts to make herself more interesting have been a source of low-key amused fascination. Thank you for the thread and the previous ones.

*To be fair, I can’t remember what gender and sexuality Jack has most recently claimed to have, perhaps the wheel has spun around again since I started typing this post??

For me it was easy to tell the OH was a bloke because Jack wouldn’t use any pronouns at all about him. Kind of the reverse of the more traditional days when a person would play pronoun games to avoid coming out; people who claim a certain sexuality for the status rep will play a lot of games to avoid going back in once they’re in a straight relationship. In no way is this disparaging of bisexual and sexually fluid people more generally by the way, it’s all cool — only meant as a comment on attention-seekers like JM and JM’s ilk.

 

[Yel]

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Recipes made just to fill space and make money with no one expected to actually make them?

Like jack's on Lorraine! They still haven't put up the promised pear cake or goulash recipe

 

[gracebevsescapingboobs]

Tbh I am quite relieved to discover she has made at least one edible recipe. Even if it did still look like something Gillian Mckeith would like to get her hands on.

Recipe was suggested to me by someone who is also now a Frau!!! The circle of slop

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

I’m an actual recovering alcoholic who’s also actually a lesbian*, and I slightly know a guy who very briefly dated JM years ago, before she started saying she was gay. For some time Jack’s endless attempts to make herself more interesting have been a source of low-key amused fascination. Thank you for the thread and the previous ones.

omg is there any non-identifying tea on what a terror she is? I imagine she leaves her partners dried out husks. Hence the fury at LJC’s extreme glow-up.

 

[rogueapostrophe]

She usually calls her female partners "Mrs J" so I think it's unlikely that OH is female on this basis.