Jack Monroe #195 She basically writes fan-fiction about herself

[Tabitha D]

I know the introduction with the brave little wistful voice full of hesitation and the staring at the floor. Far from being nervous only someone utterly full of themselves could possibly watch that back and not be mortified.

Unfortunately, I suspect she genuinely thought this would launch her into a stellar music career. That is the level of Jack’s extraordinary but delusional belief in her own talents. It’s both baffling and incredibly embarrassing.

 

[Vanelope]

I had a look at this particular article the last time Hattie came up. Aside from the questionable content, it's also just really badly written. That's not even me being mean subjective: she uses run-on sentences, she makes mistakes like "most favourite", her vocabulary is repetitive ("made with soothing...oils" twice in one sentence!) and hell, she even has the first person I in lower case sometimes. She can't even be bothered to proofread her work, but she's on Twitter begging for free holidays? Hilarious.

Coming up in Breakdown mag:

6 self-care products to help you get over online trolling

How a fabulous aparthotel cured my depression & anxiety

The best Del Monte pineapple recipes for the winter blues*

* written by one J Monroe, just a few months behind schedule

PS all this yoga talk and I'm sitting here with my leg in a cast. How can I monetise this?!

Get your tip jar out for the lads.

serious answer
1. Be born into a wealthy influential pref white family
2. Pitch article to family friend on mental health and disability who edits society mag
3. Write it without checking grammar or spelling and send it off
4. Pocket ridiculous amount of money
5. Think up new issue for next week

 

[Mr Krabs]

Cabal, who's in?View attachment 622269

Does anyone else just do a super-cringe when they see photos of people doing yoga? Like, I get the same level of second-hand embarassment as watching David Brent doing his dance in The Office, or a certain someone posing on a sideboard in her undies.

But I am a jealous, frumpy old frau.

 

[JuliaGulia]

Should I buy a bath bomb, a scented candle and listen to some up-tempo 80's shitty music whilst turning to a prune in the bath?

memememememe Had some really shitty health news yesterday. Trying to take it all in and make sense of it all. I have just got over one type of cancer, all clear in a letter a few weeks ago. End of the lockdown in sight, things are finally looking more positive.

Then the doctor rang out of the blue mid afternoon, only to tell me I most likely have another type of cancer. Emergency admission to a London hospital one day next week for biopsies, but my scans/blood tests/physical examination last week are pretty conclusive.

I am always positive about prospects, but even I am finding it hard this time. The thought of going through treatment and operations again just fills me with despair. Fingers crossed they have got it wrong this time.


Thanks to you lot of ninnies for providing me with a distraction, humour and support. It really does help.

I'm notoriously bad at knowing what to say at times like this, so I will stick to sending love to one of the nicest people I 'know'.
We are always here x

 

[Emmapism]

I just read the PTWM wiki. Holy fucking shit.

Where are the exposés on these grifting fuck heads!

She actually set up GoFundMe(s) for a house deposit! So much money from people unaccounted for. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

 

[HotesTilaire]

They have articles on the Breakdown website “the best post-lockdown subscription boxes” do me a favour. Using a trendy font and nice pictures doesn’t paper the content cracks.
I’m so glad I’m Gen X

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Consultant and speaker hahaha. Jack, when was the last time you earned money from doing either of those things? Or have you listed them because you have said words out loud before and someone (cod help them) asked your opinion once?

@MancBee don't torture yourself further by thinking about Sexy Jack, you're adding insult to injury! I can also see why other people might find her attractive but she does herself absolutely no favours. Her attempts to be alluring, seductive or risqué make me feel like I need a decontamination shower and a stomach pump.

 

[Switchstreetz]

And I thought the guy who, quite seriously as far as we can tell, believed that my mate is "a link to the divine" was a bit mad!

I feel like we're *this* close to starting a rave thread for Pythagoras all posts must be written as if he's an influencer though.

Jack is very very quiet. Maybe she has turned over a new leaf...or maybe she's had the fear of LJC stricken into her by someone. I feel like there may be court action/an ICO or HMRC chaos incoming hence radio silence. It's just weird, nothing has kept her away from Twitter this long before.

If it wasn't for how vile she's been to the cabal and Essex girl, and the number of times she's emotionally manipulated, I'd almost feel a little worried about her.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Do you think Jack’s celebrating too? She’s bound to have seen it the complete opposite to us - she’ll remember it as throwing us some real shade, her having the last laugh etc

 

[hollowhusk]

On the continued subject of grifting...

Grifter Gladwell has over 30k followers on her twitter and the breakdown advertorial (certainly not a magazine when it’s latest tweets are shilling for CBD lubes and plant based food competitions that no doubt come from her PR company) has 11k followers. Guess what though. The scoundrel has flipped her personal account to private so the glamping holiday will get even less reach now. Shameless. And - frankly, more fool the camping company that threw her the bone to begin with.

Also - Hi Hattie. It’s clear you have caught up here. Just know, we fucking see you. Really not keen on your shit being exposed for what it is, are you. You are no better than Jack and I hope every minute of your #gifted holiday sucks the big one.

Anyway - still glad Jackie is absent. Hope the cat and the rabbit and the kid are ok. Indifferent entirely about Jacks well-being. She deserves everything she has coming to her.

As an aside, you can do wonders with a Kallax, a set of legs, and some imagination, if you want a good, practical and useful sideboard on the cheap. Ikea hacks on the internet can make Cotswolds look like the boring, mundane, middle class ick that they are. At a considerable saving too!

Maybe Hattie Gladwell can come on here and tell us what she did with the £15000 she raised to publish a book in 2018.

I'm sure there is an innocent explanation and the money is being held separately and the book will be posted out soon but right now people would be forgiven for thinking there is something dodgy going on.

It's very wrong that people can get away with this kind of thing.

ETA: I thought blue tickers were not able to have locked accounts?

 

[MancBee]

Oh my days I'd forgotten how awks the start of that was! Silence for agggggeeeeesss, her big face right up to the camera.

"mixed vinegar...dregs basically" as an ingredient. Yum.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Blogger ... freeloader ... whoever she is, girl needs to change her ‘last seen’ activity settings.

Perhaps Hattie is a Tattler. A Hattler if you will.

 

[Lisbon]

Morning all, now we've turned into the Now That’s What I Call Jack thread, thought I'd revisit the purple prose that is the Top Tips book:

Paid by the word, eh?

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Well...

View attachment 631842

Oh God, a furkin? A purrkin?

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Happy Anniversary

View attachment 631880

 

[Silver Linings]

'Just fancied it for a bit' lol is that like deliberately taking a break from TV? That haircut is business in the front, party in the back except the party is over and you've been dragged out of the house unconscious after drinking too many WKDs because your mate's parents will freak if they find you passed out in the bath again.

I don’t understand the hairdo. Each to their own and i’m glad she likes it but is the back zhuzhed up a la Lynda La Hughes or is it up in a little pony?

Anyhow.

 

[Lanie]

Looks as if the book may actually have some content in it now.

View attachment 636897

sending lots of love @MancBee - the NHS has world leading cancer experts & surgeons so you’ll be looked after so so well my love, but thinking of you xx

Yep sticking 1000s of post it notes to the wall instead of actually executing the tasks.

Totally worth it!

 

[Veronicaaa]

I'm confused. Is this a before and after? It looks like two completely different haircuts and neither of them are good.

What I think has happened is that Toni and Guy did an .... OK? ... haircut (as seen in second photo, probably taken straight after it was professionally styled). The first photo is what happened when the oh-so-edgy Jack got home and decided to 'Karen' it into full-on fringe and stupid big tuft at the crown. Supposition M'Lud but it's the only explanation I can think of.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Of course, dear heart. It is but a jest. Rest assured, mine isn't early-forties-mum length on top and doesn't look like someone's just furiously rubbed a balloon on their jumper and then held it up over the back of my head. Where did all the grey go as well? I thought she was embracing her greys. Remember how much she loves 'the way it stands up on end begging to be acknowledged'?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Jack said of her expensive new bed head "which will no doubt get a bit of an airing over the coming days and weeks!!". Does this mean a comeback is imminent? Will there be a comeback tour with leather jumpsuits, rhinestones and a quiff?