Jack Monroe #201 Queen of Sharts

[Lanie]

Can just imagine her policing the strictly hashtag!

Yes.

Someone@twitter.
Omg ##strictly tonight was amazing the dances were fabulous. Jamies jive matched no other, Nigellas cha cha was on point, Marcus nailed the waltz.

Her:
Erm, i also though my ballroom was pretty fabulous, you know me famous poverty cook, all time worker for the poors. Its always the men who steal the spotlight sorry Nigella but its true us mere women are ignored. Perhaps you should remember that women invented dancing. Have a nice day.

 

[MancBee]

We would all be voting, hoping that she is kept in week after week for the comedy content.

Sadly it won't happen. They scrape the bottom of the celebrity barrel, not look under it.

 

[Deej]

Trifle defender spreading truth!

 

[HotesTilaire]

am I gonna be furloughed?

Just your Russell’s

 

[MooBelle]

Trifle defender spreading truth!

Trifle Defender takes no prisoners!

*just to add that when I saw you first post this I went straight to Twitter to look at the tweet. I don't follow TD so had to put it in the search bit. It wasn't coming up because I was putting in 'Trifle Defender ' instead of her actual name.
I need coffee...

 

[Lanie]

Trifle Defender takes no prisoners!

*just to add that when I saw you first post this I went straight to Twitter to look at the tweet. I don't follow TD so had to put it in the search bit. It wasn't coming up because I was putting in 'Trifle Defender ' instead of her actual name.
I need coffee...

i have done that loads of times.

I have typed in a tattle word and be like why is googles telling me it doesnt exist.

Perhaps thats where all the "tattle haters" say we make things up. They google our slang and it doesnt com up.

 

[EddieBeds]

Jack Does Strictly


Week One Training Footage

Jack arrives at dance studio

Jack: "Hey, Aljaz! I'm Jack Monroe, single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain. I understand I've been put with you cos you're not due a ringer this year and you may have the patience and good humour to cope with me. hahahaha! what am I like? have I mentioned I can stand on my tiptoes for twelve whole minutes? I danced in heels with my bff Marcus, you know? Rashford, that is, Marcus Rashford. I solved the whole free school meals in the holidays with him you know? I don't ever like or retweet his tweets but I taught him everything about child poverty.

now then, what's our dance this week? I'll nail it. once and done, that's me"


Aljaz: (sotto voce)"what the duck have I been landed with now? Janette, please save me"

Aljaz: (out loud) "Yay! Jack! So great to see you! we're gonna do great! we will be performing (dramatic pause) street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food!'"

Week One Live Show

Alan Dedicoat: "Please welcome to the floor,
single mother, cook, food writer, author, accidental conqueror of fears, purchaser of luxury goods, Greek, Norn Irish, admirer of Nigella, 5 foot 1.7, puppy brain, Jack Monroe and her partner Aljaz Skorjanek!!!!"

[please insert your own interpretation of Jack and Aljaz dancing street/commercial to 'Food, Glorious Food here]

Tess: "Wow! The people are on their feet! how does that feel my darling?"

Jack: "well, you know, Tess, it feels almost as good as that time when I launched a hate campaign against David Walliams"

Tess: ".... [Tessbot does not compute] ok. well, get on up to Claud. The scores are in!"

Claudia: "so Jack, have you tried head and shoulders?"

Jack: "I've invented a new one, Claud. out of lard and WD40. it's in the next, next book. whatever happens, I'm sure Nigella is very proud of my journey."

Claudia: "well, the scores are in. good luck Aljaz."

Craig: "bleeping dreadful, darling. ONE!"

Shirley: "It's never too early! For an exit from Shirley! 2!"

Motsi: "I have no idea what that was meant to mean, my sweet. You tried, so I can give you one."

Anton: "Haha! Marvellous! 10!"

Sunday Results Show

Tess: "So we are down to a dance off between Jack and Aljaz doing street/commercial to "Food, Glorious Food" and someone off Love Island and Amy doing a Viennese Waltz to "Industry Baby" will our first couple please take to the floor?"

[dances happen]

Tess: "Our dancers have done all they can. I just need to ask our judges who they want to save tonight"

Craig: "well, I hated one a lot less than the other, darlings. for me, it's the one off Love Island and Amy"

Motsi: "Jack, I loved your high energy, but I have to vote with my heart and save the one off Love Island and Amy

Anton: "Haha Marvellous! It's a 10 from me!"

Tess: "Shirley, you have the deciding vote. whose life will you ruin forever?"

Shirley: "Jack, your feet needed to be entirely more turned in, I don't care how long you can stand on tiptoes and for that reason I'm saving the one off Love Island and Amy."

*Jack howls, collapses to the floor, rips and tears and rents apart cans*

Aljaz breathes a sigh of relief

Bloody brilliant- ‘[Tessbot does not compute]’

 

[HotesTilaire]

Shame as the documentary trifle defender linked to seems to be about those who join communities of a certain illness and go from there, rather than the minor sleb type R Jackie or Ms Jamil.

 

[Clovis]

One thing that's always struck me about influencers talking about their various ailments and psychological issues - to my knowledge, no one ever talks about having narcissistic personality disorder or pseudologia fantastica (pathological lying).

They claim every mental health issue except those two. It's very interesting.

 

[Rekyavikgirl]

If Jack claimed to have Pseudologia Fantastica, how would we know if she's being truthful ? What a headfuck

 

[Lanie]

Yes.

Someone@twitter.
Omg ##strictly tonight was amazing the dances were fabulous. Jamies jive matched no other, Nigellas cha cha was on point, Marcus nailed the waltz.

Her:
Erm, i also though my ballroom was pretty fabulous, you know me famous poverty cook, all time worker for the poors. Its always the men who steal the spotlight sorry Nigella but its true us mere women are ignored. Perhaps you should remember that women invented dancing. Have a nice day.

Quoting myself *head*

But just wanted to finish.

Somebody@twitter

Who are you?

Her:

Are you not aware of my body of work?!

Also i said. HAVE A NICE DAY.

 

[Joan of Narc]

I actually think I'm a Celeb would be funnier than Strictly because Strictly is all about the performance and the celebs just have to give a few soundbites when interviewed by Tess or Claudia. It would be a nightmare for whichever professional she was paired with as she would think she was a 'gifted and talented' dancer and would always know best and would put all the blame on them when she inevitability fucked up and got a low score. On I'm a Celeb there would be way more cringe factor as the contestants don't really do anything aside from the challenges which means they have time to sit around and talk and show their authentic selves. The levels of cringe from Jack insisting she did the cooking, telling her back story, catching herself out with her multiple versions of the truth and arse licking more famous contestants would be spectacular!!

 

[Switchstreetz]

Quoting myself *head*

But just wanted to finish.

Somebody@twitter

Who are you?

Her:

Are you not aware of my body of work?!

Also i said. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Squiggle (unaware of her body of work): who's this one on strictly called Jack, won't stop talking about theirself?

Jack: *responding to a tweet that doesn't tag or use her full name but she has managed to track down by checking every mention of jack on strictly* PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

squiggle: who is this?

 

[onlysunshine]

I've got a couple pages to catch up on but there will be plenty of disgust wherever Jack is. John White is on strictly representing the lgbtq community with a male partner

Quoting myself just because I've noticed pesky auto - John Whaite not White!

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Indeed!
I only went on tattle for a nosy about the Philip Schofield story (not actually sure what happened in the end)

I remember noticing Jack’s thread and vaguely remembering her Being annoying but had no idea how much so!!

Babe same, I came for Pip and stayed for Jack. I'd actually never heard of her before but the limegoss article had me hooked and the threads started to gallop not long after that.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

We deserve I’m a celeb purely for the bush tucker trials. She’ll be like Razor Ruddock who was able to eat the foulest of concoctions.

Us to our significant others when the phone bills come in tho

 

[blurstoftimes]

Can't you imagine the sob story intro? 'I used to be a ballerina until poverty...*trembling voice*...took my feet away'

(i've never seen Strictly maybe they don't do sob story intros lol)

 

[Vanelope]

There’s often a nan card played - sometimes too early to be effective. Not sure how a DEAD Grandad will work. (Apologies to all those with dead grandads including myself)

 

[Hollaaa]

Can't you imagine the sob story intro? 'I used to be a ballerina until poverty...*trembling voice*...took my feet away'

(i've never seen Strictly maybe they don't do sob story intros lol)

There are so.many.opportunities for retelling of The Poverty in the Strictly coverage cycle. Original VT. Weekly update VT. Chat with Tessbot. Chat with Claud. It Takes Two. BBC1 red sofa. The bloody One Show. Podcasts out the wazoo. Radios 1 and 2 breakfast. Radio 4 breakfast on a veeeerrry slow news day...

 

[Orphan_Black]

To be fair to Jack, they look good in both shows lolololol!